The Comedy of Errors (5 page)

Here comes the
almanac of my true date.
⁴¹
—

What now? How chance thou art returned so soon?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Returned so soon? Rather approached too late:

The
capon
⁴⁴
burns, the pig falls from the spit,

The clock hath strucken twelve upon the bell,

My mistress
made it one
⁴⁶
upon my cheek.

She is so
hot
⁴⁷
because the meat is cold,

The meat is cold because you come not home,

You come not home because you have no
stomach
⁴⁹
,

You have no stomach having
broke your fast
⁵⁰
:

But we that know what ’tis to
fast and pray
⁵¹

Are
penitent
for your
default
⁵²
today.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    
Stop in your wind
⁵³
, sir. Tell me this, I pray:

Where have you left the money that I gave you?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    O, sixpence that I had
o’
⁵⁵
Wednesday last

To pay the saddler for my mistress’
crupper?
⁵⁶

The saddler had it, sir, I kept it not.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    I am not in a
sportive
⁵⁸
humour now:

Tell me, and dally not, where is the money?

We being strangers here, how dar’st thou trust

So great a
charge
from thine own custody?
⁶¹

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    I pray you jest, sir, as you sit at dinner.

I from my mistress come to you in
post
⁶³
,

If I return I shall be
post
⁶⁴
indeed,

For she will
score
your fault upon my
pate.
⁶⁵

Methinks your
maw
⁶⁶
, like mine, should be your clock,

And strike you home without a messenger.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Come, Dromio, come, these jests are
out of season
⁶⁸
,

Reserve them till a merrier hour than this.

Where is the gold I gave in charge to thee?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
To me, sir? Why, you gave no gold to me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Come on, sir knave,
have done
⁷²
your foolishness,

And tell me how thou hast disposed thy
charge.
⁷³

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
My charge was but to fetch you from the mart

Home to your house,
the Phoenix
⁷⁵
, sir, to dinner;

My mistress and her sister
stays
⁷⁶
for you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Now as I am a Christian, answer me,

In what safe place you have bestowed my money,

Or I shall break that merry
sconce
⁷⁹
of yours

That
stands
on tricks when I am
undisposed.
⁸⁰

Where is the thousand marks thou hadst of me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I have some marks of yours upon my pate,

Some of my mistress’ marks upon my shoulders,

But not a thousand marks between you both.

If I should pay your worship
those
⁸⁵
again,

Perchance you will not bear them patiently.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Thy mistress’ marks? What mistress, slave, hast thou?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Your worship’s wife, my mistress at the Phoenix;

She that doth fast till you come home to dinner,

And prays that you will
hie
⁹⁰
you home to dinner.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    What, wilt thou flout me thus unto my face

Being forbid? There, take you that, sir knave.

Beats Dromio

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    What mean you, sir? For God’s sake, hold your hands:

Nay,
an
you will not, sir, I’ll
take
⁹⁴
my heels.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Upon my life, by some
device
⁹⁵
or other

The villain is
o’er-raught
⁹⁶
of all my money.

They say this town is full of
cozenage
⁹⁷
,

As
nimble
jugglers
⁹⁸
that deceive the eye,

Dark-working
⁹⁹
sorcerers that change the mind,

Soul-killing witches that
deform
¹⁰⁰
the body,

Disguisèd cheaters,
prating mountebanks
¹⁰¹
,

And many suchlike
liberties of sin.
¹⁰²

If it prove so, I will be gone the sooner.

I’ll to the Centaur to go seek this slave.

I greatly fear my money is not safe.

ADRIANA
    Neither my husband nor the
slave
²
returned,

That in such haste I sent to seek his master?

Sure
³
, Luciana, it is two o’clock.

LUCIANA
    Perhaps some merchant hath invited him,

And from the mart he’s somewhere gone to dinner.

Good sister, let us dine and never fret;

A man is master of his liberty:

Time is their master, and when they
see time
⁸
,

They’ll go or come; if so, be patient, sister.

ADRIANA
    Why should their liberty than ours be more?

LUCIANA
    Because their business
still
¹¹
lies out o’door.

ADRIANA
    Look,
when
I
serve
him so, he takes it
ill.
¹²

LUCIANA
    O, know he is the bridle of your will.

ADRIANA
    There’s none but asses will be bridled so.

LUCIANA
    Why, headstrong liberty is
lashed
¹⁵
with woe.

There’s nothing
situate
¹⁶
under heaven’s eye

But hath his
bound
¹⁷
, in earth, in sea, in sky.

The beasts, the fishes and the wingèd fowls

Are their males’ subjects and
at their controls.
¹⁹

Man,
more divine
²⁰
, the master of all these,

Lord of the wide world and wild wat’ry seas,

Indued with intellectual sense and souls,

Of more pre-eminence than fish and fowls,

Are masters to their females, and their lords:

Then let your will
attend on their accords.
²⁵

ADRIANA
    This servitude makes you to keep unwed.

LUCIANA
    Not this, but troubles of the marriage bed.

ADRIANA
    But, were you wedded, you would
bear some sway.
²⁸

LUCIANA
    Ere I learn love, I’ll practise to obey.

ADRIANA
    How if your husband
start some other where?
³⁰

LUCIANA
    Till he come home again, I would
forbear.
³¹

ADRIANA
    Patience unmoved!
No marvel though she pause
³²
,

They can be meek that have no
other cause.
³³

A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,

We bid be quiet when we hear it cry.

But were we burdened with
like
³⁶
weight of pain,

As much or more we should ourselves complain.

So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee,

With urging
helpless
³⁹
patience would relieve me,

But if thou live to see
like right bereft
⁴⁰
,

This
fool-begged
patience in thee will be
left.
⁴¹

LUCIANA
    Well, I will marry one day,
but to try.
⁴²

Here comes your man, now is your husband nigh.

ADRIANA
    Say, is your tardy master now at hand?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Nay, he’s at two hands with me, and that my

two ears
⁴⁶
can witness.

ADRIANA
    Say, didst thou speak with him? Know’st thou his

mind?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Ay, ay, he
told
⁴⁹
his mind upon mine ear.

Beshrew
⁵⁰
his hand, I scarce could understand it.

LUCIANA
    Spake he so
doubtfully
⁵¹
thou couldst not feel his

meaning?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well feel

his blows, and withal so doubtfully that I could scarce

understand
⁵⁵
them.

ADRIANA
    But say, I prithee, is he coming home?

It seems he hath great care to please his wife.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Why, mistress, sure my master is
horn-mad.
⁵⁸

ADRIANA
    Horn-mad, thou villain?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    I mean not
cuckold-mad
⁶⁰
, but sure he is stark mad:

When I desired him to come home to dinner,

He asked me for a thousand marks in gold.

‘ ’Tis dinner-time,’ quoth I, ‘My gold!’ quoth he.

‘Your meat doth burn,’ quoth I, ‘My gold!’ quoth he.

‘Will you come home?’ quoth I, ‘My gold!’ quoth he.

‘Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?’

‘The pig,’ quoth I, ‘is burned.’ ‘My gold!’ quoth he.

‘My mistress, sir,’ quoth I. ‘
Hang up
⁶⁸
thy mistress!

I know not thy mistress,
out on
⁶⁹
thy mistress!’

LUCIANA
    Quoth who?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Quoth my master:

‘I know,’ quoth he, ‘no house, no wife, no mistress.’

So that
my errand, due unto my tongue
⁷³
,

I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders,

For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.

ADRIANA
    Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Go back again, and be
new
⁷⁷
beaten home?

For God’s sake, send some other messenger.

ADRIANA
    Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    And he will
bless
⁸⁰
that cross with other beating:

Between you I shall have a
holy
⁸¹
head.

ADRIANA
    Hence, prating
peasant
⁸²
, fetch thy master home.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Am I so
round
⁸³
with you as you with me,

That like a football you do
spurn
⁸⁴
me thus?

You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:

If I
last
in this service, you must case me in
leather.
⁸⁶

LUCIANA
    Fie, how impatience
loureth
⁸⁷
in your face!

To Adriana

ADRIANA
    
His
company must
do his minions grace
⁸⁸
,

Whilst I at home starve for a merry look.

Hath
homely
⁹⁰
age th’alluring beauty took

From my poor cheek? Then he hath
wasted
⁹¹
it.

Are my
discourses
dull? Barren my
wit?
⁹²

If
voluble
and sharp discourse be
marred
⁹³
,

Unkindness blunts it more
than marble hard.
⁹⁴

Do
their
gay vestments
his affections
bait?
⁹⁵

That’s not my fault, he’s master of my
state.
⁹⁶

What ruins are in me that can be found,

By him not ruined?
Then is he the
ground
⁹⁸

Of my
defeatures.
My decayèd
fair
⁹⁹
,

A sunny look of his would soon repair.

But, too unruly
deer
, he breaks the
pale
¹⁰¹

And
feeds from home
; poor I am but his
stale.
¹⁰²

LUCIANA
    Self-harming jealousy! Fie, beat it hence.

ADRIANA
    
Unfeeling fools
¹⁰⁴
can with such wrongs dispense.

I know his eye
doth homage otherwhere
¹⁰⁵
,

Or else what
lets
¹⁰⁶
it but he would be here?

Sister, you know he promised me a chain,

Would that alone, a love he would detain
¹⁰⁸
,

So
he would
keep fair quarter with his bed
¹⁰⁹
:

I see the
jewel best enamellèd
¹¹⁰

Will lose his beauty, yet the gold
bides still
¹¹¹

That others
touch
¹¹²
, and often touching will

Wear
gold, and no man that hath a
name
¹¹³
,

By falsehood and corruption doth it shame.

Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,

I’ll weep what’s left away, and weeping die.

LUCIANA
    How many
fond
¹¹⁷
fools serve mad jealousy?