The Book of Evidence (31 page)

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T i m e passes. I eat time. I i m a g i n e m y s e l f a kind of grub, calmly and methodically c o n s u m i n g the future, what the w o r l d outside calls the future. I must be careful not to give in to despair, to that aboulia which has been a threat always to everything I tried to do. I have looked for so long into the abyss, I feel sometimes it is the abyss that is think of the monsters on w h o s e side my crime has put me, the killers, the torturers, the dirty little beasts w h o stand by and watch it happen, and I w o n d e r if it w o u l d not be better simply to stop. B u t I have my task, my term.

T o d a y , in the w o r k s h o p , I caught her smell, faint, sharp, metallic, unmistakable. It is the smell of metal-polish — she must have been d o i n g the silver that day. I was so h a p p y w h e n I identified it! A n y t h i n g seemed possible. It even seemed that s o m e d a y I m i g h t w a k e up and see, c o m i n g f o r w a r d f r o m the darkened r o o m into the f r a m e of that d o o r w a y which is always in my m i n d n o w , a child, a girl, one w h o m I will recognise at once, without the s h a d o w of a doubt.

It is spring. E v e n in here we feel it, the quickening in the air. I have s o m e plants in my w i n d o w , I like to watch them, feeding on the light. T h e trial takes place next m o n t h . It will be a quick affair. T h e newspapers will be disappointed. I thought of trying to publish this, my testimony. B u t no. I have asked Inspector Haslet to put it 2 1 9
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into my file, with the other* official fictions. He came to see me today, here in my cell. He picked up the pages, hefted them in Ms hand. It was to be my defence, I said.

He g a v e me a w r y look. D i d y o u put in about being a scientist, he said, and k n o w i n g the Behrens w o m a n , and o w i n g m o n e y , all that s t u f f ? 1 smiled. It's my story, I said, and fm sticking to it. He laughed at that. C o m e on, Freddie* he said, h o w m u c h of it is true? It was the first time he had called me by my name, T r u e , Inspector? I said.

All of it. N o n e of it. O n l y the shame.

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