The Brothers Karamazov (108 page)

“What did he say?” Alyosha said, jumping at the opportunity.

“I said to him: ‘Therefore everything is allowed, if that is so.’ He frowned and said: ‘Fyodor Karamazov, our dear papa, was a pig, but he reasoned correctly.’ That was quite an answer, wasn’t it? That was all he said. But it goes a bit deeper than Rakitin, don’t you think?”

“Yes, indeed,” Alyosha agreed bitterly. “When did he come to see you?”

“I’ll tell you about that later. I haven’t told you anything about Ivan yet. I thought I’d leave that for the last. When we’re through with all this comedy here, when they decide on the sentence, I’ll tell you something then. There’s some sinister business going on here . . . Well, you’ll be my judge. But don’t even ask me about it now—just forget it for the time being. You know, you were talking about the trial tomorrow—would you believe me if I told you that I have no idea at all what will happen there?”

“Haven’t you spoken to that lawyer?”

“That lawyer! I told him everything. He’s just one of those soft-spoken city fellows. Another Bernard! And he doesn’t believe one word of what I say. He’s convinced that I’m the murderer, I can see that. ‘In that case,’ I asked him, ‘why did you come here to defend me?’ To hell with the lot of them. They’ve also brought in a doctor to try and prove I’m mad. I won’t let them, though. Katerina, of course, will do ‘her duty to the bitter end,’ as she sees it, and at whatever cost!” Mitya snorted bitterly. “She’s a hard, cruel woman, who knows how to hate; she’s a hell cat and I’m sure she knows what I said about her at the interrogation. They must have told her . . . And, you know, there are as many facts against me as there are grains of sand on a beach. Gregory is sticking to his story. Gregory is honest, but he’s stupid. There are many people in the world who are honest just because they are stupid. That’s Rakitin’s idea. Gregory is my enemy. We’re better off having some people as enemies than as friends. In saying that, I’m thinking of Katerina. I’m very much afraid of what she may say in court about the way she bowed to me after I gave her that four-and-a-half thousand rubles. She’ll pay me back for that, for every kopek of it! But I don’t want any sacrifice from her! They’ll shame me at the trial for that. I don’t know how I’ll be able to stand it! Please go and see her, Alyosha, and ask her not to say anything about that in court. Or perhaps that’s impossible? Ah hell, I suppose I’ll stand that too! But I’m not sorry for her. She’s sorry enough for herself. She’s getting what she deserves. I’ll say what I have to say, Alexei, don’t worry!” Mitya snorted again. “But what about Grusha? Why should she have to go through that ordeal, why should she?” Mitya cried suddenly, tears appearing in his eyes. “It just kills me when I think of Grusha, it just kills me . . . She was here earlier today and . . .”

“She told me she had come. You made her very miserable today.”

“I know. Damn my lousy character! I was jealous. I felt sorry when I kissed her as she was leaving, but I didn’t ask her to forgive me.”

“Why not?” Alyosha cried in surprise.

Mitya laughed almost gaily.

“You’re just a little boy, Alyosha, so here’s a piece of advice for you: never ask the woman you love for forgiveness! Especially if you really love her, however guilty you may be before her. A woman is so peculiar, Alyosha. Damn it, that’s one subject I really know quite a bit about. I tell you, the moment you admit to a woman that you’ve wronged her and ask her to forgive you, she’ll never stop showering you with reproaches. No woman will ever just forgive you for what you’ve done. First she’ll humiliate you as much as she can and remind you of all the mistakes you’ve ever made, and even of those you never made; she will forget nothing and add plenty, and only then will she forgive you. And that’s how the best, the nicest of them, act! She’ll scrape the bottom of the barrel and pour it over your head—it’s an instinct in those angels, without whom we cannot live. You see, Alyosha, my boy, I’ll tell you frankly—every self-respecting man is bound to land under the heel of some woman at one time or another. That’s my conviction, or rather a feeling I have. A man should be forgiving—it will never degrade him. Forgiving will not stain even a hero, not even Caesar! And yet you must never ask a woman to forgive you—anything rather than that! I want you to remember this rule, taught you by your older brother Mitya, who perished because of women. No, I think I’d better make it up to Grusha in some other way, without asking her to forgive me. I stand in awe before her, Alexei. I worship her! She doesn’t see it, though. She always thinks I don’t love her enough. And she torments me, torments me all the time with love. My love for her before was nothing compared with the way I feel about her now. Before it was those infernal curves of hers that drove me crazy, while now it’s her soul, her whole soul, which she has given me and which has made a new man out of me. Will they marry us, do you think? I’ll die of jealousy if they don’t. Every night I’m haunted by jealous dreams . . . What did she say to you about me?”

Alyosha told him what Grushenka had told him. Mitya listened attentively, asking him to repeat various things, and was pleased.

“So she’s not angry with me for being jealous!” he cried. “There’s a real woman for you. So she said that she can be hard and cruel herself—ah, I love cruel, strong women of that sort, although I cannot stand it when someone is jealous of me, I just can’t stand it! Well, we’ll fight then, but I’ll love her, love her no end . . . I wonder whether they’ll let a convict marry. Do you think they’ll marry us, Alyosha? That’s the question, for I cannot live without her.”

Mitya frowned and started walking up and down the room. The room was almost completely dark now. Suddenly his face took on a terribly worried look.

“So she says I have a secret from her. That’s what she says, does she? We’re plotting, the three of us, against her, and ‘that Katya woman’ is in on it, she thinks. No, ma’am, you have that one upside down. You’ve twisted it all up in your silly woman’s way, Grushenka, my girl! Ah hell, Alyosha, I’ll tell you that secret of ours, after all.”

He quickly looked all around him, went up very close to Alyosha, who was standing in front of him, and started whispering to him with an air of great mystery, although there was absolutely no danger of anyone’s overhearing them. The old warden was dozing on a bench in the opposite corner of the room and the sentries outside were much too far away to hear, however loudly he spoke.

“I’ll tell you our secret,” Mitya whispered hurriedly. “I’d have told you later anyway, for how could I decide anything without you? You’re everything to me. And although I believe Ivan is superior to both of us, to me you’re a kind of angel. It will be just the way you decide. Perhaps you’re the superior one and not Ivan, after all. It is, you understand, a matter of conscience, of the deepest moral concern, and that makes the secret too important for me to cope with alone, so I put off deciding until I’d talked it over with you. Still, the decision must await the verdict; as soon as it’s announced, you’ll decide my fate. Now I’ll tell you all about it; listen to me, but don’t decide yet—just stay still and say nothing. I’ll tell you everything—the idea, that is, not the details—and I want you to keep quiet. Don’t ask any questions or make any gestures, all right? But, my God, what can I do about your eyes? I’m afraid your eyes will tell me your decision even if you don’t open your mouth. Oh, I’m so afraid of that!

“Listen to this, Alyosha: Ivan suggests that I 
escape
. I won’t go into the details—everything has been taken care of and it’s sure to work. Be quiet—don’t say anything! I’d go to America and Grusha would come with me. The thing is, I can’t live without her. And if I don’t escape, they won’t let her follow me to Siberia unless we’re married. Do they allow convicts to marry? Ivan says they don’t. And without Grusha, how could I live there, underground, knocking out the ore with a hammer? I’d simply use the hammer to smash my head and that’d be that. But, on the other hand, what about my conscience? For if I ran away, it would be my ordeal that I’d be escaping! I have received the message and to run away would be to ignore it; I have found a road toward salvation, but, instead of taking it, I’d be turning to the left and trying to circle around it. Ivan says that ‘a man of good will’ can be of more use in America than in the Siberian mines. But then, what would become of that hymn to God rising up from underground? And what is America? Isn’t it just another vanity of vanities? Somehow I believe that there is a great deal of corruption in America too. And I’d be the man who had run away from his crucifixion! I’m telling this to you, Alexei, because you’re the only one who can understand it; to everyone else, what I just said about that hymn is stupid nonsense, sheer raving. They’ll say that either I’ve gone off my head or I’m just stupid. But I haven’t gone mad and I’m not really that stupid either. Yes, Ivan too understands about the hymn—he certainly does—but he won’t say what he thinks about it; no, Ivan won’t talk. He doesn’t believe in the hymn. No, no, don’t say anything, Alyosha. I can see from your look that you’ve already decided! No, please don’t decide. Take pity on me. I can’t live without Grusha . . . Wait for the verdict!”

Mitya was frantic; he was holding Alyosha by the shoulders and his inflamed, searching eyes were riveted on his brother’s.

“They don’t allow convicts to marry, do they?” he repeated for the third time in an imploring voice.

Alyosha was visibly shaken. What Mitya had told him had taken him completely by surprise.

“Tell me one thing,” Alyosha said. “Did Ivan insist very much? Whose idea was it in the first place?”

“It was his idea and he insists that I do it. He didn’t come and see me at all until about a week ago and then he started talking about it right away. He’s very determined: he doesn’t suggest—he tells me to do it. And he has no doubt that I’ll do as he says, although I’ve turned my heart inside out before him, just as I have before you, and told him about the hymn. He explained to me how he had planned it all and where he had got the necessary information, but I’ll tell you about all that later. He’s so completely set on it! And he told me about money: he says there’ll be ten thousand to pay for my escape and another twenty thousand to start me off in America. For ten thousand, he says, we could organize a beautiful escape!”

“And he asked you not to say a word of this to me?” Alyosha asked again.

“Not to anybody, but above all not to you. He’s probably afraid that you’ll stand in my way, like my conscience. Please don’t tell him I’ve told you. Oh, please don’t!”

“You’re right,” Alyosha said. “It’s impossible to decide before the verdict is known. And then, you’ll decide for yourself. You’ll find in yourself that new man you told me about, and he’ll decide.”

“That new man, or perhaps a Bernard, who may decide the way Bernard would have! Sometimes I think I’m just another despicable Bernard!”

Mitya grinned bitterly.

“But tell me, Mitya—why do you feel it’s so hopeless to try to convince them of your innocence?”

Mitya’s shoulders jerked upward spasmodically and he shook his head.

“Alyosha, my dear boy, you must go now,” he said suddenly, in great haste. “I just heard the warden’s voice outside in the courtyard and I’m sure he’ll be here in a second. We’re late and it’s against their regulations. Here, quick—give me a hug, and make the sign of the cross over me, that will bless me for my crucifixion tomorrow . . .”

The brothers embraced and kissed.

“But Ivan,” Mitya said, smiling bitterly, “wants me to run away when he himself believes I am the murderer.”

“Have you ever asked him whether he believes that?”

“No, I haven’t. I was about to once, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the strength. But I don’t have to really. I can see it in his eyes. All right, good-by then, Alyosha!”

They quickly embraced again and Alyosha was already at the door when Mitya called him back.

“Here, stand facing me . . . like this.” And again he grasped him firmly by the shoulders.

Mitya’s face had turned so white that Alyosha could see it clearly in the darkness. His mouth was contorted, his eyes fixed on Alyosha’s.

“Alyosha, tell me the truth, as you would before God: do you believe I killed him? I want to know what you really think! Don’t lie to me. Tell me the whole truth!” Mitya shouted insanely.

Alyosha swayed violently. He felt a sharp stab in his heart.

“What are you saying . . . stop it . . .” he mumbled vaguely.

“Don’t lie. I want the truth!” Mitya repeated.

“I’ve never for one second believed that you were the murderer!” Alyosha suddenly heard his own quivering voice as he raised his right hand as though calling on God as a witness.

Mitya’s whole face shone with bliss.

“Thank you,” he drawled out slowly, as if letting out a sigh of relief. “You have given me a new lease on life. You know, I’ve been afraid to ask you that, you of all people, you! All right, go now, go! You’ve given me strength for tomorrow, Alyosha, God bless you! So go now, and love Ivan!”

The two last words gushed from Mitya’s lips by themselves.

Alyosha left in tears. The depth of Mitya’s lack of self-confidence and his uncertainty about everybody had suddenly been revealed to Alyosha and he realized now that he had never before understood his brother’s abysmal unhappiness and despair. An infinite compassion overwhelmed Alyosha and twisted him in pain. His heart was hurting terribly from the stabbing sensation. “Love Ivan,” he heard Mitya’s voice ringing in his ears. Yes, he was on his way to see Ivan. He had been terribly anxious to see Ivan ever since the morning. Ivan worried him as much as Mitya, especially now, after what Mitya had told him.

Chapter 5: Not You, Not You!

ON HIS way to Ivan’s, Alyosha had to pass the house where Katerina had an apartment. He saw light in the windows, stopped, and decided to go in. He had not seen Katerina for more than a week. It occurred to him now that Ivan might very well be there, especially on the eve of the fateful day. He rang the bell below and started to walk up stairs that were dimly lighted by a Chinese lantern. Someone was coming down. When they met on the landing, Alyosha saw it was Ivan. He was obviously coming from Katerina’s.