The Collected Short Stories (32 page)

Authors: Jeffrey Archer

BOOK: The Collected Short Stories

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Whenever I'm in New York, I always try to have dinner with an old friend of mine called Duncan McPherson. We are opposites, and so naturally we attract. In fact, Duncan and I have only one thing in common: We are both writers. But even then there's a difference, because Duncan specializes in screenplays, which he writes in the intervals between his occasional articles for
Newsweek
and
The New Yorker,
whereas I prefer novels and short stories.

One of the other differences between us is the fact that I have been married to the same woman for twenty-eight years, while Duncan seems to have a different girlfriend every time I visit New Yorkânot bad going, considering that I average at least a couple of trips a year. The girls are always attractive, lively, and bright, and there are various levels of intensityâdepending on what stage the relationship is at. In the past I've been around at the beginning (very physical) and in the middle (starting to cool off), but this trip was to be the first time I experienced an ending.

I phoned Duncan from my hotel on Fifth Avenue to let him know I was in town to promote my new novel, and he immediately asked me over for dinner the following evening. I assumed, as in the past, that it would be at his apartment. Another opposite: Unlike me, he's a quite superlative cook.

“I can't wait to see you,” he said. “I've come up with an idea for a novel at last, and I want to try the plot out on you.”

“Delighted,” I replied. “Look forward to hearing all about it tomorrow night. And may I ask â¦” I hesitated. “Christabel,” he said.

“Christabel,” I repeated, trying to recall if I had ever met her.

“But there's no need for you to remember anything about her,” he added. “Because she's about to be given the heave-ho, to use one of your English expressions. I've just met a new oneâKaren. She's absolutely sensational. You'll adore her.”

I didn't feel this was the appropriate moment to point out to Duncan that I had adored them all. I merely asked which one was likely to be joining us for dinner.

“Depends if Christabel has finished packing,” Duncan replied. “If she has, it will be Karen. We haven't slept together yet, and I'd been planning on that for tomorrow night. But since you're in town, it will have to be postponed.”

I laughed. “I could wait,” I assured him. “After all, I'm here for at least a week.”

“No, no. In any case, I must tell you about my idea for a novel. That's far more important. So why don't you come to my place tomorrow evening? Shall we say around seven-thirty?”

Before I left the hotel, I wrapped up a copy of my latest book, and wrote “Hope you enjoy it” on the outside.

Duncan lives in one of those apartment houses on Seventy-second and Park, and though I've been there many times, it always takes me a few minutes to locate the entrance to the building. And, like Duncan's girlfriends, the doorman seems to change with every trip.

The new doorman grunted when I gave my name, and directed me to the elevator on the far side of the hall. I slid the grille doors across and pressed the button for the fourteenth floor. It was one of those top floors that could not be described
as a penthouse even by the most imaginative of estate agents.

I pulled back the doors and stepped out onto the landing, rehearsing the appropriate smiles for Christabel (good-bye) and Karen (hello). As I walked toward Duncan's front door I could hear raised voicesâa very British expression, born of understatement; let's be frank and admit that they were screaming at each other at the tops of their lungs. I concluded that this had to be the end of Christabel, rather than the beginning of Karen.

I was already a few minutes late, so there was no turning back. I pressed the doorbell, and to my relief the voices immediately fell silent. Duncan opened the door, and although his cheeks were scarlet with rage, he still managed a casual grin. Which reminds me that I forgot to tell you about a few more oppositesâthe damn man has a mop of boyish dark curly hair, the rugged features of his Irish ancestors, and the build of a champion tennis player.

“Come on in,” he said. “This is Christabel, by the wayâif you hadn't already guessed.”

I'm not by nature a man who likes other people's castoffs, but I'm bound to confess I would have been happy to make Christabel the exception. She had an oval face, deep blue eyes, and an angelic smile. She was also graced with that fine fair hair that only the Nordic races are born with, and the type of figure that diet advertisements make their profits out of. She wore a cashmere sweater and tapered white jeans that left little to the imagination.

Christabel shook me by the hand, and apologized for looking a little scruffy. “I've been packing all afternoon,” she explained.

The proof of her labors was there for all to seeâthree large suitcases and two cardboard boxes full of books standing by the door. On the top of one of the boxes lay a copy of a Dorothy L. Sayers murder mystery with a torn red cover.

I was becoming acutely aware that I couldn't have chosen a worse evening for a reunion with my old friend. “I'm afraid we're going to have to eat out for a change,” Duncan
said. “It's beenâ” he paused “âa busy day. I haven't had a chance to visit the local store. Good thing, actually,” he added. “It'll give me more time to take you through the plot of my novel.”

“Congratulations,” Christabel said.

I turned to face her.

“
Your
novel,” she said. “Number one on the
New York Times
bestseller list, isn't it?”

“Yes, congratulations,” said Duncan. “I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, so don't tell me anything about it. It wasn't on sale in Bosnia,” he added with a laugh.

I handed him my little gift.

“Thank you,” he said, and placed it on the hall table. “I'll look forward to it.”

“I've read it,” said Christabel.

Duncan bit his lip. “Let's go,” he said, and was about to turn and say good-bye to Christabel when she asked me, “Would you mind if I joined you? I'm starving, and as Duncan said, there's absolutely nothing in the fridge.”

I could see that Duncan was about to protest, but by then Christabel had passed him, and was already in the corridor and heading for the elevator.

“We can walk to the restaurant,” Duncan said as we trundled down to the ground floor. “It's only Californians who need a car to take them one block.”

As we strolled west on Seventy-second Street, Duncan told me that he had chosen a fancy new French restaurant to take me to.

I began to protest, not just because I've never really cared for ornate French food, but I was also aware of Duncan's unpredictable pecuniary circumstances. Sometimes he was flush with money, at other times stone broke. I just hoped that he'd had an advance on the novel.

“No, like you, I normally wouldn't bother,” he said. “But it's just opened, and
The New York Times
gave it a rave review. In any case, whenever I'm in London, you always entertain me âright royally,'” he added, in what he imagined was an English accent.

It was one of those cool evenings that make walking in New York so pleasant, and I enjoyed the stroll, as Duncan began to tell me about his recent trip to Bosnia.

“You were lucky to catch me in New York,” he was saying. “I've just gotten back after being holed up in the damned place for three months.”

“Yes, I know. I read your article in
Newsweek
on the plane coming over,” I said, and went on to tell him how fascinated I had been by his evidence that a group of UN soldiers had set up their own underground network, and felt no scruples about operating an illegal black market in whatever country they were stationed.

“Yes, that's caused quite a stir at the UN,” said Duncan. “
The New York Times
and
The Washington Post
have both followed the story up with features on the main culpritsâbut without bothering to give me any credit for the original research, of course.”

I turned around to see if Christabel was still with us. She seemed to be deep in thought, and was lagging a few paces behind. I smiled a smile that I hoped said “I think Duncan's a fool and you're fantastic,” but I received no response.

After a few more yards I spotted a red-and-gold awning flapping in the breeze outside something called Le Manoir. My heart sank. I've always preferred simple food, and have long considered pretentious French cuisine to be one of the major cons of the eighties, and one that should have been passÃ©, if not part of culinary history, by the nineties.

Duncan led us down a short crazy-paving path through a heavy oak door and into a brightly lit restaurant. One look around the large, overdecorated room and my worst fears were confirmed. The maÃ®tre d' stepped forward and said, “Good evening, monsieur.”

“Good evening,” replied Duncan. “I have a table reserved in the name of McPherson.”

The maÃ®tre checked down a long list of reservations. “Ah, yes, a table for two.” Christabel pouted, but looked no less beautiful.

“Can we make it three?” my host asked rather halfheartedly.

“Of course, sir. Allow me to show you to your table.”

We were guided through a crowded room to a little alcove in the corner which had only been set for two.

One look at the tablecloth, the massive flowered plates with “Le Manoir” painted in crimson all over them, and the arrangement of lilies on the center of the table made me feel even more guilty about what I had let Duncan in for. A waiter dressed in a white open-neck shirt, black trousers, and black vest with “Le Manoir” embroidered in red on the breast pocket hurriedly supplied Christabel with a chair, while another deftly laid a place for her.

A third waiter appeared at Duncan's side and inquired if we would care for an apÃ©ritif. Christabel smiled sweetly and asked if she might have a glass of champagne. I requested some Evian water, and Duncan nodded that he would have the same.

For the next few minutes, while we waited for the menus to appear, we continued to discuss Duncan's trip to Bosnia, and the contrast between scraping one's food out of a billycan in a cold dugout accompanied by the sound of bullets, and dining off china plates in a warm restaurant, with a string quartet playing Schubert in the background.

Another waiter appeared at Duncan's side and handed us three pink menus the size of small posters. As I glanced down the list of dishes, Christabel whispered something to the waiter, who nodded and slipped quietly away.

I began to study the menu more carefully, unhappy to discover that this was one of those restaurants that allows only the host to have the bill of fare with the prices attached. I was trying to work out which would be the cheapest dishes, when another glass of champagne was placed at Christabel's side.

I decided that the clear soup was likely to be the least expensive starter, and that it would also help my feeble efforts to lose weight. The main courses had me more perplexed,
and with my limited knowledge of French I finally settled on duck, as I couldn't find any sign of
“Poulet.”

When the waiter returned moments later, he immediately spotted Christabel's empty glass, and asked, “Would you care for another glass of champagne, madame?”

“Yes, please,” she replied sweetly, as the maÃ®tre d'arrived to take our order. But first we had to suffer an ordeal that nowadays can be expected at every French restaurant in the world.

“Today our specialties are,” he began, in an accent that would not have impressed central casting, “for hors dâoeuvres
gelÃ©e de saumon sauvage et caviar impÃ©rial en aigre doux,
which is wild salmon slivers and imperial caviar in a delicate jelly with sour cream and zucchini drizzled with dill vinegar. Also we have
cuisses de grenouilles â¦ la purÃ©e d'herbes â¦ soupe, fricassÃ©e de chanterelles et racines de persil,
which are pan-fried frogs' legs in a parsley purÃ©e, fricassee of chanterelles and parsley roots. For the main course we have
escalope de turbot
, which is a poached fillet of turbot on a watercress purÃ©e, lemon sabayon, and a GewÃ¼rztraminer sauce. And, of course, everything that is on the menu can be recommended.”

I felt full even before he had finished the descriptions.

Christabel appeared to be studying the menu with due diligence. She pointed to one of the dishes, and the maÃ®tre smiled approvingly.

Duncan leaned across and asked if I had selected anything yet.

“Thank you, sir,” said the maÃ®tre. “How would you like the duck? Crispy, or perhaps a little underdone?”

“Crispy,” I replied, to his evident disapproval.

“And monsieur?” he asked, turning to Duncan.