The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (404 page)

Gardon, O sweet gardon! This is better than remuneration,
a'leven-pence farthing better: most sweet gardon! I

Eleven pennies better: most sweet gardon! I
will do it sir, in print. Gardon! Remuneration!

Will do it sir, most exactly. Gardon! Remuneration!
ExitBIRON And I, forsooth, in love! I, that have been love's whip;

And I, truly, in love! I, who has been love’s whip;
A very beadle to a humorous sigh;

A parish officer, who whips any emotional sigh;
A critic, nay, a night-watch constable;

A critic, no, a night watch officer;
A domineering pedant o'er the boy;

A domineering prude over the boy;
Than whom no mortal so magnificent!

Than whom no mortal so magnificent!
This whimpled, whining, purblind, wayward boy;

This blindfolded, whining, completely blind, wayward boy;
This senior-junior, giant-dwarf, Dan Cupid;

This older young one, giant-dwarf, Sir Cupid;
Regent of love-rhymes, lord of folded arms,

Regent of love-rhymes, lord of melancholy,
The anointed sovereign of sighs and groans,

The anointed king of sighs and groans,
Liege of all loiterers and malcontents,

Lord of all loiterers and malcontents,
Dread prince of plackets, king of codpieces,

Dreaded prince of petticoats, kind of codpieces,
Sole imperator and great general

Sole commander and great general

Of trotting 'paritors:--O my little heart:--

Of trotting apparitors; --O my little heart:--
And I to be a corporal of his field,

And for me to be a corporal of his field
And wear his colours like a tumbler's hoop!

And wear his colors like a clown!
What, I! I love! I sue! I seek a wife!

What, I?! I love! I sue! I seek a wife!
A woman, that is like a German clock,

A woman, that is like a German clock,
Still a-repairing, ever out of frame,

Always needing repair, always out of order,
And never going aright, being a watch,

And never going to be right, being a watch,
But being watch'd that it may still go right!

Unless it is watched carefully to make sure it doesn’t stray!
Nay, to be perjured, which is worst of all;

No, to be guilty of breaking my oath, which is worst of all;
And, among three, to love the worst of all;

And, out of three, to love the worst of all;
A wightly wanton with a velvet brow,

A ghostly-pale, promiscuous woman with a velvet brow,
With two pitch-balls stuck in her face for eyes;

With two pitch-black balls stuck in her face for eyes;
Ay, and by heaven, one that will do the deed

Yes, and by heaven, one that will engage in intercourse
Though Argus were her eunuch and her guard:

Even if Argus, the beast with one hundred eyes were her eunuch and guard:
And I to sigh for her! to watch for her!

And for me to sigh for her! To lose sleep over her!
To pray for her! Go to; it is a plague

To pray for her! Go to; it is a plague
That Cupid will impose for my neglect

That Cupid will impose on me for ignoring
Of his almighty dreadful little might.

Of his almighty dreadful little power.
Well, I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue and groan:

Well I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue and groan:
Some men must love my lady and some Joan.

Some men must love women like my lady and some a virtuous woman like Joan of Arc.
Exit

Enter the PRINCESS, and her train, a Forester, BOYET, ROSALINE, MARIA, and KATHARINE 

PRINCESS Was that the king, that spurred his horse so hard

Was that the king that spurred his horse so hard
Against the steep uprising of the hill?

Against the steep uprising of the hill?
BOYET I know not; but I think it was not he.

I don’t know; but I don’t think it was him.
PRINCESS Whoe'er a' was, a' show'd a mounting mind.

Whoever he was, it seemed like he had something pressing on his mind.
Well, lords, to-day we shall have our dispatch:

Well, lords, today we will serve our purpose here:
On Saturday we will return to France.

On Saturday we will return to France.
Then, forester, my friend, where is the bush

So, forester, my friend, where is the bush
That we must stand and play the murderer in?

That serves as the hunter’s station where we will play the murderer in?
Forester Hereby, upon the edge of yonder coppice;

Just there, upon the edge of that thicket;
A stand where you may make the fairest shoot.

There’s a station where you can make the fairest shot.
PRINCESS I thank my beauty, I am fair that shoot,

Thanks to my beauty, I am the one shooting who is fairest,
And thereupon thou speak'st the fairest shoot.

And that’s why you call it the fairest shot.
Forester Pardon me, madam, for I meant not so.

Pardon me, madam, I didn’t mean it like that.

PRINCESS What, what? first praise me and again say no?

What’s that? First praise me and then take it back?
O short-lived pride! Not fair? alack for woe!

O short-lived pride? I’m not beautiful? How sad that makes me!
Forester Yes, madam, fair.

Yes, madam, you are beautiful.
PRINCESS Nay, never paint me now:

No, don’t flatter me now:
Where fair is not, praise cannot mend the brow.

Where there is no beauty, praise will not fix that face.
Here, good my glass, take this for telling true:

Here, my true mirror, take this for telling me the truth:
Fair payment for foul words is more than due.

It’s only fair to pay for foul but honest words.
Forester Nothing but fair is that which you inherit.

You are nothing but beautiful.
PRINCESS See see, my beauty will be saved by merit!

And see now, my beauty will be complimented after receiving payment!
O heresy in fair, fit for these days!

O heresy regarding beauty, fit for these days!
A giving hand, though foul, shall have fair praise.

A giving hand, though it be ugly will get praised as lovely.
But come, the bow: now mercy goes to kill,

But come now, give me the bow and arrow: the princess goes in for the kill,
And shooting well is then accounted ill.

And when a merciful person like a princess shoots well, they are considered ill.
Thus will I save my credit in the shoot:

So I will save my reputation in the shot:
Not wounding, pity would not let me do't;

If I miss I can say that it was pity that held me back:
If wounding, then it was to show my skill,

If I don’t then it was to show my skill,
That more for praise than purpose meant to kill.

I shot accurately more for praise than for the sake of killing.
And out of question so it is sometimes,

And undoubtedly, so it is sometimes,

Glory grows guilty of detested crimes,

We become guilty of horrible crimes for the sake of glory,
When, for fame's sake, for praise, an outward part,

When, for the sake of fame, of praise, or some other superficial thing,
We bend to that the working of the heart;

We force out hearts to adapt to seeking fame;
As I for praise alone now seek to spill

Just like I am now only for praise seeking to spill
The poor deer's blood, that my heart means no ill.

This poor deer’s blood, that my heart wishes no harm.
BOYET Do not curst wives hold that self-sovereignty

Don’t shrewish wives hold that self-sovereignty
Only for praise sake, when they strive to be

Only for the sake of praise, when they try to be
Lords o'er their lords?

Lords over their husbands?
PRINCESS Only for praise: and praise we may afford

Only for praise: we can afford to praise
To any lady that subdues a lord.

Any woman that can subdue a man.
BOYET Here comes a member of the commonwealth.

Here comes a member of the ordinary citizenry.
Enter COSTARDCOSTARD God dig-you-den all! Pray you, which is the head lady?

God give you a good evening! Please, which one of you is the head lady?
PRINCESS Thou shalt know her, fellow, by the rest that have no heads.

You shall know her, fellow, by seeing that the rest have no heads.
COSTARD Which is the greatest lady, the highest?

Which is the greatest lady, the highest?

PRINCESS The thickest and the tallest.

The thickest and the tallest.
COSTARD The thickest and the tallest! it is so; truth is truth.

The thickest and the tallest! That is so; truth is truth.
An your waist, mistress, were as slender as my wit,

And your waist, mistress, is as slender as my wit,
One o' these maids' girdles for your waist should be fit.

One of these maids’ girdles should be fit to your waist.
Are not you the chief woman? you are the thickest here.

Are you the chief woman? You are the thickest here.
PRINCESS What's your will, sir? what's your will?

What do you need, sir? why are you here?
COSTARD I have a letter from Monsieur Biron to one Lady Rosaline.

I have a letter from Monsieur Biron to one Lady Rosaline.
PRINCESS O, thy letter, thy letter! he's a good friend of mine:

O, your letter, your letter! he’s a good friend of mine:
Stand aside, good bearer. Boyet, you can carve;

Stand aside, good messenger. Boyet you can carve;
Break up this capon.

Cut open this letter.
BOYET I am bound to serve.

I am bound to serve.
This letter is mistook, it importeth none here;

This letter is misdirected, it concerns no one here;
It is writ to Jaquenetta.

It is written to Jaquenetta.
PRINCESS We will read it, I swear.

We will read it, I swear.
Break the neck of the wax, and every one give ear.

Break the wax seal and read it aloud.
ReadsBOYET 'By heaven, that thou art fair, is most infallible;