The Blue Hour (30 page)

“Indeed I was.”

“Did you see this man?”

I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out Paul's passport, flipping it open to the photo page. The gentleman studied it carefully for several moments.

“I'm afraid there was no one at all like this individual on the bus.”

“Are you absolutely certain of that?”

“When I got on the bus in Ouarzazate I took a seat right in the back, so I walked by everyone who had already boarded.”

“But he got on right when the bus was leaving.”

“I remember looking up when the last person came onto the bus, but that was the driver.”

“Sir, please, I saw him get on the bus.”

“Who is he?” he asked, pointing to the photo.

“My husband.”

That got his attention.

“Sit, sit,” he said, motioning to the empty chair. “My name is Dietrich.”

I told him my own. We shook hands.

“Germany is one of around fifty countries that I keep telling myself I should visit,” I said.

“If you come, besides Berlin and Hamburg and Munich, you should drive along the Romantische Strasse—and stop at Rothenburg ob der Tauber. A medieval city between Würzburg and Nürnberg. Completely restored after much bombing in the war.
Sehr gemütlich
, as we say. A very quiet, beautiful town—and the place I've called home for thirty years. I had a very faithful congregation in Rothenburg until I stepped down last year.”

“You're a priest?”

“A pastor. Lutheran. And recently retired.”

“And, if I may ask, what brings you to the Sahara in mid-July?” I asked.

He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

“I remember once reading in an English novel about a man traversing this corner of the world after suffering a terrible grief, and the writer noted, ‘He crossed North Africa, trying to empty his mind.' I came here, at an absurd time in the calendar, trying to empty my mind.”

“Because of a terrible grief?”

“My wife of forty-four years died at Christmas.”

“Oh, God, that is awful. Was it sudden?”

“Completely out of nowhere. A brain aneurysm. She got up from the dinner table at home to get something in the fridge. Suddenly she looked startled, then in terrible pain, then she fell to the floor. When I raced over to her she was no more. You know that line, ‘In the midst of life we are in death.' ”

Immediately I heard myself saying, “ ‘Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.' It's from the
Book of Common Prayer
. One of the side benefits of being raised an Episcopalian.”

“And it was also a Latin antiphon:
Media vita in morte sumus
. And it has appeared often in poetry. Rilke used it in a poem once.”

I let his words wash over me. “It is good to be speaking with you.”

“Were you hoping to be speaking with your husband?”

“Of course,” I said, finding myself tearing up.

“I apologize for intruding.”

“You're hardly intruding.”

“Would you like a glass of wine?” he said.

“I think I'd like that very much.”

He reached for the still-full bottle and poured me a glass. At that juncture the couscous arrived. I thanked the diminutive woman for bringing it, apologizing for keeping her up so late.

“
Pas de problème,
” she said in a near whisper, disappearing back into the kitchen.

To his infinite credit, Dietrich steered us into more neutral waters, asking me about my work, fascinated to learn how I shifted from journalism to accounting, and I asked him about his student years at Heidelberg. I learned that he had two sons, a lawyer and a tax inspector (“We'd have much to talk about,” I noted), living in Nürnberg and Munich respectively.

Then the couscous was finished and I'd drunk a second glass of wine and was feeling considerably less shaky. But I now had a desperate need to talk; to sit and speak calmly about my life with Paul—beginning with my doubts and concerns about him before we were married, ending with the discovery of his appalling betrayal and all the crazed uproar since then.

“Truth be told,” I said at the end of this monologue, “I cannot say for certain that it was Paul whom I saw on the avenue Muhammed V at two this afternoon. I kept thinking I saw him everywhere before that. But when I shouted at him in the streets of Ouarzazate he never turned around, even though we were only a few feet away from each other. And I'm haunted by the letter he left for me; a letter which let it be known that he was considering taking his own life. In my darkest moments, I cannot help but wonder if I was seeing a ghost.”

“But there is no reason to think he is dead. You told me the woman at the hotel confirmed that he'd left just before you'd arrived back from seeing his ex-wife.”

I nodded. Dietrich sipped his wine, cogitating.

“I'd like to posit two thoughts here,” he finally said. “The first is that one of the reasons why his former wife, and his rather dangerous friend, Ben Hassan, were so furious at him was that, on a certain level, he behaved just like an old-fashioned colonialist. He came into a fragile country. He took advantage of many of the people he encountered. He wreaked a degree of havoc. Then he packed up and left, accepting no responsibility at all for the mess he left behind.

“But the other thing that strikes me about this story is your desperate sense of guilt. He betrayed you terribly. All you did was confront him with his betrayal. That story you told—about his assurances that he wanted a baby with you, and then to do what he did—is nothing less than horrible. The fact that you have been desperately trying to track him down since his disappearance from Essaouira, the fact that you are here in the middle of a great sandy nowhere, on your own, still trying to save him from himself . . . Robin, you have my admiration.”

I felt my eyes welling up. I lowered my head, fighting back tears. Dietrich reached over and took my hand, squeezing it in a way that implied one word:
courage
.

“You will get through this,” he said. “Think of it as a maze, a labyrinth. But you haven't lost your cartographic skills, let alone your ability to negotiate your way out of its ensnaring contours. The biggest devastation, in my experience, is the loss of hope—and the revelation that there was so much you just didn't see.”

“Oh, I saw a great deal about him . . . but I also chose to ignore all the early warning signs; all the telltale indications that he truly couldn't handle the responsibility implicit in building a life with another person.”

“Sometimes the need for hope blinds us to other more evident verities. What else can we do but keep trying to see things a little more clearly?”

“As you do.”

“Don't be certain of that. I have my limitations and flaws like everyone else. My marriage was hardly perfect.”

“But it did last forty-four years.”

“That it did. But we did separate for six years, during which time we both had relationships with other people. It was my initial weakness—an involvement with a woman who also happened to be a parishioner—that sparked the separation. It caused many problems and hindered my clerical career. Finding our way back to each other . . . that was a remarkable journey. And not without considerable pain. But the result was twenty more extraordinary years together. Then, out of nowhere, she died. Herta was only sixty-eight. As I used to tell parishioners who had suffered a tragedy, we never can completely fathom God's plan for us.”

“But do you truly believe that it was His hand who ‘smote' your wife down?”

Dietrich smiled. “I appreciate your use of Old Testament language. The answer to your question is that I have no answer to whether He is an all-seeing, all-controlling God who decides the fate of us. God for me is a more complex idea. You know it was Montaigne who stated that the unknowingness of life is something that we all must embrace.”

“I do believe you can have religious faith and be thinking at the same time.”

“But you yourself have never been able to embrace the idea of faith?” he asked.

“Oh, I have plenty of faith . . . in the need to fight forward. And though I would, on a certain level, like to fall on my knees right now and beg Him to somehow deliver my husband to me, I sense I would be talking to myself.”

“I will nonetheless pray for you tonight . . . and for your lonely journey into this
Niemandsland
. A no-man's-land. Like the terrain just beyond Tata. I just returned after two days out on the dunes. I drove myself—which everyone here said was very risky, as once you leave the road you are driving directly on the sand. So I had to rent a four-by-four. The owner of the hotel wanted me to hire a driver, a guide. But I had to do it alone. Solo.”

“What were you trying to prove by heading out on unpaved Saharan tracks, alone? Was it about communicating with God?”

He pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “It was about confronting my loneliness.”

“Loneliness in the face of grief?”

“Of course. But also loneliness in the face of God. And the fact that I finally know now that He cannot provide me with the answers I so need.”

“Yet you still believe?”

“Indeed I do. I do so not out of habit or the need for ritual—though I do love so much about ecclesiastic ritual. I think I also still believe because I need to allow myself to be open to the inherent enigma of life. What is real to us? What is a mirage? Why do we spend a lifetime trying to somehow discern between the two? And when we die, when this corporeal self is no more, if it is simply the end of consciousness . . . then what?”

“That is the great mystery,” I said.

He glanced at his watch. “I promised my son Horst that I would Skype him at one o'clock his time; midnight here. He is going through a divorce now and isn't sleeping much and is having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that his wife recently announced she no longer loves him. He's just thirty-two with a little daughter—my granddaughter—and he is devastated, even though he's been unhappy in the marriage for years. But he is choosing immense sadness at the moment. I can appreciate that. I chose that myself at certain difficult junctures in life.”

“You're a very good father, calling him so late.”

“Being a parent—it is a lifetime job. They are always your children. And you are always engaged with their vulnerability and their own struggles to try to carve out something happy . . . or not.”

“Being a parent . . . that dream is dead for me.”

“Don't say that.”

“I turned forty last October.”

“The way medicine works today, you still have time.”

”I wish I could believe that.”

“I must say this was not a conversation I was expecting to have in Tata,” he said. “The man of faith in me might even posit the idea that we were brought together tonight for a reason. Even when you are stricken by the most desperate solitariness or doubt, someone can come along and remind you that no one is alone.”

“Beautifully said. One final question. Did God speak to you when you were all alone—and so severely vulnerable—in the Sahara?”

“Of course he did.”

“May I ask: What did he tell you?”

“He told me: get back to a place of safety.”

“Good advice,” I said.

He stood up.

“I will be taking the eight a.m. bus tomorrow—so if you'd like a travel companion back to Ouarzazate . . .”

“I need to take the five a.m. bus.”

“But you'll have no sleep.”

“True—but there's a two p.m. direct flight to Paris. I am going to see if I can get a place on it. And the five a.m. bus will get me back to Ouarzazate in time for it.”

Now it was my turn to stand up. As I took Dietrich's hand he executed a small, almost formal bow—a hint of old-worldliness in the midst of the Sahara.

Five minutes later, back in my room, the air conditioner cranked up against the heat beyond, I could not help but keep reflecting on that sage piece of advice that Dietrich received from the Almighty while facing the void of the Sahara.

Get back to a place of safety
.

I dug out my laptop. I went online. I found a travel website. I booked myself on three flights for the next day: Ouarzazate to Paris at 4:00. Paris to Boston at 7:00, arriving at 8:30 with the time change. And a tight but still possible connection—Boston to Buffalo at 9:45. The cost of this last-minute ticket was absurd: seventeen hundred dollars in Economy. But it was also just money. I needed to finally call time on this madness and return home.

After paying for the ticket with my credit card, I sent an urgent email to Morton:

I hope you have your BlackBerry in hand, as I know you are due to meet me at Buffalo airport tonight at 9 p.m. I am still in Morocco, so don't bother. I will explain all when I see you at the office in two days. I fly tomorrow and arrive late. And yes, I have a story or two to tell.

I set the little alarm clock for 4:15 a.m. It had been, on every level, a vast, difficult day—and I had to remind myself that this time last night, I was having a short sleep in a Casablanca hotel. Amazing how the narrative of one's life can become so skewed in such a short space of time.

Now, in a less frantic, more reflective moment—and after that truly interesting dinner with the German man of God—I saw that the “essential” clarification that came out of the last frenzied few days was the decision to abandon ship and head back to the States. I had made a crucial decision. I could now surrender to sleep without hesitation—for just four hours.

When I was jolted awake at 4:15 I forced myself into the shower. I dressed and washed my face. I loaded up my small backpack with everything I had taken out for the night and I left the hotel.