The Cannibals (9 page)

She's also got stuff in there like recipes for her favorite snacks, Weiner Boats with Cheese and Chocolate Haystacks; her thoughts about important issues facing teens today, like sex and drugs and implants; and lots of health and beauty tips. For example: If you've been sobbing, take two used tea bags—

Now my mother's screaming at my brother. How on earth does she expect me to concentrate and do my homework with all this
noise
? This family is driving me insane!

Family is also very important to Little Tina, as is God, who's her best friend, so we have a
lot
in common. In fact, I was just arguing with Campbell about God. I'd called him up to say isn't it great that Little Tina is going to be in our movie, and to try to talk him into taking the part of the basketball captain. Most people would
kill
to have a real part, and here's Campbell acting like, Who cares, so what?

I said, “Can't you see God
wants
you to do it?”

“God wants me to be in a slasher film?” he said.

“It's
not
a slasher film!” I retorted. “It's a comedy!”

“What could be funnier than dead bodies?” he said.

Sometimes I think Campbell just likes to argue. He was really ticking me off, but I concealed it.

“Campbell, this movie is the opportunity of a lifetime!” I said. “Who do you
think
made it happen?”

“You?”

“Well, sort of,” I admitted. “But I couldn't have done it without the Man Upstairs.”

“Your grandpa's on the roof again?”

“That's not funny!” I said. “I won't even
talk
to you if you're going to act like that!”

He sighed. “I'm sorry I'm being so crabby, Tiff. I'm having some trouble with this math.”

One thing I admire about Campbell: Not only is he handsome and a fabulous athlete, but he's also a very serious student. It's amazing, when you think of it, how much we have in common.

“What I was
trying
to say,” I continued, “is that you should feel blessed by this opportunity He's giving you.”

“Mr. Goldman?”

“God!” I said, but suddenly I was filled with dread. “You
do
believe in God, don't you, Campbell?”

“Not really. It seems so unlikely,” he said.

My heart sank. How could I even
think
of marrying a man who doesn't share my faith? What about our children? They
have
to go to Sunday school! I loved Sunday school when I was little. We sang and drew pictures and drank pink punch. Nowadays I can't always make it to church, but I know that wherever I am, God is with me.

“How could there
not
be a God?” I said. “Otherwise, where did everything come from? The world and all the birds and stuff?”

“That's a long story, Tiff,” he said. “And I've really got to get this homework done.”

“Let me ask you one question,” I said. “When you have a basketball game, don't you pray to God to help you win?”

“No.”

“You
don't
?” I said. “Why not?”

“I'm sure God has more important things to do,” he said. “Like wiping out child abuse and famine, for example.”

“That's just the point!” I said. “He can do it all! He's
everywhere
, like Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.”

There was a slight pause. I could hear Campbell breathing.

He said, “You don't believe in Santa, do you, Tiff?”

“That's it,” I said. “End of conversation. But I really feel sorry for you, Campbell, I really do. You must be so empty inside.”

I hung up the phone and said a quick prayer for Campbell. Then I remembered I should pray for Wally, too. It turns out that he never went back to his school! He's been spotted running around in the jungle, with paint on his face and his hair all crazy, wearing a
loincloth
and his
Cannibals
sweatshirt!

According to his dad, Wally's joined some native tribe and may even have taken a native
wife
! What on earth can Wally be thinking? He's
way
too immature to get married. And you'd think he'd at
least
have the decency to tell me! We haven't even officially broken up!

I blame myself—and Shelby—for this. We should never have told him about Campbell.

When Wally's dad told me the news, I said that I would be willing to go on worldwide television and
plead
with Wally to listen to reason and act normal and return to his school.

I'd tell Wally that I know what it's like to feel hopeless, and like you don't have the strength to carry on, but that every cloud has a silver lining, and it's always darkest before the storm.

Wally's dad said that was a very nice offer, but there was one tiny problem: There's no television reception in the jungle.

Poor Wally. What a
nightmare
this must be for him. He loves to watch TV.

I noticed that on the cover of Little Tina's book, there are the words “As Told To” and somebody's name in tiny little letters you can barely read. I was thinking of asking Miss Jones to help me turn this video journal into a book, but then we'd have to split the profits, and besides, she never takes me seriously. When I told her my plan to turn this into a best-seller, she said, “That's very interesting, Tiff. But shouldn't you be working on your essay?” She'd made lots of little red marks on the pages so I could make improvements when I rewrote it.

Like I've got the time! Besides, I want my writing to sound fresh and real, like this journal. Just me, talking. They could call it
Talking With Tiff
. Or
Tiffany Talks
. And put on the cover: “In Her Own Words,” with a really nice picture of me, and more inside. And the book will be full of my thoughts and feelings and be a real inspiration to all the teens who feel like “befores” in a world of makeovers.

So maybe I should say something about my health and beauty regime.

No matter how beautiful you already are,
nothing
is more important than the glow of good health.
Do:
Eat plenty of vegetables and fruit and protein. Take a daily multi-vitamin with minerals. Get plenty of sleep. And drink at least eight glasses of water a day. I know, that's a lot! Sometimes I feel like I'm floating away!

Don't
, and I mean
don't
, drink alcohol. Think about it: That stuff literally poisons your brain!

Do not smoke cigarettes
. This can't be emphasized enough. Smoking stinks up your breath, makes your face gray and wrinkly, and causes serious health problems too numerous to mention. In all honesty, I can truthfully say that I'd rather have a live
frog
in my mouth than a lit Camel.

Do
not
get a tan. Too much sun not only can cause cancer, but it also makes people's skin look like beef jerky.

Do not, under any circumstances, take illegal drugs of any kind:
uppers, downers, pot, the works. They screw up your brain and
ruin
your body. It's like trying to run your car on Coke—the kind you drink—instead of gasoline. Your body is a temple; why treat it like a motel? Remember: Your body is where you'll be living for the rest of your life!

Last, but never least,
Get plenty of exercise
. Not only will you look great, you'll feel great, too. Every day before school I: s-t-r-e-t-c-h (keep those muscles limber!), do five hundred jumping jacks, lift weights for upper body strength, and practice my cartwheels and splits, et cetera. Not to mention all the exercise I get leading cheers.

It's funny, in a way, how some people see cheerleaders, like we're just a bunch of jockette bubble-heads. All of The Girls and I are on the Principal's Honor Roll (I might be slipping a tiny bit lately) and will be going on to college. This prejudice is even worse if you're a natural blonde like me, or even an unnatural blonde like Shelby.

Which reminds me: I have
got
to get her more motivated. Lately, she just stands there during games like, “Yay, so what.” Does she want to be a cheerleader or not? Ashley yells her little heart out and Barbie and Kendall give it everything they've got. Which, unfortunately, is not quite enough. Don't get me wrong, they're great girls, but we're not talking personality plus. And I always get the name wrong when I give them helpful hints, like, “Barbie, go all the way down on your splits.”

“I'm not Barbie, I'm Kendall.”

It's irritating.

But what makes our cheerleading squad so successful is that we put aside all our little differences and work together as a team. For example, when that fight broke out yesterday after Donny fumbled the ball on the twenty-yard line, The Girls and I started singing the National Anthem. Almost everybody stopped what they were doing and joined us, which gave the refs a chance to drag the nitwits off the field. It's amazing how immature people can be. You just want to say, “Come on, you guys! Will you
please
try to act like adults?”

Too bad some people think winning is so important. We won! Fourteen to seven!

Chapter Twelve

I can't believe I'm saying this and I never thought I would, but Little Tina is
not
a very nice person.

We were all so excited before she showed up on the set today to have publicity pictures taken. Everybody, except Campbell, was waiting outside the gym, including
hundreds
of junior high school kids waving Little Tina Fan Club signs.

The tech crew made everybody stand behind barricades so they couldn't get too close, except for Jason Wittington, who plays her boyfriend in the movie, and The Girls and I, who play her gang.

For the record, I would like to state that Campbell is every bit as good-looking as Jason, whose skin, in real life, is not too great. Why Campbell refused to play the basketball captain, Jason's best friend in the movie, I'll
never
understand.

Then the longest limousine I've ever seen pulled up and people started screaming and flipping out.

“Here she is!” Mr. Goldman shouted, and he ran over and opened the door—and this
tiny little person
got out. I mean, I always knew Little Tina was small, but she's practically—I hate to say it—a
dwarf
. She looks so much
bigger
on TV!

She was wearing a cheerleading outfit just like ours and carrying red-and-black pompoms. But I couldn't
believe
it: She was smoking a cigarette! In her book, it says she
never
smokes!

Then a bunch of fans ran over and tried to touch her and somehow knocked the cigarette out of her mouth, and one of the pompoms caught on fire.

Principal Brown rushed over and stomped it out and told Little Tina that Hiram Johnson High is a tobacco-free zone.

“What makes you think it's tobacco?” she snapped.

So things weren't off to a very smooth start. I agree that smoking is a very bad habit, but the
least
Principal Brown could've done was to welcome her to our campus. For heaven's sake, she's a
star
, not a student! It's not like he can put her in detention!

Unfortunately, the incident seemed to affect Little Tina's mood, and she wouldn't even
look
at me and The Girls when Ms. Stuart introduced us.

Then she asked, “Which one is Jaycee?” which is the name of my character, the leader of the cheerleader gang. When Mr. Goldman pointed me out, she got this expression on her face, like I was a plate of
dog
food or something, and said, “No, her look isn't right.”

Excuse me, please? My
look
isn't right? This was clearly a case of professional jealousy because, in all modesty, I'm
just
as beautiful as Little Tina, and at
least
six inches taller.

To my horror, Mr. Goldman seemed to agree with Little Tina and started saying maybe Jaycee should be played by one of the other Girls, possibly Shelby! I thought for sure The Girls would say no, it's got to be Tiffany. But it turned out that they
all
wanted the part, except for Ashley, who hates it when we argue, and got an instant migraine.

Luckily, Ms. Stuart took my side and explained that Shelby was a little too porky—she put it more nicely—to play Jaycee, and the decision had been made and it was
final
. If Little Tina didn't like it, Ms. Stuart said, she could talk to her agent. In the meantime, could we
please
get the damn pictures taken?

But there's one thing I've got to say for Little Tina: She is a true professional. She put aside her differences, wrapped her arms around us, and posed for all those pictures with a big smile on her face.

It's just kind of disillusioning. Little Tina seems so
nice
on TV! On her talk show she always gets tears in her eyes when somebody tells her a sad story.

I know that a big star like her is under a lot of pressure, and the microscope of constant public scrutiny. But if it weren't for us fans, she wouldn't be
anybody
. When
I'm
famous, I'll never be one of those stars who refuses to give autographs and complains that they can't get any privacy. Come on, people! It's called
show
business, not
no
-show business. If you want privacy, drive a cab or be a teacher!

Speaking of teachers, while all of this was going on, my mother and a bunch of other teachers were
picketing
in front of the school, carrying signs that said, “M
AKE
G
RADES
, N
OT
M
OVIES
,” “E
DUCATION
, N
OT
E
NTERTAINMENT
,” and “S
TUDENT
B
ODIES
, N
OT
D
EAD
B
ODIES
.”

It was really embarrassing.