The Best You'll Ever Have (9 page)

So you’ve found the G-spot, and you enjoy the sensation of it. Many women who have orgasms with some G-spot stimulation find them to be deeper, more intense, and more satisfying. But that is just the beginning of hot G-spot action. Consider the wet spot. That circle of dampness one often finds after sex, which seems just too big to blame solely on the man’s ejaculate (only a tablespoon or two of fluid at most).

So, whence the wetness? As you know, the general topic of sex goes largely undiscussed, and certainly no one wants to chat casually about excessive bodily fluids. I know there are hundreds and possibly hundreds of thousands of women who believe that, at some point, they have wet the bed. Some are convinced they’ve peed in it, others just know they’ve flooded it, and still others marvel at that occasional wet spot, wondering how it got there. No one, of course, wants to sleep on it. Generally speaking, the wet spot is considered a bad thing. It’s spoken of shamefully, as in, “look what I did,” instead of the accomplishment it is, as in, “look what I can do.”

THE FLUID IS THE RELEASE OF G-SPOT–TRIGGERED FEMALE EJACULATION.

I don’t love the term “female ejaculation.” I find it clinical and unsexy. The only slang I’ve heard—“gush” or “squirt”—is worse. Unbeknownst to most people, women can ejaculate a fluid like men do. So similar, in fact, that the liquid is called “prostatic fluid.” The female ejaculate comes from near the urethra, from the paraurethral glands on either side of the urethral opening and in the urethral sponge (or G-spot), but it is not urine, nor does it contain sperm (obviously). It is extremely similar to sugary mix that is produced by the prostate in men (which the sperm then joins before coming out as semen). According to Dr. Beverly Whipple and Dr. John D. Perry, authors of
The G-Spot
, about 40 percent of women experience female ejaculation and most women have the potential to ejaculate (my guess is that many are losing these orgasms to the fear of peeing). Since female anatomy education in school is confined to the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus, many women (you’d be surprised) don’t know where their urethral opening is in relation to the vaginal or anal openings, let alone the glands around the urethral opening.

Salon Secrets

I thought women peed from the clitoris the way men pee from their penis. After the Safina Salon I went to, I went home and got out a mirror, and I still couldn’t really see the urethral opening. So I held up the mirror while I peed to see where it came from. I felt really silly, but I didn’t want to stay so clueless. I’m 39 years old, and I didn’t know how my body pees and holding up the mirror I could clearly see it was like half an inch from the clitoris.

Some women experience the female ejaculation as a series of spurts. For others the ejaculate fluid just leaks out at some point during sex without much fanfare. Many have experienced both. The quantity varies also from one woman to the next and from one romp to the next. It is possible to soak most of the bed, or it can be not much more than the usual amount of lubrication one always makes. It can happen quickly, or it can take over an hour of direct G-spot stimulation to occur. However, the important thing to realize about female ejaculation is that it’s completely normal—and desirable. Women who’ve experienced it say it feels great. With all G-spot related activity, the best advice is to relax, explore, and do it for the sake of fun. Don’t think of yourself as inadequate if you find it and lose it or do or don’t have an ejaculation. The G-spot is merely one more avenue of pleasure to investigate. So do.

Salon Secrets

I’ve certainly produced a lot of fluid, but one night, my boyfriend and I had been having intercourse for a long time, and I was getting to the point of wanting to stop. And then, I felt this sensation building deep inside. I can’t say where exactly it came from, but I’d never felt it before. My vaginal muscles started to contract, but not in the way they usually do during orgasm. And then, I felt four distinct squirts of fluid jet out of me. Like I was pumping them out, but I had no control over it. I didn’t have my typical orgasm when it happened either, but the sensation was deeply satisfying, as if I had this stuff inside me and it needed to get out. My boyfriend was just as shocked as I was. We stopped and looked at the bed. There was a huge wet spot, as big as a dinner plate. I said that it had never happened to me before. He said it hadn’t happened for him with another woman either. Nor has it happened since for me. But I’m ever hopeful!

Important Dates in G-Spot History

1.8 million years ago Early woman evolves from apes, with all anatomical parts fully formed, including the G-spot.

1913
The Frigidity of the Female Sex
is published in Berlin by Alfred Adler, Austrian psychiatrist and creator of the system of Individual Psychology; first to describe the “inferiority complex.”

1934 American psychoanalyst Edmund Bergler studied marriage and judged 70-80% of women are frigid – as defined by the inability to have a vaginal orgasm.

1950 Ernest Gräfenberg, M.D., says that Freud is wrong, that women are not frigid if they don’t orgasm during intercourse (a widely held belief at the time). He tests the theory that women have nerves on the anterior vaginal wall (somethingKinsey disagreed with). Gräfenberg’s tests showed, “ An erotic zone always could be demonstrated on the anterior wall of the vagina along the course of the urethra.” Hence, Gräfenberg “discovers” said spot, and it gets named after him.

1983 Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., et. al, write
The G-Spot,
a best-selling book that details the area and introduces “female ejaculation” to the masses.

1988 I meet John and find my G-spot. Didn’t know what it was, but liked it.

Late 1988 Lose John, and my G-spot. Missed the G-spot much more.

1995 Meet Paul, and rediscover my G-spot. Cling tightly to it, more tightly than to Paul.

O Joy

Chapter 4

Here’s a little riddle for you:

What can be learned well but not summoned at will? What
happens in your muscles but starts in your mind? What
always makes you feel wonderful but can both wake you
up and put you to sleep?

Anyone who’s seen the movie
When Harry Met Sally
remembers the famous deli scene when Meg Ryan gives Billy Crystal an impromptu performance of faking an orgasm. I was amazed at the perfect crescendo of her simulated climax, and a little embarrassed too, squirming in my theater seat just as Billy Crystal was at the table. While watching that scene, I thought about the sound of an orgasm for the first time and realized that everyone must make pretty much the same noises. A universal sound of abandon had to be echoing in bedrooms all over the world, for real, or as in this case, as in an Oscar-caliber performance. And why, I wondered, was this such a surprise for me and for the millions of men who were shocked by that scene? Surely men had some idea that women could fake orgasms.

Orgasm Expertise

You can blink on purpose, but the involuntary reflex of blinking every ten seconds guarantees a continually lubricated eye. Orgasm, also an involuntary muscle contraction, is not a blink. Orgasms, for one, don’t just happen every ten seconds, nor are they something we don’t realize we’re doing until we think about it. For many women, they don’t happen easily, by rote, or at all.

You have to learn how to have one (which can be a lot harder than learning how to
fake
one). We get this knowledge filtered through the media—movies, books, music—but mainly we learn how to have orgasms by hands-on experience with a partner or alone. It is not, I repeat, something that just happens for most women without the process of learning how to do it. Despite this, many Safina Salon goers have asked me why we need to learn about sex on purpose.

One of our first customers, Angela, a 40-something no-nonsense woman from a middle-class suburb in New Jersey, attended a Safina Salon out of curiosity. When she realized there was going to be lots of discussion instead of passive entertainment, she said, “I’m not comfortable talking about sex and I don’t see why we need to.” After that she sat back quietly listening to me and her friends talk about all sorts of things. When I was saying goodbye to her she said, “I’ve been having sex for about twenty years more or less but I learned a lot tonight that I’m looking forward to trying.” Weeks later she gave me a call and said she was sorry she’d been so negative when she first met me. “After hearing my friends talk I think maybe I just need to be a little more open-minded. I think I’d kind of given up on the idea of having orgasms and I figured it was just me.” The information gathered at the salon—anatomy lessons, sexual tips from friends, introduction to toys—did the trick. She said she’d been figuring out what worked for her since the Salon, that she was having more orgasms now, and that that was putting her “in the mood” a lot more often. “I’m just feeling great. Plus my husband is thrilled with my interest. We’ve been having a ball together, so I just want to say thank you!” Now, of course, she’s hungry for knowledge.

Why doesn’t he just know what to do?

The guy I’m dating has no clue what I like. But I’m afraid to move,
or guide his hand. He might think I’m a slut, or be intimidated
if I do anything. I keep hoping that he’ll catch on by the noises I make.
I tried to make it clear what wasn’t working but he cannot take the
hint. I thought it would get better over time, but it hasn’t. And now,
after all this time, if I did say something, he might feel betrayed.

Now I’m stuck.
—Amanda, 32

Amanda has been faking for so long, she can’t even remember what sex is like without faking. This is the worst possible pattern to fall into, but Amanda’s situation is fairly common. A 2002 survey by
Cosmopolitan Magazine
found that two-thirds of the participants had faked an orgasm. The two biggest reasons women aren’t having orgasms with their partners are: