The Breakup Mix (20 page)

His words slammed against me like a sledgehammer. My coffee caught in my throat, and I had to swallow twice to move it. I blinked hard and took a deep breath. I whispered, “Well,
that
wasn’t the reaction I was looking for.”

Martin said, “I think it’s cool, Mom. You’ll be like a PE teacher for adults.” He grinned.

I chuckled through tears. “Yes, I guess you could say that. Great analogy, bud.”

Del Ray sat up straight. “I think it’s awesome, Mom. You love your time at the gym, and it’s great you’ll get paid for doing what you love. Right, Dad?”

Brandon shrugged and remained silent.

Gibson chimed in, “Will you still get to take us to school and pick us up?”

“An excellent question, Gib,” Brandon said as he eyed me.

I shrank back. “I don’t see why not, but I’ll have to wait to see what classes Reggie wants me to take over.” I thought for a second then sat up straight, “Oh! And I forgot that I’ll also be cleaning some and doing laundry, that sort of thing.” I smiled at Brandon.

He stopped chewing. “Do you think that makes it any better? Really? This is insane, Michelle. Is it full time?”

I whispered, “I don’t
know
yet, Brandon. This all just happened after class today, and I came home to make breakfast instead of sticking around to hear all the details!” I shoved my chair back and scraped my half-eaten breakfast in the trash. “I’ve . . . uh . . . I don’t feel well. I’m going to go lay down. I’ll clean up when you’re all done.”

Del Ray stood up. “Mom . . .”

Brandon said, “Del Ray, sit down and finish your meal.”

She wheeled around and screamed, “You’re killing her soul! Can’t you see that? She was so excited, and you just shit all over her world.”

Brandon stood up and started around the table. “Young lady, you better remember who you’re talking to. Get your ass in your room and don’t come out ‘til I come get you.” He grabbed her plate and scraped it in the trash. “You’re done. Go.” He slammed the plate in my arms and went back to his seat.

I stared at the gravy on my shirt and shaking hands then made the mistake of looking at my boys’ faces. Bile and biscuits tickled at the back of my throat as I saw Gibson and Martin take turns wiping at rogue tears that streamed down their faces. I took the plate to the sink. “Boys, go get your shoes on.” I chased Del Ray down the hallway and met her in her room. “Get your shoes on. We’re leaving.”

Brandon’s chair scraped on the floor then I heard him stomp down the hallway. “What the hell do you mean, ‘we’re leaving?’”

I wheeled around. “Which part are you struggling with, oh mighty one? My children and I are leaving this house right now, Brandon. I have been humiliated, and they’ve cried through too many meals as it is.” Gibson came out of his room wiping his face with his shoes on but untied dragging his coat and heading toward the front door. Martin caught up to him with an eager, get-out-of-dodge walk, and Del Ray squeezed between Brandon and me. I moved around Brandon and went to the bedroom to change my shirt; the bedroom door slammed behind me.

“You’ve really gone off the deep end, Michelle. I don’t know what the hell happened to you, but you’re an absolutely nut job, you know that?”

I shuffled through my stuff and found the shirt I was looking for. “Yep,” I said.

“And where the hell you gonna go, anyway? You have no money and no gas.”

“I’ll figure something out.”

He sighed and choked out, “Are you coming back?”

I looked at him and watched as his quivering chin betrayed his hurt. I wiped my face. “I don’t know,” as I shoved past him and started down the hall. “Get in the car, kids.”

He yelled, “Michelle, don’t do this to our family!” as I slammed the door.

I hurried to the car before I could consider anything he’d said or register the pain on his face. A car full of sniffles and tears peeled out of the driveway and headed down the street. I took a deep breath and tried to think of something uplifting to say to my children, but no words would suffice. It seemed appropriate to let all of our hearts break in silence.

I grabbed Del Ray’s hand. “Let’s get you something to eat, baby.” She squeezed my hand and wiped her face with her other one and nodded. I drove across town, pulled into IHOP and killed the engine. We all got out and shuffled into the restaurant to think over what just happened.

We were seated at a booth near a drafty window and I whispered to the kids, “I don’t have a whole lot of money, so go easy on the ordering, okay?”

Once our order was taken and the waitress left, I took a sip of water and stared at the blank looks on my children’s faces. They all stared at the nothing in front of them and fought the tears that brimmed in their eyes. I bit my lip and wondered if this was doing more harm than good.

“Guys, let’s try, just for once, to have a good, happy meal, okay? Forget about what happened at the house just now and let’s just enjoy being together and try to have a normal conversation. I don’t even remember the last time that happened.”

Martin looked up. “I got an A on my science test yesterday.”

I grinned. “Good job, bud! All that studying paid off, huh?”

He smiled and shrugged, “I guess so.”

Gibson said, “I got chosen first on the kickball team at recess yesterday.”

“No kidding? That’s cool! It’s a little cold for outside recess, isn’t it?”

He shook his head. “We weren’t outside. We were in the gym. I kicked one ball that went over the heads of all of them and got to second base.” His grin widened as he leaned forward. “And I caught Benton Forter’s ball for the first time ever. It was awesome.”

Del Ray took her turn. “I made first chair in band try-outs for the spring concert.” She looked at me and smiled. “We’re doing a flashback to the eighties thing. You’re going to totally love it.”

I chuckled. “Finally they’re bringing coolness to the band. Well, you guys already heard my good news.”

Martin said, “Tell us about the class this morning.”

I took a sip of my coffee and sighed. “It was fabulous. The regular class leader didn’t show up, and Reggie asked me to lead. Now, I always stay in the back of the class because I just don’t feel like I’m one of them, ya know? But I guess he noticed at some point, so he asked me to lead, and at first I was so freaking nervous! I’ve never done anything like that, and I didn’t know really what I was doing. But once the class started, I just made it up as I went along. Several women told Reggie that was the best workout they’d had in months, so he asked me to take over.”

Del Ray smiled. “I’m proud of you, Mom. That’s awesome.”

Martin asked, “While we’re on Christmas break, can I go to the gym with you?”

“I don’t see why not. If you’re going to do the class, though, you’ll have to go to the back and stay out of the way of the ladies. They get pretty vicious when it comes to cardio.” I winked at him causing him to grin.

Gibson’s question cut the air. “Mom, are we going back home today?”

I stared at the coffee in front of me and thought how it took the coffee, sugar, and cream to make that brew the perfect flavor for me. The sugar needed the heat from the coffee to melt it; the coffee needed a sweet touch of creamer to dilute the bitter taste, and the creamer needed the sugar to amplify what it already had to begin with. Individually, they all had their faults, but together, they made my morning complete. The three elements in my coffee reminded me of my bitter daughter, my sweet middle child, and the softness of my baby. I was the cup, and Brandon was the saucer. Or was he the spoon. Maybe he was the handle which kept me from getting burned. Or maybe he represented the cautionary heat that taught me to blow on the coffee to keep from getting burned.

I sighed. “I honestly don’t know, Gib. I didn’t think that far ahead. I was pissed that Del Ray’s food got trashed, I was pissed that you and your brother were crying at yet another meal, and I was pissed because your father embarrassed me in front of you.”

The waitress appeared with our order and hurried off to tend to a table of eight seated nearby. Judging by the looks of them, they were suffering “the morning after the night before” and there wasn’t enough coffee or grease in the building to cure their hurts.

I grabbed Del Ray’s hand and reached for Gibson’s across from me. He grabbed Martins, and the other two completed the circle. We bowed our heads as I prayed, “Father, thank You for the opportunity to have a nice meal with my children. Keep us safe and help us to be good people today. Amen.”

“Amen,” they repeated and reached for their silverware.

I tried to mentally calculate how much breakfast was going to cost, but I lost track as the kids sang out their orders. Best I could tell, I was looking at about thirty bucks after tip and prayed it didn’t go over that because I only had forty in my purse that was supposed to go into my gas tank.

The chitchat at the table was such a nice reprieve from the tension-filled niceties we’d all grown accustomed to. I saw a side of my kids I wasn’t aware they had, and while it was fun to see their personalities emerge, the realization that came from wondering how long they’d been suppressing themselves wasn’t lost on me.

The waitress came to see if we needed anything else, and I said, “No ma’am, just the check, please.”

She smiled. “Actually, a couple in the restaurant that wants to stay anonymous has already paid your tab. They wanted me to tell you that God loves you, everything is going to be all right, and to have a merry Christmas.”

I put my head in my hands and gritted my teeth to prevent the sobs from escaping my mouth. I nodded my head and blinked hard as I whispered, “Tell them I said thank you.”

She smiled as she cleared the plates. “Y’all have a merry Christmas.”

I put ten dollars on the table. “Are you guys ready?”

Del Ray said, “Way to pay it forward, Mom,” as she grinned and stood up.

“It’s the least I can do,” I whispered as I sniffled and wiped my face. I glanced around the room to see if I could pinpoint the couple who blessed us, but everyone was focused on their food.

Gibson said loudly, “Thank you! Merry Christmas!” as he waved to whomever might be delighted by this eight-year-old’s declaration. Several people lifted their glasses. “Merry Christmas!”

We left the restaurant giggling and hugging as I fought another round of sobs stuck in my throat. Just for a moment, we were happy. The kids were laughing and teasing Gibson for his outburst while he reminded them what good manners were. And I ate up every minute of it.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Always on My Mind

Chance

Christmas. The happiest time of the year for three-fourths of population, and the loneliest time for the rest of us. For the last three months, I have spent every day trying to forget what happened in St. Louis. It was a hard sell, though, especially since I was forcibly asked to step down from the anchor desk and put on some bullshit reporting/writing detail for the website.

I guess I had that coming since I disobeyed my boss, tucked-tail and left the dinner then skipped the press conference I’d been sent to cover. Eddie and the crew did a great job on the segment, but “the face of the station” blah blah blah. I’d love to tell you what Stuart said, but I didn’t care enough to listen. I should have just quit but needed my health insurance long enough to get through this year’s checkups. But next week? Adios, assholes. I’m Florida-bound.

Tony set me up. Thousands of questions blanketed my mind from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep—day in and day out. The only person who could answer them tried to call me four times a day and sent multiple texts for the first few weeks after the “humiliation of Chance,” but I took my phone’s advice and didn’t answer. And eventually he took his phone’s advice and didn’t call.

I didn’t need his lame excuses. I didn’t need to hear his voice, and he damn sure didn’t deserve the privilege of returned texts. He ripped me out of my life and put me in St. Louis to rub his beautiful, sexy, successful bimbo of a girlfriend in my face. All of his “she’s not my girlfriend; she was joking; it’s not like that; please call me; I miss you” texts were just meant to lure me in further to make it hurt that much more when he dropped the bomb. “Hey, you’re the one that didn’t want me.” I could see his game for miles. That he didn’t give me enough credit to see it was to his detriment.

But why did he have to say all those things? Why did he look at me like he did? Why would anyone put on such a performance only to yank the rug right out from under me? Was that the plan all along?

Chubs realized I was awake and nuzzled under my arm, which was the exact reminder of why I’m still single. I could accept his affection with only the expectation that I would take care of him and love him back. No strings, no games, and simple expectations. My kind of relationship.

I walked Chubs out to the doggie area and pulled my coat tighter around my body. The wind threatened to break through my walls and expose that my insides were the same temperature as the wind chill outside.

Since St. Louis, everything has felt tilted. I’ve been walking through life wearing two different shoes. No amount of pep talks could reroute me back to the moment before Stuart called me into his office and said the words, “St. Louis.” Colors were muted, fragrances I used to enjoy were pungent, and I hadn’t listened to music in months. The void in me ran rampant in my existence, and while every night I went to bed thinking the next day would be different, every morning proved to be the same.

But not for much longer. Because in one week, I’m blowing this popsicle stand and shedding this life that has me suffocating while trading it in for sand, sunshine, and friendship. My apartment is paid up through June, my mail has been forwarded, and my car will be nestled in Alissa’s garage while I’m gone. And to my knowledge, Tony has never been to Naples, so there will be nothing there to remind me of him at all.

The wind attacked and forced me to turn against it placing me staring at the lonely pavilion in the middle of the courtyard. It seemed to share my sorrow as it slumped with no hint of happiness around it. It read my thoughts like last year’s love letters from an opportunity lost and seemed to shudder when it got to the part where I let my fear of commitment make a permanent decision that would alter my life. I closed my eyes to keep from seeing it sigh.

I called Chubs, attached his leash, and hurried into the warmth of the building. At least my body felt relief even if the heat didn’t reach my soul.

My phone was ringing when I entered the apartment; I knew it wasn’t Tony, because I’d changed his ring tone to the “Imperial Death March” to keep my heart from leaping every time the damn thing went off. It was Katie probably wanting to know what time we had to be at Alissa’s to make sure it still fit in Landon’s “busy” schedule.

“Hello, lady bug,” I answered.

“Chance, have you heard from Michelle?” she breathed.

My heart skipped a beat. “No, why?”

“Brandon just called me and said she took off with the kids a few hours ago and hasn’t come home yet. He’s trying to find her.”

“I guess Sherlock Holmes tried her cell phone?”

She sighed. “I mean she left left . . . as in she’s left him, I guess.”

My knees buckled as I fell onto the couch. “Are you shitting me?”

She sniffled. “I know, right? She’s not answering my calls, either, which means she’s probably figured out that Brandon’s trying to find her. Can you try to get a hold of her?”

I thought about it for a second. “I’m not really sure her leaving is a bad thing, Katie.”

She cut me off. “She’s got his
kids
, Chance. It’s not just about her.”

“Whoa, whoa, they’re her kids, too. Did he tell you what happened?”

“Not much just that she’s been hard to live with the last few months and she went off the deep end this morning and left.”

I mumbled, “Yeah, well I’m sure there’s way more to that story than he’s letting on.”

“Chance, stop with the judgment for a second and realize that we all know that Michelle hasn’t been herself for a while. She could really be in trouble and she’s got her kids with her.”

I snarled. “Maybe
you
should remember for a second that Brandon is a complete douchebag who likes to take his jabs at our
friend
. Michelle’s unstable at times but she’ll never put those kids in harm’s way.”

“Ugh, whatever. I’ll try Alissa and Dani. If you hear from Michelle, please call me.” She hung up and I threw my phone on the couch to pout.

Where does she get off calling me all frantic making demands and taking Brandon’s side? We haven’t even heard from Michelle yet! I grabbed my phone and dialed Michelle’s number. “No, this doesn’t look obvious at all,” I mumbled.

Michelle answered on the third ring, “Guess news travels fast, huh?”

I chuckled. “Just trying to make sure you’re not holed up in a culvert somewhere with your three homeless children, kiddo. Katie just called.”

She sighed. “Yeah, she and Brandon have been blowing up my phone. I haven’t heard from her in months, so I figured he called her.” She muffled the phone and said something to her kids I couldn’t make out then returned to the phone. “Okay, they’re going to go look at toys, so I have a few minutes.”

“Where are you?”

“We’re at Walmart.” Her voice cracked when she said, “I couldn’t take it anymore, Chance. He’s such an absolute douche.”

“Well, yeah! He always has been. What set you off, kid?”

“Everything. The way he chews his food, seeing the boys cry at breakfast, shoving a dirty plate at me, how completely disrespectful he is . . .”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Tell me what happened.”

“I can’t get into it right now; I’m in Walmart a week before Christmas, so you can imagine how packed this place is. I’ll tell you all about it tonight at Alissa’s party.”

“Okay, but meanwhile what are you going to do? Where are you going to go?” She hesitated longer than I liked, so I continued. “I have nothing going on today, Michelle. Bring the kids over. They can play with Chubs and watch TV while we catch up. I just brewed a pot of coffee.”

She giggled. “You know how to tease me.”

“Will you come?”

She sniffled. “Yeah, we’ll be over shortly.”

Twenty minutes later, they filtered through my door looking like they had just emerged from a homeless shelter. I could tell the boys had no interest in being drug from place to place, but they’d just have to deal for a while. I hugged Del Ray and remembered I’d forgotten to have that chat Michelle had asked me to have with her about sex at a young age. I grimaced with the thought and thanked my lucky stars I’d forgotten. I was uncomfortable just thinking about it.

I turned over the remote to the boys and set Del Ray up on my iPad then took Michelle into the dining room to have a chat. She warmed her hands on the coffee mug in front of her. “It’s bitter cold out there today.”

I nodded. “I’m pretty sure Chubs’s piss was frozen before it hit the ground this morning.”

She chuckled. “That’s an awesome visual.” She cleared her throat and glanced over her shoulder at the kids in living room. She shook her head. “I don’t know why I’m being all secretive. It’s not like they weren’t there to see the whole thing.”

I looked at her then noticed the drastic change in her appearance. “Good Lord, Michelle, stand up!”

She frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Look at you! How much weight have you lost? Geez, you look fantastic!”

She giggled, stood up, and held up her three-sizes-too-big sweatshirt. “I’m down thirty-two pounds as of this week.” She turned around in a circle and threw her arms out to the side. “Ta-da!”

I gasped. “Wow, that’s incredible! Your clothes are hanging off you, though. I’ll have to give you some of my stuff.”

Her eyes grew wide. “Really? That’d be great!”

“Sure. When we’re done here, we’ll raid my closet. It’ll be fun.”

“Gosh, I haven’t worn your clothes since after Del Ray was born.” She bit her lip. “I don’t know if I can wear them, Chance.”

“Meh, we’ll give it a shot. So, catch me up on the last three months. Obviously you’re surviving on saltines and lettuce, but what else?”

She laughed. “Actually, no, I’m eating but I’m working out every day. You remember Alissa bought me that membership, right? Well that was a complete abomination to one young Brandon-san who said I didn’t need to spend any more time away from the family than I already did. So, I started getting up early in the mornings and attending a class. It just went from there, and then I lost my job—”

My mouth flew open. “What? When?”

“About three months ago, I guess.”

“Good grief, child, and you never thought to pick up the phone?”

She grimaced. “I was in a . . . dark place, Chance. And I knew if I talked to you or anyone else about it, the checkbooks would come flying out, and I just didn’t want to deal with Brandon on any of it.”

She had a point. None of us like to see Michelle struggle the way she has, and while it hasn’t happened often, we’ve all taken a turn at giving her money to get her through. Not that she’s asked for it—she would never. But giving money when we’ve got it to spare and wouldn’t miss it anyway when one of our own is struggling is what we do. And if she’d called and said she’d just lost her job, you can bet Alissa, Dani, and I would have been racing each other to the wet ink.

Michelle set her coffee cup down and wiped her eyes on her sweatshirt sleeve. I hopped up to grab the box of tissues that had become my best friend over the last few months and placed them in front of her.

“Thanks,” she said as she grabbed three out at a time. She took a deep breath. “I tried like hell to find a new job. No one wants to hire a thirty-something whose only real talent lies in a kitchen, and flipping burgers wasn’t an option. So, I’ve been working out every day, and this morning, I was offered a job at the gym.”

I grinned. “Michelle, that’s great.”

She groaned. “
See? You
get it. Why can’t he?” She dabbed at her eyes. “Anyway, I made this huge breakfast for the family and Brandon lost his shit when I told him about the job offer. He started in on me, and the next thing I know, Del Ray is standing up for me and yelling at her father, the boys are crying in their scrambled eggs, and Brandon’s shoving Del Ray’s breakfast plate in my gut. So we left.” She blew her nose and reached for my arm. “I just wanted to have one meal with my kids where one of us weren’t on the verge of tears. Ya know? Just one meal where we’re sitting down like a normal family enjoying each other’s company. I didn’t really mean to leave-leave, but I don’t want to go home.” She whispered, “And I don’t think they do, either.”

I glanced at the kids in the living room and studied their blank expressions. I looked at her. “You know, Michelle, I’m leaving for six months. My apartment is paid up; all of my bills for this place are pre-paid through June . . .”

She held up her hand. “Don’t do that . . . just . . . not right now. I can’t be tempted with that while I’m trying to make a solid decision for my family. I appreciate it, I really do. But let me just think for a while before you dangle that carrot.”

I smiled. “Okay, well the offer is there. Just tuck it back in the back of your mind.” I leaned in and whispered, “What about Christmas?”

She shrugged and shook her head as she pursed her lips. Her eyes filled with tears and she shook her head again as they dripped down her face.

I felt my nose tingle with brewing tears and bit my lip. “Will you let me help you? Please? Let me do this for you. I don’t have any family to buy for, so let me spoil yours this year.”