The Best of Fools (Jane Austen Book 2) (27 page)

Don't say but, don't say but.

"But..."

"But you love Han."

"It's not just that. I do love her, yeah, but even if I didn't I still wouldn't be able to let you believe that you love me."

I'm sure I looked confused as I waited for him to continue.

"Somewhere along the lines I realized that I wanted to be with you because it was familiar. We know each other so well and I've opened up to you during the roughest times of my life. So obviously I thought you were the one for me. You were there for me constantly and I think the fact that you made yourself unattainable just made me want you more." He touched my knee. "Jane, I love you so much and I know you love me too, but you're not in love with me. You're in love with the idea of me. This last week has been a breaking point for you. I watched you have an anxiety attack last night as you emptied your heart out. I was there for you and you're confusing your vulnerability with me with love."

"But..."

He scooted toward me so that our knees touched, then he held my chin. "But I'm glad you feel like you can be in love now."

I shook my head. "This is ... I don't know ... can I have some time to myself? I just need to think."

He pat my knee and stood, then went into the B&B through the back door.

"Poor Alistair," I whispered, then jumped into the pool fully clothed. Don't know why. Sometimes random acts of oddness do the soul good. The cool water refreshed me, so I stayed there, floating among the lily pads, staring at the fluffy clouds. And I laughed. I laughed until I could no longer float on top the water. Because really ... what the hell?

Some people write love stories and some people live love stories. Then, there are the ones who do neither.

That would be this Jane Austen. Not the other one.

When I went back into our room Donovan was gone, so I took a quick shower and he still wasn't back. I wondered if he went after Alistair, then I wondered how I should act when he came back. Would things be different? Worse?

I braided my hair into two long braids, then flipped them back into a bun when a note caught my eye. On my pillow. His handwriting.

I closed my eyes, braced myself, then read:

Jazz,

I decided to head back home now. I'll be fine. Go after Alistair, okay? I think you guys need to talk. Sorry for messing up your Batman plans, or maybe you'll finish it with him. ;-) He's a good guy. I really like him and as your best friend I can tell that he's good for you. Try to talk to him, okay? See ya when you get home.

Love ya, Don

Well, I guess the positive is that I didn't need to figure out what to do when he walked back through the door.

The negative ... I was alone in a foreign country.

He assumed I'd go find Alistair and ride off into the sunset, but I figured Alistair wanted nothing to do with me and I was way too embarrassed to go find him and pretend like I never meant what I said. What would I say anyway? "Oh, hey, sorry I just professed my love to my best friend. Wanna go out to eat?"

The flowers!

The Batman roses!

I quickly ran back outside and sure enough they were still where he left them. I brought them to my room and got comfortable again.

I did mean it. What I said to Don. Whether I was right or not. Maybe I didn't
really
love Donovan. Maybe he was right. I don't know. But what I
did
know was that I didn't want to think about it.

I tried, you know....

I tried to be all "true to my heart" and whatever, but look what happened. Exactly why I thought it was better to avoid it all together. Keep the heart locked up and it can never be broken, unlock the door and there you go. Unpleasant feelings.

Amazing how fast excitement can bleed into the blues when it comes to matters of love. The heart is too fickle. Too sensitive.

Not sure I liked that.

I relaxed in bed, pulled up
The Green Mile
on my iPad, and ignored reality while watching Tom Hanks astound me once again. Incredible actor.

Then I reached over to turn the light off and noticed a card inside the Batman roses. I suppose they were ordinary black and yellow roses, but they would forever be Batman roses to me. Lovely, really. Such a cute idea.

I pulled the card out of its trusty envelope and read:

Jane.

It's hard to write a comma after your name because whenever I say it or write it I need to stop. Just stop right there and let it sink in.

Jane.

Jane.

Jane.

I hope this is only the beginning of sinking in. And I don't know ... I think perhaps I'm sinking into you too?

What is this rubbish anyway?

I'm blubbering. A fool.

Thank you for ... just being you.

I like knowing you.

-Alistair

I sighed and held the letter to my chest. Just a few months ago he tripped into my life. It was a beautiful day actually. He was so charming and fun. The Big Day. The day we were supposed to meet and kiss. If we were single. Guess that idea was over now.

A headache started between my eyes. I put the card next to the flowers and turned the light off. Sleep sounded like a great idea, but a little far-fetched.

I tossed, turned, stared, blinked, massaged my head, tossed, turned, and picked up my phone.

Blink. Blink.

It stared back.

I opened my texts to Alistair and began to type. I got out the word "hey," then shut my phone off and continued the staring contest with the wall.

I felt horrible. And my Batman trip was nowhere near as fun.

So, yeah. I decided to take the next flight out to America. Can you blame me?

Waking up alone, looking at the notes from Alistair and Donovan, imagining the rest of my trip alone ... right ... home appealed to me more.

I sat in the airport for a while. My flight would be another two hours and believe me ... I considered saying the hell with it and visiting Alistair. I opened my texts to him, started to type, stopped, started, stopped. Then I'd annoy myself and pull my sketch pad out, only to be completely uninspired.

Finally, I sent him a text. A simple one. I said,
I'm sorry.

An hour passed. No response.

Another hour. No response.

I wished I could see the "read receipt" like iMessage, but nope. Nothing.

I boarded the plane, sat down away from the window, and closed my eyes.

"Excuse me," a voice said. "Could I scoot by you?"

I opened my eyes and stood so the pregnant woman could take the window seat. Pregnant. I stared at her stomach and wondered if my biological mom would've aborted me. Maybe she considered it. Maybe I was never meant to live and that's why I failed at so many things I tried.

The woman draped her arm over her stomach and smiled at me. I forced a smile, then leaned back and closed my eyes.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the flight attendant started as the plan began to move.

I zoned out. Didn't hear a word she said, then the plane began to lift off the ground.

My phone beeped. Oops. I forgot to turn it off.

A text. From him.

Don't be sorry, Jane. The heart feels what it wants to and I'm just glad you're feeling something. Still friends? Still want to do the music with me? I'm here if you want to visit. As friends of course.

I glanced out the window as the plane climbed toward the clouds.

"Oh, I, can someone..." The woman next to me tried to stand and—

Vomit. All over me.

I cringed and held my breath.

And yup ... that's my life for ya.

Right place at the right time.

Never failed.

Autumn picked me up from the airport. I was surprised that she didn't ask why I came home early. Or why Donovan wasn't with me. But I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised, because as soon as we entered my apartment she finally said, "So. What happened?"

"I thought you weren't going to ask." I walked up the stairs as she followed.

"Figured I'd let you talk first, but since that's not happening..."

I rolled my suitcase toward the closet and grabbed pajamas from a drawer.

"So?"

"I need a shower. Some lady threw up on me during the flight."

"Ew! Are you serious?"

"Unfortunately, yeah. I changed at the airport, but still."

"I need to head back home anyway," she said. "But tell me what's going on first. Real quick."

I sighed. "It's not even worth talking about."

"But Don is still there?"

"He came back before me."

"He left you there? That's unlike him. Was he jealous of Alistair?"

I laughed. "You need to let it go now."

"Let what go?"

"Him. Me. Together. Not happening."

"It would if you'd just let him love you."

"Yeah." I walked toward the steps. "If only I'd let him love me. I should go right now. I'll find him, tell him that I'm in love with him, and then we can finally be together."

"Or just keep delaying the inevitable."

"Or that." I started down the steps. "Definitely that."

She jogged behind me. "Jane, I'm not kidding. You need to open up and let him in! How long have we been friends? And you've never once dated a guy. At all. Ever. That's not normal anymore."

We reached the bottom of the steps and stood there. She looked at me. I looked at her. And I considered telling her, but I didn't have the energy right now.

"I love you." I hugged her, then walked toward the bathroom while saying, "Stay the night. I'll tell you what happened after this shower zaps some life into me."

It didn't actually make me any less tired, but after the shower I made a quick blueberry crumble thingy that Zoe always made, grabbed two plates, and met Autumn on the couch where she was watching some weird romance movie. Course they're all weird to me, but this one was about a girl who constantly dyed her hair and a guy who seemed to have depression coming together, hating each other, erasing their memories, then regretting it as they relived the memories while each one disappeared. So weird. Autumn's favorite romance movie. Of the moment. Apparently.

When it ended she turned the television off and looked at me. The candle I had lit earlier flickered on the table, reminding me of the time I watched Alistair via that Skype video. Alistair!

"Hold on a sec," I said, then ran upstairs to get my phone. But ... couldn't find it. "Autumn, is my phone down there?"

"Uh ... don't see it."

I searched everything. Even things my phone couldn't possibly fit in.

Nothing.

I jogged back to Autumn and sat beside her. "Can I see your phone?"

"Yeah, why?" She handed it to me.

"Need to text Don and get Alistair's number. I lost my phone and have no idea what his number is. He's gonna think I'm ignoring him."

"Calm down," she said as I texted Don from her phone.

A few minutes later he responded.
I didn't save the number. I just messaged him from your phone. Are you back?

I gave her the phone without answering him, then watched the candle flame tilt and sway through the glass.

Autumn's hand waved in front of my face. "Jane!"

"Huh?" I kept staring.

"What's going on?"

"Be right back."

I went back to my room, pulled my iPad out, downloaded Skype, and signed in.

Wrong password.

I tried as many combinations as I could think of, then hit the password reset button. After refreshing my email seven million times, I realized it was sending to my old address. The one I didn't have anymore.

I went to his old band's website. "This domain is for sale."

I looked up his Facebook. Twitter. Any remnant of him on the Internet.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Zoe sat beside me. "Hey, just got in and heard you flipping out in here as I was walking to my room. What's up?"

Autumn sat on the other side of me.

"Nothing," I said. "I'm fine."

"It's just a phone," Autumn said. "You can get a new one."

"I can, yeah."

"I'd probably flip if I lost my phone too," Zoe said as she checked her purse.

I stood and paced the room. There had to be a way to reach him.

Oh! His address. I could mail a letter.

Oh....

My shoulders slumped. I saved his address in my ... drum roll please ... phone!

"Jane, you're seriously freaking out about your phone?" Autumn pushed me back to the bed and made me sit. "What is wrong with you?"

"I'm a failure, that's what. I should've never been born. I wasn't even supposed to be alive, you know. I came into the world through rape and here I am, messing up everywhere I turn. I spent my life ignoring love when my best friend devoted his life to me. I never really let myself enjoy my family because I couldn't stop obsessing over who my real mom was and thinking this endless thought that I didn't belong. I've used up a ton of the money my parents gave me and I have nothing to show for it except a pointless trip and a shop that failed. Finally, I pour my heart out and tell the only person who ever loved me that, guess what, I loved him too. Really loved him. And he tells me that I'm delusional and don't really love him and that he got over me a long time ago. As if that's not bad enough, out of the bushes comes a sweet guy holding a bouquet of flowers—Batman flowers—and he walks away. Then I lose my freaking phone and can't tell him that I'm not ignoring him and that even if I can't let him kiss me right now, I still care." I buried my face in my hands. "I shouldn't even be here."