The Comfort of Lies (22 page)

“Get the hell away from my family, and me!” Juliette would yell. “What do you want? If you have anything to say, say it to my lawyer.”

“Did you mean anything you said?” Caroline asked. “When I was at your shop, were you telling the truth about having a friend who’d adopted her children?”

“That was true. I do have a friend whose kids are adopted, and she had a difficult time admitting to any moment of not loving motherhood.”

Caroline’s nod at Juliette’s answer seemed doubtful.

“What are you looking for?” Caroline asked. “Did your husband send you?”

Juliette tried to imagine Nathan sending her on a mission like this. “No. When you came to my shop, he didn’t even know about your daughter.”

“But he knows now?”

“Yes. Now he knows.”

“And he knew nothing about Savannah?”

“He knew about the pregnancy, but nothing after. At least, that’s what he told me.”

“Told you when?”

Juliette found it a bizarre relief to talk to Caroline; too many secrets knocked around Juliette’s head. One day Max would say he wanted toast, and Juliette would spill out, “You have a half sister, Max, so please, would you stop whining about toast!”

She told almost everything, censoring only the parts that made her sound crazy. Like stalking Tia and carrying Savannah’s picture everywhere she went.

“You haven’t spoken with your husband about this since you confronted him?” Caroline asked when Juliette’s torrent of words finally stopped.

“No.”

“Why are you here? What do you want from me?”

“This will sound false, disingenuous, but honestly, I’m not sure.”

“I’ve always thought when someone said ‘honestly’ in a sentence, they were lying, or at the very least, suspect. Are you?”

“Lying or suspect?” Juliette asked.

“Either.”

“I’m not lying. I don’t know what I want. But maybe I am suspect, because there are things running through my head which you may not like.”

“Such as what?”

“Such as thinking Savannah should somehow know my family. She has wonderful grandparents who’d give an arm and a leg to hold her. Nathan is their only child, and they’ve done everything possible for our sons since they were born. I think of that each time I look at her picture.”

Caroline sat so straight that there might have been rods inserted in her back. “Savannah already has wonderful grandparents who love her.”

“Of course.” Juliette realized she’d revealed too much. “Please, please don’t think I’m suggesting that I expect anything from you or your family.”

Caroline laced her fingers and brought her knotted fists to her chest. “Something drove you here. Like something drove you to have to meet Savannah and me. Either you aren’t sure what it is or you aren’t telling me the truth. Which is it?”

Juliette was sorry she’d come.

“Are you trying to get Savannah?” Caroline leaned forward like a hawk studying a hummingbird. “You and your husband?”

“God, no! Nathan would go insane if he even knew I was here.”

“Then what is it you want?”

“I . . . ” Juliette wondered what to say, what was her truth? “I love my husband,” she said.

“Love brings you here?” Caroline crossed her arms over her chest.

“No. Of course not. That sounds crazy.”

Caroline tipped her head to the side. “You want to tie yourself to her.” She spoke slowly, analyzing Juliette in a manner that made her want to run away. “What are you looking for?”

Exhaustion overcame Juliette. She had to go home. Climb into bed. “Honestly? I simply don’t know.”

CHAPTER 19

Juliette

Juliette’s heels clicked as she paced outside the restaurant, watching for Nathan’s car, each tap another impatient demand to see him arrive.

After leaving Caroline, she’d driven back to the shop and almost hidden away to keep from confessing to Gwynne that she’d met with Caroline. Disaster watcher Gwynne would be alert to all the possible problems Juliette might have wrought with her visit. Lawsuits! Restraining orders! End of marriage! Gwynne lived each day waiting for something awful to happen. Juliette swore that her friend kept a pressed black dress ready for funerals at all times.

Caroline had asked her what she wanted. Juliette hadn’t lied when she said she didn’t know. She knew it was wrong that Nathan’s daughter was out there and they didn’t know her, and yet it also drove her crazy that Nathan might get to know her.

What if Nathan had come to her when he’d found out that Tia was pregnant? Would she have opened her heart to the baby?

Juliette had picked this restaurant for its stuffy atmosphere, hoping the mahogany-lined walls and deep carpet might muffle Nathan’s expected outburst. He arrived noticeably nervous, looking hopeful and dressed for an occasion. Like perhaps this was to be their fresh start—the one for which he kept asking.

 • • • 

“
Have you gone completely nuts?
” Nathan dropped his fork on his plate, the clink enough of a disturbance to attract the attention of the diners at the next table. “You went to see the child’s mother?”

“Nathan, we can’t close our eyes to the situation.”

“There is no situation. The child has a mother and a father—and from what you’ve said, damned good ones.”

“No. Something is wrong, I can feel it.”

“A doctor and a businessman living in Dover? Money? Education? What’s their sin? Are they secret child molesters?”

“Don’t even joke about that.”

The busboy came over to clear their salad plates. The three of them played the game of civilized folk as the young man brushed crumbs from the white tablecloth.

The overly hair-gelled waiter placed a steak before Nathan and gave Juliette her salmon. She’d refused the potatoes, hoping the sacrifice would bring her luck.

If she took just one of Nathan’s steak fries, would the spell break? Would the luck fairy give a damn about one fry?

The waiter left. Juliette dug into her green beans.

“I’m sorry,” Nathan said. “You’re right. I shouldn’t joke about this.”

She would never eat potatoes again.

“It’s just that I’m confused. Hell, confused doesn’t even begin to encompass what I’m feeling.” Nathan opened his hands in a gesture that implored her to listen. “I love you. I love the boys. I love our family.”

“I know. Even as I wonder how you could, how you could do what you did, I know you love us.” Juliette cut off a piece of salmon with her fork. “I simply don’t know if I can trust you. Not if you could keep such a major thing like . . . like a child from me.” How did one even describe a relationship such as the one he’d never shared? A pregnancy? A daughter?

“I want to rebuild your trust.”

“You can start by talking about Savannah.”

“How will that help?” Nathan dipped a steak fry in a pool of ketchup. “This is about us.”

“And she is connected to us.”

“I just don’t see how.”

Again, he made his pleading hands, only this time a fry swung from one. Juliette snatched it from his hand and shoved it into her mouth.

This man was unhinging her.

“Take whatever you want.” Nathan pushed his plate toward her.

“See, see, that’s what I mean.”

“What? You wanted it, right?”

“You’re always offering the wrong thing.”

Nathan looked confused. Hurt.

Jerk.

“How did we get here?” Juliette asked.

“I brought us here.”

“Did I push you? Did I push you away?”

“Thanks for the out, but I can’t put any of this on you.”

“Then why?” Juliette shoved her plate away.

“Maybe I was just greedy.”

Juliette thought of how Nathan tore through books, and meat, and even television episodes. They’d get a DVD of some cable TV series he’d never seen, like
Curb Your Enthusiasm
, and then he’d make her watch two, three, four—the entire series—until it was two in the morning. Was that what he did with women? Was Tia an episode that Nathan had gobbled?

“How can I know you won’t get greedy again?”

“I’m asking for faith. I’ve never lied to you since the affair. Can you believe me when I say I know how much I hurt you?”

He knew her. He knew she wanted to believe.

“I want to be first in your heart,” Juliette said.

“Don’t you know you always are, have always been?”

“First and only. No understudy.”

“Of course.”

Juliette smiled without mirth. “Don’t look at me as though you’ve just won the war.”

“Really? We’re in battle?” he asked.

“We’re battling for our marriage. Or not. We can’t pretend the child doesn’t exist.” Juliette saw his eyes open up, appearing to have let Savannah in for a moment. “Your parents. What if they ever knew that we’d kept this from them?”

Nathan pulled the wine from the bucket next to the table and refilled his glass, the waiter rushing over as he did. Nathan held a hand out to keep him from the table.

“How can you allow a child to think her birth father didn’t want her?” Juliette held out her glass. “How can you not want her?”

“I just don’t have answers yet. This is all new to me.”

“She told you, right? That she was pregnant. So it’s not really all new.”

“Yes. But I was more worried about us than anything else.”

Juliette shook her head. “Forget then, talk about now.”

“What is it you want me to do?”

Juliette opened her purse and pulled out Savannah’s picture. She slid it across the table. “Look at her. Really look.”

Nathan took the photograph that Juliette had sealed in a pliable plastic frame. Nathan’s hand shook. He bit his lower lip.

“She looks like you. She looks like Max.” Juliette saw it on his face, a longing. Nathan had grown up with the veneration of family that Juliette inherited through marriage.

What if they could take Savannah into their home to visit and have some sort of open family? It happened all the time. They wouldn’t wrench her from her home, they’d expand it—give her more warmth, more love. Children could always expand to accept more people who loved them. Max, Lucas, they’d be shocked at first, but then it would work out.

And Juliette would not be ashamed. She’d be proud they’d worked this all out for the best interest of the child. Juliette imagined the feel of the girl’s silky hair under her hand.

Juliette and Caroline would become friends.

“She does,” Nathan said. “She reminds me a little of Max. But, my God, there is so much of her mother in her.”

 • • • 

Juliette slammed the car door shut. She should have taken her own car. “You didn’t see your face, Nathan. That’s why you think it’s no big deal,” Juliette said as he started the engine.

Nathan leaned his elbows on the wheel and pressed his thumbs between his eyes. “All I said was the girl looks like her mother. Is that so surprising? So horrible?”

“You didn’t see your face,” Juliette repeated. “It was like you saw a ghost. A ghost you love.”

Nathan tried to take her hand. She snatched it from him. She’d seen that gentleness come over him when he talked about Tia.

“What you saw was me looking at the child,” he said. “For God’s sake, I’m looking at a five-year-old daughter I’ve never seen.”

Juliette panted, gulping air to catch her breath. “She’s your daughter with
her
; that’s what makes it special, right?”

“I thought that’s what you wanted, for me to see the child, to become involved, to get emotionally invested.”

“With the child, Nathan. Not her,” Juliette whispered.

CHAPTER 20

Caroline

The sky darkened as Caroline listened to Savannah complain on the phone. She switched on her office lamp and watched the light pool on her desk pad.

“Mommy,” Savannah asked, her voice made tinny by the cell phone. “When are you coming home?”

Caroline held the phone so tightly that her fingers cramped. A headache thudded over her left eye. When she removed her reading glasses, “Some Clinical Findings at Presentation Can Predict High-Risk Pathology Features in Unilateral Retinoblastoma” became an abstract of tiny, blurred letters. She was supposed to lead a discussion about the article at tomorrow morning’s staff meeting and she’d hardly cracked its twenty-six dense pages.

“Guess what Nanny Rose is making you tonight, pumpkin.” Caroline said. “SpaghettiOs!”

In their home of hundred-dollar takeout dinners, junk food was the way to Savannah’s heart.

“But when are you coming home?” Savannah asked.

Caroline looked at the array of work in front of her. “I’ll kiss you when I get home. Even if you’re sleeping.”

“You’re not coming until I’m asleep.” Savannah’s tone was more
flat than accusing. Caroline wished Savannah sounded angrier, more surprised. Not so accepting.

“I told her to sprinkle on extra cheese.” Caroline switched hands and sorted through memos on her desk.

“Okay.”

“How are the Bitty Twins?” Caroline chirped with excessive enthusiasm. “Why don’t you and Nanny Rose make a Bitty Twins beach outside?” Although it was only late April, temperatures had soared into the eighties. Caroline had been searching at midnight the previous night for the summer clothes she’d put away.

“Mommy! It’s nighttime.”

“Oh, you have a silly mommy. I love you, bunny nose.”

She did love her.

“And I love you, Mommy.”

She simply didn’t want to be with her all the time.

“You promise you’ll kiss me when you come home?” Savannah asked.

Caroline closed her eyes. “Of course.”

 • • • 

Caroline opened the door connecting the garage.

Waiting on the other side, in the extra study they barely used, Peter sat in their sleek cherry rocker. The chair matched a burnished red leather couch, part of the furniture they’d bought with a vision of the room as Savannah’s future homework site. Peter’s feet, planted on the glossy wood floor, seemed positioned for a quick rise. Nothing in the room was out of place except Peter’s rumpled pajama pants.

“Do you know what time it is?” he asked.

“Sorry.” Caroline ran her fingers through her hair and caught a whiff of stale hospital and lab. She clutched a bag from Cabot’s gift shop. The hospital’s small store stayed open late enough for her to have popped in during a coffee run.