The Boss and Nurse Albright (15 page)

“Let me listen to your lungs. Sometimes Lupus affects them.”

She shook her head. “Not mine. Not so far, thanks to this special herb cocktail I take.”

He reached for his doctor’s bag in the storage bay on the opposite wall. “Indulge me. I’m worried about you.”

She sat still while he placed the bell of his super-sized stethoscope on her back. He’d warmed it on his hand, yet still it felt cold against the heat of her rash and she straightened her spine. Her lungs were clear, as she knew they would be, but when Jason moved to her chest he listened intently.

“You have a murmur. Did you know that?”

“Mitral valve prolapse is a common problem with SLE. I’ve never had symptoms from it, though.”

“No skipped beats or rapid pulse?”

“I only get that when I’m on heavy doses of steroids. Or being ravished by you.” That drew a smile from him.

“Let me put on some sunburn balm, at least.” He put his stethoscope away and found some cool aloe gel. His
hands were gentle and there was a caring look in his eyes as he applied it.

“I’m sorry to ruin your day,” she said.

He stopped and shook his head. His ocean-gray eyes were clear with sincerity when he gazed into her face. “Other than your breaking out into a rash, this was the most perfect day I’ve had in years.”

She brushed his lips with hers. “Thank you,” she said, over his mouth.

They kissed again, and it was clear Jason wasn’t sure how much pressure was OK to apply on her skin, or whether to touch her at all. After his hands grazed her arms but never settled, he solved his problem by digging his fingers into her sea-tossed hair and kissed her soundly.

He looked hungrily into her eyes. “I wish you were feeling better,” he said.

“Me, too,” she whispered.

With that, he tucked her into the bunk. “You warm that up for me later, OK?”

She smiled and nodded as she snuggled down into the pillow, hoping a good night’s rest would solve her physical problems. As for her confusion over her growing feelings for Jason, that would take days to figure out.

“I’ll be on the deck if you need anything,” he said, shutting off the cabin light.

Claire closed her eyes and listened to his retreating footsteps. He’d called her “honey” and had said he thought he was falling for her, and it gave her hope that they could find a special meeting place. One that wasn’t haunted by the past.

She’d wanted to make a good impression on the man
she’d quickly come to care about. She hadn’t set out to fall in love with Jason Rogers, but it seemed to be happening anyway. Why else would she strip buck naked and serve herself for lunch?

She covered her eyes and fought off a cringe, but soon remembered what had followed and decided she’d definitely done the right thing.

For the first time since her divorce, she wanted to be in a relationship again. If only her Lupus would cooperate.

Jason didn’t deserve the burden of a chronically sick girlfriend. Not after all he’d been through. The thought made her queasy, though it could be the extra ibuprofen. Fighting off sleep, she lay and waited for him.

He couldn’t bring himself to go to her. Sitting on the deck, listening to the waves lap his boat, Jason stared into the dark. A scattering of stars had already appeared, but the distant shore lights made them weak and dim. He’d slipped up earlier and said something that had shocked him. He wasn’t ready to tell Claire how he really felt.

He thought about her below deck, stricken with a rash and Lupus flare, just because she’d spent the day on his sailboat. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her pain. One nagging morbid thought repeated itself. What if her disease progressed and one day he’d lose her? Could he allow himself to fall in love with another woman he might lose?

And, if that weren’t enough to keep him awake all night, he still needed to work out his resistance to the little one. It wouldn’t be fair to love Claire and not Gina, too. The child deserved nothing less.

But not from him. He wasn’t her father.

“Hanna. Baby girl. I’d give anything to change places with you,” he whispered into the dark.

He’d said it with conviction on so many occasions over the past four years that it took him awhile to recognize how hollow the words sounded this time. Had he said it out of habit, or did he still really want to die? He thought about Claire below in his bunk and longed to go to her but, burdened by a million thoughts, couldn’t bring himself to move.

He was a doctor; he knew how to deal with illness, but…

Two children stood between them. One living. One dead.

Jason cupped his hands behind his head and stared intently into the blackening sky.

The next morning, though Claire’s body aches and rash showed strong signs of improvement, they opted not to hike, and to sail home early.

By mid-morning, they approached the palm tree lined shore of Santa Barbara harbor, where Jason found his berth and docked.

“Before we pick up Gina,” he said, “I’d like to drop off some of this gear.”

Claire had never been to his house, and was interested in seeing where Jason lived. Twenty minutes later, just beyond the community college with the seaside track where a huge track and field meet was going on, they entered his Spanish-styled condo with arched entryway, red tiles and dark wood posts. The layout was open and inviting with the living room and dining
room flowing into the surprisingly large kitchen complete with cooking island, and a terrace with an ocean view opening out from the dining area.

The first thing that hit her between the eyes was a large family portrait oil painting hanging on the living room wall. Seeing Jessica and Hanna made her stop in her tracks. Jessica had large attractive eyes and full lips, and dark brown hair. She perched on the arm of the high-backed chair that Jason sat on with Hanna on his lap. A traditional pose. The little girl had thick, wavy hair down her shoulders, and bright inquisitive eyes. She was skinny and looked consumed by her father’s large hands. The complete happiness evidenced in Jason’s face was something she had yet to witness.

Her heart ached as she studied the portrait, and wondered if she could ever replace that joy. The thought made her shoulders slump.

Jason had bustled ahead down the hall to unload his gear. Rather than gawk at the portrait, and indulge her worst fears, Claire glanced around the room. The long tastefully upholstered couch had most likely been chosen by Jessica. The lamps looked like Tiffany heir-looms. On a nearby table was a box of shoes by a brand Claire particularly liked but could never afford. She lifted the lid, expecting to find a pair of stylish stiletto pumps, perhaps Jessica’s, but found a pair of bronzed booties with Hanna’s birth date inscribed in the stand; a well chewed combination teething ring and baby rattle made out of silver; a slab of clay, brightly painted and glazed, with Hanna’s hand print on it; a homemade Father’s Day card from the year of the accident; a
mother’s locket with Hanna’s picture inside; a multi-jeweled necklace and matching earrings fit for a rich doctor’s wife; a half empty bottle of perfume, a brand far too expensive for Claire to ever consider buying; a Valentine’s card for Jason from Jessica, which Claire did not open; and a mangled wedding ring. A platinum cushion-cut diamond rock that had lost several of the smaller stones outlining the warped band.

Claire’s pulse sped up when she realized the ring would have had to be removed from Jessica’s hand after the accident. Her heart ached for Jason. Tears welled up in her eyes as she realized the significance of this box, and she bit her lip to keep from crying.

Jason found her there, holding the ring.

“I’m sorry,” she said, swiping at her lashes. “I didn’t mean to snoop. I expected to find a pair of shoes, not this.”

Jason picked up the box and reached for the ring. “That’s how we finally identified her.” He studied the misshapen object. “They had to use metal cutters to get it off her finger.” With a distant look in his eyes, he put it back in the box and closed the lid.

At least now, Claire knew where he kept his heart.

“C
AN
we talk about this?” Claire asked, gesturing toward the box.

Last night on the deck, Jason had thought long and hard about their situation. His family. Claire’s Lupus. Her daughter. His daughter. The time they shared with each other, and his losses, which could never be recovered. He wanted Claire, though he didn’t know where a relationship with her might lead since he still didn’t know if he could separate Hanna from Gina.

He needed to delay what he suspected Claire wanted to discuss. He glanced toward the kitchen. “I’ll make some lunch,” he said.

“I don’t think I could eat,” Claire replied, an earnest appeal in her eyes.

She’d found the shoe box. Clearly, she wanted to talk about his family and letting go. The last thing he felt ready for. His stomach clenched as he led her out to the terrace and gestured for her to sit in the shaded area. “At least let me get you some water or soda.”

“Let’s just talk,” she said, patting the chair next to her.

He sat, but couldn’t get comfortable, leaned forward, edgy, and tried not to jiggle his foot.

“Now that I’ve gotten to know the other side of you, Jason, I’d like to have a relationship with you. It’s scary for me to admit, because my ex-husband made me feel like I’m not much of a catch.”

“He’s an ass,” he said. Anything to avoid what he feared would come next. “No disrespect to Gina’s daddy, but the guy did a terrible thing to you.”

“I’m glad you feel that way.” She sighed. “You know me. I like to lay my cards on the table.” She glanced at him with a nervous flutter of lashes. “Jason, you’ve come so far, you’ve opened up and shown me another side of you I never dreamed existed. You’re a decent and honorable man, and I love that about you. You’ve shared your passion for sailing—” she blushed and her voice lowered “—and for making love with me.”

He liked that even after they’d been together several times, and she’d stripped buck naked for him, she could still turn pink and look uneasy discussing their sex life. But he’d as near as told her he loved her, and she hadn’t come close to repeating the sentiments. The topic was a touchy one, to say the least, and his silence wasn’t making it any easier for her. Every muscle in his body tensed rather than blurt out the truth. He loved her, but didn’t think he’d ever make it over the hurdle where Gina was concerned.

“I…uh…heard what you said yesterday in the galley,” she said. “I wanted to say something back, but…uh…you made me very distracted.” She forced a nervous smile, making her lip twitch at the corner. “But
it’s been four years, and a huge part of your life is still in that box.”

Rather than look at him, she gazed off in the distance at the ocean. He wondered if it was because she was afraid what she’d see in his eyes, or what he’d see in hers. He wanted to grab her hands and tell her not to worry. To give him more time. He felt confident he could work through this if she’d just give him a little more time.

But the best he could promise was maybe. Would that be enough for her?

“I don’t expect you to ever forget Jessica or Hanna. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to replace anything. I just want a shot at getting all of you, not the leftovers.” Her gaze settled on him, and he sat perfectly still, knowing how hard it must be for her to tell him this. “I guess what I’m doing is laying myself on the line.”

He understood what she was getting at, but felt pushed in a direction he wasn’t completely ready to go. “You mean like giving me an ultimatum? Move on or else?” The spoken words sounded harsher than when he’d thought them.

She looked quickly at him, as if startled by his blunt assessment.

“Look, I know I’ve been holding out on you, Claire. I’m trying to change. I thought we had a pretty damn great weekend.”

Her smile was weak. “We did.”

“It’s just that I’ve been in this holding pattern so long, I’m stuck.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, earnestly searching her eyes. “I want a re
lationship with you, too.” He reached for her hand. “I have feelings for you, please know that.”

She squeezed his knuckles. “And I have feelings for you, too, but I don’t know how we can explore them if…” She glanced at the shoe box.

If I don’t let go of my dead family
? “I know what you’re saying. And I’m not going to revert to my mantra about how you can’t possibly understand how hard it is to lose what I’ve lost.”

“No one could ever know that, and I’m not trying to make less of it. My heart aches for you and your losses. I can only imagine the pain you’ve gone through, and it makes sense to want to protect yourself from more pain. But Jason, it’s time to make a decision whether you want to continue living half a life alone in a carefully protected world, or risk living a full life with someone else but with the possibility of more pain.”

The ongoing doubt forced a new wave of frustration through his chest. He dug his fingers in his hair and exhaled. “Don’t you think I know that? I’ve thought about it every single day since I met you.”

She nodded. “There’s no way we can know the future. We may wind up just having an affair and hating each other.” With a half-hearted smile she swung her arm dramatically, as if trying to lighten the mood. “Who knows?”

“I can’t believe that.” He smiled and patted her knee. “It’s more than just sex with us.”

A quiet laugh escaped her lips. “I don’t know, the sex is pretty good.” She shook her head and quickly grew serious again.

“Since we’ve gotten to know each other I’ve been
beating myself up over my stubborn ways. It’s just that I’ve been living like this for so long, I…”

“Maybe your stubborn attitude is telling you something. Maybe it’s my Lupus?”

“No! I know we can deal with that. I want to keep you healthy and, between your medical knowledge and mine, there’s no reason we can’t do that.” He’d be damned if he’d brand her as damaged and unworthy of love like her ex-husband had.

“I can’t even go sailing with you without breaking into a rash,” she said.

He lifted a skeptical brow. That was the least of his worries about pursuing a relationship with Claire. “Haven’t you ever heard of sunset cruising? And besides, if I’d been more attentive and kept you out of the sun, this may never have happened.”

The corners of her mouth twisted up into a cautious smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She laced her fingers together and stared at her hands. “Then maybe it’s Gina?”

Oh, damn, he didn’t want to talk about this. What kind of jerk had second thoughts about a woman’s child? He glanced towards the shoe box, thinking of Hanna’s tiny handprint.

Claire saw a telling glint in Jason’s eyes. He’d hesitated when she’d asked the most pressing question written in her heart, and he seemed incapable of giving her a straight answer. She’d been afraid to ask it, but after he hadn’t slept with her last night, she knew something was wrong and needed to know the answer, no matter how painful it might be. He’d said it wasn’t her Lupus and, barring any other unforeseen problems, that left her daughter.

She swallowed her disappointment, and took his hands in hers. “All we can do is see where things go. I’m not asking you to forget your family. I’m just asking you to quit living in that box.” She needed to be more direct, to let him know things couldn’t go on if he had any doubt about accepting her daughter. “And one more thing, Jason. I’m a package deal. If you can’t…”

Her cellphone rang. Their eyes met for a moment-of-truth stare. She saw a flicker of fear before he blinked.

After a brief conversation with her ex-husband, filled with excuses and a change of plans, she hung up. Charles had been the biggest disappointment in her life, but Jason was on the verge of breaking her heart. She swallowed back the bitter taste of defeat, and decided to revert to business as usual.

“That was Charles. Good thing we got home early today, because he wants to drop off Gina already.” The irony curved her mouth into a sarcastic smile. “He’s probably tired of entertaining her. He doesn’t understand that kids are perfectly capable of keeping themselves busy. All she wants is to know someone who loves her is around.”

Jason rose, not uttering a sound. He headed to the door to give Claire a ride home. As they walked to the car, he thought about Gina, and Claire’s comment about how all Gina wanted was to know someone who loved her was around. He had that in common with the little one. On impulse, he hooked his arm through Claire’s, swung her around and kissed her. “Don’t give up on me.”

She didn’t answer, and he couldn’t discern what was written in her eyes.

Half an hour later, after a long and silent drive, they arrived at Claire’s home. A tall thin man with pale, deep-set eyes and longish brown hair paced back and forth. Gina swung happily on the makeshift rope and wood contraption Mrs. Densmore had managed to hang from the ancient oak tree on the property when they’d first moved in. She wore purple denim overalls, with a big pocket on her chest.

“Puth me, Daddy! Wee, look at meeeee. Mommy!”

Gina almost jumped from the swing when she saw them, and Claire sprinted to her side before she could fall on her hands and knees in the gravel or, worse yet, her face. She exhaled an exasperated sigh and flashed an irritated glance toward Charles, who hadn’t been nearly close enough to protect Gina.

“Listen, I’ve got to go. Willow has tickets to the Starlight bowl tonight, and she wants to meet up with some friends for dinner first,” Charles said.

“Thanks for watching her.”

“No problem,” he said, brushing a kiss across Gina’s cheek. “Bye, tweety-bird”

“You tweety-burd,” Gina said with a giggle, swatting at his face.

When Charles drove off, big drops of tears fell from Gina’s eyes, and Claire scooped her into her arms and hugged her tight. “I missed you so much,” she said.

Gina rested her head on Claire’s shoulder. “Mommy,” she sighed, as if she were finally home.

Jason glimpsed a moment that perfectly explained how he’d felt about Claire since last weekend. Not that she was a mommy figure, but that she felt like home. A
new and exciting place he’d forgotten existed. She was steadfast and understanding, and she’d never let anyone down if she could help it, especially someone she loved. And she’d made her point perfectly clear.
Take both of us or nothing at all
.

He wanted a new start. With her.

He loved her. He did. He loved her.

After the dizzying revelation, instead of running off, he wanted nothing more than to stay with her. “Mind if I come in for a while?”

“I’d like that,” Claire said.

With her father gone, Gina discovered Jason’s presence, and squealed, “Dock-to Wah-durs!”

“Hey, squirt, you glad to see me?”

Claire let her down and she ran toward Jason. She took his hand and started chatting away while leading him into the house. “I had wunch at MicDonauds…”

Jason had hoped to pick up the conversation with Claire where they’d left off, to bargain for more time in her good graces, but Gina had other plans. She walked him down the hall to her room and grabbed her favorite book.

“Read me.”

He started the story about a corduroy bear, and glanced down at her curls. They looked soft, and a tender feeling whispered through him. He read to distract himself from the feelings.

Claire took her overnight case to her room, and when she’d unpacked she stopped by long enough to say she was going to check up on Mrs. Densmore.

After fifteen more minutes of Gina handing him book
after book, Claire reappeared at the door. “Gina, honey, I need to talk to Dr. Rogers.”

“He read me.” He’d just finished reading a book about a princess marrying a prince, and she handed him yet another one, after she picked up a doll half as big as her.

“Maybe later,” Claire said.

“Read.” Gina ignored her mother and opened the book for Jason, then pointed to the page where she wanted him to start.

Claire crossed the room, removed the book from Jason’s hands and gave the girl a stern stare. “No. That’s enough for now.”

Gina screwed up her face and threw her dolly down. She opened her mouth without making a peep while tears pooled in her eyes. After what seemed like several seconds, a long wrenching wail finally escaped her mouth.

Claire dropped to her knees and cupped the little girl’s arms. “Calm down, Gina. Get a hold of yourself.”

Uncharacteristically, Gina swung at her mother and stomped her foot. “No!” she said. “No!”

“Sometimes she gets like this after being with her father,” Claire said over her shoulder, a pleading look in her eye. “I’m not sure if it’s because he spoils her, or if it’s just too hard for her to say goodbye.” Claire held her daughter close, though she squirmed and flung her head around. “What’s wrong, Gina? Use your words.”

“No!”

“If you can’t calm down, I’m going to put you on time out to help you.”

“No!”

Remaining calm, Claire stood up and took Gina by
the hand, picked up one of her kiddy-sized chairs and led her to the end of the hall. “Sit,” she said, matter of factly.

To Jason’s amazement, Gina sat facing the wall, fussing and sobbing. The kid knew the routine.

“Two minutes,” Claire said, without a hint of emotion in her voice.

Gina grumbled and kicked the wall she faced.

“I’m not setting the clock until you quiet down.”

More grumbling. Jason tried not to crack a smile.

Claire sighed and rolled her eyes as she tiptoed down the hall, bringing Jason along with her to the kitchen, where she set an egg timer. “Sorry about that.”

“Hey, I’ve seen this behavior plenty of times. It’s got to be hard on her, going back and forth between two parents.”

Claire nodded. “In a perfect world, right?”

He knew exactly what she was talking about.

“Can I make you some coffee?”

Happy to be invited to stick around, he nodded. “Sounds good.” He listened for a moment. “Hey, the squirt has quieted down.”

“Works every time. Thank God for time outs.” Claire flashed a brilliant smile, and Jason couldn’t stop himself from kissing her. Just when their lips were getting warmed up, the egg timer went off.