The Brenda Diaries (18 page)

-Making the most of my rescue trip to Palm Springs by stopping at the outlets for a little shopping. Sluthammer can stay in the car and cry.

-It's as if everyone dumped their relationships in a blender and hit purée, including me. Gonna take a bit of effort to sort all this out.

June 27:

-Leaving relationship baggage at home and heading to work. How sick is it that I've been looking forward to this all weekend? Very. I think.

-Sluthammer is done with MoneyBags. Might have something to do with his wife threatening to pull out her extensions...which she doesn't have.

-Boyfriend(?) has shown up at work! With flowers! BitchFace is jealous! I'm still mad at him, but BitchFace doesn't need to know that.

June 28:

-Finally gotten a handle of this job. Ask for work before the manager has her first cup of coffee. She's so out of it, she lets me choose.

-BitchFace wants to be my best friend. So many compliments and inane questions. But, no, I won't be eating that homemade muffin she gave me.

-Not sure I want to forgive Boyfriend(?) and it's not just because of the porkpie hat and blond. I might have chronic relationship fatigue.

June 29:

-Stopping by Boss's empty office to pick up mail and water plants. He and Wife are off trying to make a baby on some tropical beach. Weirdos.

-BitchFace wants to be pals, but I know she's up to something very evil. It's very The Roommate which is a ripoff of that other better movie.

-Been doing some creative typing at home. I've talked too much smack about cafe writers to show my face and laptop at Starbucks.

-A vacation is not a vacation unless it takes place in a hotel. Not a tent, condo or RV.

-Boyfriend is really working it, but the more he tries the more I'm just very meh about it. Guess that turns him on. Weirdo.

-Boyfriend(?) wants to hang out this weekend. Not in the mood. Said I'm visiting my grandma (who will be in Vegas gambling my inheritance).

June 30:

-Got pulled into a meeting to explain the database to the VP of something or another. For this I get a bonus15 minute break. How to use it?

-It's been one of those days to go with a week that's been just as crappy.

July

July 1:

-My rep at temp agency has nothing for me. Nothing. Things usually dry up in August, pick up in September. Job drought has come way early.

-BitchFace wants to throw a goodbye party for my last day here. Considering she snagged the job from me, I think it’s very bitchface of her.

-Grandma says it's okay if I spend the weekend at her place while she's in Vegas. She made me promise to water her plastic plants.

July 2:

-Power walk with the lady in the condo next door then breakfast at the cafetorium before crafts. This place is camp for geezers. I like it.

-The 70-y-o guy from 101C is fooling around with the gal from 308A, but engaged to the woman from 110B. It's like Melrose Place around here.

-Grandma called from Vegas to tell me to stay away from guy from 101C. He's already hit on me twice, so her warning was a little late.

July 3:

-Sluthammer showed up like I knew she would. Have to keep her away from the old guys. Most of them have heart issues.

-Water aerobics class was not much of a workout. Everyone just floats around, gossiping about what's going on with 101C, 308A and 110B.

-It's barely 7 and I'm yawning. Who knew three solid hours of bingo could be so exhausting? But these folks play to win. They're ruthless.

July 4:

-Going to a friend's 4th of July backyard bash. Offered to bring something and he said "Can you pick up some food?" Fun times ahead.

-How can a holiday that features hotdogs, marching and fireworks be so depressing? Sluthammer is faking it in cutoffs. I'd rather be at home.

-You know what? Fireworks do make everything better. Hurray, USA!

July 5:

-Even though I don't have a temp assignment this week, I still got up and dressed as if for work. Didn't fool Sluthammer, tho. She's sharp.

-Have watch way too many Lifetime lady crack movies with Sluthammer. We now suspect each other of the most horrible acts of betrayal.

-Trying to cheer Sluthammer up with a waxing party. That girl lives to depilate.

July 6:

-Working for building handy guy--painting, hammering and such. I'm wearing coveralls, a baseball cap, latex gloves and lipstick, of course.

-If I owned an apartment complex, I wouldn't rent to frat boys. They totally trashed this place. Holes in the floor, walls and ceiling. Bad!

-Trying to wash dried paint out of my hair. It's the most boring shade of beige you can imagine. The paint, not my hair.

July 7:

-Handy says I'm ready to handle a leaky faucet on my own. I think he's right. It's just all the rest of my life I suck at.

-It's my job to get lunch for me and Handy which Poky, the landlord, pays for as long as it's under $7 each. This gig is kind of sweet.

-Sluthammer thinks I should focus on getting a real career. She's worried I'm going to fill out my over-sized coveralls and get bad tattoos.

July 8:

-My temp rep is on maternity leave. Don't like the gal whose taken over for her, but I have to play nice or get screwed. Not the fun kind.

-Watching paint dry is not as exciting as it sounds.

-Last day as an apprentice handy gal. Kind of bummed, but learned lots of useful stuff. Handy says I can moonlight for him anytime. Bonus.

July 9:

-Sluthammer can't take being so near yet so far from MoneyBags' hairy armpit. She's off to her dad's in Chicago. Funny enough, I'll miss her.

-Word has gotten around that Boyfriend(?) and I are on the outs. Friends insisting I go out with them. Should be good for couple of drinks.

July 10:

-Visiting with grandma today. Hoping she has some words of wisdom for me, but I doubt it. Most likely she'll hit me up for bingo money.

-Relief. Lined up a job. Covering for a friend while she's on vacation. Starts tomorrow and she said to make sure I wear comfy shoes.

July 11:

-Talked with Handy about his ideal wife. He's looking for a nice Eastern Orthodox gal with roomy hips and a cheerful disposition. So not me.

-Text from Sluthammer asking about the weather. Told her it's fantastic, but might be a bit better if she were around to enjoy it with me.

-Off to cover for a friend whose on vacation. While she lolls on a beach in Belize, I'll be digging deep for my long neglected retail skills.

July 12:

-Not used to being in bed this late on a weekday--I don't have to be at the mall until noon. Too much free time is not good for my morals.

-Starting my second day as a retail monkey with a positive attitude. As in: I'm positive today is going to totally suck for this monkey.

-People are way ruder when you're the one wearing the smock.

-What's up with the giant kids in strollers? If your kid can text on his cell phone, he can walk. (Maybe not at the same time.)

July 13:

-Volunteered to watch Yappy dog while his bitch is at the gym. Doing it for free because I'm not a bitch.

-I know the location of every mall bathroom (Bloomingdale's is nicest) and ATM, but can't figure out the underground parking lot. Got lost!

-Just spent what I've earned on a cute pair of shoes. And now I remember why I had to stop working at the mall.

-Doing the lonely gal thing and going to a movie instead of going home, but I'm wearing my cute new shoes. Something good is bound to happen!

July 14:

-When every day seems to be Friday the 13th....

July 15:

-Today I get to see where what I've been selling comes from--a warehouse on the outskirts of Downtown Los Angeles. I'll never be the same…

-What Mall Employees Do to Pass the Time: Playing spot the shoplifter. So far I'm 2 for 5.

-Friday night. No Sluthammer or Boyfriend to keep me from going absolutely wild. My Tivo isn't going to know what hit it.

July 16:

-Trying to make up for last night's Tivo binge by walking to Starbucks instead of driving. In my mind this wipes the slate clean.

-Fully prepared to make the most of my lazy Saturday...right after I organize my sock drawer and clean out the fridge.

-Surprise invite to go out from Thief. I thought he had a girlfriend. I've accepted just to find out.

July 17:

-My phone woke me up and it was Boyfriend(?) on the other end and I agreed to meet him for brunch. Must be due to only have 3 hours of sleep.

July 18:

-Hoping for a call for a last minute temp assignment. Until that happens, I'm cleaning the bathroom tile grout with a toothbrush. Yes. I am.

-No temp assignment. I'm babysitting Void for the rest of the week while he's parents are out of town. This could be scary and interesting.

-Boyfriend(?) might be Boyfriend again which means I'm not going to go into details about that night with Thief. And so it begins.

July 19:

-First day as a house-teenager sitter for Void while his parents are in Europe. Dressed the part-- long skirt, cardigan and hair in a bun.

-I'll be driving the family Volvo to take Void to his guitar lesson in West Hollywood...just as soon as he remembers where he put his guitar.

-Void picked where to eat dinner. Not surprised (and secretly thrilled) that he wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese's. The cardigan is coming off!

July 20:

-Waking up in a strange bed is weird (even when it's in a guest room in Pacific Palisades). I'll ask Sluthammer how she can do it so easily.

-Void wants to have some friends over to play video games. He says I'm more than welcome to invite any and all of my hot girl friends. Right.

-Taught Void how to load and run the dishwasher. Tomorrow it's laundry. See what happens when parents have the housekeeper do everything?

July 21:

-Stupidly took Void up on his challenge to see who could eat more bowls of Fruit Loops. Now the roof of my mouth is raw. I won. Of course.

-Sitting with all the other nannies in the waiting room while Void is in with his therapist. I'd compare notes, but I'm only a temp nanny.

-Void wants to cook dinner. Or at least try to. I'm going to let him because I'm curious to see what he can do with a box of Mac & Cheese.

July 22:

-Void wants to see who can stand staying in their pajamas longest. He's already won this one.

-We've managed to clear the pantry and fridge of anything edible. Heading out for provisions, but Void won't let me make a list. Dangerous.

-Boyfriend wants to see me, but I'm a responsible babysitter. He'll just have to take care of things on his own until Sunday.

July 23:

-Watching Saturday morning cartoons and eating sugary cereal. Wonder when Void will wake up?

-As many times as I tell Void that saying "Who farted?" is not funny, it still makes me laugh every time.

-Void wants to go to a house party and says I can come along as his faux cougar…Sounds like fun!

July 24:

-Void wants to pitch water balloons over the crabby neighbor's fence. Told him I'll join in but we have to wait until I'm off the clock.

-Giving the place a quick tidy for Void's parents' return. Nothing broken, burned or burgled. I've done my job.

-Turned down Void and his parents' offer to stay for dinner. It's time to go home.

July 25:

-Boss dared me to face in instead of the doors on our ride up the elevator. People really don't like that.

-Boyfriend is coming over. Feeling mean so I'm going to make him watch The Notebook then, after it's done, tell him I have a headache.

July 26:

-Who flosses their teeth while driving? On the freeway? Some guy in a BMW was. At least he wasn't texting at the same time.

-You know what's weird? Seeing someone famous who you don't know is famous, but you have the feeling she is.

-Boyfriend is coming over, but this time there will be no Notebook. Just sex. He's earned it.

July 27:

-Boss's wife wants my pee to make sure her pregnancy tests aren't faulty. She's assuming mine will be negative. So am I.

-My pee has tested double plus signs for lattes. It's official. I'm having a Starbucks baby.

-Boyfriend found Wifey's extra pregnancy tests in my purse. Let his freak out go on for way too long, but it was fun to see.

July 28:

-Got yelled at by one of Boss's extra jerky clients. It's not my fault his 3 ex-wives are talking to soon to be 4th about where the money is.

-It's window washer day! Dared Boss to moon the guy for $20 even though I know he'd do it just for kicks.

-Boyfriend has recovered from pregnancy test scare. Promised to never peek in my purse again. Now I can stash my porn in there.

July 29:

-Boss says Wifey is taking not being pregnant hard. Which means it's his job to be hard to fix it.

-My rep is still on leave so I'm a temp orphan at my agency. Have to take what I can get and not ask for more. It's all very Oliver Twist.

-Calling in girlfriend and friend sick and staying in tonight. It's just me, my laptop and a crap load of Hoarders on Tivo. Perfection.

July 30:

-When in doubt, do laundry.

-Boyfriend needs me to be a girlfriend with a capital G. Wonder if they make a pill for that?

July 31:

-Did you just feel that earthquake? Sluthammer is back in Los Angeles! And in my apartment. What's the opposite of "!"?

-Sluthammer says what I need is a fake tan. She has tube of it and is determined that I make use of it.