The Chevalier (22 page)

“But there is something more necessary to a good marriage.”

He gave her a questioning look. She could not bring herself to say anymore. Perhaps he did not understand her implication, but it wasn’t her place to explain it. Then there was the other possibility that he was merely playing a cynical game at her expense. Neither thought pleased her. She hurried out the door, leaving him to call after her. But she was gone before he could follow.

It had been a terrible mistake coming to see him. She should have known that she could not trust herself to be alone with the man. The worst part was that she now knew what a depraved individual she was. She was even too ashamed to confess her sin. How could she have allowed it to happen again? And the truth was, she had enjoyed it more than ever. What was wrong with her?

♥ ♥ ♥

Gareth would have followed after her, but he realized that no purpose would be served. She was angry with him; that was quite apparent. But what had she expected from him? Hadn’t he done exactly the right thing by asking her to marry him? Damn it to hell! What was wrong with the girl? She should have been overwhelmed by the generosity of his offer. Instead, she acted as if he had insulted her. He would never understand her. She was such a proud, little thing. There was a lot more fire in her then he had realized; he understood that now.

Maybe she simply did not want to marry him, regardless of her situation. Perhaps it was because she was a French aristocrat and he was nothing but an English commoner and a bastard at that. His father might be the most powerful aristocrat in Northern England, but he shared in none of that. It was possible that Madeline wanted only a man of wealth and title for a husband. Certainly her brother had intimated as much. If that were so, then he had truly ruined her life. Yet, if he meant nothing to her, why was she so passionate in bed with him? Still, that could merely be her nature. Lust and love were not the same things at all; he knew that better than anyone.

The truth was, he probably was not good enough for her. Why had he proposed to her anyway? He felt like a fool now. But of course, he had to do it for the sake of the child. It should be born legitimate and not suffer as he had.

He could not help but wonder how she felt about MacCarnan. Was it possible that she still hoped MacCarnan would marry her? If that were the case, he did not want her. He pulled himself off the bed and walked closer to the fireplace, throwing on an extra piece of wood. The room had suddenly grown cold.

He realized that he was lying. It was untrue to tell himself that he would not want her if she preferred MacCarnan, but the knowledge made him very angry. He would always want the damn girl, always desire her, just as he had tonight.

It was many hours before he could finally fall asleep.

 
Twenty-Two

Madeline slept late the next morning. Both her body and mind were fatigued. It was Elizabeth, carrying a tray with hot tea and porridge, who woke her.

“Best get up,” she said. “Mother insists you have to eat.”

Madeline wasn’t very hungry, but at least the nausea that had plagued her in the mornings when she was last in the Highlands was gone now. She accepted the food graciously, conscious of her relatives’ concern for her.

Elizabeth sat down on the bed and they chatted as Madeline swallowed a few tablespoons of oatmeal gruel, though her mind was hardly on the conversation.

“Andrew’s been up for hours,” Beth informed her. “He’s anxious to talk to you; you’ve nettled him some I think.” Elizabeth gave her a mischievous smile. “You can still be my sister if you want. Andrew told me his feelings for you haven’t changed. I heard him tell Mother that no one need ever know your baby is no’ his. Everything can be wonderful yet.”

Why did that thought make her so uneasy? Of course, she should want Andrew. No man had ever treated her with greater respect or consideration. Any sane woman would be grateful that he still wanted her. Perhaps she wasn’t sane; maybe she was a lunatic – that might explain the way she felt and behaved.

Madeline took as long as possible to prepare herself. She did not really want to talk to anyone. What she felt like doing was taking a very long walk by herself. The weather was beautiful in the Highlands; the land glowed with a radiance that was almost painful. She was aware suddenly how much more she enjoyed rural living than being part of the population of the great cities. She had lived in Paris and London, but it was here in a veritable wilderness that she felt most at home. She wished that she could just remain here in the peace and tranquility of nature. It would have been better if neither Andrew nor Gareth were in the Highlands.

Silly though it might be since it only postponed the inevitable, she took herself off through the back of the house, through the servant’s quarters hoping that no one would see her. She virtually ran toward the path that led to her favorite loch, far away from the sounds of people and the worry they caused her. It seemed almost like a criminal act, stealing this time for herself alone, yet she was in need of it. She did not wish to be selfish, nor to cause others pain, but her soul was troubled and weary, much in need of solace. She stood upon the brae that overlooked the loch and admired the beauty of it.

September was gone and October had just begun; there were clear signs of autumn. Leaves were coloring, and Madeline looked at them with delight. Every leaf was just a little different, she observed, just as every human being was unique. The coming of autumn always made her feel strangely melancholy and today was no different. It was so painfully beautiful. How she wished to write a great poem in celebration.

She would have liked to bring her paints here and perhaps create an exceptional work of art. That would be the ultimate satisfaction, the creating of something original. She touched her belly and with a sense of wonder realized something along that order was happening in her body right now. She had the strong desire, the need, to protect this precious creation of hers from all harm. She understood that no matter what else happened, this was what she cared about most.

She did not know how long she walked because her mind was lost in reflection. But when she finally returned to the house, it seemed the family had sat down to lunch, usually the largest meal of the day. Anne greeted her and brought her into the dining room. All eyes turned to Madeline and she felt uncomfortable under their scrutiny.

“Where have you been, lass?” Andrew asked, looking concerned. “I was coming to look for ye, but Mother insisted she’d seen you go out for a walk and probably wished to be alone.”

Madeline threw Cousin Anne a look of appreciation. It was amazing how well Anne understood the feelings of other people. Madeline was in for another surprise; when she raised her eyes, the sight of Gareth Eriksen sitting at the table greeted her. He gave her a cool, composed smile, as if it were perfectly acceptable and appropriate that he be there.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded, trying not to sound upset.

“I’m an invited guest,” he answered easily.

She tried not to show her consternation.

“I invited Eriksen to eat with us,” the MacCarnan said. “The man did save me from the gallows. I believe I owe him that much.”

“Sit down and join us,” Anne insisted. “Ye must have a fine hunger after such a cavort.”

“No, I thought to lie down for a while,” she responded, wanting only to escape the assembled group.

“I think ye be lookin’ a bit pale and wan. It would do ye well to quench your thirst and break off a bit of bread.”

Madeline knew that she would offend Anne if she didn’t sit down with them. She saw that the meal on the table was the best that they could offer. There was boiled mutton, batter pudding, a roasted duck, and rabbit smothered in onions, carrots and turnips. Andrew was passing Gareth a dish that she did not recognize. She looked at it with interest.

“Did you want to try some of the haggis?” Anne asked. “‘Twill do your blood good.”

“What’s in it?” she asked, thinking that it appeared to be some sort of a pudding.

“Why ‘tis a special dish indeed, a veritable institution in Scotland,” Anne replied.

Why was her cousin reluctant to tell her the ingredients of the dish – or did she only imagine it?

“Shall you have some on your plate then?” Anne asked.

“First, I want to know what I’ll be eating.”

“I can tell you that,” Elizabeth exclaimed. “There’s sheep hearts and liver minced with suet and oatmeal, and all boiled in the bladder of a sheep. Isn’t that it, Mither?”

Gareth began to choke on his mouthful of haggis and that made Madeline smile for the first time in a long while.

“Oh, don’t you like our haggis?” Elizabeth asked with her mermaid eyes open wide.

“I did until I found out what it is,” Gareth replied with a wry smile.

Andrew laughed heartily. “Haggis is our secret weapon against the English – better than bagpipes or claymores.”

Anne frowned at her son’s joke. “Our fare may be plain but I believe it to be equal to that of any English table.”

“Thank you for your hospitality,” Gareth intoned politely. “Truly, it’s much greater then I had cause to expect.”

“Much better than you deserve,” Elizabeth said accusingly.

Anne gave her daughter a hard look, and Beth cast her eyes downward to her plate.

“Maddy, my gel, you’re not takin’ anything. I can have some cockie leekie brought out to you; ‘tis a good, healthy soup ‘twill stick to your ribs.” Anne’s motherly tone of voice made her smile.

“You’re so good to me,” she said. “Please, don’t fuss. I’ll just take a bit of what’s here.”

The rest of the meal was eaten in relative quiet, as if an uneasy truce were being observed between warring parties. Madeline could not help feeling tense, aware that both sets of male eyes were watching her.

Andrew left the table first and went into the drawing room. She knew the time had come when she must talk to him. He deserved at least that from her. Beth accompanied her into the drawing room, unaware that a serious and private discussion was being planned.

In the drawing room, Madeline found Andrew waiting for her. It was as if nothing had changed from last night. He immediately came toward her, then turned and gave his sister a look of dismissal. Beth, being sensitive to the feelings of others, immediately left them alone.

“Have you been thinking on my proposal, lass?”

“Yes, indeed I have,” she said in a quiet voice.

“And have you changed your mind? I did not take what you said last night as your final word, far from it.”

He came close to her now and Madeline was taken by his handsome, chiseled features. His dark red hair was straight and held back at the nape by a piece of black ribbon. His fern green eyes regarded her with warm affection. He took her hand and drew it up against his plaid waistcoat. “You’re a bonnie lass, Maddy, and I know that I would make you and your child very happy. I really would be good to both of you. And there would be other children, ours together. Of course, I’ve no’ got a title to offer anymore and no wealth either as you well know.”

She shook her head. “That part of it never mattered to me. I know that my family would have expected me to marry with such considerations in mind, but I don’t believe in marrying for mercenary gain and I shouldn’t expect to change now.”

“I see the cloudy look in your eyes. What is there that troubles you? What holds you from me?”

She hesitated for a moment. “I don’t think marrying me would be best for you. I’m not certain that you would find much pleasure in such a match.”

She could not meet his gaze. At that moment, Gareth came into the room. Andrew welcomed him with something less than enthusiasm. Gareth looked from the MacCarnan to Madeline.

“Something wrong?” he asked in a cool voice.

“Aye, I’ve asked Madeline to marry me and she’s refused. I’ve no doubt that I’ll convince her, but I’m disappointed that she needs further wooing.”

“Well, MacCarnan, I can understand how you feel. Actually, I came all this distance to ask for the lady’s hand myself.”

Andrew stared at him in great surprise. “You, Viking? Why, aren’t there enough English gels from which you might choose?”

“There are indeed, Highlander, but this one happens to be carrying my child.”

Madeline felt her face flush scarlet. A wave of nausea gripped her stomach and she felt as if she would bring up the little she’d managed to get down at lunch. She would have run from the room, but Andrew’s hand tightly holding her own stopped her longed for flight. Now he turned to her, a stricken expression on his face.

“Madeline, is this true?”

She nodded her head, miserable, unable to speak. Hot tears welled up in her eyes. She could not look him in the eye.

“I don’t know why I’m that surprised. I should have known it. Who else would it be after all?” He turned to Gareth. “We’ll battle it out between us then. I see now why you thought to save me. Guilt, pure and simple. You took away from me what was rightfully mine. You defiled what I most valued.”

“I knew her before you ever did,” Gareth said through clenched teeth.

“That you certainly did! Now I see why she won’t have me. Prepare for your death, Viking, for it’s coming sooner than you expected.” The Highlander’s face was mottled purple with wild rage.

Before Andrew could reach Gareth, Madeline threw herself between the two large men. Their very size dwarfed her and either could have forced her out of their way, but she spoke quickly, her eyes molten steel.

“You’ve no call to fight over me. I’ll not marry either one of you!”

Both men stared down at her as one, expressing their disbelief.

“I’ve made my decision and I’ll stick by it. Don’t touch him, Andrew, he isn’t worthy of fighting with and I’m not worthy of fighting over. I’m sorry I came back here. I should have foreseen what would happen. It was very selfish of me. Please accept my apology. I don’t want either of you killed on my account. I feel dreadful enough about this as it is. It’s my fault and I’ll be taking the blame.”

“You’ll be marrying me,” Andrew said determinedly.

“No, she’ll not.” Everyone turned to see Anne MacCarnan enter the room. She was a tall, slender woman who carried herself with the regal grace and dignity of a queen and when she spoke, she was not to be ignored.

Madeline let out a deep breath of relief on seeing Anne come into the room. They would not fight in front of Anne MacCarnan; the woman would not allow it.

“Mother, the Viking’s admitted to fathering Madeline’s child. ‘Tis a matter of honor that must be settled between us.” Andrew’s eyes flashed furiously.

“What I see is something quite different,” Anne MacCarnan said in a thoughtful voice. She turned to Madeline. “Be quite direct with me, lass. Did this mon ravish you?”

She looked at her cousin and met the formidable gaze without flinching. “It was more in the nature of seduction,” she admitted honestly. “No, he did not ravish me.”

“It is not necessary for me to rape women,” Gareth said with indignation.

“I think Maddy is being a bit too generous where he’s concerned,” Andrew said with menace in his accusation. “We’re talking about an innocent gel. I want to kill him. I could beat you to death with my fists, Viking.”

Anne put a restraining hand on her son’s broad shoulder. “You’ll not settle the matter properly that way.” She turned back to Madeline. “Which man do you want to marry?”

Madeline shook her head at the blunt question. “Neither one. I don’t want to marry any man right now.”

“You must have a husband,” Andrew said with some surprise. “What will you do without one? Soon you’ll have a child to care for.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t think very well right now. My head is far from clear. But I know about marrying for the right reasons and I know about marrying for the wrong ones. I can’t marry you, Andrew. I’m not carrying your child and that would always be between us. Though you might deny it now, I know in my heart it will come to that.”