The Best Part of Me (30 page)

“When I was in Providence with Darcy, I learned that her university offers a master's program in landscape architecture.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“It's a three-year program, and after Darcy relentlessly harassed me, I called the school to find out more about it. It turns out that they'd accept the credits that I took before I dropped out.”

Ewan lazily kicked a stone to the side of the road, not responding.

“With the transferred credits, it would cut the program down to two years. Darcy even gave me a tour of the campus.”

He nodded, his eyes on the road. She didn't really know what she expected from him, but a little bit more of a reaction would have been nice.

“The chair of the department said there was room for me in their program this fall. All I had to do was apply.”

Still no verbal response. Quinn looked ahead. The bikers that had passed them minutes before were getting smaller and smaller in the distance, the sound of the bike tires no longer audible.

“So I filled out the university's application and sent it in. If I'm accepted, I can start classes in a couple months.”

“You sure that's what you want to do?”

“Yeah, I think it is. I felt terrible that I never followed through with my degree. But after my parents died, it was just all too much. I'm finally at a place where I feel I can give it one hundred percent again.”

He nodded, turning his head to look up at the towering trees around them.

“Darcy has an apartment down there already. She has one more class to take next semester before she's finished. She said she'd be happy to have me as a roommate. She's practically begging me to stay with her. I figure I could stay down there during the week while classes are going on, then I can come back up to Ballagh on the weekends. Or maybe you could come down and see me.”

“Wouldn't it be better to finish your education at your old school since your credits are already there?”

She shrugged. “I don't see why I couldn't do it here just as easily.”

“Don't you have anything keeping you in Pittsburgh?”

Quinn looked at his profile and bit her lip. “I was hoping I had more keeping me here.”

He looked over, and when his eyes met hers, her heart sank. He pulled in a deep breath, releasing it slowly, like he was preparing himself for battle.

“Quinn, if you go to school in Providence, that's your decision.” His voice was quiet but firm.

“I know.”

“Your decision shouldn't have anything to do with me.”

Quinn shook her head. “I don't understand why. I'd like to think if I stayed here we could continue seeing each other.”

He looked over at her and stopped walking, his eyes no longer sparkling blue but flat and dull. “There is no future for us.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I am. I told you before we even started anything that I wasn't the right kind of guy for you. What we have going…it's not permanent.”

His voice was firm. His face, which all morning had been carefree and warm, was blank and held no promise or hope. She saw through his eyes that his barrier was back in place. He was guarding himself against something, and he was retreating. Quinn didn't like it one bit.

They'd been having a perfect morning after a blissful couple of weeks. She'd thought they'd made progress. She'd thought she'd cracked his shield. And her disappointment was so great it manifested into a bright, hot anger. She'd been walking a thin line, not wanting to push him, but goddamn it, what the hell was his problem?

“What are you so scared of, Ewan?”

He shook his head.

“Do you really care nothing for me?” she asked, her anger starting to simmer in her chest.

“You know that's not true.”

“Well, then explain this to me. This is bullshit and you know it!”

He looked back to the road ahead of them and took a deep breath. A whole minute passed while Quinn waited for him to say something. Her impatience hit the boiling point.

“So I'm good enough to fuck, but I'm not good enough to be permanent?”

His head snapped toward her and his eyes blazed.

“God, no.” He ran a hand through his hair. “You've got it all wrong. It's me.”

“Oh, great. The whole ‘it's not you, it's me' line.”

“Jesus Christ,” he snapped. “
I'm
only good enough to fuck.
I'm
the one who isn't good enough to be permanent. Not for you.”

She stared at him, her mouth hanging open.

“Shouldn't that be my decision?” she finally replied.

“No. You don't know me, Quinn. You don't know what a fucked-up person I am.”

“Well, it's not for a lack of trying! You're like a fortress. You won't give me even an inch when it comes to getting to know you better. If you'd let me, I'd love to know everything about you. I want to know what makes you happy and what makes you sad. I want to know what your goals are and what you want out of life. I want to know where you've come from and what makes you tick. Minutes ago when you told me about your brother, it was the first time since we've known each other that you've shared anything with me about your family.”

“You don't know anything about my brother.” His voice was eerily calm.

“You're right, I don't. But I'd like to. Hell, I'd love to meet him if you'd let me.”

“He's dead.”

Quinn snapped her mouth shut and blinked. Ewan stared at her, his lips a thin, straight line.

“I…I'm sorry.” She watched the pain flash across his face for a split second, and then it was gone.

“Me too,” he said quietly.

Ewan turned and started walking again, his pace quicker than it had been before. Quinn hurried to match his step. It was impossible for her not to think that his brother's death might be a key to why he was so tight-lipped.

“Were you close to him?”

“Jesus, Quinn.” He took a deep breath. “Darren died when I was nine years old. I don't want to talk about this.”

“It would probably really help if you talked about this with someone.” She reached for his hand. As soon as her fingertips touch his skin, he jerked away as if her hand were on fire.

Anger washed over his face like a wave. “Who are you to say what would help me?” he replied bitterly.

“Because I've been through it.”

He glared at her through narrowed eyes, his perfect beautiful face marred with dark, seething pain.

“Quinn, I know you lost your parents, and I wish to God that it hadn't happened. But don't pretend that you know anything about me or what
you
think would help me. Because you don't.”

His words sliced at her heart like a knife. And as angry and frustrated as she was at him, what he had just said hurt her more than any fist to the gut could have. Try as she might, she couldn't formulate any sort of response.

“I wish it didn't have to be this way,” he said. “I wish I could explain things to you in a way you'd understand.”

His dark hair had fallen over his furrowed brow. His dark sapphire eyes focused on her, trying to convey a message that she wasn't willing to accept.

“Maybe you should think long and hard about it,” she countered. “Because saying stuff like you're not good enough for me doesn't tell me shit. Your past may be fucked up, and I'm sure I don't even know the half of it. But for you to stand there and tell me you wish it didn't have to be this way makes you look like a big, fat coward.”

He stopped suddenly, turning toward her. But she kept walking.

After some time, she stopped listening for his footsteps behind her. After twenty minutes, she made it back to his truck and waited impatiently beside the passenger door until he unlocked it. During the short ride to her aunt's house, neither of them said anything.

When he finally pulled into her aunt's drive, she didn't even wait for him to put the truck in park before she opened the door and slid out, slamming the door shut behind her.

Two weeks.

It had been two weeks and three days since he'd watched Quinn Adler walk away from him. The tiny but mighty Quinn Adler, storming up the porch steps and into her house.

She'd called him a coward.

If a man had said it, Ewan would've made it so he was spitting out his teeth. But hearing that from Quinn's lips, the same lips he craved like they were a drug—it cut deep.

He had to give himself credit. This time he'd been able to stay away.

His life had returned to some sort of normalcy. Not quite pre-Quinn Adler normal, but it was a pattern he could live with.

He worked every day at the pub, even when it was his day off. He completed his inventories and deliveries early in the morning before Ballagh was out of bed. And he closed the doors of the pub in the early-morning hours after the last patron left. There was an ebb and flow to his daily activities. And he felt like he had a handle on things again.

He wouldn't deny that he was avoiding Quinn. It was for the best. Just like he'd tried to explain to her before she got all dreamy-eyed on him, nothing would ever come of their relationship. He wouldn't allow it.

Not surprisingly, Darcy had shot him dirty looks across the bar a few times. He hadn't seen Rory or Erin come by in the last two weeks. Even Lisbeth, whom he could always count on for her pathetic flirting, stopped talking to him. Guess he could call that a silver lining.

Sean and his uncle left him alone. His aunt couldn't help herself. She'd stopped by earlier that morning to insist he come by the house. He'd been turning down her invitations to dinner, knowing that Quinn very well might be there. He wasn't trying to hurt his aunt's feelings, but he needed to give things a little more time before he ran into Quinn again.

And from the sounds of it, he wouldn't have to wait very much longer.

One evening, he'd overheard Darcy tell Sean at the pub that Quinn had decided to withdraw her application to the school in Providence and was thinking about heading back to Pittsburgh. Ewan had turned his back to them and quickly tamped down the dismay that rose in his throat. A normal bastard would have cared. He couldn't allow himself to think that way. The sooner Quinn Adler got on a plane, the easier it would be to get back to the sorry excuse for a life he led.

As far as he was concerned, it couldn't happen soon enough.

With a final sweep of the broom on the flagstone pathway, she was done.

Leaning the broom up against the side of the house, Quinn looked over her aunt's backyard with a mix of emotions. The pergola project had been ambitious, but she had to admit that it was beyond impressive.

She'd planted clematis at the base of each post, knowing that in a few years, the entire structure would be crawling with petite purple flowers and thick twining vines. She'd spaced the large flagstones under the pergola far enough apart that the ground-cover grass she'd planted created an organic walkway that led from the porch to the back garden.

Halfway along the pergola, she'd created a side patio, using the same flagstone, surrounded by soft purple hydrangea. Her aunt had splurged for a bistro set, covered in an antique bronze, to place on the stone patio. It would be the perfect place to watch the sun creep over the hills with a morning cup of coffee.

Because she couldn't help herself, Quinn had extended the flagstone path to the entrance of the small garden cottage. It had been a peaceful respite for her during her stay in Ballagh, and she thought it deserved some special attention.

However, in the past two weeks, she'd found it difficult to go in the stone building. As long as she stayed outside, she wouldn't have to confront the memories hidden inside.

She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear the crunch of tires on the gravel driveway or the car door close.

“Good heavens, my dear. You're a tried and true miracle worker. Look what you've done to this yard!”

Quinn spun around and was surprised to see Connor McKenna walking toward her. He didn't mill around town like most but instead stuck to his pub and his restaurants.

“Mr. McKenna. This is a surprise.” Quinn smiled as he stopped beside her. He was dressed splendidly, as usual, in his tweed jacket, brown slacks, and bowler cap.

“Sorry to just drop in unexpectedly. I was wondering if I could have a few minutes of your time?”

“Of course.” She gestured to the new bistro set. “Please have a seat.”

After following her underneath the pergola, he allowed her to take a seat before he sat down. He continued to look around the backyard, taking in the pergola and also the neatly planted and very lush green garden beside the garden shed.

“Very impressive, young lady.”

“Thank you.”

“I know Kate is beyond happy with what you've done in our back garden. She can't believe you were able to complete everything in less than four days' time. And quiet as a mouse you were, sneaking into the yard, completing your work, then sneaking out.” He looked at her then and tilted his head with a grin. “I think she was hoping to get a few more dinners out of you.”

Quinn smiled at him. “Oh, that wasn't necessary. The work wasn't that hard, and there were a few really nice days in a row that allowed me to finish up quickly.”

“Yes, of course, dear. Of course,” he said, looking over the backyard toward the hills. There was silence between them for a few moments, and Quinn knew he hadn't stopped by to talk about his back garden.

“Is there something that you needed to speak to me about?”

Looking back at her, he gave her a short nod. “Yes, indeed. I'm afraid I've come to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong. But quite frankly, I'm an old man, so you can just chalk up my rudeness to senility.”

He cleared his throat before he continued.