The Birth Order Book (15 page)

Of course, I’ve always known that I was not a perfectionist—far from it. Proof: my desk has, throughout my career, been a mess most of the time (but I can find anything within sixty seconds). I could never figure out why I lost control of my desk so often. Thank you for telling me the answer to something that has bugged me for years.

Nonetheless, it is a bit spooky having a stranger—you—know so much about my personal life. Good grief! Dr. Leman, you will never know how much enlightenment your book has given me. Thank you.

Edwin

(Interestingly, Edwin is a former newspaper reporter who rose to become one of five vice presidents with a publicly traded telecommunications company. His letter is a choice example of a perfectionist who has begun to see the light.)

Now right here you may be thinking,
C’mon, Dr. Leman, you’re laying it on a bit thick, aren’t you?

Well, yes and no. I admit that not all perfectionists wind up with serious medical and psychological problems. Some perfectionists function very efficiently, but underneath the polished, seemingly flawless exterior is usually a person who wonders how long he or she can stay ahead of the posse. And that person is continually frustrated, perhaps wondering,
Why do I do these compulsive things over and over?
Whatever your degree of not being good enough, I know it’s a burden and certainly a source of stress. And I also know from working with hundreds of perfectionists that the answer lies in controlling your perfectionism and turning it in an entirely new direction—even if it’s one baby step at a time.

Perfect versus Excellent

Many perfectionists would stop me right here and say, “Yes, just what do I do about my perfectionism? Shoot for mediocrity and failure?”

Of course not. The key is to learn the difference between the hopeless pursuit of perfection and the satisfying seeking of excellence.

Do you know the difference? Take the “About You” quiz on page 120. Again, I’ll wait right here while you take it before we go on.

It isn’t too hard to see that in each pair, the first statement is that of the perfectionist and the second statement that of the seeker of excellence. Here’s why:

About You

Each question has two statements. Read each pair of statements and label one of them E (for excellence) and the other P (for perfectionism).

1. I aim for the top. ____
I strive to do my best. ____

2. What counts is the bottom line. Everything else is just talk. ____
I did my best, and whatever happens, I’m happy with me. ____

3. What’s the use? I can’t do what I know I’m capable of. ____
This one hurts, but I’m staying with it. ____

4. I blew it! How could I let this happen? ____
What a bummer! But I see what went wrong. Next time . . . ____

5. What if I slip up again? What if something happens I can’t control? Everyone will laugh. ____
Here I am with the same opportunity. This time it’s going to be different. ____

6. I play to win. No one remembers who finished second. ____
I strive to do my best. I’m happy with that. ____

7. Why do people have to be so negative? Don’t they know how long I’ve worked on this project? ____
They may be right. I don’t like it, but there may be something in what they say.____

8. Let’s not kid ourselves. They love me around here because I produce. ____
Everyone likes to win, but it’s playing the game and being part of the process that counts. ____

1. Those who chase perfection are always reaching beyond their grasp—for the top. They set impossible goals. Pursuers of excellence set goals too, according to their own high standards, but they put those goals within reach.

2. Perfectionists base their value on their accomplishments. They have to produce or else. Seekers of excellence value themselves simply for who they are.

3. Perfectionists are easily dismayed by disappointment and will often throw up their hands in total defeat, because if they can’t be perfect, why even try? Seekers of excellence can be disappointed and hurt by a setback, but they don’t give up. They keep moving toward their goal.

4. Perfectionists regard failure as the ultimate evil and let it devastate them. Pursuers of excellence are always learning from their mistakes and failures so they can do a better job in the future.

5. Perfectionists remember their mistakes and chew on them the way a dog gnaws a bone. They are sure that everyone else remembers them too and that they’re ready to pounce. Seekers of excellence correct their mistakes and let them fade from memory so they aren’t inhibited in the future.

6. Perfectionists can settle only for being #1. Pursuers of excellence are happy with themselves as long as they are sure they tried as hard as they could.

7. Perfectionists fear and hate criticism and will either avoid it or ignore it. Seekers of excellence don’t enjoy criticism but they welcome it because it may help them improve.

8. Perfectionists have to win or their self-image plunges to zero. Pursuers of excellence can finish second, third, or even lower and their self-image remains strong.

How to Control Perfectionism by Seeking Excellence

Following are some suggestions I’ve seen work wonders in the lives of perfectionists I’ve counseled.

Take perfectionism seriously.
Perfectionism isn’t some little “psychological glitch” in your makeup. It is your deadly enemy. I call it slow suicide, and that’s not even half facetious.

The perfectionist is always trying to avoid criticism or failure, both of which he sees as totally unacceptable. My advice is this: realize you will always have critics with you, and everyone fails now and then. When you don’t succeed, analyze the situation. What is the worst that can result from your failure to do what you had hoped to do? Maybe you need to fine-tune your goal setting and not reach so high. Remember, there are many major league baseball players in the Hall of Fame who failed seven times out of ten. In other words, they batted .300 and made the Hall.

Realize you will always have critics with you, and everyone fails now and then.

A good hitter—someone who bats at least .300—doesn’t get down on himself if he strikes out or if his sharp line drive is speared by the shortstop and he’s robbed of a base hit. Instead, he hitches up his pants and tells himself,
Next time I’ll get a hit.
Whatever you’re doing, the moral is clear: Give it your best shot, and then
live with your best shot
and be satisfied. Or to put it another way: the real winners in life take their cuts, and even if they strike out, the next time up they get back in the batter’s box of life and keep swinging.

Recognize that you have an almost desperate need to be perfect
. And at the same time, recognize the fallacy in this kind of thinking. Since you are
never
going to be perfect, why not give yourself permission to be
imperfect
? Do it one day at a time. Every morning, start off by giving yourself permission to be imperfect.

Of course I’m not suggesting that you settle for mediocrity. I am a firm believer that the world needs a certain number of perfectionists who are very good at their job. For example, when my stomach began acting up and the pain wouldn’t go away, I wound up in the emergency ward headed for a gall bladder operation. Just before they put me under, I told the anesthesiologist (whose last name sounded like Rumpelstiltskin backwards) that we were going to talk about his birth order. He said to me in broken English, “Birth order? I am unfamiliar with term
birth order
.”

I said, “You are the firstborn son, aren’t you?”

“No,” he replied.

“Noooo . . . ?” I was flabbergasted.

He said firmly, “I’m the
only
son.”

I said, “Proceed!”

As you know, I like to poll airline pilots to see if they are the firstborn, and they usually are. One day, however, I had to take a small commuter plane to a parenting seminar in Santa Maria, 140 miles up the California coast from Los Angeles. The commuter plane was so small that I wound up sitting barely three feet from the two guys flying the plane, and I couldn’t help noticing the lead pilot’s digital watch.

“You’re a firstborn, aren’t you?” I said.

“No, actually, I’m a baby of the family,” he replied.

I started getting a little nervous and asked, “How about your buddy?”

After conversing briefly with his copilot, he turned and said, “He’s the youngest too!”

The real winners in life take their cuts, and even if they strike out, the next time up they get back in the batter’s box of life and keep swinging.

We were taxiing for takeoff, and two babies were flying the plane! I almost bailed out right there, but the day was saved when I learned that the pilot had a gap of twelve years between him and the next oldest child in the family. And the copilot had a six-year gap between him and his older brother, who was a pilot as well.

I calmed down and decided to stay in my seat. The law of variables may have put two lastborns in the cockpit of the plane, but they were really a functional only child and a functional firstborn, and that was good enough for me. (We made it to Santa Maria with no problem, and both pilots did a beautiful job, even when the air got a little rough.)
1

My point in telling you about the anesthesiologist and the two pilots is that some personality types are better fitted to certain jobs than others. So I don’t mind if anesthesiologists, pilots, surgeons, and the like allow themselves to be imperfect—particularly at home with the wife and kids—just so they’re seeking excellence while on the job!

Make a conscious effort to go easy on criticizing yourself and others.
In fact, start going easy on others first. If you have to give someone feedback, try to separate the deed from the doer, which is not easy. A good approach is not to say, “
You
did this” or “
You
did that,” but practice talking about what happened instead. Say, “Now you’re getting it. That looks great!” A strange thing will happen: as you lighten up on others, you will learn to lighten up on yourself!

As you lighten up on others, you will learn to lighten up on yourself!

The destructive feeling that many perfectionists have is self-directed anger. That is why they are so self-critical. You can learn to be less critical if you add a margin for error to your tasks and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes.

Have the courage to admit out loud, “I was wrong.”
This may be the most difficult sentence any perfectionist has to utter because your whole code goes against the idea of ever being wrong, “less than,” or not perfect. And as you make progress on “I was wrong,” also try two other short sentences that may be even more difficult: “I’m sorry” and “Will you forgive me?”

These three sentences total nine words—the toughest nine words any birth order has to utter, but particularly hard for firstborn perfectionists. When perfectionism is your goal, admitting that you have missed that goal is difficult. It’s an admission of failure, and failure is anathema to the perfectionist. But admitting mistakes makes you human and approachable.

Work on developing a thicker skin.
Be aware that perfectionists are sensitive, admit that this is an ingrained pattern, and deal with it, but don’t expect to get rid of it overnight. Instead, watch for those times when you catch yourself being very sensitive or being defensive about criticism, whether it comes from others or from within yourself.

Admitting mistakes makes you human and approachable.

You will do a lot of the “two steps forward, one step backward” shuffle. At the end of the day, you may look back and say,
I really didn’t need to get so upset over forgetting to mail that important letter or to make that call.
But even to be aware of how upset you got over something that really wasn’t worth it is making progress. Ingrained patterns are not changed overnight.

Also, sensitive perfectionists need to do nice things for themselves. As the hair color ad puts it, “You’re worth it.” But perfectionists have a hard time believing that. One woman I counseled had a habit of going to the local department store, buying new clothes, and then returning them a few days later. This woman was an extremely discouraged perfectionist who always returned whatever she bought, giving the excuse that something “just wasn’t quite right.”

I told her that what wasn’t quite right was that she thought she wasn’t worth the new clothes because she wasn’t meeting her perfectionistic standards. We had to work on two problems: (1) She really needed new clothes. (2) She really needed to understand that it was okay to buy something new and keep it. Finding fault with what she bought was really a cover-up for her belief that she didn’t deserve a new dress.

Sensitive perfectionists need to do nice things for themselves.

Finally we had a breakthrough. She bought a new dress and actually kept it. Then she got a new sweater and kept that. I knew we were out of the woods when her husband finally called me and complained about all these bills he was getting for his wife’s new clothes!

Bite off smaller chunks of life.
In other words, don’t take on so much at once. That’s when the big picture becomes overwhelming—a typical plight of the perfectionist. So work at doing one thing at a time. Finish A before going to B. Yes, there will always be those things that come up—phone calls or emergencies, minor or major. The thing to do is avoid putting a major task into a tight schedule (a typical problem for the perfectionist because he or she is always doing too many things and thinking there will be time for all of them). Always leave room in your schedule for the interruptions and the emergencies.