The Color of Rain (12 page)

He frowns back. “You're so eager to be friendly. What happened to me waiting forever for you to want me?”

“Maybe I'm seeing how you are on the ship. Your status as captain,” I lie. I continue to smile, and he continues to frown. He fingers his belt in a
come hither
kind of way, but I lose my nerve and turn to the window.

Outside, the stars blaze. There's no sign of the strange ghostlike strings I saw before, just the pitch darkness with silver holes that gleam like Ben's strange eyes.

Below the window, I find an inscription:
AS SEAN IMREAS NA UAIGNEAS
.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“That's my father's doing. He loves dead languages and other such ridiculous things.” Johnny stands next to me, glaring down at the words. “It means: ‘Strife is greater than order.'”

“
Imreas
,” I read. “Is that the word for strife or order?”

His hand slips around my braid, tugging the waves loose until they're a scattered mess around my shoulders. “What do you think?”

Johnny's mood has soured. Whatever he might say, Johnny's father seems to have a hold on him that snakes right through to his soul.

“I need a drink.” He squeezes the back of my neck and leads me to a place called the Rainbow Bar. Colored lights dangle from the ceiling, casting a collage of shades over the tables and drinkers. All ages of passengers bow out of his way, clearing a space at the bar for him to sit and a spot next to him for me.

The bartender places two glasses of violet liquid before Johnny and me. “Drink it. I've never met a girl who doesn't like it.” I take a sip and my mouth fills with too-sweet syrup that tingles all the way to my belly. “It's drained from these strange birds on Entra.”

I pause. “It's made from their blood?”

“Extraordinary, yes?”

I put the glass down but keep my fingers around it. “Sure,” I choke out, knowing that I should be doing better.
Sexier
. I brush my hand along the edges of his leg.

Johnny scowls at it. “No forced affection, remember? Give me something real.” He leans in like he wants a kiss. I close my eyes and press my lips to his.

They're as hot as though he just breathed fire.

I pull away and find his fist constricting my hair. His mouth touches my ear as he whispers, “Pathetic, Rain. I had such hope for you, but maybe this arrangement isn't going to work after all.” He releases me. “Find your own way back.”

Johnny parts the crowd, leaving me to the scrutinizing eyes of every passenger in the bar. I lick the still warm feel of where his lips had burned against mine. Lo and Walker need me. I have to thrill Johnny in order to find them. And yet, as I sit beneath the colored lights, touching the exotic drink, I begin to sink with doubt. Maybe I don't have what it takes to seduce him.

But I do.

I force a sip of that purple liquid. That blood. Johnny was right; it's delicious. Sinful. And even though he's a pimp—a handsome devil—he's
my
handsome devil. I check the scarlet gleam of my beautiful silver bracelet. He chose me.

And now I want to prove myself for a reason that isn't my brother's or my best friend's safety. I want to prove myself to him because I can. I want to play his game.

I want to win.

I wander through the passenger levels of the ship for hours, looking for an elevator or stairs that might bring me to the crew deck to look for Lo. But
Imreas
is larger and more complicated than I imagined, and when I stop a crew member and ask about the crew deck, he takes a quick look at my bracelet and shakes his head.

“Only yellows down there.” He escorts me back to the Family
Room, and by then, I'm so hungry that I push past the green girls and choose a piece of bread with some kind of sugary spread.

Then I sit on my mat until long after the lights have dimmed and the other girls have quieted down, going carefully over my next steps. Perhaps I had been going about this all wrong; I was trying to figure out how to make myself want Johnny.

What I need is for Johnny to want me.

I think Lo would be proud, and in the silence, I miss my best friend's chatter. I picture the way she leans in to tell me something crazy, her eyes huge. She would have tips for handling Johnny. Warmth blooms in my belly as I wonder what it will feel like to press myself against him.

Will I like it? What if it's too obvious that I don't know what I'm doing?

The thoughts are embarrassing even in the dark by myself, so I turn to the window. A single asteroid rotates through the Void, and my missing of Lo turns to Walker.

“Don't scream.” Ben pulls back the veil which encloses my little area. I stand fast and make a fist, but he holds his palms out to stop me. “I just want to say that I swear what you saw in the shower room the other night . . . well, it wasn't what you really saw.”

“I don't want to know,” I lie. “If I know, I'm in more trouble, right?”

“Hell,” he says. “You're right. It'd be a lot easier to let you be afraid of me.”

“I'm still not afraid of you. Which is weird, I guess.” I pause to think over my words; they're startlingly true. “I'm only afraid of what you do for
him
.”

“What do you mean?” He takes a few steps closer, and I back into the window. “I'm sorry,” he adds. “I wouldn't hurt you. Not by choice.”

“I can try to believe that.” Silence fills the weird space between us, and he crosses his arms over his chest, making his shirt constrict around his forearms. “You could prove it to me. Give me that favor you owe me. I need to see my brother. Like now.”

“I can't take you until Johnny gives the clear. Not until you and he . . .” He grimaces. “He's given me strict orders. Not until after.”

“That freaky bastard!”

“
Shhh!
Keep it down.” He glances at his com. “Always assume there are security cameras everywhere.”

“The security system that you fixed.” My tone reveals my doubt.

Ben looks at me strangely. “I forgot you were there for that. Yeah, I fixed it.”

“So . . .” I look around. “We're on camera now?”

He opens his mouth, but then closes it. “Always assume there are cameras,” he repeats. “Unless I tell you otherwise. I shouldn't even be talking to you right now, but I turned them off. I wanted to explain about the other night.”

“But you haven't explained. You've pretty much just told me that you can't explain.” I pause. “Who's side are you on?”

“There are no sides. It's every man for himself in the Void. You do what you have to do to survive. You take what you want. Even Johnny lives by that rule.” He pauses. “Especially Johnny.”

I touch my hair, still so smooth and clean from my bath with Lo. “He found me on purpose because of my hair.” I drop my
hands to my sides. “But how? Did he just ask around until he heard that there was a ginger hanging around the pier?”

Ben nods. “He's made you into a weird challenge. I've never seen him do this before.”

I pinch my leg. “And I've gone right along with it.”

“Yeah, but he didn't know about your brother. About your insistence on bringing him along. Believe me, that was not in his plans.”

“Will he hurt him?”

Ben rubs the back of his neck. “Rain, if you want to best Johnny, you can't play by his rules. They're already fixed against you.”

“Ben, will he hurt my brother?”

He shrugs. “If he doesn't get what he wants, he can be pretty unpredictable.”

I take a step closer. “What about Lo? And Kaya? Are they on the crew deck? Why haven't I been able to contact them?” He shakes his head, and I snip, “You don't know or you can't tell me?”

He shakes his head again and begins to back away. “Remember what I said about the cameras.”

“Ben,” I say, trying to bait him. “I think it's safe to assume that you're not on his side.”

He shakes his head a third time. “It isn't safe to assume anything, Rain.”

I will not react. I will act.

I will change the game.

I repeat this mantra through the next day, all determination and a little excitement. And after all, it isn't hard to slip into the captain's quarters. It isn't hard to strip off my clothes.

The hard part is waiting.

I twirl my scarlet-rimmed bracelet. It couldn't be a worse color, so carnal. So damning. And still, I need him to want me. To go crazy with wanting me. My hands feel numb, and I rub my fingers together. Is it cold or nerves? What will I have to do with my hands?

Will I bleed?

I can handle the pain, I think, but what if he expects me to know what I'm doing? To touch his body and give him . . . pleasure? Other than seeing Lo at her business from a distance, I don't know how I should lean or rock or moan. She made it look so easy, but what's easy about letting someone inside you?

I start to breathe too hard and slump into a naked heap of anxiety. He can't find me like this. He'll know in a second that I'm still forcing it.

My thighs shake as I get back to my feet. I bury every feeling except for the stars outside the window, watching a distant planet with orange highlights: a lava planet. I blow on the glass and draw a
W
in the fog.

The door opens, and I swipe the letter away with my forearm.

“Full of surprises.” Even Johnny's voice smirks. Within heartbeats, he's standing behind me, his hands slipping over my shoulders, my arms, my chest. “This is not really what I had in mind. Are you forgoing the romance? The long talks and teasing caresses?”

I clear my throat. “I want to see if
you
can play.”

“Oh, Rain.” His tone makes things shrink inside me like they're being singed at the edges. “I'm game.”

He unbuttons his shirt. Slides out of his pants. “To the bed?”

“No. Right here.”

His chuckle is joyful, and I clench my teeth and squeeze my eyes against it. He wraps an arm around my waist and braces me against the window. His body is so firm—I wait for the warmth from within that I felt before, but it doesn't come.

Be soft!

“I don't know what to do.” My heart
slams
in my paper-thin chest. “You have to show me.” He doesn't say anything, and I grip the window ledge, my fingernails throbbing as they grind the metal. “You're going to have to help me.”

Why won't he answer?

“Johnny.”

“Shhh,” he says. “First rule, you don't have sex with your head turned on. Actually, that's the only rule.”

I believe him. Maybe I have to. I give in to his kissing and pressing. My legs relax so terribly slowly . . . like ice thawing against his heat.

I am here. And this is . . .

Pain streaks up from my insides, clawing all the way to my mind.

Happening
.