The Circle (39 page)

‘It’s okay,’ Anna-Karin says quickly. ‘Come on, Jari.’

The noise from the party grows in intensity as they go up the stairs. ‘Jonte’s weird sometimes,’ Jari says. ‘His brain is, like, smoked. Know what I mean?’

He laughs hoarsely and holds out the bottle. Anna-Karin pauses to take it. Vanessa and Linnéa are most probably still up there. She swigs and nearly retches. Her mouth seems to be filled with napalm, but she forces herself to swallow. The liquid burns all the way down her throat. She gags a few times as if she’s going to puke and hopes Jari doesn’t notice.

‘Good shit, huh?’ Jari says.

‘M-hm.’ She has another swig. This time it goes down more easily, as if the first gulp had numbed her mouth and throat. She tips the bottle back again, lets more of the liquid run down her throat.

‘Take it easy.’ Jari laughs.

Just for that Anna-Karin, of course, has to take an extra gulp before she hands it back to him.

As she opens the basement door, they’re hit by a full-frontal assault from a wailing hard-rock guitar.

Minoo is dreaming of Ophelia. Ophelia who is Rebecka. She’s drowning and Minoo is trying to save her. She wades into the stream. It’s surprisingly deep and she has to struggle against the current to stay upright. She tries to grab the white nightgown that is billowing around her friend in the water. But it keeps slipping through her fingers. Rebecka looks at her with doleful eyes, as if she’s sad for Minoo.

Minoo … Minoo, you have to wake up now
.

Minoo objects, still half asleep. She hasn’t finished her dream. She has to grab Rebecka.

Wake up
.

She opens her eyes and looks around in a daze, adjusting slowly to the darkness. The familiar contours of the room come into view. She tries to remember what woke her, but she has difficulty in concentrating.

Minoo
…

Her heart skips a beat. It’s a voice that isn’t a voice. It’s inside her head, disguised as one of her own thoughts. It’s warm and comforting, and it terrifies her.

Minoo sits up in bed. She fumbles for the lamp at her bedside and presses the switch.

She looks around, her heart pounding. The fear is so intense that she feels like a hunted animal, driven by instinct. She doesn’t dare to breathe. The awful presence will find her if she makes the slightest sound.

The bedside lamp flickers.

Get up
.

Minoo’s body obeys: she gets out of bed and walks towards the door.

And she realises that the awful presence is inside her.

When she steps out into the corridor, the bathroom door is wide open. The sound of running water reaches her ears. The bath is filling. Step by step she approaches the open door.

No pain
, the voice whispers.
No pain, I promise
.

Minoo walks quietly into the bathroom and the door swings shut behind her.

40

JARI LEADS ANNA-KARIN
into one of the smaller rooms upstairs. Cushions are scattered about the floor and there’s a ping-pong table. Two girls are plucking ice cubes from each other’s glasses, then passing them between their mouths with kisses. It’s clear that they’re putting on a show for the guys who are sitting on the cushions.

Anna-Karin props her elbows on the ping-pong table. The whole world is heaving, as if she was at sea. She doesn’t feel quite so sick if she focuses straight ahead.

‘Are you all right?’ Jari asks.

Sweet, considerate Jari. With his sweet, beautiful eyes. It can’t just be Anna-Karin’s magic that makes him look at her like that. He must really like her.

‘I feel so
fuuucking goood
,’ she says. Her tongue is sort of numb. Slack and numb, can’t quite keep up. And her head feels so heavy it’s hard to keep it upright. But what she says is true. She feels so fucking good. She’s with Jari. The boy of her dreams.

‘It’s not just because I’ve been fat and ugly all my life that I’ve become like this. It’s my mother’s fault. I fucking believe that. She’s made me totally anti-men. She’s never …’

Here Anna-Karin has to swallow back the puke that bubbles up her oesophagus before she can continue. She clears her throat and looks around the room to include the guys sitting on the floor cushions. ‘She’s never said anything good about you. I mean, not, like,
you
guys, but like
guys
. You know?’ Anna-Karin isn’t sure if she’s about to laugh or cry. Everything’s so much fun and so terribly sad at the same time. And so unsteady. ‘But you’re so fucking nice. I’m so fucking happy you exist. Guys are fucking nice. Guys, guys, guys. More guys!’

She can hear how idiotic she’s being. She’s always thought that drunk people have no idea how stupid they sound. Now she knows that when you’re drunk
you just don’t care
that you sound ridiculous. She doesn’t give a flying fuck. About anything. It’s like a thousand kilos have been lifted off her chest.

‘Maybe you should give her some water,’ she hears someone tell Jari.

Why are they talking about her as if she wasn’t there?

Anna-Karin staggers along the edge of the ping-pong table to Jari. She’s using all her power to keep her hold on him. The other people in the room probably don’t like her. But who cares? Jari is the only one who matters.

‘Who do you love?’ Anna-Karin asks, looking at him.

‘You, of course,’ Jari answers, without blinking.

Anna-Karin takes a few steps towards him, trips and falls into his arms. Her forehead smacks against his eyebrows, but she barely feels it. She throws her arms around his neck and opens her mouth.

At first he kisses her gently. She tries to lean against him to keep her balance while she thinks about how many words rhyme with what they’re doing – nuzzling, guzzling … puzzling? Rustling? And then she stops thinking. The only things that exist are their mouths. Her tongue in his mouth, his tongue in hers. She licks his lower lip and he moans. Their teeth knock together a few times. Anna-Karin becomes increasingly bold. She sucks his tongue – she can hardly believe she has the courage to do it. She lets her hands roam over his shirt, then slips them underneath it. He’s thin. She feels the hard squares of his stomach. His skin is warm. The soft fuzz below his belly-button. Her fingers fondle his jeans. He groans.

‘Jesus Christ!’ a girl cries out. ‘Can’t you go and fuck somewhere else!’

Anna-Karin and Jari open their eyes and look around, bleary-eyed. Without taking his eyes or hands off her Jari says, ‘I don’t know what this chick does to me.’

Anna-Karin licks her lips in the way she’s seen girls do in the porno films she’s watched in secret. She realises she’s licking off Jari’s saliva –it’s all over her mouth –but for some reason the idea doesn’t disgust her. In fact, it turns her on.

Anna-Karin leans towards Jaris’s ear and whispers: ‘Let’s find somewhere we can do it. I want to do it with you right now.’

Jari nods and gives her a feather-light kiss on the lips. It sends electric shockwaves surging through her. She wants more. Now.

They return to the throbbing heart of the party. Seeing
all
these people again is a shock. Anna-Karin tries to get them to move out of the way, tries to focus on their bodies, but she can barely stand.

She lets Jari go first, beat a path for them.

‘Upstairs?’ he calls, over his shoulder.

Anna-Karin nods, but then she sees Vanessa and Linnéa. They’re coming towards her, looking pissed off. What a joke. She lets go of Jari’s hand. ‘You go and see if any rooms are free. I’ll follow you in a minute.’ She crosses her arms and waits for them. This time she’s not going to run.

The water is gushing from the bath tap. Minoo can only watch as the water level rises. The steam has fogged the mirror and is making her pyjamas stick to her.

Minoo is somewhere inside herself, trying to get out. She’s a prisoner inside her body, locked behind her face. Behind her she hears the door latch turning, then locking with a click. She tries to scream, but the sound never reaches her vocal cords.

Every detail in the bathroom is crystal clear. She can see every thread in the fluffy bathroom carpet she’s standing on. Every drop of water gushing from the tap. The dark grey seam between the white tiles.

Leave me alone!
she screams inside her head.
Let go of me!

I can’t
.

The most frightening thing is that the voice is so warm and friendly, so pleasant.

The bath tap turns off. She looks at the water, at the little
specks
of dust floating on the surface. A few last drops dribble from the tap.

There’s a knock at the door.

‘Minoo?’ her mother says. Her voice is heavy with sleep.

Minoo can see her in her mind’s eye, standing on the other side of the door, less than a metre away, wrapped in her washed-out dark red bathrobe.

Mum!
Minoo thinks.
Mum, help me!

‘I woke up and couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d take a bath. Sorry if I woke you,’ Minoo hears herself say.

‘Okay. Just be careful you don’t fall asleep in the water,’ her mother says, and leaves her.

Minoo takes a few steps forwards. The heat rises towards her face.

It’s almost over. You don’t want to stay here. You have no idea what awaits you in this world. It’s only going to get worse. Much, much worse. And all for nothing. There’s no point in fighting against it. You appreciate logic and you’ve already worked that out, haven’t you? You can’t win
.

She puts one foot into the bath. The water is hot, but not enough to scald her. She puts in her other foot. The legs of her pyjamas stick to her calves. She pleads with the intruding presence to let her go. Begs.

All of your suffering, Minoo, it’s just the beginning. Trust me. This is so much easier
.

Minoo’s body is engulfed in water as she eases herself into the bath. Her pyjama top is full of air and swells like a balloon as she struggles to keep her head above the water.

For a moment she can see what is holding her – a haze of
black
smoke surrounds her. She concentrates all her willpower on dispersing it. The smoke dissipates slightly.

Minoo regains control of her hands. She grabs the rim of the bath, clings desperately to it. Her arms are shaking with the strain.

Let go, Minoo
.

The strength drains from her fingertips as they are prised away from the bath. She sinks. The warm water closes above her face.

There’s no point in resisting
.

If her mother has gone back to sleep, she or her father might not try the bathroom door again until tomorrow morning. Will it be unlocked by then? Or will they have to break it down? Will Minoo’s eyes be open under the water, staring blindly?

The black cloud drags her down into the water until her head hits the bottom of the bath.

Forgive me
.

‘Come on. We’ll take you home,’ Linnéa says.

‘Forget it,’ Anna-Karin tells her.

The cigarette smoke hangs in the air like a bank of fog, mixed with other, sweeter smoke. Anna-Karin decides that a glass of water wouldn’t be a bad idea after all.

An elbow comes against her from behind, and she lurches unsteadily. For a moment she thinks she’s going to lose her balance and fall, but she flails her arms and manages to stay on her feet.

‘Shit! She can’t even stand,’ says Vanessa.

‘Somebody pushed me!’ Anna-Karin says. Anger flares and clears her head. She understands now. It must be tough for Vanessa not to be the centre of attention any more, that Jari wants Anna-Karin now, not her. ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ she says. ‘You can go home if you want to.’

‘You’ve had enough of an adventure for one night,’ Linnéa says.

‘I’m staying here all night,’ Anna-Karin says, ‘and Jari’s going to pop my cherry.’

Vanessa’s jaw literally drops. Anna-Karin has never actually seen that happen before.

‘You mean you’re going to rape him,’ Linnéa says.

‘You wish,’ Anna-Karin says.

‘If you have sex with him against his will it’s rape.’

‘You and I both know he’d never do it voluntarily,’ Vanessa adds.

‘Getting laid is all men ever want to do!’ Anna-Karin snaps. ‘Which guy would say no? Huh?’

‘Anna-Karin,’ Vanessa says firmly, ‘that’s not how it works. Jari is a human being, not someone you can just use. Would you think it was okay if a guy did that to a girl?’

‘It’s not the same thing. Anyway, Jari wants me for real, no matter what you think.’

‘You’re going too far now,’ Linnéa says.

‘Hypocrites!’ Anna-Karin shouts. ‘Everyone knows that Vanessa is a slut. And you’re a fucking junkie, the daughter of a drunk—’

A hard smack. Anna-Karin’s cheek stings. Linnéa has slapped her across the face and everyone turns. It’s
noticeably
quiet suddenly, apart from the music, which is hammering away throughout the house. Anna-Karin does all she can to hold back the tears that are stinging her eyes.