The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (36 page)

Germer, Christopher K.
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion
. New York: Guilford Press, 2009. A great resource if you’d like to focus on self-compassion.

Haidt, Jonathan.
The Happiness Hypothesis
. New York: Basic Books, 2006. Best science I’ve found on the scientific study of happiness. Fascinating.

Hayes, Steven C.
Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life
. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2005. The best book I’ve found on how to handle your own mind.

Kabat-Zinn, Jon.
Wherever You Go, There You Are
. 10th anniv. ed. New York: Hyperion, 2005. The best introduction to mindfulness
I’ve ever found. Just the introduction and first two chapters are all you need.

Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, and Roger Fisher.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.
New York: Penguin Non-Classics, 2000. The best framework I’ve found on difficult conversations.

Stone, Hal, and Sidra Stone.
Embracing Your Inner Critic
. New York: HarperOne, 1993. A great first start on getting to know the inner critic, and an easy read.

Williams, Mark, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn.
The Mindful Way through Depression
. New York: Guilford Press, 2007. The best of the best on this difficult topic. A must-read for anyone who has experienced depression or whose loved ones have suffered from it. I would also recommend it to anyone in a position of leadership; you would be amazed at the proportion of people in corporate America who experience depression.

Online Resources

Visit
http://www.CharismaMyth.com
to access dozens of free articles packed with practical tools and tips. You’ll find lots of free downloadable resources, such as a PDF workbook, audio recordings of all the visualization exercises, and many more resources to help you get the most out of this book.

Speaking Engagements

Olivia is a frequently requested keynote speaker, seminar leader, and facilitator for executive leadership retreats. To book Olivia for a speaking engagement, you can view highlights of her live keynote speeches and find more information on her topics of expertise at
http://www.AskOlivia.com
. You can also contact her via e-mail at
[email protected]
.

Coaching and Consulting

For a more intensive or in-depth experience tailored to you or your organization’s specific needs, you may also want to explore Olivia’s extensive coaching and consulting practice, which has attracted clients such as Google, Harvard, and Northern Trust. You can find more information at
http://www.AskOlivia.com
.

1. Charisma Demystified

Becoming more charismatic involves simple tweaks to your behavior. Charisma doesn’t require you to be outgoing or attractive, or for you to change your personality. It’s a skill, a discipline, like playing a sport or an instrument. It takes work, practice, and the right set of tools. This book gives you the tools you need—which come from many disciplines, from neuroscience to athletic conditioning. And because you’re interacting with other people every day, you get countless opportunities to practice these skills.

2. The Charismatic Behaviors:
Presence, Power, and Warmth

Increasing your charisma involves behaviors that project more of three core charismatic qualities: presence, power, and warmth. All three are communicated mostly through body language, which isn’t under your conscious control. Instead, your internal (emotional and mental) state determines your body language. By choosing what you imagine, and by learning how to adjust your mental state, you can ensure that body language projects more presence, power, and warmth, and thus charisma. In terms of achieving charisma, your internal state is critical. Get the internal state right, and the right charismatic behaviors and body language will pour forth
automatically. Being present—paying attention to what’s going on rather than being caught up in your thoughts—can yield immense rewards. When you exhibit presence, those around you feel listened to, respected, and valued.

3. The Obstacles to Presence, Power, and Warmth

Discomfort affects your mental state and prevents you from projecting presence, power, and warmth. It impacts how you feel, how you perform, and how others perceive you. This applies to both physical discomfort and mental discomfort, such as anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, and self-doubt. Aim to prevent discomfort by planning ahead to ensure comfort in clothing, location, and timing. If discomfort arises, you can either address it (for instance, with a mental technique such as the responsibility transfer) or explain it so that it’s not misperceived. In all cases, being aware of the discomfort is the first step in being able to address it.

4. Overcoming the Obstacles

There is a simple three-step process for addressing internal discomfort so that your charisma can shine through. First, destigmatize it by recognizing that we all experience the same kinds of internal discomfort, that they’re completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Think of others who’ve gone through this before—especially people you admire—and see yourself as part of a community of human beings experiencing the same feeling at the same moment. Second, neutralize the negativity attached to the experience by reminding yourself that the negative thoughts are not necessarily accurate. Third, rewrite reality by designing and adopting an interpretation of the situation that gives you a more charismatic state.

5. Creating Charismatic Mental States

Once you’ve addressed the obstacles, the next step is to consciously create mental states that help you project charisma. Visualization, used commonly by professional athletes, is a remarkably versatile and powerful tool for accessing the right mental state. Practicing gratitude, goodwill, and compassion puts you in a mental state that projects warmth. And compassion for yourself, surprisingly, helps you access all aspects of charisma. You can also use those elements of body language you do control, such as posture and facial expressions, to impact your mental state, which then feeds back into the rest of your body language, initiating a positive cycle. Just as professional athletes and performers do, plan a gradual warm-up to your peak charismatic performance. Before important events, avoid experiences that would impair your warmth and plan confidence-boosting activities instead.

6. Different Charisma Styles

Different styles of charisma are appropriate for different people and different situations. We look at four that are both practical and accessible. Focus charisma is achieved primarily through presence and good listening, and makes people feel heard, understood, and respected. Visionary charisma requires a bold vision that is delivered with complete conviction; it inspires people to believe in and want to be a part of this vision. Kindness charisma primarily involves warmth and acceptance, and creates an emotional connection. Authority charisma is achieved primarily through the projection of power and status, and leads people to listen or obey. You can alternate among different charisma styles or even blend them together. To decide which charisma style to use, consider your personality, your goals, and the specific situation at hand.

7. Charismatic First Impressions

First impressions matter. Within minutes or even seconds, people form an impression of your status, your personality, and much else about you, and this evaluation filters their future perceptions of you. The first impression you make starts with your appearance, and typically continues with your handshake and the start of your conversation. People feel most comfortable with those who are similar to them in some way, including appearance and behavior. Good first impressions can weigh heavily in your favor, just as bad ones can take significant work to undo. Great conversationalists keep the spotlight on the other person and make them feel good about themselves, because people will associate you with whatever feelings you produce in them.

8. Speaking—and Listening—with Charisma

There are specific verbal and vocal techniques for projecting each of the three elements of charisma. Presence is communicated by listening well, not interrupting, and pausing before you speak. Warmth is projected by creating positive associations, avoiding negative associations, and making other people feel valued and important. Power is projected when you speak concisely, using metaphors and providing high value. The pitch, tone, and tempo of your speech are as important as what you say in determining what you project.

9. Charismatic Body Language

Your verbal communication—
what
you say—primarily reaches people’s logical side. Your nonverbal communication—
how
you say it—primarily reaches people’s emotional side. Nonverbal communication creates stronger reactions and moves people to action. Through emotional contagion, your emotions can spread to other people. Nonverbal warmth can be projected by managing physical and personal
space to make the other person feel comfortable, by mirroring their body language, and by making the right kind of eye contact. Nonverbal power can be projected by using “big gorilla” body language and avoiding unnecessary movements.

10. Difficult Situations

Difficult situations may challenge your charisma skills, but they also present opportunities. Charismatically handling a difficult situation can make the difference between making an enemy and making a friend. Preparation and approach are important: choose the timing and location to maximize their comfort and your charisma, and be prepared with ways to be both appreciative and empathetic. When you need to win someone over, asking them for their opinion and expressing gratitude for things they’ve done for you in the past are ways to encourage them to rationalize in your favor. When delivering positive information, make it specific and personal; when delivering negative information, make it specific but depersonalize it. All of the charisma tools you’ve learned are useful here, especially the ones to manage your own internal state.

11. Presenting with Charisma

Public speaking can have a major influence on how you are perceived. Craft your message clearly and simply, use vivid stories, metaphors, and analogies, and focus on things the audience can relate to. Make your presentation short and entertaining. Watch the value of each sentence. Choose your clothing to create a specific image and feeling, but also to be comfortable. Practice extensively (including in front of real audiences), and weed out unnecessary sounds and motions. During the speech itself, put your focus on your audience rather than on yourself, and don’t forget to pause and breathe. Use body language and intonation to express the types of power and warmth you want to project. Limit superfluous gestures that distract the audience’s
attention. Pause frequently and deliberately to show confidence and add drama as well as to give yourself a chance to breathe.

12. Charisma in a Crisis

In times of crisis, charismatic leadership is especially important. Others are often more open to charismatic leadership, but they are also more sensitive to the mood and emotions of the leader. Retain equanimity, regularly check your physiology, and use the tools for managing your mental state. Express high expectations and articulate a vision that both addresses the crisis and has relevance beyond it. Articulate a bold vision, show your confidence in your ability to realize that vision, and act decisively to achieve it.

13. The Charismatic Life: Rising to the Challenge

Charisma changes the way people relate to you, and challenges come along with the benefits. You become more of a magnet for praise, but also for envy, and you may be held to higher standards than others. And at the highest levels, being charismatic may set you apart enough for it to be a lonely experience. Sharing credit, expressing praise for others, and showing vulnerability can help mitigate these possible side effects. People may also feel more comfortable with you in the moment, and open up in ways they regret or feel ashamed of later.

Charisma can also be powerful in the wrong ways. People may want to follow you even when you’re wrong, rely on you too much, or take unjustified risks because of their faith in your ability to fix anything. Charisma is a powerful tool that you need to use responsibly.

The following quick summaries bring together key exercises detailed throughout this book.

Presence (page 15)

Set a timer for one minute. Close your eyes and try to focus on one of three things:

1. Sounds: Scan your environment for sound. Imagine your ears are satellite dishes, passively registering sounds.
   
2. Your breath: Focus on your breath and the sensations it creates in your nostrils or stomach as it goes in and out.
   
3. Your toes: Focus your attention on the sensations in your toes.
   

Responsibility Transfer (pages 34–35)

Whenever you feel your brain rehashing possible outcomes to a situation, try a transfer of responsibility to alleviate the anxiety.

1. Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes.
   
2. Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing clean air toward the top of your head. As you exhale, let it whoosh out, washing all your worries away.
   
3. Imagine lifting the weight of
   everything
   you’re concerned about off your shoulders and placing it in the hands of whichever benevolent entity you’d like to put in charge.
   

Now that everything is taken care of, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.

Destigmatizing Discomfort (page 46)

The next time an uncomfortable emotion is hindering you, try this step-by-step guide to destigmatizing:

1. Remind yourself that this is normal and that we all experience it from time to time.
   
2. Think of others who have gone through this, especially people you admire.
   
3. Remember that right now, in this very moment, many others are going through this very same experience.
   

Neutralizing Negativity (pages 50–51)