The Book of Bloke (12 page)

The greatest characteristic of the Crocodile Hunter is his love for nature. A Croc Hunter is always fully in tune with the animal kingdom, even while being acutely aware of how dangerous some of its members can be, and so recognising the necessity to hurt them sometimes, for their own good or for a camera.

Another common misconception about Crocodile Hunters is that they pursue only crocodiles. In fact, any large and/or dangerous animals are fair game for the Croc Hunter, and members of the breed have been spotted chasing, wrestling with, tying up and shouting at species as diverse as kangaroos, dingoes, black snakes, water buffalo and even, when the light is fading, koalas. Occasionally, when a Croc Hunter goes overseas for a holiday, there are even reports that some confront elephants and bears for a bit of a laugh.

The Crocodile Hunter is committed to ecology, and will spend a lot of his time trying to educate the public about the need to preserve our natural environment. Experience has taught him that the most effective way to do this is to run through the bush like a maniac, frightening animals.

Tough and leathery in texture, much like his crocodilian brothers, the Crocodile Hunter is among the most Bloke's Blokey of Bloke's Blokes, with status in Croc Hunter society being determined chiefly by the diameter and depth of his bite wounds.

Crocodile Hunters are quite gregarious and will welcome anyone trying to make friends, but individuals are still advised to approach with caution, as befriending one can result in being forced into compromising positions with wild pigs. Before approaching a Croc Hunter, it is wise to make sure you are not in close proximity to any wildlife that could cause you to suffer an injury and/or appear in a television documentary.

Less ostentatiously Blokey, but still all man, is the
Fisho
. This calm, contemplative Bloke is found mostly in coastal and riverine areas, and is identified mainly by his distinctive odour. The Fisho is possibly the most generous and selfless of Blokes, devoting his life to the art of fishing with no thought for personal gain, piscine or otherwise. ‘We fish so you don't have to' is an old Fisho proverb, and indeed the Fisho provides a valuable service by preventing the need for other Blokes to submit themselves to the brain-numbing nightmare that is fishing. Many Blokes have been driven to madness by the tedium, but the cool, Zen-like serenity of the Fisho is uniquely equipped to handle a pastime that would cause most people to hurl themselves overboard within ten minutes.

Fishos are a secretive breed, tending to keep to themselves and preoccupied with their own arcane rituals: polishing boats, selecting flies, handling buckets full of disgusting slimy invertebrates, and so on. While they don't seek the company of other Blokes, drawing strength from solitary meditation upon the water, nor are they unfriendly, and most Fishos will happily allow other Blokes on their fishing trips as long as they stay quiet, pay for the beer, and follow the rule, ‘What happens on the boat, stays on the boat'. Experts have little idea of what
does
happen on the boat, because it stayed on the boat, and the only way to find out is to go fishing, which most consider far too high a price to pay.

Representing the contemplative, philosophical centre of Blokedom, the Fisho is rich with pithy wisdom, and it is thought there is much he could teach us if only he didn't spend all his time grinning like an idiot and holding up huge fish in photographs.

Also contemplative, but with a very different smell, is the
Farmer
. The Farmer is the Bloke to whom any other decent Bloke should say a prayer of thanks, because it is the Farmer who nurtures and sustains us all through his mighty agricultural techniques. Feeding the nation for no reason other than love of his fellow Bloke, the Farmer, more than any other Bloke, resembles Jesus. Instead of feeding five thousand with five loaves and two fishes, however, the Farmer feeds millions with a patch of stony ground, a tractor and sheer Aussie grit.

Farmers inhabit rural areas, and are only seen in the city when attending rallies outside parliament about milk prices. They can be easily identified by their rugged features, tough, gnarled hands, and intense gaze across the open plains. They seldom speak, preferring to communicate in despairing sighs and shakes of the head.

The ancestors of today's Farmers came to Australia in the early 1800s, when the country was stricken by a terrible drought and the colonial government advertised for hardy men to come over and complain about it. Since then, Farmers have been complaining about things with vigour – not just droughts, but myriad other issues such as farm-gate prices, wheat diseases, and, for some reason, gay marriage. Indeed, it is truly said that Farmers are the heartbeat of the nation, serving their fellow man by raising sustenance from the soil and telling everyone that they are the heartbeat of the nation.

The only mystery about Farmers is just why they do the job they do, given it is hard, sweaty, back-breaking work, requiring the ploughing of hard, stony ground and the handling of rambunctious sheep. According to most sources, there's not even any money in it. Those who have studied Farmers in their natural habitat have tried to figure out why these magnificent Blokes go through it all to provide food for their ungrateful city cousins, and have reached the conclusion that they're just really, really nice; all study of Farmer literature and philosophy indicates that there's just nothing else in it for them.

Of course, not all Farmers are identical, with the main division being between those who grow plants and those who keep animals, with further subdivisions between growers of wheat, corn, apples, and so forth, and between keepers of cows, sheep, pigs, chickens, ostriches, etc. Each type of Farmer exhibits particular attributes and skills: growers possess intimate knowledge of pesticides, for example, while livestock Farmers are usually very good at killing things. But all Farmers share distinctive Farmerish characteristics, including a deeply held conviction that the government hates them; a burning desire to strangle Greens; an interest in tractors that borders on the perverse; and a gun with which to shoot wild dogs and city folk.

Farmers are not like Athletes, who other Blokes desperately wish to be, but in their own way they are even more revered – in some states it is actually illegal to not be grateful to the Farmers. They embody the true spirit of Blokedom: hard work, self-sacrifice, and a fear of alternative sexualities. It should never be forgotten that Farmers built this country – the bits of it that are on farms, at least – and an Australia without Farmers is almost unthinkable. Almost every Bloke dreams at some point or another of heading out onto the land and starting up a farm, and is only restrained from following his dream by the fact that it would be horrible.

Farmers are friendly, salt-of-the-earth-type Blokes, and are no danger to civilians if you approach them with a broad smile and a firm handshake. However, do not ever talk to a Farmer about the weather, or you'll be there all day. It is safer to restrict conversation to uncontroversial subjects such as football or Lee Kernaghan.

Conversation is less of a problem with the
Cowboy
, a Bloke so laconic he communicates mainly via smirks and chewing things. The Cowboy is closely related to the Farmer, but unlike the latter is not necessarily restricted to farms, or even the outback. While the Farmer's job is to produce tangible commodities, the Cowboy produces only atmosphere. His main occupation is to wear a hat, and this can be done anywhere; indeed, Cowboys often thrive in urban areas due to the novelty factor. Cowboys also usually wear large boots and an expression of ineffable smugness. Some are skilled at riding horses or bulls, but it's not necessary: a Cowboy is really only required to look like he's good at things, not to actually do them. As such, he is probably the least practically useful of the Bloke's Blokes, but he is extremely iconic and gives other Blokes something to aim for, at least in the field of hat-wearing.

Overall, Bloke's Blokes are the Blokes who stand at the foundation of Blokedom. The Bloke's Bloke is part of the bedrock of Australia; he runs through this country's veins, and, without Bloke's Blokes, we may not have any Blokes at all – or at least the ones we would have would be pretty effeminate. The Bloke's Bloke feeds and sustains us, both literally in the case of the farmer, and spiritually in the case of Athletes and others. He gives all Blokes something to look up to and reach for, and is an inspiration to all who encounter him. Friend to all, but enemy to anti-Blokeishness, the Bloke's Bloke stands for truth, justice, hard work and integrity, and we salute him.

Did you know
… The average Bloke eats 200 steaks, drinks 500 litres of beer, watches 1000 hours of football, and has sexual intercourse with 0.6 women every year.

Of course it is impossible to go into detail about every single Bloke species on God’s green earth, but having dealt with the most prevalent and prominent, it might also be worthwhile to look briefly at a few of the more minor species to provide a more rounded picture of the Bloke Kingdom.

The
Ranter
: This is an angry Bloke who spends most of his time shouting at people, or angrily commenting on online articles. Many other species of Bloke have the potential to morph into Ranters, especially Veterans, Rightoids, Leftites, and, under certain pressures, Bogans. Ranters are defined mainly by their inability to spell, due to the enlargement of the portion of the brain that deals with blind rage, at the expense of the portion of the brain that deals with intelligence.

The
Theologian
: This is a Bloke who believes in God and wants you to as well. Or if he can’t get you to believe, he will settle for making it illegal for you to do things that make him feel icky. There is a degree of overlap between Theologians and Rightoids, and some maintain they are the same species, but a true Theologian isn’t as interested in politics, and is even more focused on the sexual activities of strangers.

The
Doctor
: This Bloke is a doctor. That’s about it, really.

The
Cyclist
: This is a Bloke who suffers from a powerful delusion that he is an Athlete, but in fact he’s not. He’s just a normal Bloke in very inappropriate pants. His natural habitat is in front of your car.

The
Dad
: Many Blokes reproduce, but it is only the Dad who makes it the focus of his life and bores the hell out of all his friends. Dads can be identified by the
Dora the Explorer
-themed bag slung over one shoulder, the look of desperation in their eyes, and their powerful smell, which, depending when you catch them, will be of either vomit or faeces. Every Dad is the first person in history to have children; experts believe this is due to some sort of anomaly in the space-time continuum.

The
Woman
: This is a Bloke with breasts and a vagina. There is some controversy in the scientific community as to whether Women should really be considered Blokes.

Ben Pobjie is an author, comedian, poet, commentator and raconteur. He writes for various publications including
The Age
and
New Matilda
, and has been published widely in the Australian media. His hilarious
Masterchef
tweets and recaps culminated in the publication of
Superchef Australia: A Parody
, in 2011. Ben has also published a collection of political satire called
Surveying the Wreckage
.