The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (658 page)

VALENTINE

Last night she enjoined me to write some lines to

Last night she urged me to write a letter to
one she loves.

Someone she loves.

SPEED

And have you?

And have you?

VALENTINE

I have.

I have.

SPEED

Are they not lamely writ?

Are they badly written?

VALENTINE

No, boy, but as well as I can do them. Peace!

No, boy, but written as well as I can. Be calm!
here she comes.

Here she comes.

SPEED

[Aside] O excellent motion! O exceeding puppet!

[Aside] Oh, what a great puppet-show! Oh, what a good puppet she is!
Now will he interpret to her.

Now he will be the puppet-master for her puppet!

Enter SILVIA

VALENTINE

Madam and mistress, a thousand good-morrows.

Madam and mistress, I wish you a thousand good mornings.

SPEED

[Aside] O, give ye good even! here's a million of manners.

[Aside] Oh, not even a good evening! Here’s an excessive use of manners.

SILVIA

Sir Valentine and servant, to you two thousand.

Sir Valentine and his servant, may you have two thousand good mornings.

SPEED

[Aside] He should give her interest and she gives it him.

[Aside] He should show his interest in her, and she’ll give it back to him double.

VALENTINE

As you enjoin'd me, I have writ your letter

As you asked me, I have written your letter
Unto the secret nameless friend of yours;

To this secret nameless lover of yours;
Which I was much unwilling to proceed in

Which I was very unwilling to do
But for my duty to your ladyship.

Except that it was my duty to you, my lady.

SILVIA

I thank you gentle servant: 'tis very clerkly done.

Thank you, kind follower: it’s very cleverly done.

VALENTINE

Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off;

Now believe me, madam, it was hard to do;
For being ignorant to whom it goes

Since I didn’t know who it was meant for
I writ at random, very doubtfully.

I wrote randomly, and with uncertainty.

SILVIA

Perchance you think too much of so much pains?

Perhaps you think it was too much trouble?

VALENTINE

No, madam; so it stead you, I will write

No, madam; if it will help you, I will write
Please you command, a thousand times as much; And yet—

If you ask me to, I would do so I thousand times; But still—

SILVIA

A pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel;

A nice little pause! Well, I will guess what was going to come next;
And yet I will not name it; and yet I care not;

But I won’t say what it was; and still I don’t care;
And yet take this again; and yet I thank you,

But take this back; and thank you,
Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.

This means after this I won’t bother you again.

SPEED

[Aside] And yet you will; and yet another 'yet.'

[Aside] But you will; and still there’s another ‘but.’

VALENTINE

What means your ladyship? do you not like it?

What do you mean, my lady? Do you not like it?

SILVIA

Yes, yes; the lines are very quaintly writ;

Yes, yes; the letter is very skillfully written;
But since unwillingly, take them again.

But since it was written unwillingly, take it back again.
Nay, take them.

No, take it.

VALENTINE

Madam, they are for you.

Madam, it is for you.

SILVIA

Ay, ay: you writ them, sir, at my request;

Yes, yes: since you wrote it, sir, at my request;
But I will none of them; they are for you;

But I won’t take it; you take it;
I would have had them writ more movingly.

I wish you had written it more sincerely.

VALENTINE

Please you, I'll write your ladyship another.

If you want, I’ll write another letter for you, my lady.

SILVIA

And when it's writ, for my sake read it over,

And when you’ve written it, for my sake read over it,
And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.

And if you like it, so be it; and if not, well, so be it.

VALENTINE

If it please me, madam, what then?

If I like it, madam, what do you want me to do then?

SILVIA

Why, if it please you, take it for your labour:

Well, if you like it, take it as payment for you work;
And so, good morrow, servant.

And with that, good morning, my follower.

Exit

SPEED

O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,

Oh, what a joke it is that is unseen, mysterious, and invisible
As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!

Just like a nose is on a man’s face, or a weathervane is on a steep roof!
My master sues to her, and she hath

My master pursues her, and she has
taught her suitor,

Taught her admirer,
He being her pupil, to become her tutor.

Since he is her student, to become her teacher.
O excellent device! was there ever heard a better,

Oh what an excellent scheme! Has a better one ever been heard of,
That my master, being scribe, to himself should write

That my master, being a writer, should write to himself
the letter?

The letter?

VALENTINE

How now, sir? what are you reasoning with yourself?

What’s this, sir? What are you talking to yourself about?

SPEED

Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.

No, I was just muttering; it’s you who has the good sense.

VALENTINE

To do what?

To do what?

SPEED

To be a spokesman for Madam Silvia.

To speak on the behalf of Madam Silvia.

VALENTINE

To whom?

But who am I speaking to?

SPEED

To yourself: why, she wooes you by a figure.

To yourself: why, she courts you with a scheme.

VALENTINE

What figure?

What scheme?

SPEED

By a letter, I should say.

With a letter, I should have said.

VALENTINE

Why, she hath not writ to me?

But she hasn’t written to me?

SPEED

What need she, when she hath made you write to

What should she need to, when she has made you write a letter to
yourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?

Yourself? What, do you not get the joke?

VALENTINE

No, believe me.

No, I don’t, believe me.

SPEED

No believing you, indeed, sir. But did you perceive

There’s no believing you, indeed, sir. But did you notice
her earnest?

Her repayment?

VALENTINE

She gave me none, except an angry word.

She gave me nothing but angry words.

SPEED

Why, she hath given you a letter.

Why, she has given you a letter.

VALENTINE

That's the letter I writ to her friend.

That’s the letter that I wrote to her lover.

SPEED

And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.

And she has delivered that letter to that friend, and that’s the end of it.

VALENTINE

I would it were no worse.

I wish that were so.

SPEED

I'll warrant you, 'tis as well:

I promise you, it’s just that:
For often have you writ to her, and she, in modesty,

For you have often written to her, and she, in her modesty,
Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;

Or else not having free time, could not sent a reply;
Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,

Or else being afraid that a messenger might find out her feelings,
Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.

She has taught the man she loves to write to on her behalf to her lover, which is he.

All this I speak in print, for in print I found it.

Everything I say is very specific, since I found it specifically.
Why muse you, sir? 'tis dinner-time.

What are you wondering about, sir? It’s dinner time.

VALENTINE

I have dined.

I have already eaten.

SPEED

Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon Love can

Yes, but listen, sir; although Love itself is said to change its shape
feed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my

And feed on air, I am a man that is fed by my
victuals, and would fain have meat. O, be not like

Food, and would gladly have some meat. Oh, don’t be like
your mistress; be moved, be moved.

Your mistress; be persuaded, sympathize.

Exeunt

JULIA'S house.

Enter PROTEUS and JULIA

PROTEUS

Have patience, gentle Julia.

Be patient, kind Julia.

JULIA

I must, where is no remedy.

I must be, there is nothing else I can do.

PROTEUS

When possibly I can, I will return.

Whenever I can, I will return.

JULIA

If you turn not, you will return the sooner.

If you don’t change your mind about me, you will return all the sooner because of it.
Keep this remembrance for thy Julia's sake.

Keep this love-token to remember your Julia.

Giving a ring

“[JULIA give PROTEUS a ring]”

PROTEUS

Why then, we'll make exchange; here, take you this.