The Book of My Lives (21 page)

Authors: Aleksandar Hemon

BOOK: The Book of My Lives

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I don’t know what mental capacity is required for comprehending death—and I don’t know at what age one acquires it, if ever—but Ella seemed to possess it. When we told her that her little sister had died, there was a moment of clear understanding on Ella’s face. She started crying in a way that could only be described as unchildlike and said: “I want another little sister named Isabel.” We’re still parsing that statement.

Teri, Ella, and I—a family missing one—then went home. It was November 1, the Day of the Dead. A hundred and eight days had passed since Isabel’s diagnosis.

* * *

One of the most despicable religious fallacies is that suffering is ennobling, that it is a step on the path to some kind of enlightenment or salvation. Isabel’s suffering and death did nothing for her, or us, or the world. The only result of her suffering that matters is her death. We learned no lessons worth learning; we acquired no experience that could benefit anybody. And Isabel most certainly did not earn ascension to a better place, as there has never been a place better for her than Teri’s breast, Ella’s side, or my chest. Without Isabel, Teri and I were left with oceans of love we could no longer practice; we found ourselves with an excess of time we used to devote to her; we had to live inside a void that could be filled only by Isabel’s presence. Isabel’s indelible absence is now an organ in our bodies whose sole function is a continuous secretion of sorrow.

Ella talks about Isabel often. When she talks about her death she does so cogently, her words deeply felt; she knows what happened and what it all means; she is confronted by the same questions and longings as we are. Once, before falling asleep, she asked me: “Why did Isabel die?” Another time, she told me: “I don’t want to die.” Not so long ago, she started talking to Teri, out of the blue, about wanting to hold Isabel’s hand again, about how much she missed Isabel’s laughter. A few times, when we asked her if she missed Isabel, she refused to respond, exhibiting a kind of impatience that is entirely recognizable to us—what was there to talk about that was not self-evident?

Mingus is still good and well, going steadily about his alternative-existence business. Although he stays with us a lot, he lives around the corner yet again, with his parents and a variable number of siblings, most recently two brothers, Jackon and Cliff, and a sister, Piccadilly. He has had his own children—three sons, at one point, one of whom was called Andy. When we went skiing, Mingus preferred snowboarding. When we went to London for Christmas, Mingus went to Nebraska. He plays chess (“chest” in Ella’s parlance) pretty well, it seems. Sometimes he yells at Ella (“Shut up, Mingus!” she yells back); other times he loses his own voice, but then speaks in Isabel’s. He is also a good magician. With his magic wand, Ella says, he can make Isabel reappear.

TABLE OF DISCONTENTS

1. “The Lives of Others,” first published as “The Other Questions” in
Der Andere Nebenan: The South-East-European Anthology
, ed. Richard Swartz, S. Fischer Verlag, Germany, 2007.

2. “Sound and Vision,” first published as “To Catch a Thief” in
The Guardian Weekend
, July 10, 2004.

3. “Family Dining,” originally published as two pieces: “Rationed,”
The New Yorker
, September 3, 2007; and “Borscht,”
The New Yorker
, November 22, 2010.

4. “The Kauders Case,”
McSweeney’s
, Issue 8, 2002.

5. “Life During Wartime,”
The New Yorker
, June 12, 2006.

6. “The Magic Mountain,”
The New Yorker
, June 8, 2009.

7. “Let There Be What Cannot Be,” published as “Genocide’s Epic Hero” in
The New York Times
, July 27, 2008.

8. “Dog Lives,” first published as “War Dogs” in
Granta
, Issue 118, February 2012.

9. “The Book of My Life,”
The New Yorker
, December 25, 2000.

10. “The Lives of a Flaneur,” first published as “Mapping Home” in
The New Yorker
, December 5, 2011.

11. “Reasons Why I Do Not Wish to Leave Chicago: An Incomplete, Random List,” first published in
Chicago in the Year 2000
, ed. Teri Boyd, 3 Book Publishing, 2006.

12. “If God Existed, He’d Be a Solid Midfielder,”
Granta
, Issue 108, September 2009.

13. “The Lives of Grandmasters,” unpublished.

14. “The Kennel Life,” first published as “In the Doghouse” in
Playboy
, August 2006.

15. “The Aquarium,”
The New Yorker
, June 13, 2011.

All the pieces were originally published in somewhat different form and have been revised and edited for this book.

ALSO BY ALEKSANDAR HEMON

The Question of Bruno

Nowhere Man

The Lazarus Project

Love and Obstacles

Farrar, Straus and Giroux

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