The Body Language Rules (3 page)

form of relief is the truth . If your partner asks if you've

forgotten a birthday, shouting: "Yes, of course I did, 14 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I'm a cold-hearted unthinking git!" will clear the

way for the following mask: "Joking! Of course I

didn't, I have a surprise present for later!"

I Always analyze the reason for your mask before you apply it .

How hurtful would the truth be, or how damaging

to your career or relationship? How hurt would your

mother be if you tell her what you really think of

that sweater she knitted for you? Or how detrimental

would it be to your love life if you told your partner

you'd had better sex with someone else? This could be

a powerful motivator to create a convincing mask .

youR veRBAl vs. nonveRBAl skills If words are so unimportant when you're creating an effective communication, how come we've neglected our nonverbal skills? Like sex, body language expertise should just come naturally but--like sex--sadly, it rarely does . Animals don't need manuals to help them signal fear, fight, or flirt, so why is the human animal, with all its great intellect, so confused and intimidated by nonverbal messages? How did we get so paranoid and puzzled by a process that is so simple it should be a joy?

The answer is that while animals coped well with body language, humans (as usual) decided to tinker around with what was already a perfectly decent system . Or to put it h O W B O D y LA n g U Ag e W O Rk S 15

another way, we started to speak . Overcome with our own cleverness at inventing words, we then decided to stop using our eyes . In an effort to maintain social decorum and harmony, all kids from about the age of two years old are told that it's rude to stare . Great . Stop looking at other humans and stop reading their body language .

We then set about promoting words to the top of the communication pecking order . Thanks to the frenzied use of texts and email, we like to pretend body language is extinct . But if that's true, why is it such a crucial factor in modern life? If words count more, then why do politicians bend over backward to get their faces on TV or in the newspapers in a bid to win our votes? Why not just print transcripts of their speeches? Why do Hollywood stars still spend hours pouting and preening on the red carpet, and why does job recruitment entail live interviews where your image will be scrutinized for much longer than your resum�?

What is it that body language does that words just fail to do?

Texts and emails have caused a huge revolution in the way we communicate, but their ability to communicate is limited . However many smiley faces and capitals we like to use, both text and email lack the ability to transmit genuine emotion . Like a speak-your-weight machine, they tell us the facts but without the meaning or attitude . They're the modern version of semaphore or the telegram . 16 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The same is true in face-to-face transactions . Imagine someone who talks in a monotone, using neither pitch nor gesture to make their point . If they walked into a room and said the building was on fire they'd have problems getting anyone to evacuate .

The point is that, as much as we choose to deny or ignore it, it's the nonverbal communication that we rely on when a message is highly important, because when it comes to words alone we find it hard to understand, remember, or believe what we're told .

Imagine you've taken a sick day from work . You've got to contact your boss to sell the lie that you're draped in a blanket because of "something I ate ." How would you prefer to get that message across: by email, phone, or video conference? The yellow-belly in you would plump for the email or the phone because you know your visual displays would let you down in a minute if you opted for face-to-face . If you chose the phone you'd very likely get someone else to do the call and then you'd have to go through the ritual of analyzing the boss's response because you couldn't see them: "Did she really sound as though it was okay?" "Did he seem annoyed?" "Are you sure she didn't sound sarcastic when she said she hoped I'd feel better soon?" "When he said I should take as long off as I needed did he really mean I shouldn't bother going back at all?" h O W B O D y LA n g U Ag e W O Rk S 17

Words alone--that is, emails and texts--are for light- weights, then . Although it's great to use email or text to dump your spouse, sack your employees, or tell your bank manager where to get off, it's mainly because your bottom is clenched so tight with fear that it looks as though it's been Botoxed .

Words are for windbags and worriers, too; people who feel that an email stands as "proof of delivery" as though scared every message has a legal implication, or old-school politicians who think that verbal diarrhea is the perfect antidote to a killer question from Barbara Walters .

Modern society is word saturated, but being bombarded with too many words is not the same thing as having increased comprehension; in fact, in reality it's quite the opposite . Neural pruning is the psychological term for your brain's own little spam filter . Too many words in the form of phone calls, emails, texts, business meetings, and "keynote" presentations or speeches just make our brains less attentive . Rather than adapting to absorb more infor- mation they've evolved to dispose of a vast majority of it, meaning we're throwing out some good along with the useless . We also use more jargon in an attempt to create shortcuts but the staleness of most jargon makes it a turn-off rather then a memory-jogger .

In many ways your words are like your vacation pictures . Ever look through someone else's vacation photos? How 18 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

boring is that? The point is you had to be there . For the person who took them they're evocative of the whole experience, but all you can see is a mangy-looking donkey or yet another dull old sunset . In an important communi- cation words are only a very poor representation of your thoughts and feelings .

woRds ThAT woRk The only verbal communication in the workplace that rates as high impact is gossip . Relate a rumor about the boss and her accountant and the whole office will be able to repeat the story a nanosecond later, but that's only because gossip is the modern version of storytelling, and stories fix in the mind because they conjure up strong visual images (although possibly unwanted ones in the case of the boss and the accountant!) . So, even interesting verbal commu- nications require strong visual images to back them up .

Straight talking is another way to get your point across unambiguously . Take as an example the master of verbal clarity, Simon Cowell . When confronted with yet another talentless singer on American Idol, Cowell might simply say, "I'm sorry, I thought it was dull ." He might use words as weapons but at least he knows that there's very little room for misunderstanding after he's spoken .

When you text or email other people you will assume h O W B O D y LA n g U Ag e W O Rk S 19

that their understanding of your selected words will be exactly the same as your own, but life proves that assumption wrong several times a day .

Keeping Cowell in mind, it's important you don't underestimate the measly 7 percent that is verbal impact . Although our ears are fitted with their own spam filter, especially when we're hearing from parents, teachers, the office bore, or a long-term partner going on about a day at work, some verbal communications do leap off the page and you should watch your words as well as your tone of voice .

woRd TesT: finding ouT why youR woRds don'T AlwAys CounT Here's a test you can try at home to shock yourself into realizing the low value of your verbal communication, especially when used in isolation .

Ask a friend, relative, or partner to lie on the floor with their eyes closed . Then, using concise, step-by-step verbal commands, tell them how to get up . Each instruction must be gradual and specific and you mustn't use body language . You can't say "roll over" or "sit up" but you can say things like: "move your hand forty-five degrees to the left ." See how hard it is to form clear, precise, specific verbal communications without the nonverbal signals to 20 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

explain them? It's the quickest way to spot the fact that what's in your head remains in your head . What you say only partially transcribes your thoughts . As you struggle with this exercise you'll begin to understand how nonspe- cific your verbal communications are and how much we expect other people to read our minds .

key PoinTs:

� Remember that your verbal dialogues account for as little as 7

percent of the perceived effect of your communication .

� To create a good message you need to be congruent, that is, your

words, tone, and body language should all say the same thing .

� Work on boosting your word power. Clear, concise speech is vital if

you want to avoid creating "dead" communication .

Now that you've learned the impact of nonverbal signals and why they play such an important role in everyday communications, it's time to look at why we use them . To understand the psychology of body language signals, we're going to take a look at ape behavior and the lessons we all learn as children . If the "why" of human behavior doesn't interest you, please flip to the more practical advice in part two (page 37) . However, keep in mind that a deeper understanding of what prompts your behavior will make change and improvement much more effective .

onkey

f Rom m

T o mAn

w

hen did you first use body language? Approximately

fifteen minutes after you were born, that's when . The human animal is the only animal that is truly helpless straight after it's born . While other animals can fight or forage for food, the human baby just lies back looking cute .

Your cuteness was good . In fact, it was vital for your survival as it made older humans want to look after you . You also began to mirror the facial expressions of the adults around you to strengthen the bonding process . As you got older this became what's called learned behavior, as you happily mimicked anyone and everyone around you to get your messages across .

Most of the body language you use is learned behavior, but some is more instinctive and part of your evolutionary processing . While the input from your parents, siblings, and peers influences much of your behavior, quite a lot of what you do goes much further back . A quick trip to the 22 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

zoo could explain a lot about your current body language behavior, especially in the workplace .

Your entire life is a constant struggle between your animal, instinctive side and your logical, strategic, social human side . Although we consider ourselves light years away from the behavior of apes, it's impossible to suppress the instinct to fight for power, status, space, food, and sex . In many ways your inner ape is still a very potent voice in your mind, but how does that affect your daily behavior and body language?

Apes and other animals are primarily concerned with survival . As humans we still face daily risks, but we've become immune to constant concerns about getting enough food or not getting beaten up by stronger humans . Although we have evolved a greater capacity for worry, fear, and stress, it's mainly focused around trivial things, like trash collections, crashing computers, and office politics . The things that make us "go ape" tend to be things like road rage, subway rage, or even phone rage .

Like apes, our lives evolve around status, power, and pecking orders, but unlike apes we place less emphasis on physical strength and power and more on career, class, or financial-based status .

Like it or not, though, your animal instincts still play a major role in most of your body language signals . When stronger emotions occur, your inner ape starts to creep F R O m mO n k e y TO m An 23

out . We've already seen the effect he has on your greeting rituals . Pulling back the lips is a signal of submission or acceptance for most apes, and we've refined it into the smile of greeting, which is why we feel so angry when a colleague forgets to return the smile first thing in the morning . You've signaled you come in peace but he's given a noncommittal response . In animal terms it's as though he's chosen to leave his "fight" options open . No wonder one of the biggest complaints I hear in corporate feedback is: "I said good morning and smiled, but he ignored me ." Although this might sound trivial in business, in animal terms it is heavy stuff!

Alpha male apes display their authority by their physical stillness and their use of space, which is why Donald Trump stands out as the boss in The Apprentice . His huge desk and large chair create an ape-like signal of authority, as does his physical stillness while he allows the apprentices to squabble and chatter between themselves .

The British royal family employ these ape-like signals of status to useful effect . Diana was the only leading royal to use mirroring techniques, altering her own body language style to fit the patterns of others around her . For most of the royals this dropping of status would be unthinkable . The Queen is far more alpha male in mirroring terms, projecting a very constant sense of stillness and lack of physical empathy no matter who she's with . 24 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

Whereas alpha males project power through strength, stillness, and space, alpha females are more likely to use grooming, food, and nurturing to create their power base . Grooming is like gossip to apes: It creates empathy and rapport . Alpha females will groom other apes to pacify them and bond with them . They also use nurturing acts, which they then use as a very potent bargaining tool . If another ape misbehaves, the affection will be switched off until the naughty ape is back under control again . Sound familiar?

APe AggRo Animals fight over two key things: status and territory . Once the pecking order has been established, though, most colony members will respect it more or less because they know that a hierarchical setup means their best chance of peace . This is also true of most offices: There's rarely a challenge to the boss's authority, no matter how draconian or unpopular he or she might be . This is because humans fear rocking the boat more than they fear living in a way that is unpleasant for them . The same fear affects politics . No matter how unpopular a leader might be, the fact that he is the leader makes him hard to unseat . Rival parties know that as much as people like to moan or vote against them at local elections as a "warning shot," when it comes to getting the leader out, the fear factor has to be taken into the equation . F R O m mO n k e y TO m An 25

Family setups are more prone to status challenges because once the kids are reared to the point where they can survive by themselves parental authority becomes virtually invalid . "Because I said so" or "Because you do what I say while you're under my roof" are verbal power tactics heard in houses across the land, but they're usually little more than bluff . When the child is more determined and fearless than the parent (and possibly bigger and stronger, too) there are very few ways to keep the child in check .

AggRessive ARousAl In animals, and in humans, suppressed aggression leads to some interesting body language . When an ape feels threatened it will go through a state known as aggressive arousal . For humans this is where the automatic nervous system kicks in . The sympathetic nervous system creates a state that is good for fight, which means that the adrenalin starts to flow, your breathing patterns change, your muscles tense, and your body hair stands on end . In apes, and in humans, this allows them to perform body language acts that are known as ritualized combat--that is, threatening to attack in the hope that their apparent toughness will intimidate opponents and make them back down . 26 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

mOnkey TO mAn: AggReSSIVe AROUSAL SIgnALS In hUmAn FORm When an ape might screech, strut, and charge, your human ape state might display:

I Accelerated blink rate

I Shallow, rapid breathing

I A higher voice pitch

I Increased pulse rate

I clenched teeth

I clenched fists

RiTuAlized ComBAT In apes, this takes the form of chest banging, pacing, jumping up and down, and making a lot of noise . If that sounds familiar but you're having trouble placing it, just take a look at a football game when there is a close score . Opposing fans use exactly the same kind of posturing to intimidate their rivals, sticking out their chests, pacing, and shouting . Then come the ape-like mock attacks and odd little dance rituals to rev the whole crowd up . Usually the "safer" the fans the more exaggerated their ape-like power-postures, so if there's a big show of police or officials everyone joins in the jeering, but where there's the likelihood of a real fight the ritualized combat might be toned down . F R O m mO n k e y TO m An 27

mOnkey TO mAn: RITUALIzeD cOmBAT SIgnALS In hUmAn FORm Where an ape might pace about, chest-bang, or wave its arms, your human ape might:

I Pace about

I Use chest-prod gestures

I Walk with arms held away from the side of the body

I Sport a puffed chest

I Frown

I head-baton (jut their head forward as they speak)

I Finger point

I Wave fists

I Shout

I Place hands on hips

I Splay legs

disPlACemenT signAls If fight isn't an option, perhaps because the other ape is higher in status or just stronger or bigger, you'll often see an outbreak of displacement signals . This is where the aggression has to be suppressed out of fear . For an ape, this can often lead to self-attacks, where the violence is turned inward out of frustration . The human animal has similar techniques, given the same circumstances . If you work with an overbearing colleague or a customer who gives you constant grief, you could find you're taking the aggression out on yourself . 28 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

mOnkey TO mAn: DISPLAcemenT SIgnALS In hUmAn FORm Where an ape might hit itself or pull out its hair, the human ape might display:

I nail biting

I Finger picking

I hair pulling

I Teeth grinding

I Aggressive scratching

I chewing gum

I Punching own hand

disTRACTion signAls And then there are the flirt or redirection signals . When an ape is being attacked it will often perform what looks like an entirely unrelated and counter-productive gesture, like yawning, grooming, or scratching . Or it will even start to flirt . You probably think you know what this is all about . Humans flirt when they're with someone they like . But what about flirting at work? What about those people who turn on the charm with everyone in the place, male, female, young, and old? Do they like everyone in the building? Are they corporate nymphomaniacs? Possibly, but probably not . Human flirting can be similar to ape flirt signals . And apes employ flirt signals as part of what's called a distraction process . Okay, so they flirt to have sex, F R O m mO n k e y TO m An 29

but they also flirt to signal submission to a threatening ape . This flirting is pretty full-on industrial-strength stuff, too, but it's not done to promote the sexual act, except in the bigger ape's mind . Faced with a muscle-bound ape, a weaker ape will often bend over and stick its bottom in the air . This is to distract the stronger ape's mind from thoughts of violence and turn them toward sex instead . Only not with the submissive ape . It's a ploy . Just as a lot of workplace flirting is done as a ploy, to keep harmony at work and to help avoid conflict . Next time someone bats their eyelashes at you, flatters you, or leans over your desk to reach for the stapler, remember it might not be so much about seduction as keeping the peace .

mOnkey TO mAn: DISTRAcTIOn SIgnALS In hUmAn FORm Where an ape might stick out its bottom, the human version of distraction signals can be:

I Smiling with eye contact

I extended touch in a handshake

I eye up and down body appraisals

I Overly laughing at the boss's jokes

I Flirty emails

I Flattery about clothing, hair, scent, or weight loss

I Proximity displays

I exaggerated attention displays, even during periods of intense

boredom 30 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

youR inneR Child Let's move forward a few evolutionary cycles now to your own life as a child, where you learned body language for survival and reward . When you smiled, everyone went gaga, and when your face crumpled up for tears and screaming you saw adult faces turn fearful, giving you your first burst of baby power .

From that moment on you used your body language to get whatever you wanted . Small children are egocentric, so this would have been the way your body language worked . If you needed food or attention you would have screamed or cried, going red in the face and pummeling the air with your fists . If the food that arrived didn't suit you, you would have wrinkled up your face in disgust and turned your head from side to side . Sulking would have meant folded arms, a dipped head, and a jutting bottom lip . Your face would have happily contorted in jealousy if another kid had something you didn't .

If you lied you would have tried to cover your face with your hands and you would have thought nothing of throwing a tantrum wherever people gathered in a public place .

You also developed a very sophisticated system of calming and comforting yourself . You might have sucked your thumb or maybe rubbed at your blanket . At times you could have rocked in your chair or chewed at your toys . F R O m mO n k e y TO m An 31

Of course you've moved on now, right? I mean, it's not as though you'd sit at a board meeting sucking your thumb, or throw yourself onto the floor of the boss's office to kick and scream when that pay raise gets turned down .

mAnIPULATIVe RITUALS You will have realized by now that I'm about to tell you that whether you know it or not you're still performing many of these gestures and patterns of body language behavior . Maybe you don't suck your thumb any more but I bet there's some kind of substitute that goes into your mouth when you're placed under pressure . Would a grown man stick his lower lip out in a sulky pout when things weren't going his way? Take a look at Simon Cowell, who has turned bottom lip jutting into an art form .

Many of these baby or childlike displays are what is called pseudo-infantile remotivators, meaning you look helpless or vulnerable in a bid to motivate someone else to be kind, noncritical, or even nurturing .

SeLF-cOmFORT geSTUReS Like it or not, you'll have retained many of your baby body language gestures for use throughout your life . They become self-comfort gestures, like fiddling or self-strokes 32 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

that we all perform to stimulate a state of happiness or relaxation; aggressive gestures like slamming down phones or stomping out of the room when we don't get our own way, or even childlike manipulative gestures, attempting to look cute, sweet, and submissive when we want to be liked or to get someone to do something for us .

Both your inner child and your inner ape are still very much in charge when it comes to your body language signals . Being aware of these influences is vital if you're going to tailor your bodytalk to get the most out of situations, otherwise your communications will remain deeply incongruent--that is, your words, tone, and nonverbal signals will be hugely out of kilter at moments when it matters .

FROm BABy TO ADULT As a child did you...? As an adult do you...? Suck your thumb Suck or chew pens