The Collected Poems of Ted Berrigan (43 page)

I drank some coke

& took a pill

It made me feel ill, but

optimistic. So,

I went to the Michigan Union for cigarettes.

I cashed a check today—

but that was later. Now

I bought cigarettes, &

The Detroit Free Press.

I decided to eat some vanilla wafers

& drink coffee

at my desk

There was no cream for

the coffee. & the mail

wasn’t out yet.

It pissed me off.

I drank some coffee, black

& it was horrible.

Life is horrible, &

I am stupid.

I think. . . . . . . . . . NOTHING.

Then I think, more coffee. . .

upstairs!

Jackie’s face

picks me up.

She says,      “there’s cream

upstairs”

Up more stairs via the elevator:

cream           talk amiably to Bert

Hornbach

Come downstairs

&

the mail has

come!

Lots

of mail!               I feel pretty good.

Together with my mail back in office.

Sitting.

Johnny Stanton says:      “Ted,

you are a myth in my heart.”

He is a myth in my heart!

So, we are both myths!

Warmed by this, & coffee,

I go on.        American Express

says:

“You owe us $1,906. Please

Pay
NOW
.”

I say,
sure!

(“Now” means “later”)

Somebody else sends a postcard (Bill).

He says,

“I am advertising your presence

at
YALE
, so please come!”

I say to Bill,

“Have Faith, old

brother!    I’ll be there

when you need me.”

In fact, I say that to everyone.

That is the truth,

& so,

I open a beautiful letter

from you. When we are both dead,

that letter

will be Part Two

of this poem.

But now we are both alive

& terrific!

The pregnant waitress

asks

“Would you like

some more coffee?”

Surprised out of the question

I wait        seconds        “Yes,

I think I would!” I hand her

my empty cup, &

“thank you!” she says. My pleasure.

Every day when the sun comes up

The angels emerge from the rivers

Drily happy & all wet. Easy going

But hard to keep my place. Easy

On the avenue underneath my face.

Difficult alone trying to get true.

Difficult inside alone with you.

The rivers’ blackness flowing just sits

Orange & reds blaze up inside the sky

I sit here & I’ve been thinking this

Red, blue, yellow, green, & white.

mind clicks into gear

& fingers clatter over the keyboard

as intricate insights stream

out of your head:

this goes on for ten hours:

then, take a break: clean

all desk drawers, arrange all

pens & pencils in precise parallel patterns;

stack all books with exactitude in one pile

to coincide perfectly with the right angle

of the desk’s corner.

Whistle thru ten more hours of

arcane insights:

drink a quart of ice-cold pepsi:

clean the ice-box:

past out for ten solid hours

interesting dreams.

2.

Finish papers, wax floors, lose weight, write songs, sing songs, have
conference, sculpt, wake up & think more clearly. Clear up asthma.

treat your obesity, avoid mild depression, decongest, cure your

narcolepsy,

treat your hyper-kinetic brain-damaged children. Open the

Pandora’s Box of amphetamine abuse.

3.

Stretch the emotional sine curve; follow euphoric peaks with descents

into troughs

that are unbearable wells of despair & depression. Become a ravaged

scarecrow.

Cock your emaciated body in

twisted postures                                                 grind your caved-in jaw

scratch your torn & pock-marked skin,

keep talking, endlessly.

4.

Jump off a roof on the lower East Side

or

Write a 453 page unintelligible book

5.

Dismantle 12 radios

string beads interminably

empty your purse

sit curled in a chair

& draw intricate designs

in the corner of an envelope

6.

“I felt it rush almost instantly into

my head like a short circuit. My body

began to pulsate, & grew tiny antennae

all quivering in anticipation. I began

to receive telepathic communication from

the people around me. I felt elated.”

7.

get pissed off.

Feel your tongue begin to shred,

lips to crack, the inside of the mouth

become eaten out. Itch all over. See

your fingernails flake off, hair & teeth

fall out.

Buy a Rolls-Royce

Become chief of the Mafia

Consider anti-matter.

8.

Notice that tiny bugs are crawling over your whole body