The Bunk Up (The Village People Book 1) (13 page)

Then it’s my mother’s turn.

“I’m Shirley and I’m recently returned from travelling, though my surname isn’t Valentine.”

There’s a polite titter from the other women.

“I’m Daisy’s mother and I’m visiting to make sure she’s alright after her arse of a boyfriend dumped her and she ran away here.”

Fuck me. All eyes now home in on my face, all their faces with fake sympathy and nosy boring-into-me eyes. Gossip. Gossip is here.

“Oh
,
I’m so sorry
,
Daisy,” says Tina
.
“I was wondering what brought you to our village. It’s not like many people come here voluntarily.”

“Yes, well a lady in Chesterfield who owns Haversham House has kindly leant it to my daughter for a couple of weeks while she convalesces,” adds my mother.

Convalesces
? I’m surprised my mother hasn’t gone out to find a wheelchair to push me out of the meeting in.

“Oh
,
Daisy. Had you been together long?” asks Tina.

My mother folds her arms. “Eight years and no sign of a ring.”

There’s a collective gasp.

“Then he cheated on her.”

Another collective gasp. It’s like being in the theatre watching a suspense.

At this point I stare into space and bite my nails while my mother proceeds to roll out my life story and then add how she’s come to make sure I’m okay and not about to off myself.

The play, I mean meeting, applaud my mother on her nurturing skills as she comes to the end of her monologue -I mean gossip.

Josie turns to my mother with newfound respect on her face. “Daisy is lucky to have you. God unfortunately chose not to bless me with any children, but I do my best to provide Harvey, my staffie, with as much love as he desires.”

“They’re not so different, children and pets. Both need love and their shit cleaning up.”

“Erm, quite
,
” says Josie. She consults her notepad. “So that concludes the introductions. Now if we move onto the minutes of the last meeting.

Oh my God, there are minutes?

“So refreshments. Trevor is going to provide those and will work. Tori and Tina, could you assist if it gets busy?”

Tori and Tina nod, though their expressions are murderous as they’re asked to work on the one night where there’s some actual entertainment in the village. Ellie, of course
,
is asked to provide sandwiches and buns and India has a request made to borrow vintage teacups, saucers and any glassware.

“We’ll see if Frazer is willing to DJ for us again if he’s sticking around a while
,
” says Josie. Every single pair of eyes light up; even, I swear, Gertrude’s rheumy ones.

“Daisy lives with Frazer. She can ask him,” says Sam.

The other young women’s eyes narrow on me. I swear the temperature of the room drops as the penny does, that Frazer and I are in the same house.

“You’re living with Frazer?” asks Tina.

“We’re sharing a house as there was a mix up in the tenancy arrangements.”

“So you’re not together?”

“Well.”

“They live together and share a bed, but past that it’s their business,” says my mother.

Can the ground please open up and swallow me now?

“Another Frazer conquest. He’ll chew you up and spit you out, you know? He’s done it to us all,” Tina says, snidely. I’m so getting urine in my wine.

Sam, Tori and India all shake their heads in agreement. Oh God
,
he’s shagged them all.

“We share a bed because there’s only one in the cottage
,
” I tell them. “I have a date with Jimmy.”

“Jimmy?” Sam shouts out rather too loudly. “Lurch?”

“I’d rather you didn’t call my boyfriend Lurch
,
thank you very much. He has a rather impressive six-pack that I’m waiting to get my hands on. He’s my date for this dance and I’m going to make sure I snuggle up close enough to feel his muscles.”

She may have called him Lurch but Sam looks like she’s going to lurch for me.

“Be careful with Jimmy. He’s shy and innocent.”

I shrug my shoulders. “Didn’t seem that way to me when he was at the cottage arranging my sheets.”
They don’t have to know they were dust sheets.

All mouths are now hanging open, though I guess Gertrude’s naturally hangs like that.

“Right, well back to the minutes
,
” says Josie.

***

We get back to the house at half past nine. I’m absolutely knackered and make my excuses to go up to bed while my mother corners Frazer and starts chatting to him about being a DJ at the dance.

I slip on my comfiest pyjamas and I’m reaching for my book when my mobile rings. It’s Kathy. I sigh but press accept.

“Hi
,
Kathy.”

“Hi, love. I left it a couple of days but I wanted to make sure you’d not died of boredom there. Are you okay, or do you want Rex to come fetch you?”

“No
.
I’m actually enjoying it here.”

“Nice and peaceful?”

“Erm.”

“So much in that one tiny syllable
,
Daise. Spill.”

“Well, on my first night here I found out there was another tenant. A male one. Then my mother decided to turn up.”

“Whoa there! Reverse right back to that first bit. There’s already a bloke there? So where have you had to move to?”

“Nowhere. It’s Mrs Haversham’s secret son
,
Frazer. He’s gorgeous and has a large cock.”

“Yeaaaassssss. Please tell me you’ve sat on it.”

“I’ve done lots of things with it.”

There’s the sound of clapping. “Oh
,
Daisy, this is fabulous. So is he nice?”

“He’s okay but we’ve agreed it’s just a bunk-up. Casual sex between friends.”

There’s a long pause.

Then a sigh.

“What’s up? I’m here to get some experience.”

“Daisy, you left a commitment phobic toe-rag and you’re now shagging a commitment-phobic, albeit large-dicked, probable toe-rag.”

“It’s consensual. We’ve agreed we can also date other people, as long as safe-sex is practised. I’ve a date with another guy next week and have already been on one although that didn’t work out so well because he was boring, plus mother descended.”

“Oh yes. Mummy dearest. So how’s having her in the house working out?”

“It isn’t because she insists on sharing the bed with me
,
and so Frazer is having to sleep on the sofa and I’m scared it’s going to lead to an embarrassing faux pas where I attempt to mount my own mother. I need her out of here, but she seems to be embedding herself in village life. She’s already let Frank feel her left boob.”

“Who’s Frank?”

“Never mind.”

“Well
,
you need to get her out of that cottage as soon as possible. Doesn’t she realise she’s getting in the way?”

“This is my mother we’re talking about.”

“Yes, well then get her lined up with a bloke in the village and fast.”

My mind goes over what I’ve seen here so far. “I don’t think she’s going to go for Jerry in the DIY shop unless he agrees to
Fifty Shades
her with the cable ties and I doubt the handyman’s that handy. He hasn’t been to mend our boiler yet. It’s a good job it’s been a warm day and we have a kettle.”

“Well
,
mind that when you say the boiler needs mending he doesn’t try and mend your mother.”

This has us guffawing with laughter.

“Well, the evil pixies have escaped their beds so I’d better go and help Rex gather them up. Promise me something
,
Daisy?”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“Enjoy more than one penis. Remember you’re there for life experience and...”

I hold my breath.

“I dare you to try and get a part in that film.”

“What?”

“Why not? See if you can be an extra or something. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Then when you get near enough to Joe Foster
,
can you pull me a bit of his hair out and send it me in the post?”

“Dear God, are you trying to get me arrested
,
woman?”

“I love him. If you send me his hair I can smell it and imagine he’s with me.”

“You’ve lost your mind. Go and see to the pixies.”

After an hour’s read I start the usual fight with my eyelids that occurs when I’m in the middle of a great book. My lids want to close and I need them to stay open. I pray to them to let me read another line, another word. I realise it’s a losing battle and must be asleep for 0.05 of a second before my mother bursts into the room.

“For God’s sake, Mother. Do you have to be so loud? I was asleep.”

“Oh, sorry
,
darling. Oh well, now you’re awake. Let’s talk about Frazer.”

I prop my head up on the pillow. “Keep your voice down. He’s only a few feet away.”

“I think he’s quite fond of you, you know. He was asking me twenty questions.
Especially
about you and dickhead.”

“You’d better not have told him my business.”

“Well
,
it saves you having to do it. Now you can spend your time on other things, like what you were doing when I got here.”

“
Mother
.”

“Anyway, I realise I’m in the way staying here.”

“Oh, you’re leaving already? Where to this time? The Algarve? Tenerife?”

“No
,
darling. Just above the Horse and Hound. They have a B&B. Frazer told me.” She leans over and pets my head. “I’m not going anywhere until I see my daughter settled.”

She then turns over and is out as if someone has put a chlorophyll
-
filled tissue in her face.

Of course
,
I’m now wide awake, but on the plus side that means I can read more words. Thank goodness I brought my clip-on book light with me. I hope Trevor the landlord is prepared for what’s coming his way tomorrow.

Chapter Sixteen

Frazer

My penis has a problem, or rather an addiction. It wants in Daisy, like ALL THE TIME. I’ve not been able to shag her this morning because her bloody mother is still here. I’ve managed to rub one out and clean myself up and get the kettle on before Daisy and her mother make their way downstairs. Shirley has her suitcase. I might get some action this morning after all. My dick wakes up fast and I have to keep facing the kitchen sink.

Gertrude’s drooling mouth.

Henry’s arse-crack.

Frank’s flatulence.

Hurrah, I can turn around.

“Morning. Drink anyone?” I ask.

“I’ll have a quick cuppa before you help me down to the Horse and Hound, Frazer.”

“What?”

Daisy smirks. Cow.

“Oh, sorry, Frazer. I just assumed. I didn’t expect to have to take such a heavy case all the way down to the pub by myself.” Shirley puts on this little girl lost look which might work were she a young Shirley Temple and not fifty-two.

“Oh, I meant what did you say you wanted to drink again? Of course I’m taking you down to the pub. Wouldn’t dream of you dragging that case there yourself.”

Shirley comes up and squeezes my arm. She might make out like it’s a friendly thing but she’s feeling my muscles. I’m being molested.

“Cup of tea, love. Splash of milk and no sugar, because I’m sweet enough.”

When she’s ready to depart, I whisper to Daisy. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Get ready.”

She winks at me. Dirty cow.

It’s already a roasting hot day and I’m sweating buckets by the time I’ve dragged Shirley’s case down to the Horse and Hound. What the fuck has she got in here? The dead corpse of her toy-boy?

As she meets Trevor she holds out her hand and puts on a posh voice. “So pleased to meet you, Trevor. Thank you for allowing me to stay in your beautiful establishment.”

“So, like I’m sure Frazer here has told you, its forty-five pounds a night. Fifty if you’d like an evening meal in the pub.”

“Oh, Trevor.” She strokes a hand down his cheek. “It’s so vulgar to discuss one’s finances in public. Let’s do it later somewhere a little more intimate. Perhaps you could show me to my room now.”

Trevor, whose ex-wife left him around five years ago, looks petrified and turns to me.