The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (344 page)

fifty each: so that the muster-file, rotten and

sound, upon my life, amounts not to fifteen thousand

poll; half of the which dare not shake snow from off

their cassocks, lest they shake themselves to pieces.

I swear sir, if this was my last hour

I will tell the truth. Let me see: Spurio has

a hundred and fifty; Sebastian the same; Corambus, the same;

Jaques, the same; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick

and Gratii all have two hundred and fifty each; my own

company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii all have

Two hundred and fifty each: so that the full army,

fit and unfit, I swear, comes to less than fifteen thousand

men; half of those dare not shake the snow off their cloaks

in case they shake themselves to pieces.

BERTRAM

What shall be done to him?

What shall we do with him?

First Lord

Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him my

condition, and what credit I have with the duke.

Nothing, just thank him. Ask him about me,

and what the Duke thinks of me.

First Soldier

Well, that's set down.

Reads

'You shall demand of him, whether one Captain Dumain

be i' the camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation is

with the duke; what his valour, honesty, and

expertness in wars; or whether he thinks it were not

possible, with well-weighing sums of gold, to

corrupt him to revolt.' What say you to this? what

do you know of it?

Right, that's written down.

‘You shall ask him, whether there is a Captain Dumain

in the camp, a Frenchman; what the Duke

thinks of him; tell us about his bravery, honesty and

military prowess; and say whether you think

it would be possible to bribe him to switch sides

with a good sum of gold.’ What do you say to that?

What do you know about it?

PAROLLES

I beseech you, let me answer to the particular of

the inter'gatories: demand them singly.

May I ask that you let me answer these questions

exactly: ask them one at a time.

First Soldier

Do you know this Captain Dumain?

Do you know this Captain Dumain?

PAROLLES

I know him: a' was a botcher's 'prentice in Paris,

from whence he was whipped for getting the shrieve's

fool with child,--a dumb innocent, that could not

say him nay.

I know him: he was a tailor's apprentice in Paris,

but he was kicked out for getting a penniless retard

pregnant–a dumb innocent, who did not know how

to say no.

BERTRAM

Nay, by your leave, hold your hands; though I know

his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.

No, if you can, hold back; though I know

he'll be killed at the next turn of the card.

First Soldier

Well, is this captain in the duke of Florence's camp?

Well, is this captain part of the Duke of Florence's camp?

PAROLLES

Upon my knowledge, he is, and lousy.

Yes I know he is, riddled with vermin.

First Lord

Nay look not so upon me; we shall hear of your

lordship anon.

There's no need to laugh at me; we'll be hearing about

your lordship soon.

First Soldier

What is his reputation with the duke?

What does the Duke think of him?

PAROLLES

The duke knows him for no other but a poor officer

of mine; and writ to me this other day to turn him

out o' the band: I think I have his letter in my pocket.

 All the Duke knows about him is that he is a poor officer

of mine; he wrote to me the other day telling me to throw him

out of the army: I think I have his letter in my pocket.

First Soldier

Marry, we'll search.

All right, we'll search.

PAROLLES

In good sadness, I do not know; either it is there,

or it is upon a file with the duke's other letters

in my tent.

In all seriousness, I don't know; it's either there,

or it's in a file with the Duke's other letters

in my tent.

First Soldier

Here 'tis; here's a paper: shall I read it to you?

Here it is; here's a paper: shall I read it to you?

PAROLLES

I do not know if it be it or no.

I don't know if that's it or not.

BERTRAM

Our interpreter does it well.

Our interpreter is playing his part well.

First Lord

Excellently.

Wonderfully.

First Soldier

[Reads] 'Dian, the count's a fool, and full of gold,'--

‘Diana, the count's a fool, and very rich,’–

PAROLLES

That is not the duke's letter, sir; that is an

advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one

Diana, to take heed of the allurement of one Count

Rousillon, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very

ruttish: I pray you, sir, put it up again.

That is not the Duke's letter, sir; that is

some advice to a respectable girl in Florence, called

Diana, to watch out for the attractions of Count

Rousillon, a lazy foolish boy but very lustful

for all that: please sir, put it away again.

First Soldier

Nay, I'll read it first, by your favour.

No, I'll read it first, with your permission.

PAROLLES

My meaning in't, I protest, was very honest in the

behalf of the maid; for I knew the young count to be

a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to

virginity and devours up all the fry it finds.

I must point out that I was trying to take care

of the girl; for I knew that the young count was

a dangerous and horny boy, who is a glutton

for virginity and gobbles up all he can find.

BERTRAM

Damnable both-sides rogue!

Damned two-faced scoundrel!

First Soldier

[Reads] 'When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;

After he scores, he never pays the score:

Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;

He ne'er pays after-debts, take it before;

And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this,

Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss:

For count of this, the count's a fool, I know it,

Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.

Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear,

PAROLLES.'

‘When he swears an oath, tell him to pay in advance;

once he's got what he wants he'll never pay for it:

if you've got the money in your pocket then you'll be okay;

he never pays his debts afterwards, take payment in advance;

and tell him, Diana, that a soldier told you this,

that men are the ones for sex, boys aren't even worth getting:

to sum up, the count's a fool, I know it,

he pays in advance, but won't settle his debts.

Yours, as I said to your face,

Parolles.’

BERTRAM

He shall be whipped through the army with this rhyme

in's forehead.

He shall be whipped through the army with these words

written on his forehead.

Second Lord

This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold

linguist and the armipotent soldier.

This is your devoted friend, sir, the great

linguist and all conquering soldier.

BERTRAM

I could endure any thing before but a cat, and now

he's a cat to me.

I can put up with anything except cats, and now

he's a cat to me.

First Soldier

I perceive, sir, by the general's looks, we shall be

fain to hang you.

I can see, sir, by the way the general is looking, that we shall have

to hang you.

PAROLLES

My life, sir, in any case: not that I am afraid to

die; but that, my offences being many, I would

repent out the remainder of nature: let me live,

sir, in a dungeon, i' the stocks, or any where, so I may live.

You have my life, sir, in any event: it's not that I'm afraid

to die; but, as I have done so much wrong, I would

like to spend the rest of my life repenting: let me live,

sir, in a dungeon, in the stocks, or anywhere as long as I can live.

First Soldier

We'll see what may be done, so you confess freely;

therefore, once more to this Captain Dumain: you

have answered to his reputation with the duke and to

his valour: what is his honesty?

We'll see what we can do, as long as you tell us everything;

so, let's return to this Captain Dumain: you

have told us what the Duke thinks of him and about

his valour: is he honest?

PAROLLES

He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister: for

rapes and ravishments he parallels Nessus: he

professes not keeping of oaths; in breaking 'em he

is stronger than Hercules: he will lie, sir, with

such volubility, that you would think truth were a

fool: drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will

be swine-drunk; and in his sleep he does little

harm, save to his bed-clothes about him; but they

know his conditions and lay him in straw. I have but

little more to say, sir, of his honesty: he has

every thing that an honest man should not have; what

an honest man should have, he has nothing.

Sir, he would steal an egg out of your stomach:

for rape and assault he's equal to Nessus: he

doesn't believe in keeping oaths; he's stronger

Than Hercules in breaking them: he will lie, sir, with

such skill, that you would think truth was

foolish: what he's best at is drunkenness, he will

get as drunk as a pig; he doesn't do much harm in his sleep,

except to his bedclothes; but they know what he's like

and they lay him down in straw. I have not

much else to say about his honesty: he

has every characteristic an honest man should not have

and none of the ones he should have.

First Lord

I begin to love him for this.

I begin to love him for this.

BERTRAM

For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon

him for me, he's more and more a cat.