The Color of Silence (19 page)

Chapter 40

“Joanie? It's me. I don't know if you can even hear me or not. Maybe that's a good thing. Anyway, since we can't use the computer today, I thought I'd just bore you a bit. Talk about myself. Just in case you're interested.”

She stops for a second, and I wish I could tell her to keep going. I can hear her and I'm very interested!

“Anyway, you know my name is Alexandra Taylor. Alex. Lexi. Depending on who you talk to. I'm seventeen years old, which makes me the same age as you, I think. Maybe you already know that too. This is harder than I thought. I'm starting to bore myself already.”

She isn't boring me, even though I already knew two of her names and how old she is. I haven't heard Lexi before. It's pretty. Like her. I wonder who calls her that?

Everyone just calls me Joanie even though I know my name is Joan.

I am so amazed that there are some details coming out of her that I'm afraid to breathe in case she stops! Which is kind of a funny thought, because everyone around here has been working so hard to keep me breathing.

“OK. Um…I used to go to a pretty cool school, where
I was in the vocal music program. The Performing Arts School over on Mill Street. I've always really wanted to be a singer—a performer—which is kind of weird, I guess, because I've always been pretty quiet and serious. Kind of shy. I don't know. Until I met Cali, I was a bit of a loner. She was my best friend. She was loud and totally crazy, but in a fun way. She liked to boss me around and get me into trouble. My whole life got flipped upside down when
she
showed up. I remember this one time…”

Alexandra talks and talks, painting me a picture of her life.
I can't believe that so many words are coming out of her mouth.
I knew she had them all tucked away inside of her, but I had started to think that I was never going to hear them. Now I'm afraid that I won't be able to remember them all. The clouds that have kept me in darkness recently have cleared a little today, but my mind is still rather soft and fuzzy, and I'm not sure that anything will stick.

I'm pretty sure that everyone thinks that I am asleep all of the time, but I'm not. They talk around me instead of to me these days. As if they don't think I'm here anymore.

I am asleep some of the time. Maybe a lot of the time.
But sometimes I'm not. It's just that my eyes can't seem to keep up with my mind, and they stay closed when I want them to open. I can't tell anyone anything without my eyes.

I've been wondering if anyone knows I'm still in here.

But Alexandra knows I'm here.

“So, Cali was so shocked that I had never had a detention that she decides to get me in trouble so that I can experience one. Seriously! She starts poking me during a math test, and the teacher catches me telling her to stop. I was so mad at her, I could have…anyway, I was really mad, but she just laughed at me. I don't know why, but I never could stay mad at her for long. Even when she deserved it.”

Most of her talking is about her friend Cali, who sounds like a very interesting girl. I need to really listen because I want to learn about being friends at our age. I wonder where Cali is now? Alexandra talks about her in yesterday tones, as if she is no longer her friend. Maybe she moved away.

“I mean, she did lots of good stuff for me, too—introduced me to people, helped with my singing. Her voice was always so much better than mine, and she never even practiced. She was going to help me get ready for my recital last year after that stupid party…”

The room suddenly empties of her sounds. I want her to keep talking. I am afraid the quiet will turn my brain off and I will fall asleep for real and she will go away. I want to stay awake. I am hoping that my eyes will figure out how to open if I stay awake long enough this time.

Her silence continues the way it used to do, filling the room in a way her words can't. I wish she would start talking again. I am learning so much about who she is, not just from her words but from her voice when she speaks of her life. I'm trying to figure out how she really feels about Cali. One second she sounds like she loves her and the next she sounds like Cali totally frustrates her. Is that friendship, I wonder?

Sounds a bit like Debbie and me. Maybe we were more than just roommates after all!

“That stupid party. It was a stupid party, you know? We didn't have to go to it. But we went. I wish I'd stayed home.
It would be all different if I'd stayed home. Probably. Maybe…”

Her voice fades away to a whispered sadness, and I wait, wondering if she is going to start talking to me again…hoping she is.

“I guess I'll never know. I guess all I know is she's gone now. She died in a car accident the night of the party. I was with her in the car, but I wasn't hurt. Not really. Not my body.”

How sad that her friend died. I wonder if Alex's heart broke and if that's what made her words go away for so long?

My eyes have finally realized that I'm awake, and for the first time in more days than I can remember, it feels like I can actually push my lids apart so I can see. I concentrate every bit of energy I still have on getting my eyes open so that Alexandra can see me—so that she knows I'm here and listening to her and that I want to keep on listening to her tell me who she is.

I finally get them open, but I can't see her. The room seems overly bright to me, and I try to focus on my rainbow for a second so that the colors will help diffuse the light.

“Hey—you're awake! That's great. I hope you didn't find the details of my life too depressing. I just—never mind, I should go get someone!”

I pull my eyes away and try to shift them to look toward her, but by the time I manage to do it, her drum beats have danced full speed out of my room and into the hall.

I'm sorry she's gone to get someone. I don't think she'll talk to me with someone else in the room.

I want to know who she is. I don't think her details are depressing.

They are interesting. They are colo
r
ful and also a little bit sad.

They're Alexandra.

I wish she didn't run out like that. My eyelids are so heavy that I can't stop them from covering my eyes again.

I want to see her again.

I want her to see me.

The clouds come rushing back into me, covering my eyes and my mind until it's so dark that all of my colors disappear.

Chapter 41

“Honey?” My dad's voice climbs the stairs. I haven't really talked to him at all since I came home yesterday. I've been basically hiding in my room. Again.

Hiding from death.

Again.

Patrick tried to act all hopeful when I told him Joanie's eyes were open, but by the time he came into the room, they were tightly shut again. Everything about her seemed tightly shut.

Patrick told me all we can do is to try and keep her comfortable.

Whatever that means.

Then he just touched her on the cheek and looked over at me. His eyes told me more than any number of words could.

It only takes three.

Joanie is dying.

Some people get through most of their life without having anyone they know die. They get to grow up without having to know what it's like to completely and totally lose someone you care about.

Why do I have to go through this again? First my mother, who died on me before I even got a chance to remember her properly, to remember loving her. My aunt once told me I was lucky to have lost her so young because I didn't really have to go through the pain that comes along with losing someone.

What about the pain of never really knowing you had someone in the first place?

Death doesn't care about love. It just comes in and takes whoever it wants. Death isn't about losing someone. When you lose something, usually there's a chance that you might find it again. Death is nothing but a thief, and when it steals someone away from you, that's it.

First my mom. Then Cali.

And now Joanie. We are supposed to keep her comfortable until death sneaks into her room some day and takes her away.

Joanie is
dying.

I don't want to talk to my dad right now. I don't want to talk to anyone.

“Alex?” His voice is right outside my door now.

“Yes.”

“I was just wondering if you were home. No hospital today?” He opens the door without asking.

“No. Not today. She's too sick. Again.” My voice quivers a little, and I shake my head without looking at him.

“You sound worried.” He says it hesitantly, not sure if this is a conversation we're allowed to have.

“No,” I start to lie to him. I start to say “no, why would
I be worried?” but the rest of the sentence won't come out of my mouth. I shrug my shoulders and try again.

“Yes.”

“She's very ill?” I nod my head without answering.

“That's too bad.” He comes a few steps into my room.

“Yeah, she's got enough to deal with without this.”

“I meant too bad for you. I was getting the idea that you like going there. That you like her.” I look at him, a little surprised.
I don't really talk to him much about Joanie or the hospital.
I didn't even tell him I went there yesterday.

“Yeah, she's pretty cool.” My voice shakes again, and I try to clear my throat to get it under control.

“Well, I hope she's well enough to see you soon.”

I shake my head, biting my lip. My eyes are stinging and
I rub my hand across them and down my face to try and get myself under control.

“Oh. I see. Alex…” My name ends on a sigh as he comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder.

“It's OK. I'm fine. Everybody dies, right?” The bed moves as he sits down behind me. His hand is still on my shoulder. I shrug a little, but it doesn't move.

“I'm sorry, honey.”

“Why are you sorry? You don't even know her!”

“I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry you're going to lose another friend.”

“
Lose
another friend? I'm not losing her. I can't go on a treasure hunt and find her again. She's dying. And I didn't lose Cali. I
killed
her.”

“Alex. You didn't…”

“I know what you're going to say, Dad, but you just don't know! I should have stopped her, taken the keys away when I had the chance—or driven the car myself, or stayed with her in the first place so she didn't take the stupid keys.” My throat is starting to close up, and my eyes are beginning to burn. I shouldn't have said anything. I do know what he's going to say.

“Maybe.”

“What?” That's not what I thought he was going to say.

“Do you know that you wouldn't have had the same problems on that dark road?”

A flash of colorless sound crashes into my head. Gravel flying. Cali screaming. Me silent.

I didn't know what to do.

Would I have known what to do if I was driving? Would it have mattered?

“Even if I had the same problems, at least Cali wouldn't be the one who's dead.”

“You can't be sure of that.”

“I'm not sure of anything.”

“Maybe you should have done things differently. And maybe that would have made everything turn out differently. But you'll never know. You didn't take Matt's keys. And you tried to convince Cali not to drive—”

“Don't blame Cali! She didn't take his keys either!”

“It's not about blaming anyone. Alex, honey, it's over. Cali is gone. And you're here. And I know you wish you could go back and make it all OK. Cali's parents feel the same way. Her mother told me that she blames herself for letting Cali go to the party. She believes she should never have let her go to a house in a strange neighborhood with people she didn't know. She wishes she could go back in time and tell Cali she couldn't go.”

I look at him, totally confused. Cali's mother blames
herself
? Not me?

“I should talk to her. She should know it wasn't her fault. It was mine!”

“I know you believe that. When someone dies like that, it's hard not to look for someone to blame, even if it's yourself.” He pauses for a second and rubs his eyes. “You know, I felt that way when your mother died.”

“Mom died because she was sick. Cancer—right? You didn't do anything wrong.”

“I know that—now, most of the time anyway. But I was full of guilt for a long time. She had been so tired for so long, and
I wasn't paying close enough attention. I just thought she was worn out from trying to work and be a full-time mom at the same time.”

“I still don't see how her dying was your fault.”

“I
could see it. I couldn't stop thinking that I would have noticed her illness sooner if I had been paying more attention.
I should have made her go to the doctor so we could have caught the cancer in time for treatment to work. I just
knew
it was my fault…” He stops talking and rubs his hand over his eyes. He looks so sad that I feel like I'm going to cry. He looks at me and shakes his head, shrugging his shoulders. I reach out and touch his hand, just a little. He gives me kind of a shaky smile and strokes my cheek. Just a little.

“I used to think about it all the time—imagining that I did things differently, imagining what our lives would be like if she was still alive today. I dreamt about it at night, thought about it all day. Until I realized that I was hurting your mother's memory.”

“Hurting her memory? I don't understand.”

“Before she died, she told me that she didn't want me to dwell on the sad things or to blame myself. She wanted me to think about all of the wonderful things we shared. Like you. She loved you so very much. She wanted me to get on with life and to remember her with a smile so that I could be a good father for you. And maybe give you a little bit of her along the way. I'm not always sure I managed to do that, though.” His eyes go dark for a second, as if he's looking inside so I won't see what he means. But I see it. I know he's hurting because of me now, instead of my mother.

“You did great, Dad. I'm the one who messed up.” He sighs quietly and puts both his hands on my shoulders.

“I know you believe that. And I agree that you could have done some things differently. And Cali's parents could have done things differently. And Cali could have done things differently. And where your mother's concerned, I could have done things differently. And that maybe that would have made everything OK. But none of us can change any of it now. We all just have to go on and do our best to live our lives.”

“How? How can I just go on and live my stupid life when Cali can't?”

“Because you have no choice. And because she would have wanted you to.”

“How do you know that?”

“I don't. But you tell me. Would Cali want you to hide in your room? She used to do everything she could to get you out of here and into the real world to have some fun.”

“I love you, Lexi. You know that? Come on. It'll be fun. I'm the only thing keeping you from hiding in your room, and you know it.”

The words pop into my head, loud and full of life, scraping across my mind with painful memories. I don't want to remember. It hurts too much.

“I never even got a chance to say good-bye. She was just gone.” I don't even know why I said that. What difference would that make?

“There are all different ways to say good-bye. Cali knew you loved her, Alex.”

He gets up and walks over to the door, looking back at me for a second. I'm just staring at him, trying to take in everything that's been said.

“I love you, Alex. Your mom does too. And so does Cali. Always and forever. Just remember that, OK?”

He smiles, just a little, and leaves quickly so he can hold onto the last word.

“Love you.” I whisper it into the air in front of me.

No one hears it but me.

I'm not even sure who I'm saying it to.