The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (374 page)

fond of new things than an ape, and more desirous

than a monkey. I will weep at the slightest things, like Diana

crying at the fountain, and I will do it whenever you

feel particularly happy. I will laugh like a hyena

when you are trying to sleep.

ORLANDO

But will my Rosalind do so?

Will my Rosalind do this too?

ROSALIND

By my life, she will do as I do.

I swear by my life, she will do whatever I do.

ORLANDO

O, but she is wise.

But she is also wise.

ROSALIND

Or else she could not have the wit to do this: the

wiser, the waywarder: make the doors upon a woman's

wit and it will out at the casement; shut that and

'twill out at the key-hole; stop that, 'twill fly

with the smoke out at the chimney.

If she wasn’t, then she wouldn’t be smart enough to do these things. The

wiser a woman is, the wilder. Close doors on a woman’s

wit and it will fly out the windows. Shut the windows and

it will leave through the keyhole. Stop that up and it will fly

with the smoke out of the chimney.

ORLANDO

A man that had a wife with such a wit, he might say

'Wit, whither wilt?'

A man with a wife like that might wonder,

“Wit, where are you going?”

ROSALIND

Nay, you might keep that cheque for it till you met

your wife's wit going to your neighbour's bed.

You should keep those questions to yourself until you find out

that your wife’s wit is going to your neighbor’s bed.

ORLANDO

And what wit could wit have to excuse that?

What wit could excuse that?

ROSALIND

Marry, to say she came to seek you there. You shall

never take her without her answer, unless you take

her without her tongue. O, that woman that cannot

make her fault her husband's occasion, let her

never nurse her child herself, for she will breed

it like a fool!

She could say she came to look for you there. You will

never see her without an answer ready, unless you take

her without a tongue. O, any woman who cannot

make her sins her husband’s faults should

never nurse her child herself, or else she will bring

up foolish children!

ORLANDO

For these two hours, Rosalind, I will leave thee.

Rosalind, I must leave you for two hours.

ROSALIND

Alas! dear love, I cannot lack thee two hours.

Oh no! Dear love, I cannot wait for you for two hours.

ORLANDO

I must attend the duke at dinner: by two o'clock I

will be with thee again.

I must eat dinner with the duke. At two o’clock I

will be back.

ROSALIND

Ay, go your ways, go your ways; I knew what you

would prove: my friends told me as much, and I

thought no less: that flattering tongue of yours

won me: 'tis but one cast away, and so, come,

death! Two o'clock is your hour?

Fine, go ahead, go on. I knew that you

would leave me. My friends told me that, and I

didn’t think about it. Your flattering tongue

won me over, but now I am cast away! Come to me,

death! You will be back at two?

ORLANDO

Ay, sweet Rosalind.

Yes, sweet Rosalind.

ROSALIND

By my troth, and in good earnest, and so God mend

me, and by all pretty oaths that are not dangerous,

if you break one jot of your promise or come one

minute behind your hour, I will think you the most

pathetical break-promise and the most hollow lover

and the most unworthy of her you call Rosalind that

may be chosen out of the gross band of the

unfaithful: therefore beware my censure and keep

your promise.

Honestly, so God help me,

and by all pretty promises that are not dangerous to make,

if you break one little piece of this promise, or come one minute

after two, I will think that you are the most

unfaithful man and hollow lover

and that you are unworthy of the woman you call Rosalind that

can be found anywhere among the bands

of unfaithful men. Therefore, beware my scorn and keep

your promise.

ORLANDO

With no less religion than if thou wert indeed my

Rosalind: so adieu.

I will keep it as strongly as if you were truly my

Rosalind. Goodbye.

ROSALIND

Well, Time is the old justice that examines all such

offenders, and let Time try: adieu.

Time is the judge who examines all

criminals like you, so we will let Time decide. Goodbye.

Exit ORLANDO

CELIA

You have simply misused our sex in your love-prate:

we must have your doublet and hose plucked over your

head, and show the world what the bird hath done to

her own nest.

You have abused our sex in this talk of love:

we should rip off your men’s clothing

and show the world how you have destroyed

your own kind.

ROSALIND

O coz, coz, coz, my pretty little coz, that thou

didst know how many fathom deep I am in love! But

it cannot be sounded: my affection hath an unknown

bottom, like the bay of Portugal.

O cousin, cousin, cousin, my pretty cousin, if only

you knew how deeply I am in love! But

I cannot put words to it: my feelings have an unknown

depth, like the bay of Portugal.

CELIA

Or rather, bottomless, that as fast as you pour

affection in, it runs out.

It might rather be bottomless, since as fast as your pour

your affection in, it runs out the bottom.

ROSALIND

No, that same wicked bastard of Venus that was begot

of thought, conceived of spleen and born of madness,

that blind rascally boy that abuses every one's eyes

because his own are out, let him be judge how deep I

am in love. I'll tell thee, Aliena, I cannot be out

of the sight of Orlando: I'll go find a shadow and

sigh till he come.

No, that wicked bastard child of Venus who was born

from thought and anger and madness, Cupid himself,

that blind rascal who plays with everyone else’s eyes

since his own are blind, let him judge how deeply I

am in love. I will tell you, Aliena, I can’t stand

not seeing Orlando. I will find some shade

and sigh until he returns.

CELIA

And I'll sleep.

And I will sleep.

Exeunt

Enter JAQUES, Lords, and Foresters

JAQUES

Which is he that killed the deer?

Who killed the deer?

A Lord

Sir, it was I.

It was me, sir.

JAQUES

Let's present him to the duke, like a Roman

conqueror; and it would do well to set the deer's

horns upon his head, for a branch of victory. Have

you no song, forester, for this purpose?

Let’s show him off to the duke like a Roman

conqueror. And we can put the deer’s

horns on his head, like a branch of victory. Don’t

you have a song to sing for this, forester?

Forester

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

JAQUES

Sing it: 'tis no matter how it be in tune, so it

make noise enough.

Then sing it, no matter what the tune is as long

as it is loud enough.

Forester

singing

What shall he have that kill'd the deer?

His leather skin and horns to wear.

Then sing him home;

The rest shall bear this burden

Take thou no scorn to wear the horn;

It was a crest ere thou wast born:

Thy father's father wore it,

And thy father bore it:

The horn, the horn, the lusty horn

Is not a thing to laugh to scorn.

What should be given to him who killed the dear?

His leather skin and his horns to wear.

Then sing for him as he goes home.

Don’t be ashamed to wear the horn,

it was worn before you were born:

your father’s father wore it,

and your father brought it with him:

the horn, the horn, the good horn,

is not a thing to laugh at and mock.

Exeunt

Enter ROSALIND and CELIA

ROSALIND

How say you now? Is it not past two o'clock? and

here much Orlando!

What do you think now? Isn’t it past two o’clock? And

I see Orlando everywhere!

CELIA

I warrant you, with pure love and troubled brain, he

hath ta'en his bow and arrows and is gone forth to