The Color of Heaven - 09 - The Color of Time (6 page)

And so, together in his car at the curb outside my grandparents’ home, we plotted how we would each save up money to pool so he could fly back and forth to visit me in Montana during the school year.

That didn’t make it any easier, however, to say good-bye on Labor Day weekend. My grandmother drove me to see Ethan one last time and we met on the lawn in front of his parents’ Cape Elizabeth mansion overlooking the sea.

Still, I had never set foot inside the house. And though his parents weren’t home, Ethan couldn’t take me inside that day either because the housekeeper and cook were lurking about.

We kissed near the ancient stone sundial on his lawn, down by the water, and held each other as if the world were coming to an end.

He promised to love me forever.

Then, at long last, it was time for me to leave. With tears pouring down my cheeks, feeling a despair beyond any feasible measure, I ran to my grandmother’s car and didn’t let myself look back as we drove away, heading to the airport.

* * *

Billings, Montana

Autumn, 1998

After I returned to Montana, nothing was the same. I missed the sea and I hated the mountains. I lost interest in school work. That’s when I started running. Three miles a day, seven days a week. When I lost weight, my mother worried that I was depressed. She and Dad suggested that I tell Ethan not to come and visit. Maybe it would be less painful for us both if we stopped seeing each other. At least until next summer.

This made no sense to me. I refused to listen to such madness. I said no, and ran
five
miles that day.

Then, when we were halfway through the month of October and I was looking forward to Ethan’s first visit the following month, I realized that something was wrong. It occurred to me one Saturday morning when I woke up that I hadn’t had a period since I’d arrived home.

I sat bolt upright in bed, as fear sizzled through my veins at the thought of the worst possible scenario—that I might be pregnant.

Pregnant?

Oh God!

This initial reaction of panic and fear was followed by a confusing burst of joy, for if I was carrying Ethan’s baby—an adorable, sweet baby girl or boy—surely everyone would accept that it was our destiny to be together. Forever.

Maybe we could get married. I’d be seventeen soon. Surely I was old enough, and we loved each other desperately. Wasn’t that all that mattered?

But oh, God, how would I ever tell my parents?

Needing to know what my future held, I ran downstairs, hopped onto my bicycle, and peddled fast toward the pharmacy on the other side of town.

Most of the way, I prayed it wasn’t true. Everything would be so much simpler if I was just late, or if I’d simply skipped a period. It could happen.
Right?

Wearing dark sunglasses and my yellow bike helmet, I entered the store, found what I was looking for—an over-the-counter pregnancy test; the cheapest one—and approached the cashier to purchase it.

Later that morning, after I completed the test at home and finally managed to stop crying, I called Ethan to tell him the result.

Chapter Thirteen

“You’re
what
?” Ethan said on the other end of the line.

I cupped my hand over my mouth so no one in the house could hear me whisper it. “I’m pregnant.”

“
Jesus.
Are you sure? How late are you?”

“I don’t know, exactly, but I haven’t had a period since I got home. And the test I just took says that I am.”

“Can’t they be wrong sometimes?”

“I suppose,” I replied, “but I have a feeling, Ethan. I
know
I am.”

He was quiet for a long moment while my heart pounded with terror. What if he thought I’d done this on purpose, to trap him? What if he hated me? What if he never wanted to see me again?

Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of what lay ahead for us.

“What are we going to do?” I asked, covering my face with a hand. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Me neither,” Ethan said at last, in a resigned voice. “I thought we were being careful. We always used protection.”

“Except for that first time in the woods,” I reminded him.

“Yeah, but even then…” He stopped himself, unwilling to go into the particulars, I suppose. But he did
try
to be careful.

Ethan sighed heavily into the phone. “You can’t have it, Sylvie. You know that, right? You’re only sixteen and I just started school.”

Somehow I’d known that was what he would say, and a part of me was relieved. I hadn’t planned any of this, and it was a tempting solution—to imagine that the problem could simply disappear, as if it were just a dream and had never happened. Maybe my parents would never even have to find out.

Yet, another part of me couldn’t bear to imagine what Ethan was suggesting. It made no sense, but when I first realized I might be carrying his child, I’d felt a burst of excitement at the idea of it. I’d fantasized about holding that baby in my arms, changing its diaper, singing to it and rocking it to sleep.

“Are you there?” he asked when I offered no response.

“Yes, I’m here,” I softly said.

I heard noises in the background—other male students in the dorm, talking and laughing.

“Have you told anyone yet?” Ethan asked.

“No. You’re the first person I called.”

“Well,
don’t
tell anyone. Not even your parents. Not until we figure out what to do.”

“But I don’t know how I can keep it a secret,” I replied. “They’ll know something’s wrong. They’ll be able to tell.”

“Just try to act normal. Let me see what I can do from here.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I might be able to come up with the money. In cash.”

My stomach turned over with dread. “For an abortion?” I whispered, not sure I was keen on the idea.

“Yes. It’s the best option, Sylvie. You know it is.
God
, if my parents find out…” Ethan paused. “They’d never help us. My dad would probably disown me and cut me off, and then where would we be?”

“At least we’d have each other,” I suggested. “Not everyone has rich parents to support them. Most of us get by just fine on our own. You could come and live here and we could be together. And my parents would help us. I know they would. You could go to college here.”

“In Montana?”

“Yes,” I replied, hesitantly.

“How would I pay for it?” he asked with disbelief. “No. That can’t happen. Our lives would be totally screwed.
Forever
.”

My heart broke at the sound of that word on his lips—the word he’d spoken so many times in such a loving way.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. Honestly.”

He was quiet for a long time. Then at last he spoke.

“I know,” he replied in a gentle voice that comforted me. “It’s not your fault. I’m just in shock. We’ll figure this out. I promise.”

I let out a breath of relief. He was still my Ethan. He still loved me.

“I wish you were here,” I said. “I hate that we’re so far apart.”

“Me, too. If I could get on a plane right now, I would, but I can’t. Just give me some time, okay? I need to figure out what to do.”

“All right.” I took a deep breath and gazed out the window. “Can you call me tonight?”

“I will. And don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“I hope so.”

“It will.” He paused. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yes. I love you, too. More than anything.”

With that, we said good-bye, and somehow I managed to get through the rest of the day without revealing to my family that my world had just been turned upside down.

After supper, I waited by the phone for Ethan to call.

Chapter Fourteen

August 5, 2015

I woke with start on Gram’s living room sofa, sat up and rubbed my eyes. The fire was still blazing on the flat screen TV, and the dawn sky was growing bright outside the windows.

I picked up my phone to check the time. I had laid it on the coffee table the night before, and the battery was now dead. Swinging my legs to the floor, I rose from the sofa but stopped in my tracks when I noticed the front door was wide open.

With my heart suddenly burning with panic, I hurried to push it shut and turned the lock. “Gordon?” I called out, whirling around to look for him. “Are you here?”

I heard the familiar musical ping of the cat jumping onto the piano keys from the top of it. It was his favorite spot at the front parlor window. His paws hit the floor and he trotted toward me to rub up against my legs.

“Why was the door open?” I asked, bending to scoop him up into my arms. “Did someone come in the house?”

Or had I walked in my sleep? I used to sleepwalk often when I was a child, but I hadn’t done it in many years—at least not that I was aware of.

“Did you get out?” I asked Gordon. “I suppose you were outside chasing mice?”

He purred as I scratched behind his ears. Then I glanced around uneasily, wondering if someone had indeed come inside. Mrs. Cassidy perhaps? But that couldn’t be. She had given me her only key.

Tiptoeing quietly into the kitchen, I looked around for signs of an unexpected intruder or any other clues to suggest someone had been inside the house while I was asleep. With Gordon in my arms, I searched both floors from top to bottom, and even descended to the musty basement, but nothing seemed out of order or missing.

“Maybe I forgot to close the door all the way,” I said to Gordon as I put him down on the kitchen floor. “Maybe the wind blew it open.”

He continued to purr and rub up against my legs.

“Are you hungry?” I opened the refrigerator door and withdrew a carton of milk. I poured some in a saucer and watched him lap it up at my feet.

Then I glanced at my laptop on the table and recalled my research on lucid dreaming. I remembered trying to fall asleep with memories of Ethan, but I couldn’t seem to recall if I’d simply replayed everything in my mind before drifting off, or if I’d actually dreamed it. I was confused and muddled. It felt as if my brain were full of cotton.

On top of that, I was heartbroken all over again. As I recalled the tragic end to that incredible summer—and thought about what had happened the following year—I had to sit down and take a breath to steady my nerves.

Later, when I got in the shower, I was further unnerved when a narrow stream of dirt slid down the drain, which could only have come from the bottoms of my feet.

Chapter Fifteen

“Can I ask you a question, Gram?” I said as I rolled the bedside table toward her. “How’s the lock on your front door?”

She adjusted the tray to her liking and reached for the bowl of Jell-O. “What do you mean? Are you having trouble with it?”

“Not exactly, but when I woke up this morning the door was open, so I’m wondering if the latch is loose, or if I didn’t close it tightly enough last night.”

“Open!” she replied in shock. “You were upstairs sleeping the whole time?”

“I was on the sofa, actually. I fell asleep watching TV.” I decided not to mention that I had been staring at a fake fire and might have walked in my sleep out her front door. I still couldn’t explain it myself and wasn’t sure
what
had happened.

“Did Gordon get out?”

“I don’t know, but he was there, sitting in his favorite spot on top of the piano, at dawn when I woke up.”

“He thinks he’s a guard cat,” she informed me, “but he’s not. You’re lucky some crazed hoodlum didn’t walk in and try to steal my good silverware.”

“I doubt that’s what today’s hoodlums are looking for, Gram. They’d be more interested in that giant flat screen TV of yours.”

“And what would they do with it?” she demanded to know. “Lug it down the street?”

“Probably,” I laughed. “Thieves are bold these days.”

She nodded in agreement and finished eating her Jell-O.

“Can I ask you another question, Gram?”

“Of course, sweetheart.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap and tried to figure out what, exactly, I wanted to know.

“Do you know much about what happened after that first summer I spent with Ethan? I mean…did you ever talk to Mom and Dad about my…” I stopped, because I couldn’t bring myself to speak the word out loud.

Gram’s eyes lifted and she set her empty bowl on the tray. “Are you talking about your abortion?”

I inhaled deeply, relieved that she was willing to be blunt. “So you
did
know.”

She reached for my hand. “Yes, I knew. Your grandfather and I felt very guilty about it, since we were the ones responsible for you that summer. The whole thing was so hard on your parents.”

“It was hard on me, too.”

“I’m sure it was. You were young and I could see how much you loved Ethan. It’s a shame how it all turned out.”