The Black Prince (Penguin Classics) (43 page)

‘And I fell in love at first sight.’

‘I’d lay it under the wheels of your car.’

‘I wish I could remember when I first saw you!’

It occurred to me suddenly as odd that I could probably establish from an old engagement book, for I had kept them all, what I was doing on the day Julian was born. Resolving some tax problem, lunching with Grey – Pelham.

‘When did you first start feeling like this about me? We can talk about that now, can’t we?’

‘We can talk about that now. I think it came on when we were discussing
Hamlet.’

‘Only
then
! Bradley, you terrify me. Honestly, I think you should think twice about this. Aren’t you just acting out of some momentary emotional impulse? Aren’t you all mixed up? Won’t you feel quite different next week? I thought at least – ’

‘You’re not serious, Julian? No, no – you can see that this is something very absolute. The past has folded up. There’s no history. It’s the last trump.’

‘I know—’

‘One can’t calculate, measure. But – oh my dear — we are in a fix, aren’t we. Come here.’ I drew her to me and got her liony head up against my chest.

‘I don’t see any fix about it,’ she said into my clean blue pin – striped shirt, of which she was undoing the upper buttons. ‘Of course we must move very slowly and test ourselves against time and – not be in a hurry to do – anything – ’

‘ I agree,’ I said, ’ that we should not be in a hurry to do – anything.’ She was not making it easy, however, thrusting her hand inside my shirt, and sighing, and grasping the curly grey hair of my front.

‘You don’t think that I’m behaving badly, shamelessly?’

‘No, Julian, my dear heart.’

‘I have to touch you. It’s so marvellous, such a sort of privilege —’

‘Julian, you’re mad, dotty – ’

‘But I think we must get to know each other slowly and quietly and tell each other the truth and tell everything and look into each other’s eyes like this and – Ifeel I could spend years just – looking into your eyes – it’s like – nourishing oneself — just looking — do you feel that?’

‘I feel a lot of things,’ I said. ‘Some of them were expressed by Marvell. But what I mainly feel — no, let me talk — is this. I’m totally unworthy of this love which you are offering to me. I won’t go on boringly about my unworthiness, but it’s there. I am prepared to carry on slowly as you say and let you convince me and convince yourself that you really feel what you now seem to feel. But meanwhile you mustn’t be in any way bound or tied—’

‘But I am tied—’

‘You must be completely free – ’

‘Bradley, don’t be—’

‘I think we even shouldn’t use certain words.’

‘What words—’

‘“Love”, “in love”.’

‘ I think that’s silly. But while we’ve got eyes I suppose we can give words a rest. Look. Can’t you see what you won’t name?’

‘Please. I honestly think we shouldn’t define this thing at all. We must just be quiet and patient and see what happens.’

‘You sound so anxious.’

‘I’m terrified.’

‘I’m not. I’ve never felt braver in my life. What are you afraid of? And why did you say we were in a fix? What fix are we in?’

‘I’m very much older than you are.
Very
much. That’s the fix.’

‘Oh that. That’s simply a convention. It doesn’t touch
us
at all.’

‘It does touch us,’ I said. I felt its touch.

‘Is that all you meant?’

I hesitated. ‘Yes.’ There was much that I would have some day to lay before her. But not today.

‘It’s not—’

‘Oh Julian, you don’t know me, you don’t
know
me—’

‘It’s not Christian?’

‘What? Christian? God no!’

‘Thank heaven. You know, Bradley, when I heard my father talking about bringing you and Christian together I felt such a pang – and that was before – perhaps that began to make me realize how I really felt about you – ’

‘Like Emma and Mr Knightley.’

‘Yes, exactly. You see, ever since I’ve known you you’ve always been alone, just sort of absolutely there, like solitary people are.’

‘A pillar in the desert.’

‘And I was worrying about Christian last night too—’

‘No, no, Chris is a nice person and I don’t even hate her any more, but she’s nothing to me. You have let me out of so many cages. I’ll tell you – later — in the time – that we’ve got.’

‘Well, if it’s not that, the age business doesn’t matter a pin, lots of girls prefer older men. So everything’s quite clear and plain. I didn’t say anything to my parents last night or this morning, as I wanted to be sure you hadn’t changed. But I’ll tell them today – ’

‘Wait a minute! What’ll you say to them?’

‘That I love you and want to marry you.’

‘Julian! It’s impossible! Julian, I’m older than you think – ’

‘Older than the rocks among which you sit. Yes, yes, we know that!’

‘It’s impossible.’

‘Bradley, you aren’t making any sense. Why do you look like that? You do really love me, don’t you? You don’t just want a love affair and then good – bye?’

‘Not – I really love you – ’

‘Isn’t that something for ever?’

‘Yes. Real love is about for ever – and this is real love – but – ’

‘But what?’

‘You said we’d move slowly and get to know each other slowly – all this has happened so fast – I’m sure you shouldn’tin any way commit yourself—’

‘I don’t mind committing myself. That won’t stop us being slow and patient and all that. Anyway, we already know each other, I’ve known you all my life, you’re my Mr Knightley, and the age gap there—’

‘Julian, I think we must keep this thing secret for a while.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you may change your mind.’

‘Or because you may?’

‘I won’t. But you don’t know me, you can’t. And I’m more than old enough to be your father.’

‘Do you think I care—?’

‘No, but society does and you will one day. You’ll see me getting older—’

‘Bradley, that’s
soft
.’

‘I’d very much rather you didn’t tell your parents at present.’

‘All right,’ she said, after a pause, drawing apart from me, kneeling there, her face suddenly childish with doubt.

The shadow between us was unbearable to me. If I was embarked upon this thing let me be embarked. I would have to trust myself completely to her sense of truth, even to her naïvety, even to her inexperience, even to her foolishness. I said, ‘My perfect darling, you must do whatever you feel is right to do. I leave it entirely to you. I love you absolutely and I trust you absolutely and what will be will be.’

‘You think the parents won’t like it?’

‘They’ll hate it.’

After that we talked a bit more about Christian and about my marriage and about Priscilla. We talked about Julian’s childhood and the times when we had been together. We talked about when I might have started to love her, and about when she might have started to love me. We did not talk about the future. We continued to sit upon the floor like shy animals, like children, stroking each other’s hands and each other’s hair. We kissed, not often. I sent her away about midday. I felt we should not exhaust each other. We needed to brood and to recover. Of course there was no question of going to bed.

 

 

 

 

‘You don’t quite understand,’ I said. ‘I am not proposing to go away.’

Rachel and Arnold were occupying the two armchairs in my sitting – room. I was sitting on Julian’s chair beside the window. There was a murky cloudy light and I had just turned the lamps on. It was the same day, late afternoon.

‘What do you propose to do then?’ said Arnold.

He had telephoned. Then he and Rachel had arrived. They had, there is no other word for it, marched in. Their presence was like that of an occupying army. To confront familiar people who are suddenly unsmiling and tense with anger and shock is very frightening. I felt frightened. I knew they would ‘hate it’. But I had not expected this big united hostile will. Their sheer incredulity, feigned or otherwise, silenced me, put me to flight. I could explain nothing and felt that I was creating some entirely false impression. Also I knew that I was not only seeming but also feeling appallingly guilty.

‘To stay here,’ I said, ‘see a bit of the girl I suppose – ’

‘You mean lead her on?’ said Rachel.

‘To act naturally, get to know her better – After all we – love each other it appears – and – ’

‘Bradley, get back to reality,’ said Arnold. ‘Stop blithering. You’re in some sort of dream world at the moment. You’re nearly sixty. Julian is twenty. She said at the start that you’d tcld her your age and that she didn’t mind, but you can’t mean to take advantage of a sentimental schoolgirl who is flattered by your attentions—’

‘She’s not a schoolgirl,’ I said.

‘She’s very immature,’ said Rachel, ‘and very easily taken in, and—’

‘I am not taking her in! I’ve told her that the age difference makes this thing practically impossible—’

‘It makes it entirely impossible,’ said Arnold.

‘She said the most extraordinary things this afternoon,’ said Rachel. ‘I can’t think what you can have been saying to her.’

‘I didn’t want her to tell you.’

‘So you suggested that she should deceive her parents?’

‘No, no, not like that – ’

‘I can’t make out what has happened,’ said Rachel. ‘Did you suddenly feel this – urge or whatever it was – and then go and tell her that you found her attractive, and then make a pass at her, or what? What has happened exactly? This must be fairly new?’

‘It is new,’ I said. ‘But it’s very serious. I didn’t foresee it or will it, it happened. And then when it turned out that she felt the same—’

‘Bradley,’ said Arnold, ‘what you are saying describes nothing which could possibly have happened in the real world. All right, you suddenly felt that she was an attractive girl. London’s full of attractive girls. And it’s nearly mid – summer and you are, perhaps, reaching the age when men make asses of themselves. I’ve known several people who started sowing some rather unsavoury wild oats at sixty, it’s not unusual. But given that you felt randy about my daughter, why the hell didn’t you keep quiet about it instead of annoying and upsetting her and confusing her—’

‘She’s not annoyed or upset – ’

‘She was this afternoon,’ said Rachel.

‘Well, you annoyed and upset her—’

‘Why couldn’t you act like a gentleman – ’

‘And she’s a good deal less confused than I am. I’m sorry, but
your
words simply don’t describe anything here. There are huge cosmic forces at work here. Maybe you just don’t know about them. Now I come to think of it, Arnold, you’ve never in any of your books really described what it’s like to be in love—’

Rachel said, ‘You talk as if you were fifteen. Of course everyone knows about being in love. That’s not the point. The details of what you so suddenly imagine that you feel are your affair. They’re just as uninteresting as someone telling their dreams. Julian is certainly not “in love”, whatever you suppose that to mean here, with you. She’s a very unsophisticated child who thinks it very exciting and amusing that an elderly friend of her father’s should pay this sort of attention to her. If you could have seen her this afternoon, telling us all about it and laughing,
laughing
. She was just like a child with a toy.’

‘But you said she was upset – ’

‘We told her it was a bad joke.’

I thought, my darling, I trust you, I trust you, and I
know.
I will keep faith with your faith. But at the same time I felt pain and fright. Could I, after what had happened, now doubt it all? She was so very young. And it was indeed, as they said, something very new in the world. When I thought how new I was amazed at the degree of my certainty. But there, above the doubt,
was
the certainty.

‘I can see that you are listening to us at last,’ said Arnold. ‘Bradley, you are a decent rational man and a moral being. You can’t seriously propose to settle down and
explore
this emotional mess with Julian? I call it an emotional mess, but thank God it hasn’t had time to develop into one. Nor will it do so. I shall stop it.’

‘I don’t know what we shall do,’ I said. ‘I agree that the whole thing is fantastic. It’s almost too good to be true that Julian should love me. It may even not be true. It has surprised me very much indeed. But I am certainly not going now to let the matter drop. I am not going to go quietly away as you suggested earlier, I am not going to stop seeing Julian, I can’t. I must find out whether she really loves me or not. Though what follows if she does I don’t know at all, perhaps nothing. All this is extremely unusual and may turn out to be very painful, especially to me. I don’t want to cause her pain. I don’t think I can do her harm. But at this
particular
point we can’t either of us stop. That’s all.’

‘She can stop and she will,’ said Arnold. ‘Even if I have to lock her in her bedroom.’

‘Of course you can stop,’ said Rachel. ‘Try to be honest! And do stop saying “we”. You can’t answer for Julian. You haven’t been to bed with her, have you?’

‘Oh Christ,
Christ,’
said Arnold, of course he hasn’t, he’s not a criminal.’

‘No, I haven’t.’

‘And you won’t.’

‘Rachel, I don’t know! Please realize that you are talking to a mad person.’

‘So you actually
admit
to being irrational and irresponsible and dangerous!’

‘Arnold, please don’t get so angry. You are both frightening me and confusing me and that does no good. When I said mad I didn’t mean irresponsible – I feel as responsible as if – I’d been given something – I don’t know – the bloody grail – I swear I won’t press her or bother her – I’ll leave her quite free – she is quite free—’