The Complicated Earl (15 page)

“What about your feelings?
How can you be so sure you would not meet someone who would be worth the risk? Some marriages work, I know they do. I don’t understand why you are so against the possibility of finding happiness. Would you not be willing to work at it with someone you cared for and who cared for you?” Isabelle asked reaching up to touch his hair.

The feeling of her fingers in his hair
brought back the memories of the morning. He had been kissing her like he would never stop when she had held his hair then, but he could not think of that, he had to concentrate on making her understand.

“Feelings don’t come into it, I have responsibilities and I can’t be diverted by a dalliance with you, however
pleasurable. It was nice, but it won’t happen again.” He smiled, but it was not a real smile, it was the type of smile she had seen at the start of her acquaintance, one of boredom and slight cynicism. He was pushing her away in the only way he knew how to.

Isabelle
reacted to his words by pulling back from his arms, sickened to her stomach. “A dalliance? Is that all I was? Something to while the time away? I was wrong about you, you have no feelings. I should have listened to the stories about your reputation more closely, I was foolish enough to think it was unjust.” He let her pull away without saying anything to convince her otherwise. “I would never be so vain as to think you loved me, but I thought you cared. I am sorry that I was mistaken and I know exactly where I stand. Thank you for being so clear.” She spoke coldly, but her voice betrayed her by quivering a little. She turned away from him and went through the door quietly closing it behind her.

Tom
stood still for a long time, looking at the closed door. He had never felt so desolate in his whole life. She said that she had not expected that he loved her, but he knew that he did. He could not explain to her why he could not marry her, especially as if he was honest it was actually what he wanted. But he had seen the damage caused by his parents and he could not risk that happening to him. If Isabelle did to him what his mother had done to his father he knew he would kill someone. He had become insanely jealous when she spoke to other men in a ballroom. To reach the stage that men visited her in her chamber made him go cold at the thought. He wished he could have Sophie’s innocence, but he had been an observer of life’s harshness and it had scarred him.

He lay on his bed going over and over what
had happened in the carriage. He had known in his heart from the moment she had accompanied him that there was a danger of something of that nature happening, but he had not prevented her from coming with him, he had wanted her there and only now did he acknowledge how selfish he had been. He knew how she felt about him, it was as much as he felt about her, but he still could not convince himself that their love would be one that survived. One thing he did acknowledge with sadness was that no-one he ever met would compare to Isabelle.

His candles had burned low and still he tossed and turned, sleep would not come to him tonight. He paced the room hoping for peace, but it
eluded him at every turn. She needed to be happy with someone, but it could not be him. With him she would be under constant scrutiny. He knew he would find it difficult to trust her, not because of her actions, but because he would be expecting her to fail, he could not do that to either of them. It would destroy any chance they had of happiness.

At one point he put his ear to the door separating them. He could hear no sounds and turned the handle. The door was not locked and he gently pushed it open. He needed to know she was resting. He saw her asleep and the sight almost broke his resolve. Her hair fell all over her pillow and an arm was thrown above her head as if she had been disturbed. As he watched she murmured in her sleep and started to move her head, at first he had been alarmed, thinking she was waking, but it was a dream. She was not having a peaceful night’s
sleep, she started tossing and turning and moaning slightly, her distress affecting her dreams. He closed the door afraid she would wake in his presence, but his guilt had increased that he had caused her so much upset. It helped to convince him more that he was doing the right thing, already he had caused her so much pain. If they married it would only get worse, better to be firm now rather than destroy them both in the long term.

Isabelle had only just fallen i
nto a fitful sleep when Tom had opened the door. She had cried herself out and had let sleep overcome her, exhausted. She could not see a way to convince him that he was wrong and her pride fought against begging or pleading. She knew she could demand he did his duty by her, men could not behave in such a way with a gentlewoman and get away with it. But again her pride would not allow a man who professed not to love her be forced into marriage when he had taken advantage of her, even though she had been very willing. If they were forced to marry the result would be that he would hate her and she could not live with that.

She had
started to try to think of a way of going home. She wanted to be as far away as possible from him, but could not think how to get away. Eventually she dozed off through exhaustion and had to endure a night of disturbed dreams. She had not been aware of Tom watching her sleep. If she had seen him it may have given her hope, but she remained oblivious to the pain he was feeling, having believed his cold words and manner.

Chapter 1
2

When Isabelle awoke she
did not leave the room. She did not know if it would be considered petty and selfish, but one decision she had made at some point during her disturbed night was that she could not face attending Sophie’s wedding. She needed some distance from Tom. She sat at her dressing table deliberating what to do when there was a quiet tap on the door. She did not answer, but the door handle turned and the door opened slightly. Isabelle knew it would be Sophie or Tom and her stomach twisted when she saw his face.

“May I come in?” he said quietly.

Isabelle nodded, she did not trust her voice and she felt quite vulnerable as she was still in her nightclothes. She remained seated and waited for him to speak.

He had taken in the view of her in her nightwear
as he had entered the room. His resolve had faltered; even pale as she looked this morning, she still looked beautiful. He had to be strong, so tried to smile, but he knew it was a wan smile.

“We need to leave soon.”

“I won’t be joining you,” Isabelle said quietly. “Please explain to Sophie that I am sorry, but I am unwell and can’t travel.”

T
om was not surprised at her response and made an effort to respect her decision. He tried to ignore the disappointment of knowing that she would not be there to watch him give his sister away and he was angry with his selfish feelings her words stirred. “I understand your reluctance to travel any further. We will be away the whole night, what shall you do until we return?”

“I shall
rest in my room; I shall come to no harm and I shall eat in here to prevent the need for me to venture further into the inn while you are away. Should I expect you back late afternoon tomorrow?” Isabelle kept her tone distant, after the rejection she had received the evening before she could never be the same with him again.

“Yes, o
nce the ceremony is over we shall have no need to stay. I have secured our rooms here until we return, so you will have use of the parlour as well if you would like a change of scenery.” His tone was as formal as hers was distant and it was painful for both. The easy banter between them had gone. Tom bowed and left the room. Isabelle put her head in her hands when the door closed behind him realising even more that she had to get away.

She heard the carriage leave and dressed
quickly. A resolve was forming in her mind. She had never felt so unhappy, but she prided herself on being able to overcome difficult situations so she had looked at her current position as a problem to be thought through until a solution was found. By the time she went downstairs to order her lunch she had resolved what was needed and was determined to put her plan into action as soon as she could.

She met the innkeeper at the bottom of the stairs. “Ah, I’m glad I found you. Did my husba
nd explain my predicament?” She would have to get used to not thinking of Tom as her husband as had become so normal over the last few days, but for now she had to maintain the charade.

“He explained
that you were not feeling well madam,” the Innkeeper answered.

“Men!”
Isabelle said with a smile that would charm most people. “You never explain fully do you? I received some news yesterday about my brother in Hampshire which upset me and I need to return home urgently. Have you a carriage I could hire to take me there? I would need to start out this afternoon.” Isabelle found that her desperation to get away increased her ability to lie convincingly.

“Would you be travelling alone madam?”
The innkeeper asked in disbelief with the stirrings of suspicion.

“
My predicament means that I need to impose on you further unfortunately,” Isabelle said with an apologetic smile. “Do you have a maid who could accompany me? One who would be able to secure good rooms at the places we shall need to stop at. My husband would expect the same standard as the rooms you keep,” Isabelle had known she could not travel alone, but a maid would be perfectly acceptable.

“Betty would be just
the person you need with you. She is a sensible girl, even if I say so myself and she will protect you as if she had been in your service her whole life,” the innkeeper said proudly of his eldest daughter.

“Would you be happy for her to trave
l back in the same carriage? I should not want her inconvenienced too much and I am sure you would want her return as quickly as possible. You will be compensated for your loss of her obviously.”             

“No problem madam, no problem at all.” They arranged for the carriage and Betty to be ready in an hour. This gave Isabelle enough time to e
at and write a note for Tom. She could not just leave him without any form of communication to explain what she had done; she felt what friendship they had in the past made that civility a necessity. She left his note on his pillow and touched where he had tossed and turned the night before. She longed to be able to prove him wrong and show how she could make him happy, but she knew when to admit defeat. This way she was taking control and walking away; a little of her pride still intact.

She set off with an excited Betty. Isabelle smiled to herself when Betty tried to stop herself from talking, but
she could not help saying that she had never left her area before and once out of it, could not prevent herself from exclaiming over the new sights they were seeing. Isabelle reassured Betty that she was also not a huge traveller and was looking forward to spending the next few days together.

Isabelle was thankful that Betty was as the innkeeper had described her. She was a sensible girl and the conversation they shared was intelligent. Betty did not rattle
on the way some young maids did; Isabelle had dreaded that being the case on such a long journey. They were restful with each other as they went along, with Isabelle having a lot of time to think about her situation and resolve to try and forget the Earl of Standish. She would always love him, she acknowledged that, but there was no reason for them ever to cross paths again. They had never come into contact before and Isabelle was sure that after his experience James would not seek out the Earl’s company, so Tom would have to become a memory. He had said as much the previous evening, so there was no doubt that he would not seek her out. She also hoped that he would not be too angry when he returned to the inn and found her gone.

*

Sophie would report to her new husband that she had never seen her brother as angry in her entire life and she had often seen him angry, thankfully not usually at herself. They had returned and entered the inn in high spirits. Sophie and the Earl had immediately gone to Isabelle’s room to check on her, but it was apparent the room was deserted. Sophie had seen a mixture of panic and pain on her brother’s face and had realised that there was something more to the friendship than she had previously guessed, but it was not the time to ask questions with Miss Crawford missing. The Earl had used the adjoining door to enter his room and had immediately spotted the letter. Sophie had followed when she had heard the groan uttered by her brother. He had slumped into a chair, the letter unopened in his hands.

“What is it Tom, has something happened?” she asked worriedly,
crossing the room to him.

“She
’s gone, she’s gone,” he moaned unable to utter anything else that would explain his anguish.

“Why
has she left? What does the letter say?” Sophie was worried about her brother; she had never seen him looking so desolate.

Tom
ripped open the letter and read it to himself.

Dear Tom
,

Please forgive me not waiting for your return, but I could not stay. 
You made your position quite clear last night about your intentions and feelings and there would be nothing achieved by spending further time in each other’s company, trying to act normally, when normality left us in the carriage yesterday.

I am well and have arranged to
travel in a private carriage and to be escorted by a maid, so everything is taken care of. It is all perfectly respectable. I have enough money to pay for the journey home and will obtain money when I arrive in Hampshire to send the carriage and the maid back. There is no cost for you to bear apart from the cost of my room. I thought it may seem too peculiar to the innkeeper if I tried to settle that bill and I did not want to cause you to be faced with a difficult situation on your return. I have explained that I received news from my brother that necessitated in my return home.

When you left I had the urge to be with my family, with those who unconditionally
love and care for me. I will suffer your condemnation as a weak soul, but in some respects I think you will understand. I hope to one day understand your rejection; I admit to struggling with it at the moment. I have always fought for anything I believed in, but perhaps that is the problem, you did not believe in me, or that we could turn what we felt into the happy ever after that I know does exist. If I thought I could change your mind I might have stayed, but my pride says that to have been rejected by you twice is enough to convince me that you do not feel as I had hoped and that I need to be realistic not romantic.

I shall be going to Hampshire
, not immediately to Bath and ultimately may be away for some time. I shall let the gossip subside once Sophie’s announcement in the Times is seen. I know James was throwing caution to the wind a little towards the end of the week, so there will be some speculation which I would rather avoid. I can provide amusement enough for my neighbours, but do not necessarily want to be there while they have their pleasure! Very unsporting of me I hear you say.

I hope the day went well and send my best wishes to the married couple. I know with your support they will succ
eed in life. I wish you all happy and well for the future.

Ple
ase forgive me for running away; I shall always look back on at least some of our time together with pleasure.

Yours

Isabelle.

Sophie expected her brother to hand her the letter when he had read it, but he did not. He jumped up, muttering to himself, turning an alarming shade of red. He was almost stomping acr
oss the room and he muttered, “Stupid, stupid girl. What was she thinking? Her actions are idiotic! What does she mean by travelling half way across the country alone? Anything could happen!”

He stormed about the room until
he realised Sophie was still sitting watching him. “Leave me Sophie.” He said angrily.

“But, Tom...” Sophie started.

“I said leave me damn it! Will you for once do as you are bid?”

Sophie fled from the room. Tom had never spoken to her like that before and
she could only imagine what could possibly be in the letter that would cause such an outburst. She returned to her husband shaking in fear.

Tom stormed
about the room for half an hour before finally slumping into a chair. He had never experienced anger or the feeling of loss her departure had caused. He had lost something precious now that she had gone, but the anger was overwhelming and he knew who he was angry with the most. Himself.

*

Five tiring days later Isabelle arrived in Hampshire, relieved to be back with her family. James and Mary had been surprised at her return without any prior warning by letter. There had been questions raised as to why the Earl had not accompanied her home, but she explained that because of the marriage, it had been decided that it was more for James’s feelings that she had travelled some of the way separately from to the group. She did not go into too many details and in her more private moments came to the conclusion that she had learned to lie on this journey if nothing else.

James had been
philosophical about the wedding; he had already seen the notice in the newspaper by the time Isabelle had returned home. Mary had explained that he had been very upset for the first few days, but as it was over a week since they had all been in Bath a little time had helped him to start recovering from his hurt. To all appearances he seemed like the James of old, instead of the shell of a person that Isabelle had expected to see. She wondered if such a speedy recovery meant that his affection had not truly been that of the long-lasting kind. She was not sure that a week would be enough for her to forget the Earl of Standish.

Isabelle and Mary decided to spend two weeks in Hampshire before returning to Bath. They both did not want to leave James
straight away; he could be putting on a brave face and suffering more than he was showing, especially as he seemed to have no inclination of returning to London. Isabelle was happy to stay. There was plenty to occupy her while in Hampshire. She enjoyed the area and spent most of her time outside riding and walking.  She seemed to need to be outside even more than she had before.

The house was set at the edge of extensive parkland that consisted of th
e formal gardens surrounding a Tudor style house. The gardens were in turn surrounded by woodland before the farms of the tenants filled in the patchwork quilt of landscape. While she was on family land she could walk or ride out alone, which she needed to do. She left Mary to entertain James after he had finished his estate duties, although he did often join her on cross country rides. They both rode hard at these times, Isabelle trying to rid herself of feelings that haunted her every waking moment and disturbed her dreams and she presumed James felt the same.