The Cement Garden (13 page)

‘No they don’t,’ he said reasonably. ‘Not always they don’t,’ and let himself be carried out of the room.

I could not resist watching them together. I trailed after them, fascinated, waiting to see what would happen. Julie seemed to enjoy an audience and she made jokes about it.

‘You look so serious,’ she said once, ‘like you were watching a funeral.’ Tom of course wanted Julie all to himself. The second evening I followed them up the stairs again at bedtime and leaned in the doorway while Julie undressed Tom, who had his back to me. Julie smiled at me and asked me to bring Tom’s pyjamas. Tom turned in the cot and shouted, ‘Go away! You go away!’Julie laughed and ruffled his hair and said, ‘What am I going to do with the two of you?’ But I stepped backwards out of her room and leaned against the wall in the corridor and listened while Julie read a story. When she came out at last she was not surprised to see me there. We went into my room and sat on the bed. We did not turn the light on. I cleared my throat and said perhaps it was bad for Tom to go on pretending to be a baby.

‘Perhaps he won’t be able to come out of it,’ I said.

Julie did not reply at first. I could just make out that she was smiling at me. She put her hand on my knee and said, ‘I think someone is jealous.’ We laughed and I lay-back on the bed. Daringly I touched the small of her back with the ends of my fingers. She shivered and increased the pressure on my knee.

Then Julie had said, ‘Do you think a lot about Mum?’

I whispered, ‘Yes, do you?’

‘Of course.’ There seemed nothing more to say, but I wanted us to go on talking.

‘Do you think what we did was right?’ Julie took her hand from my knee. She was silent for such a long time I thought she had forgotten my question. I touched her back again and immediately she said, ‘It seemed obvious then, but I don’t know now. Perhaps we shouldn’t have.’

‘We can’t do anything about it now,’ I said and waited for her to disagree. I also waited for her hand to return to my knee. I ran my forefinger the length of her spine and wondered what had changed between us. Had my taking baths made such a difference to her? Finally she said, ‘No, I suppose not,’ and folded her arms with a finality that suggested she was offended. One moment she was in charge, the next she was silent, waiting to be attacked.

I said impatiently, ‘You let Derek into the cellar.’ Now everything was changed between us. Julie crossed the room, turned on the light and stood by the door. She tossed her head irritably to clear a strand of hair from her face. I sat right on the edge of the bed and put my hand on my knee where hers had been.

‘Is that what he told you when you were playing … billiards?’

‘I only watched.’

‘He found the key and went down there to look around,’ Julie said.

‘You should have stopped him.’ She shook her head. It was unusual for her to plead and her voice was unfamiliar. ‘He just took the key. There is nothing to see down there.’

I said, ‘You got really angry about it and now he wants to know why.’ For once I was getting the better of Julie in an argument. I started to beat out a rhythm with my hands on my knees and briefly caught the sweet, rotten smell.

Suddenly Julie said, ‘You know, I haven’t slept with him or anything like that.’ I went on drumming and did not look up. Then, exultant, I stopped and said, ‘So what?’ But Julie had left the room.

Leaning across the table I caught hold of Tom’s bib and pulled him towards me. He gave out a little whimper and then a scream. Julie broke off her conversation and tried to prize my fingers loose. Sue stood up.

‘What are you doing?’ Julie shouted. ‘Let go of him.’ I had pulled Tom a good way along the table when I let go and he fell back into Julie’s arms.

‘I was going to wipe his mouth for him,’ I said, ‘seeing you were so busy talking.’ Tom hid his face in Julie’s lap and began to cry, a good imitation of a baby’s wail.

‘Why can’t you leave people alone?’ Sue said. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

I wandered out into the garden. The rain was stopping. The tower blocks were ugly with fresh stains but the weeds on the land beyond our garden already looked greener. I walked around the garden the way Father had always wanted everyone to go, along the tiny paths, down the steps to the pond. It was hard to find the steps under the weeds and thistles and the pond was a curling piece of dirty blue plastic. A little rain water had collected in the bottom. As I walked round the pond I felt something soft collapse under my foot. I had trodden on a frog. It lay on its side with one long back leg stuck in the air quivering in little circles. A creamy green substance was spilling out of its stomach and the sac under its chin blew in and out very rapidly. With one bulging eye it stared up at me in a sorrowful, unaccusing kind of way. I knelt down beside it and picked up a large flat stone. Now it seemed to look at me expecting help. I waited, hoping it would recover or die suddenly. But the air sac was filling and emptying faster and it was attempting hopelessly to use its other back leg to right itself. Its small front legs made swimming movements in the air. The yellowish eye stared into mine.

‘That’s enough,’ I said out loud and brought the flat stone down sharply on the small green head. When I lifted the stone the frog’s body stuck to it and then dropped to the ground. I began to cry. I found another stone and dug a short deep trench. As I pushed it in with a stick I saw its front legs tremble. I covered it quickly with earth and stamped the grave flat.

I heard footsteps behind me and Derek’s voice.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ He stood with his legs well apart and slung over his shoulder was a white raincoat which he held hooked with one finger.

‘Nothing,’ I said. Derek came closer.

‘What have you got in the ground?’

‘Nothing.’ With the wedged-shaped tip of his polished boot Derek prodded the earth.

‘It’s a dead frog I just buried,’ I said. But Derek kept on digging till he turned over the frog’s body, all caked in dirt.

‘Look,’ he said, ‘it’s not dead at all.’ He sank and twisted his heel into my frog and covered it with earth again. He did all this with one foot and without taking the raincoat from his shoulder. He smelled of perfume, some kind of after-shave or cologne. I walked further up the garden towards the little path that wound round the rockery. Derek followed right behind me and we spiralled up, passing each other in tight little circles like children in a game.

‘Julie’s in, is she?’ he said. I told him she was putting Tom to bed, and then, when we were balancing very close to each other at the top, I said, ‘He sleeps in her bedroom now.’ Derek nodded quickly as if he already knew, and touched his tie knot.

We stared at our house. We were so close that when he spoke I smelt peppermint on his breath.

‘He’s an odd one your little brother, isn’t he? I mean, putting on girls’ dresses …’ He smiled at me and seemed to expect me to smile too. But I folded my arms and said, ‘What’s odd about that?’ Derek climbed off the rockery using the paths as steps and when he got to the bottom he spent some time folding his raincoat over his arm. He coughed and said, ‘It could affect him in later life you know.’ I climbed off the rockery too and we walked towards the house.

‘What do you mean by that?’ I asked him. We were standing outside the kitchen door. Derek stared through the window and did not reply. The door to the living room was open and we could see Sue sitting alone reading a magazine.

Suddenly Derek said, ‘When did your parents die exactly?’

‘Long time ago,’ I muttered and pushed open the kitchen door. Derek caught hold of my arm.

‘Wait,’ he said. ‘Julie told me it was recently.’ Sue called out my name from the living room. I pulled my arm free and went indoors. Derek whispered after me to come back and then I heard him wiping his feet carefully before stepping into the kitchen.

As soon as Derek came into the room Sue dropped her magazine and ran into the kitchen to make him a cup of tea. She treated him like a film star. He walked about with his coat folded in a neat square looking for a place to put it down and Sue watched him from the doorway like a frightened rabbit. I sat down and looked at Sue’s magazine. Derek set his coat down on the floor by a chair and sat down too.

Sue said from the kitchen, ‘Julie’s upstairs with Tom.’ Her voice was all shaky.

‘I’ll wait down here then,’ Derek called out. He crossed his legs and plucked at his shirt cuffs so they protruded the right distance from under his suit. I turned the pages of the magazine without taking anything in. When Derek took the cup of tea from Sue he said, ‘Thank you, Susan,’ in a funny voice and she giggled and sat down as far away from him as possible. It was while he was stirring his tea that he looked straight across at me and said, ‘There’s a funny smell in here. Have you noticed it?’ I shook my head but I could feel myself blushing. Derek watched me and sipped. He lifted his head and sniffed loudly. ‘It’s not a strong smell,’ he said, ‘but it’s very odd.’ Sue stood up and began to talk rapidly.

‘It’s the drain outside the kitchen. It gets blocked very easily and in the summer … you know …’ Then, after a pause she said again, ‘It’s the drain.’

Derek nodded while she was talking and looked at me. Sue went back to her chair and for a long time after that no one spoke.

None of us heard Julie come in the room and when she spoke Derek gave a start.

‘All very quiet,’ she said softly. Derek stood up straight like a soldier and said very politely, ‘Good evening, Julie.’ Sue giggled. Julie was wearing her velvet skirt and had tied her hair back with a white ribbon. Derek said, ‘We were talking about the drains,’ and with a stiff little movement of his hand tried to direct Julie into his chair. But she came and settled herself on the arm of mine.

‘Drains?’ she said as if to herself, but did not seem to want to know more.

‘And how have you been?’ Derek said. Sue giggled again and we all turned to look at her. Julie pointed at Derek’s coat.

‘Why don’t you hang it up before someone treads on it?’

Derek lifted his coat on to his lap and stroked it.

‘Nice pussy,’ he said, and no one laughed. Sue asked Julie if Tom. was asleep.

‘Out like a light,’ Julie said. Derek took out his watch and looked at it. We all knew what he was going to say. ‘A bit early isn’t it? For Tom?’ This time Sue had a fit of giggling. She clasped her hands over her face and hobbled into the kitchen. We heard her open the door and go outside into the garden. Julie was very cool.

‘In fact,’ she said, ‘it’s a bit later than usual, isn’t it, Jack?’ I nodded, although I had no idea what time it was.

Julie ruffled my hair.

‘Haven’t you noticed a difference in him?’ she said to Derek.

‘Cleaner and smarter,’ he said instantly. He said to me, ‘Pulling the ladies now are you?’ Julie rested her hand on my head.

‘Oh no,’ she said, ‘we’re having none of that round here.’

Derek laughed and took out his cigarettes. When he offered one to Julie she refused. I kept very still because I did not want her to move her hand. At the same time I sensed I looked foolish to Derek. He settled back in his chair and smoked his cigarette, watching us all the time. We heard Sue open the back door, but she remained in the kitchen. Suddenly Derek smiled and I wondered whether, behind me, Julie was smiling too. They stood up at the same time without speaking. Before she took her hand off my head, Julie gave it a little pat.

As soon as they were upstairs Sue returned and sat on the edge of Derek’s chair. She laughed nervously and said, ‘I know what that smell is.’

‘It isn’t me.’ She led me into the kitchen and unlocked the cellar door. It was of course the same smell, I knew that at once, but it was changed by being intensified. Now it was separate from me. There was something sweet, and beyond that, or wrapped around it, another bigger, softer smell that was like a fat finger pushing into the back of my throat. It rolled up the concrete steps out of the darkness. I breathed through my mouth.

‘Go on,’ Sue said, ‘go down. You know what it is,’ and she turned on the light and pushed me in the small of my back.

‘Only if you come too,’ I said. There was a rustling sound from somewhere along the corridor that led from the bottom of the stairs to the end room. Sue stepped back into the kitchen and picked up a plastic toy torch belonging to Tom. It was in the shape of a fish. Its light came from its mouth and was very weak. I said, ‘There’s plenty of light. We don’t need that.’ But she was prodding me in the back with it.

‘Go on, you’ll see,’ she whispered.

At the foot of the stairs we stopped to turn on another set of lights. Sue put a handkerchief over her nose and I covered my face with my shirt-tails. The door at the end of the corridor was half open. From in there we heard the rustling sound again.

‘Rats,’ Sue said. When we reached the door the room was suddenly silent and I stopped. ‘Push,’ Sue said through her handkerchief. I did not move but now the door was opening on its own. I cried out and stepped backwards and saw that my sister was pressing with her foot near the hinge. The trunk looked like it had been kicked. The middle bulged right out. The surface of the concrete was broken by a huge crack in some places half an inch wide. Sue wanted me to look down it. She put the torch in my hand, pointed and said something I could not hear. As I shone the light along the crack I remembered a time when Commander Hunt and his crew flew low across the surface of an unknown planet. Thousands of miles of flat, hard-baked desert broken only by great fissures caused by earthquakes. Not one hill or tree or house and no water. There was no wind because there was no air. They flew away into space without landing and no one spoke for hours. Sue uncovered her mouth and whispered fiercely, ‘What are you waiting for?’ I leaned over the crack at its widest point and shone the torch down. I saw a convoluted, yellowish-grey surface. Round the edge was something black and frayed. As I stared the surface formed itself briefly into a face, an eye, part of a nose and a dark mouth. The image dissolved into convoluted surfaces once more. I thought I was about to fall over and gave the torch to Sue. But the feeling passed as I watched her bending over the trunk. We went into the corridor and closed the door behind us.