The Brothers Karamazov (55 page)

I lay thinking such thoughts, with my face buried in the pillow for I don’t know how long. Then my fellow officer, the lieutenant who was to act as my second, came in with the pistols.

“It’s a good thing you’re awake,” he said, “because it’s time for us to leave. Let’s go.”

I became very excited and was not sure what I was doing. Nevertheless we went downstairs but then, as I was about to climb into the carriage, I said to him: “Wait for me a minute. I’ve left my purse behind. I must get it—it won’t take me a second.”

So I rushed back upstairs and straight to Afanasy’s tiny, partitioned-off room. “Afanasy,” I said, “last night I hit you twice in the face. Please forgive me,” I said to him. He started as if frightened and stared at me. I saw then that I had to do more, and the next thing, just as I was, in dress uniform with epaulets and all, I threw myself down at his feet, touching the floor with my forehead. “Please forgive me!” I begged him.

This time he was completely dumbfounded. “Sir . . . Please, sir . . . how can you . . . who am I for you to do that . . . please . . .” And, just as I had done earlier that morning, he covered his face with his hands and started to sob; he turned away from me, facing the window, his whole body shaking with his weeping, while I rushed out of the room, tore downstairs to my second, and jumped into the carriage.

“Drive on!” I shouted. “Have you ever seen a conqueror? No? Well, look here—here’s one!” I was so happy and excited that I never stopped talking as we drove to the meeting place; I cannot even imagine all the things I said then. My comrade-in-arms kept looking at me and saying approvingly: “That’s the spirit. That’s the way to take it. I’m sure you won’t let your regiment down.”

The others were already waiting for us when we arrived. They placed my opponent and me twelve paces apart, and it was he who had the first shot. I stood there, feeling very gay and happy, looking straight into his face, never batting an eye. And it was with love that I looked at him—I am certain of it, for I knew now what to do. He fired and the bullet just grazed my cheek, scratching my ear slightly. “Thank God,” I cried to my adversary, “you haven’t killed a man!” Then I turned my back on him and tossed my pistol far away, shouting: “Begone, I have no further need of you!” I turned back and said to my opponent: “Can you please forgive me, sir, stupid young man that I am, for having offended you deliberately and having forced you to take a shot at me. You are by ten times a better man than I am. Please tell that to the person whose opinion is the most important to you.”

When they heard that, all three of them—he and the two seconds—began to shout at me. My opponent was very indignant at what I had said.

“But if you had no intention of fighting, why did you bother me at all?”

“Yesterday I was stupid,” I told him cheerfully, “but today I’m a bit wiser.”

“I agree with you about yesterday, but I cannot concur with your opinion about today.”

“Very well taken!” I cried, clapping my hands. “I agree with you—I deserve that!”

“Are you or are you not going to fire the shot to which you are entitled, sir?”

“No,” I said, “I am not going to. But you can go ahead and shoot at me again, although I believe it would be better for you if you didn’t.”

The seconds were protesting noisily, especially my second:

“What do you mean by begging your opponent for forgiveness in the middle of a duel! You’re a disgrace to the regiment! If I had suspected anything like this!”

I stood there facing them and now I addressed them all seriously: “Gentlemen,” I said, “is it really so surprising these days to meet a man who can admit he has done something stupid and apologize publicly for the wrong he has done?”

“But you cannot apologize in the course of the duel,” my second shouted at me angrily.

“That’s just it,” I said. “I agree that I really should have apologized as soon as I arrived, before the gentleman fired his shot, so as not to expose him to a mortal sin. But we have things so stupidly twisted in our conventions that it was almost impossible for me to do that: only when I had allowed him to shoot at me from a distance of twelve paces could my word have any weight at all for you, for if I had apologized before that shot, you would have simply dismissed me as a coward and not even listened to me . . .

“Gentlemen!” I cried in a burst of passion, “look around you and see all the things God has given us: look at the clear sky, at the air that is so transparent, at the tender grass and at the birds, at the beauty of immaculate and sinless nature, in which we are the only stupid, godless creatures who do not understand that life is a heaven. As soon as we understand that, we shall have that heaven here in all its beauty and we shall embrace one another and weep with joy . . .”

I wanted to say more but could not go on because I was so moved it took my breath away; everything looked so lovely and enchanting and I was filled with a joy such as I had never before experienced.

“That all sounds quite reasonable and very pious,” my opponent said. “Whatever else, you are certainly a rather original person.”

“You can laugh at me now and I’ll laugh with you, but I’m sure that some day you will approve of what I am doing now.”

“Why,” he said, “I’m prepared to approve of it right now—here’s my hand—because I believe you are really sincere.”

“No,” I said, “it’s too early for that; wait until I make myself into a better person, who deserves your respect, and then you will give me your hand.”

As we drove back, my second kept berating me, while I kept embracing him. That very day, my fellow officers all heard the story and met to discuss what I had done and to decide what to do about it. “He has disgraced the uniform,” some said, “so let him hand in his resignation.” “But he did stand there while his opponent fired at him,” my defenders argued. “Yes, but he was too afraid to expose himself to more shots and begged for mercy under fire.” “If he had been afraid of facing more shots, he would have fired at his opponent when his turn came, instead of tossing his loaded pistol away . . . No, there’s obviously something else to it, something quite original.”

It amused me to watch them and listen to them. “Dear friends and comrades,” I said to them, “please don’t bother to argue over whether I should or should not resign my commission—I have already sent in my resignation, today. As soon as it comes through, I will enter a monastery, since that’s why I want to leave the army.”

They roared with laughter at that, every single one of them.

“Why didn’t you say so from the start? Now it’s all clear; we would certainly never have sat in judgment on a monk . . .” They kept laughing for a long time. They couldn’t stop, but there was nothing sarcastic in their laughter. It was just gay and friendly and, indeed, they all suddenly became very fond of me, even those who had been fiercest in accusing me. For the whole of the following month, while my resignation was being processed, they fussed over me lovingly. “Our monk,” they called me, and each of them would try to say something nice to me; some were even so sorry to see me go that they tried to convince me to cancel my resignation: “Why must he do that to himself?” they said. “He’s brave; we all know that he stood there while his opponent fired at him, and he would have shot him then but for the dream he had had the night before, which made him decide to become a monk. That’s the whole explanation.”

And it was the same with local society. Before the duel, although I had been received warmly in various houses, I had never made any great impression. But now I was in great demand everywhere: people would invite me to visit them, and they would laugh at me, but love me at the same time. I should note here that, although everyone talked openly about the duel, the military authorities declared the whole affair closed, because my opponent happened to be closely related to the General and, since the whole thing had ended bloodlessly and almost like a joke, they treated it as such, especially since I had handed in my resignation.

I spoke my mind fearlessly despite their laughter, for it was kind, not wicked laughter. It was mostly in the evenings, in the presence of the ladies, that I had an opportunity to voice my beliefs, for the women came to like listening to me and made their men listen too.

“But how can you possibly be responsible for everyone?” people would say, laughing at me openly. “How could you be responsible for our acts, for instance?”

“How can you understand,” I told them, “when the whole world has been running on false ideas for so long, when we accept unmitigated lies as truth and demand lies of others. Now that, for the first time in my life, I have acted sincerely, you all look upon me as if I were one of God’s fools and, although you like me, you still laugh at me.”

“How could anybody help liking you?” my hostess said, laughing openly in front of the many guests gathered in her house.

A lady stood up abruptly then, and I recognized the young woman who had been the cause of the duel and whom, so recently, I had almost considered my future bride. I had not seen her arrive. She came over to me and gave me her hand.

“Allow me to assure you,” she said, “that I for one am not laughing at you. In fact, I want to thank you with tears in my eyes and tell you how deeply I respect you for the way you behaved on that occasion.”

Her husband came up to me too and then they all surrounded me, almost hugging and kissing me. I felt elated, but I was particularly struck by a middle-aged gentleman who also came up to me. I knew his name, but I had never really been acquainted with him before and I had never even exchanged a word with him until that evening.

D. The Mysterious Visitor

He had come to that town long before and he occupied a very important position there. He was highly respected, extremely wealthy, and famous for his philanthropy, having donated large sums to the old people’s home and the orphanage. It was to be discovered after his death that he had made many other donations secretly, shunning publicity. He was in his fifties, had an almost stern look about him, and was a man of few words. He had been married then for only ten years; his wife was much younger than he was and they had three young children.

Well, the next day, while I was sitting at home, the door opened and this man walked in.

I should note here that by this time I had moved to another house. I had left my old quarters after handing in my resignation. I now rented a room in the house of a civil servant’s widow, the rent including the services of her own servants. I had moved like this because that same day, when I returned from the duel, I sent my orderly Afanasy back to his company; I was ashamed to look him in the face after the apologies of the morning—an immature young man of the world is often most ashamed of his noblest acts.

“I have listened to you with great interest several times when you have spoken in various houses in town,” the gentleman said to me, “and now I am very anxious to get to know you personally and talk at length with you. You would oblige me very much if you would consent to talk to me.”

“Why, certainly, with the greatest pleasure; I’d consider it a special honor,” I said to him, but as I spoke I felt almost frightened, because I was very impressed by this man. For, although many people had listened to me with interest, no one had ever aproached me looking so stern and intense and, besides, this man had come especially to my house. He sat down.

“I see great will power in you,” he said, “for you were not afraid to do what you considered right in a matter in which you risked making yourself the victim of general contempt.”

“I think you have an exaggerated opinion of me.”

“No,” he said, “it is not exaggerated. Believe me, it’s much harder than you think to do what you did. Actually, that is precisely what amazed me and why I have come here,” he went on. “I would like you to describe to me—that is, if you don’t think my curiosity impertinent—exactly what you felt in that second during the duel when you decided to ask your opponent to forgive you. Can you remember? And please don’t think this is just idle curiosity on my part; on the contrary, in asking you this, I am pursuing a certain secret goal that I will explain to you later if it is God’s design to bring us closer together.”

I looked him straight in the face as he spoke and I felt I could trust him completely. I also felt very curious, for I guessed that there was a secret weighing on him.

“You want to know what I felt as I asked my opponent for forgiveness,” I said, “but allow me first to tell you something I have never told anyone else.” And I went on to tell him about hitting Afanasy and then throwing myself at his feet. “And so,” I concluded, “as I suppose you’ll understand now, it was much easier for me to do what I did during the duel, because I had already started out on a new life before even leaving my house. Indeed, after that, everything was not only easy but even pleasant and exhilarating.”

He looked at me very warmly as I was speaking.

“This is all so fascinating,” he said. “If I may I’ll come back to see you again and again.”

And after that, he came to see me almost every evening. We would have become very close friends if he had spoken to me about himself, but he practically never said a word about his private affairs; he only seemed interested in talking about me. Despite that, I grew very fond of him and confided all my thoughts and feelings to him, for even without knowing his secret I knew that he was a righteous man. Moreover, I was flattered that such a serious man so many years my senior was not too proud to come and talk to a young fellow like me. I learned a lot from him, for he was a highly intelligent person.

“I have been thinking myself, for a long time, about life being heaven,” he told me once. “Indeed, I’ve been thinking of nothing else,” he added quickly. “And you know, I’m even more firmly convinced of it than you are, and one day you’ll find out why.”

As he spoke he looked at me and smiled, and I thought he was about to reveal something to me.

“Heaven is within reach of every one of us, and now it is within my reach too; if I chose I could have it tomorrow, real heaven, for all my life.”