The Choice - A Small Town Love Triangle (11 page)

She knew everything running through her head wouldn’t be enough. It was all just excuses, at least that’s what Sawyer would think. Her shoulders lurched as she sobbed into her hands, knowing how badly she screwed everything up.

After an hour he still hadn’t come back. She rested her head on her arm, tears still dripping down her cheeks. Traci was so worn out from the emotionally draining events that she drifted off into a fitful half-sleep in the mildly comfortable chair.

* * *

The nudge at her shoulder startled her. She sat up abruptly and it took her a few minutes to realize where she was. It was still dark out and she was still on Sawyer’s front patio. She looked up to see Sawyer standing over her. He looked distant and disheveled. His hair was wild as if he’d been driving 100 mph with the windows down. His eyes were red and the knuckles on his right hand were scraped and bloody.

“You’re bleeding!” she said reaching out for his hand looking concerned. He twisted away so she couldn’t examine it. Pain coursed through her veins at seeing his reaction to her. She felt sick.

“I’m fine,” he said not looking at her, “What are you doing here?”

Sawyer sounded cold. He was in pain she could see that and he wasn’t doing much to hide it. His rage had calmed but his hurting hadn’t. She looked at her feet, “I wanted to explain.”

“Traci, I don’t even want to hear it,” he said, “You should go.” Sawyer started walking away.

“I can’t. I don’t have my car.”

“Then you’ll just have to go back to Cash.”

“He’s out looking for you.”

“Doesn’t sound like my problem.” Sawyer said reaching for the doorknob.

Traci buried her face into her hands and her shoulders shook as she started to cry all over again. She hadn’t wanted Sawyer to see her like this, but she hadn’t been able to stop it. How there were even any tears left surprised her.

“Fuck!” he said and took a step towards her, “Don’t cry.”

“I’m… fine…,” she said between sniffs.

“I can see that,” Sawyer said with sarcasm so thick it dripped off his tongue.

“Sorry,” she said wiping at her tears, begging herself to stop crying in front of Sawyer. She’d done this to herself and it was utterly unfair to Sawyer that she was the one crying, not that she meant to.

“Come on in, you can stay in the guest room,” Sawyer said walking back to his door. Traci didn’t move, “Seriously, it’s fine, come.”

Traci sniffed again and wiped at her tears smudging her mascara even more than it already was. Reluctantly she got up and followed him inside. They walked up the stairs, Sawyer leading the way and Traci following behind like a lost puppy. He stepped inside the guest room and checked everything over carefully to make sure it was well stocked with anything she might need. He even looked into the bathroom to ensure there were fresh towels.

“I’ll give you a ride in the morning,” Sawyer said taking a final glance over everything, he may have hated her but he still wanted her stay to be perfect. She thought it was fascinating that even though he was so angry with her, he still cared she had a nice stay. It was like he was running some fancy bed-and-breakfast and her experience was important to him.

“Thank you,” she said sitting on the bed burying her face into her hands again. It was easiest for her to just keep her face hidden from him.

Sawyer sighed and started to close the door behind him, “Good night.”

“Sawyer wait, please,” she begged.

“Hmm?” He looked as though he was expecting her to ask for an extra blanket or another pillow, maybe she needed more towels. She stood up and took a careful step towards him, “Sawyer please, just listen, you don’t have to say anything, just let me say what I need to say.”

He looked at her blankly and waited for her to continue.

“I’m sorry. I feel awful….”

He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t move either. His eyes were focused on the door frame.

“None of this was supposed to happen. Not like this. I didn’t know… I didn’t even know you guys were brothers! At least not at first and by the time I found out it was too late.

“I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t even realize how much you really mean to me until tonight that is. There is nothing with me and Cash, it’s over. It’s done—”

“—But there had been something, right? You were in the trailer kissing him. You can’t deny that.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, there was, but it’s different. It’s hard to explain. All I know is when you walked in, I felt so horrible that I had hurt you. It was you I was thinking about. That I worried about. Can we please talk about this? I’ll do anything, whatever it takes. I am so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you,” she said. Her hands pressed together like she was praying, raising them up towards him. Confessing her sins and asking for some form of forgiveness.

Sawyer walked across the room and sat on the bed. She sat down leaving plenty of space between them so he’d feel comfortable. Traci knew the last thing he’d want was to be touched by her or even close to her.

“What can I do? I can’t stand to see you hurting… and because of what I’ve done. I didn’t know when everything first started that you were brothers. When I found out I should have ended things, but it was too late I had developed some kind of feelings for both of you. It was wrong of me and I apologize.” Traci said wanting to reach out to him, to turn his head so she could see his eyes. It was killing her she’d done this to him.

“I could have told you that first night but I didn’t,” he said.

“Why didn’t you?” she asked her voice soft.

“Because every girl on the face of this planet for as long as I can remember, only had eyes for him. All my life, all they ever asked was to know more about Cash. I thought maybe if I practically ignored his existence, maybe you wouldn’t notice him. Guess that didn’t work.”

She realized that whatever it was that had happened between them was something that had been there for a very long time. The extreme dislike for one another hadn’t started because of her, it was something that had existed for a while. Traci didn’t know what to say, all she wanted to say was how sorry she was, over and over and over again.

He continued, “When I was 18… I had this girlfriend, Emma. We’d been together since freshman year high school. We’d spend any free time we had together, which wasn’t a whole heck of a lot because I helped my dad on the farm every day, but we were an official couple. During our senior year we talked about our future and planned on getting married after we finished high school. She’d go to college, and I’d stay here and work the farm until she graduated.”

Traci’s stomach tightened at the mention of the other girl. It was an odd twinge of jealousy that she pushed deep down inside of her. She had no right. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. She waited patiently. It was almost as if he was seeing it all play out in his head like a movie.

“Then when my dad passed away, things changed. My mom had passed away two years before that so it had only been us boys for a while,” he explained before she could ask about his mother, “With dad gone I had even less free time. I finished high school and worked the farm full time. Cash still lived here at the time and helped out with farm-work when he felt like it but mostly he just lounged around and partied like a typical 20-year-old. But I didn’t get to party. I had to work. Someone had to take care of the animals and the crops,” he looked at her waiting for some kind of response.

“Of course,” she said not really sure what to say.

“That summer after I graduated, I went to ask Cash to help me with something, and for the life of me I can’t even remember what I needed help with. When I walked into his room and saw him with… her, I almost couldn’t control myself. I wanted to hurt him so he could feel the pain I was feeling. He had her bent over his desk, they were both naked and well I suppose you can probably imagine what I saw,” he said with more sadness in his voice than anything else.

She felt even worse knowing that history had practically repeated itself. It had happened to him again. Thankfully he hadn’t walked in on her and Cash fucking, but it was bad enough considering. And they still had fucked even if he hadn’t seen it.

“I’d found out later they’d been screwing behind my back for months. Cash never even apologized. Girls have been all over him since we were kids. He was always the handsome one, girls would ask me to introduce them. Cash has always had things so easy. Any girl he wanted… the football star… teachers took it easy on him in school. Even my dad rarely made him do chores.

“Anyway seeing you with him set off all those feelings again. I thought we had something. I really, really liked you Traci, and stupid sonsabitch I am, I still do.”

“I like you too Sawyer I really do. It was a mistake. If I’d have known any of this…,” she said even though she knew he wouldn’t have ever talked about any of this so early in their relationship. Still, she had royally screwed up, and it wasn’t because she hadn’t known from the start that they were brothers, or because she hadn’t known what had happened in their past. It was because she couldn’t make up her mind. “It was wrong of me to try to figure things out while seeing both of you, it all happened so fast. I was confused and—”

“—I wish I would have told you right away. I should have been up front about it,” Sawyer said and it made her think about the lies she had told him when they had first met. The big lie about her name being the main one.

“Sawyer I’m so sorry I did this to you. It’s over with Cash. I hope it doesn’t have to be over with you too, but I’ll understand if it is.”

“I… I’m hurting, Traci,” he said looking at her, his eyes wide and red the pain and sadness evident. She put her arm around his waist and this time he didn’t pull away.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

It hit her like a lightning bolt. Maybe because of the physical contact, or maybe it was something else. She realized how much she really cared for Sawyer. She knew before she liked him, but this feeling was different. The thought of truly losing him rushed over her. She worried that she wouldn’t be able to breathe if she lost him. She started to cry again, feeling defeated and pissed off at herself for having screwed things up.

Sawyer put his arm around her while her tears dampened his shirt. The fact that he was comforting her when she’d been the one to mess things up made her cry even more. She wished more than anything she would have been upfront from the beginning. She wrapped her arms around him even tighter, afraid that if she let go he’d disappear forever.

Sawyer hugged her back, just as tightly. “Traci?”

“Yes, Sawyer?” she said trying to stop her tears.

“I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it… I think, I think before this I had started falling in love with you.” He didn’t stop hugging her.

Traci pulled back sharply, looking into his eyes to see if he was lying, “Sawyer?”

They gazed into each other’s eyes, time seemed to stand still. Traci’s eyebrows were pinched together as she was trying to read his mind through his eyes. He let out a growl that encapsulated so many feelings. Sawyer was angry with her, he was jealous of Cash but what ultimately won out was his need to have her. He pressed his lips to hers hard and demanding. Traci kissed him back as if he was her oxygen.

They fell back on the bed as their tongues twirled against one another. Sawyer’s fingers were on her cheeks stroking her soft, damp skin. He swiped away her remaining tears. She wanted to tell him she didn’t deserve him. She wanted to be forgiven before moving forward, but it felt right. That maybe this was how it was supposed to be, and this is how they would heal. But in reality, Traci feared if she said anything, he’d come to his senses and stop things before they went any further.

“Christ, I’m an idiot,” he said softly kissing her neck.

Traci didn’t know what to say. It was her that was the idiot. She hadn’t seen it, but she should have. Sawyer was so kind and sweet since the beginning, it was something she hadn’t been used to, “You’re not.”

“I hadn’t been with anyone else after I caught Cash with her,” he said between kisses, “I hadn’t dated or even really talked to girls. I told myself I didn’t have time. I was too busy. Until I saw you. You’re the first.”

Traci felt even worse after hearing that. History had repeated itself on his second attempt and all because she couldn’t control herself. She hadn’t been looking for anything more than a good time. A relationship had been the furthest thing from her mind, but it had found her.

It was strange though because it also made her feel special. She couldn’t take back what she’d done, but he hadn’t given up on her. He was here with her now, she had to hope that meant he was giving her a second chance. It had to mean something.

He ran his fingertip along the side of her arm stopping at her wrist. He threaded his fingers between hers and brought her hand up to his top shirt button. They slowly worked together to unbutton his shirt, gazing intensely into one another’s eyes. He let go of her hand and tore his shirt off tossing it onto the floor.

As she tentatively caressed his bare, silky chest she saw the fire burning in his eyes, he had passed the point of no return. Her hands were all over him, feeling every tight muscle. She pulled him closer, so she could skim her fingertips down his back.