The Caregiver (21 page)

“You can say that. But has anything really improved with you?” she asked bitterly. “You are still hurting. You’re still afraid to move forward.”

Lucy pushed down her hurt. Mattie was not being herself. She wasn’t meaning to be so cruel.

“I’ve found peace,” Lucy said finally. “I’ve found strength. Both come from the knowledge that the Lord has been by my side, guiding me.”

After a moment, Mattie spoke: “I think He left me.”

Lucy was confused. “Who, dear? Who left you?”

“God.”

“Oh, Mattie! Don’t say that. God would never leave you.”

“I can’t help it. It’s how I feel. I feel that if He loved me like we were taught that He does, He wouldn’t be making me suffer so.”

“Stop that talk.”

Mattie blinked, then smiled weakly. “What happened to your patience? What happened to the best caregiver I’ve ever had? Where’s the woman who has been so angelic? Who’s been praying and working and smiling . . . who’s been constantly saying the right thing?”

“My cousin has used up my supply of patience,” Lucy snapped.

Meeting her gaze, the spark in Mattie’s dark brown eyes faded again. “Then we’re both in a world of hurt,” she said, her voice flat.

Scooting closer, she slid a hand along Mattie’s soft quilt and gripped her hand. “Listen. You must get better. And you must believe that you can.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s your job.”

“Lucy—”

Desperate times called for desperate words. “Mattie, if I can survive two years with Paul, you can certainly survive this.”

Her cousin’s eyes widened. “I can’t believe you said that. I’ve never heard you speak of your life with Paul as ‘surviving.’ ”

“Maybe you never needed to hear those words before. But I promise you that’s how I feel. Living is sometimes easy, Mattie. But surviving . . . surviving is the difficult thing. And that is what makes you grow and become strong.” Leaning close, she murmured, “Don’t you dare give up.”

“But, Lucy—”

Lucy shook her head. “Don’t say it. You need to find the strength and start fighting. Be a survivor, Mattie,” she urged. “Be a survivor, not a victim.” Minutes passed as they stared at each other in silence so sharp and tense it felt like a tangible thing.

Then finally . . . finally Mattie nodded. “All right.”

Lucy sighed in relief. “Thank the good Lord.”

After a bit, Mattie clutched her hand. “Hey, Luce?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Is there any way you can stay here longer?”

Lucy shook her head with regret. As much as she wanted to be there for her cousin, she knew it was time to go home. “I’m afraid not. I promised my
mamm
that I’d come home and help with the little ones. She’s counting on me. I can’t let her down.”

“No, you can’t.” Her lip trembled. With effort, Mattie controlled herself. “I suppose we’re all counting on you, Lucy. You must be careful, or we’ll all take and take . . . until you have nothing left.”

“That won’t ever happen. God is with me, and He will help me. Just as He will help you, if you open your heart again.”

For one split second, Mattie met her gaze, and all the love that they held for each other passed between them. For one split second, Lucy felt as if they were as close as they ever were.

As close as they’d be, if they were truly sisters.

But then Mattie looked away and closed her eyes. “I’m so, so tired.”

“You should try to sleep.”

“I don’t want to sleep until you leave.”

As if on cue, Jenna poked her head into the room. “Lucy, John Weaver is here. It’s time for you to go.”

Gently, Lucy pulled her hand away from Mattie’s and reluctantly got to her feet. “All right. I’ll be right out.”

Turning to Mattie, she whispered, “I will be writing you and checking up on you, too. And I will be praying for you as well. Enough for the two of us.”

Though Mattie said nothing, she swallowed hard.

“Mattie, do you understand?”

“I do,” she finally replied. “But there’s no need.”

“You did it for me,” Lucy coaxed. “You prayed for me when I needed it. When I needed the prayers but had no strength, you prayed enough for two. Now it’s my turn. I will pray for you and me, Mattie. And I will keep praying, as long as it takes. I promise you this.”

Quickly, before she burst into tears, she bent down and kissed Mattie’s brow. Then, after brief hugs to her aunt and uncle, she ran out the door and to John, who was loading her bag in the back of his truck.

“Hi, Lucy,” John said gently. “You ready to get back to your own home?”

“Oh, yes,” she murmured, doing her best to sound cheerful.

But inside she was wondering what in the world she was going to do. She’d done her best. Everything she possibly could. But the reality was that she’d tried her best and failed.

In many ways, she’d failed as a caregiver. And that knowledge almost broke her heart.

Chapter 27

I
t was storming. As water spattered against the window next to her seat, Lucy leaned back against the cushion and watched the thick drops fall. Somehow it seemed fitting that the rain had come again, she supposed. She’d come full circle.

For almost the whole month she’d been in Jacob’s Crossing, nary a drop had fallen. It had been so dry that many of the farmers said the unusual weather might have damaged their crops.

She, on the other hand, had enjoyed every single moment of the bright sunshine. The warm rays heating her face gave her hope, reminding her that with patience, all things come when they are supposed to. Now that Mattie’s weeks of chemotherapy were almost over, Lucy hoped with all her heart that she would soon recover completely. Perhaps if her body grew more healthy and strong, Mattie’s spirit would improve, too. Nothing would make Lucy happier than to see her cousin become more like her old self.

But until then, she would keep praying for Mattie. Pray for her healing and for her heart and soul. She would pray enough for two.

She was going to pray for herself, too. Right then and there, she vowed that she would pray more and write a little less in her journal. While putting all her emotions on paper had helped, seeking guidance and God’s love would help even more.

And hopefully, before too long, the Lord would help her figure out her future with Calvin.

Calvin
.

She’d fought with him, and fought her own tumultuous feelings about love and marriage and relationships again and again. Little by little, she’d opened her heart to him. Lucy still was amazed that she’d told him so many of her darkest worries and secrets. Before Calvin, she’d planned to keep it all deep inside of herself. She’d been so sure that if she shared everything in her past, she would frighten another person away.

But instead of being frightened, Calvin had acted like she’d given him a challenge instead. Time and again he’d met her challenges. And had made her challenge herself, too.

Such as when he’d lost his temper and she’d pushed him away before he’d had a chance to explain himself. And when she’d realized that even if Calvin wasn’t perfect, he’d never be like Paul.

No, Calvin would never be the type of man who enjoyed hurting women.

As rain continued to splatter against the pane, and the other train passengers continued to board, Lucy looked at all of them, sometimes nodding in recognition of their inquisitive stares or hesitant smiles.

Sometimes smiling right back.

Oh, my, but what a difference a month had made! Her journey east had been filled with doubts and worries. The whole time, she’d been afraid and insecure. Doubting herself. Doubting her ability to make a difference with Mattie.

She’d been so worried about the rain, and about the weather, and about the lights turning off and on. And, then, of course, God had handed over her worst fears and had forced her to confront them.

And, just like always, she had found He had given her the tools not only to survive but to come through stronger than before.

As drops of rain beaded on the window, then dripped down the glass, Lucy shook her head in wonder. When was she ever going to learn that she was stronger than she thought? When was she ever going to remember that with God, all things are possible?

Even in her darkest hours?

“Excuse me, it looks like I’m your seat mate.”

The voice was warm and masculine. Her heart lurched as she looked up, half expecting to see the man who’d occupied all her dreams.

But it wasn’t Calvin, of course.

Now that he had her attention, the
Englischer
spoke again. “Hi. You, uh, might want to watch your dress. I’m afraid every part of me is soaking wet.” He rolled his eyes as the faint flush of happiness colored his cheeks. “My girlfriend was reluctant to let me go.”

His awkwardness was charming. And it was enough to shake off the cobwebs and make room for him. “Oh. Yes. Of course. Here, let me move over a bit.” She shifted about a little, taking care to keep her skirts neatly folded around her as the man, who was about her age, sat down.

“Thanks.” He smiled. “So, where are you off to?”

“I’m going home. To Michigan.”

“I’m headed to Chicago.” He grinned. “I guess we’ll be sitting near each other for hours.”

She held up the book in her lap. “I bought a book for the trip.”

“I wasn’t nearly that organized. But I’m planning to sleep, anyway. I’m exhausted. Wake me up if I start snoring, would you?”

“Of course,” she murmured.

As the train pulled out and the lights dimmed, Lucy settled herself again. Next to her, the man sprawled out and promptly fell asleep.

As a hint of a snore escaped his lips, Lucy couldn’t resist smiling. He certainly hadn’t been kidding about falling asleep. But though he was indeed snoring, she wouldn’t wake him up. He was lucky to be able to sleep so easily.

Which, again, brought her mind back to the earlier trip.

No matter how hard she’d tried, she certainly hadn’t been able to sleep when Calvin had been near! No, she’d been too aware of him. And by the topsy-turvy mixture of emotions he provoked. All just by sitting down by her side.

Lucy folded her hands neatly in her lap and attempted to think of something to do. But the hour was late, and neither reading nor crochet held any appeal. So she closed her eyes and daydreamed, remembered how warm the sun had felt on her face. Finally, she dozed.

And the dreams came again.

She was walking on a windy dirt path. Golden honeysuckle surrounded her, making the air fragrant. Making the path beautiful.

“Lucy!” a man called out to her. Startling her.

She began to run.

The voice came again. “Lucy! Lucy, stop!”

He was coming closer. She picked up her pace. Her chest burned as she gasped for air, pulled oxygen into her lungs. Dirt turned to dust, flying in the air, clouding her path.

Panic gripped her hard. Just as a hand reached out and grabbed her elbow. With a jerk, she turned her head. Steeled herself to see him.

But all she heard was a whistle.

Lucy gasped, filling her lungs with air—prepared to cry out . . . and then she heard the train whistle blow again.

“Toledo!” a voice rang out. Two people stood up and walked down the aisle.

To her surprise, the
Englischer
who’d been by her side was nowhere to be found. Because the overhead lights were on, Lucy looked around with interest. Another person left. Two others took vacant seats.

“I’m sorry, is this seat taken?”

She looked up in surprise. “Yes, it’s—”

“Me,” Calvin Weaver said.

“You!”
She scrambled to her feet and reached for his hand. “Calvin? Whatever are you doing here?” To her pleasure, his fingers curved around hers instantly.

“Riding on the train. So, Lucy, is this seat taken?”

“I think so. By a man going to Chicago.” Craning her neck, she saw no sign of him. “I’m not sure where he is, though.”

“No worries. I’ll put my things in this seat here.” After he set down that orange backpack that she’d recognize anywhere, he scanned the aisles. Lucy watched as most of the people in the seats stared at him.

Abruptly, he turned to her. “You know what? Why don’t we go somewhere else? Would you like to take a walk with me? This train has a viewing car.”

At the moment, she felt like she’d follow him anywhere. “Sure,” she sputtered.

As the whistle blew and the train pulled forward out of the Toledo station, Calvin reached for her hand. Lucy held on tightly as she followed him down the rocking aisle and through the narrow passage that connected the train cars.

When they were in the viewing car, Calvin led her to a spot on the far left, where no one else was. She settled herself next to him, breathed in his scent, and finally asked the question that had been burning inside her. “Why are you here?”

“Because I couldn’t stay away.”

He sounded so sure. So confident. So like himself! Her heart started beating faster as she tried to think of the right response.

“Lucy, I know it’s hardly been a day, but I missed you terribly. The moment you left, I realized I had been wrong to let you go.” Taking one of her hands, he smiled gently. “Lucy, do you remember our last conversation?”

She nodded.

He continued. “We said some terribly important things. Things that matter to us. That mattered to me, deeply.”

“They mattered to me, too,” she sputtered. Of course she remembered.

“But as soon as you left, I realized that though we said many important things, I had neglected to tell you the most important thing of all.” He reached for her hand. “I forgot to tell you that I love you.”

Her insides melted at his words—and how could they not? Calvin’s words were every dream she’d hoped would come true.

But it felt so sudden. After all, they’d known each other only a month. And for much of that time, they’d been struggling with secrets.

“This is crazy!” she said with a laugh. “Calvin, we promised to write—”

“I didn’t want to wait that long. The fact is, once I knew how I felt—without a doubt—I ran to catch this train.”

“This train?” she clarified. When he nodded, she blurted, “Calvin Weaver, you’ve been on this train with me the whole time?”

“I have.”

“Why didn’t you find me earlier?”

“Because I’ve been trying to find the courage to face you.”

Calvin Weaver, the most confident man she’d ever met, had been nervous about seeing her? “I can’t imagine that.”

“Oh, imagine it, Lucy,” he said drily. “I’ve been sitting in my seat, trying to come up with the right words to tell you how I feel. But none of them worked. None of them were good enough. None were perfect.”

“But I don’t need perfect words.”

He smiled. “I’m glad, because even after practicing for an hour, I still don’t have them.” With care, he took her other hand and linked their fingers. Rubbed one thumb over the fine bones of her hand. Carefully, she realized. As if he would never wish to do her harm.

“Lucy, all I do know is that you’ve become so special to me. I want you in my life, by my side.”

Wordlessly, she stared back at him. The words he was saying were so special, shattering all her memories of Paul. Taking a deep breath, he spoke again. “Lucy, I want to marry you. I want you to come live with me in Jacob’s Crossing.”

Her chest felt so tight, Lucy felt as if all the air had been pushed out of her.

Mistaking her silence for confusion, a shadow of worry entered his eyes. His speech quickened. “I know you’ve been hurt in the past. And though I’ve said this before, I’ll say it as many times as you need to hear it. Lucy, I will never lay a hand on you. I never want to make you cry. I promise. My only goal will be to make you happy.”

Sitting there, their hands linked, her heart beating so loudly she felt the world could hear it, Lucy believed him. Now she trusted him. Trusted him enough to realize he would only care for her. That he wanted to be her partner, not her superior. “Calvin, I know you will make me happy,” she said simply. Because, really, nothing else seemed to matter. She trusted Calvin like she’d never trusted anyone else in her life. And she longed to be with him, like she’d never wanted another man before.

Again, his expression filled with doubt. And resolve. “Lucy, if you’ll give us a chance, I’ll follow your lead. We can take things as slow as you want. We can be engaged for as long as you’d like. For as long as it will take for you to trust me. To trust us. I mean . . . that is . . . if you decide you want me, too.”

Lucy smiled. “I do, Calvin Weaver.”

“You do . . . what? You do want me . . . ?”

“I do want to marry you,” she said, feeling so sure. So happy—perhaps feeling the happiest she’d ever felt in her life. God had just given her a gift. A gift of love and a happy future. She felt His approval. And His love for her . . . and for Calvin. “Calvin, I do not need a long time to know that my heart will be safe with you.”

The pure joy that lit his eyes made her smile. “You’ve made me terribly happy.”

“I feel the same way.” As they stared at each other, there in the near-empty train car, Lucy couldn’t help but feel giddy. Words could never convey what she was feeling.

But perhaps they didn’t need to?

“Are you sure you won’t mind leaving Michigan?” Calvin asked.

“I wouldn’t mind at all. I want to start over,” she said. “I want to start over someplace where I only have happy memories, where the two of us can plan a future together. I can’t think of a better place to do that than in Jacob’s Crossing.”

Calvin squeezed her hands. Exhaled. Almost looked content.

Almost. His gaze drifted to her lips. Almost as swiftly, he looked away. Suddenly shy.