The Confessions of Henry Hooter the Third (2 page)

“I think not,”

Says the Nepalese Apricot

“I think not…”

“What?

Hey, Apricot!

Think not what?”

“No, I think not,”

Says the Apricot

“I think not…”

“That there Apricot

Sure does think a lot!”

“I think not,”

Says the Apricot

“I think not…”

Larry the Locust

Is fond of his swarm

“Keeps me warm.”

Larry the Locust

Flies here and there

“Most everywhere.”

Larry the Locust

Could never live alone

No mind of his own.

Larry the Locust

There he goes!

Which one is he?

Nobody knows.

Where bananas straighten out by the hour

And the stinging coconut slowly loses its hair,

Have you been there?

I was – I swear!

Nuts there swell, shiver and grow sour,

Sad gorillas stare

At aero–bats sailing backwards through the air –

For a dare!

Swamps giggle as fish cower,

Sly crocodiles, weeping, glare

At snide parrots who don't give a care

Because there's zillions of them there.

Slimy waterfalls freeze, stumpy giraffes glower

And whistle a soft tune – so sweet and rare –

Before … splat! They tumble into the spider's

snare:

YES, I WAS THERE!

I no longer want to be a gooseberry!

But wouldn't it be merry – very –

To be a duckberry, – what?

I'd like that a quacking lot!

Or a turkeyberry for that matter

And never run out of chatter.

A swanberry – yes, that would be nice.

A swanberry – cool as ice:

With cygnetberries all in a row

Waiting to turn into snow.

Anything! Anything but a gooseberry!

I'm nothing but a hairy what's–the–use–berry!

The Carrot woke up

To the sound of a slicing scream;

Old Turnip spoke up:

“Young Carrot there's having a dream.”

The following night

Carrot woke up as before;

Turnip was right

“I'm afraid you're a bit of a bore!”

“Help! Help! It's a rabbit!”

“Oh, shut it!” says Turnip, “this is becoming a

habit!”

There were snails

on rails

and mice

on ice.

Dogs, hogs

and frogs

in clogs –

floundering in bogs.

Gnus

in pointed shoes

(their tootsies will bruise).

Llamas

in striped pyjamas.

Asses

with glasses.

Chimps

with limps –

such imps!

Cats, rats

and bats

in spats.

Yaks

in plastic macs –

(soaked to the bone,

all all alone,

they groan,

all trying to use the phone:

Hallo? Hallo? Ochone!)

Two fighting cocks

a stray fox

something rather like an ox.

A papoose

riding a moose

and a goose

with a screw loose.

And there with his easel

Wilfred the Weasel

painting a sun as small as a measle!

The Asparagus is learning French

Oui Oui!
and s'il vous plait;

The Jerusalem artichoke says “Mensch!

She getting crazier by the day!”

Nobody knows what she's saying,

She's been at this now for a week:

“Please stop this s'il vous plaiting

Or I'll speak Welsh!” says the leek.

Hedgy the Hedgehog

Is crossing the road,

I sure hope he makes it

And lives to be old:

“Come on Hedgy, hop it!”

He stops dead cold …

“Hop it?” says Hedgy,

I'm not a bloomin' toad!”

Miss Orange has a stutter,

Or, should one say a splutter?

It annoys Professor Apple

Who, as you know, is trying to grapple

With the flutterfly…

Oh my!

Stand back if you please, Miss Orange – back!

Out of my way!

Slorry, Professor Zapple, what did – what did

you slay?

A polar bear once went to sea

On a morning as cold as could be,

“This ice–floe,' he felt

Is unlikely to melt…”

But it did – when he went for a pee.

The onion's eyes are streaming

The tears drip down his nose

His two little ears are beaming

And this is how his story goes:

Oh woe is me.

Oh me is woe.

Look at that bunion

On my toe.

Poor onion!

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N
O
w

Henry Hooter is tired of mice:

“Put them on ice!

Put them on ice!”

Henry Hooter won't touch a fly:

“I'd rather die!

I'd rather die!”

Henry Hooter is fed up with life:

“I need a wife!

I need a wife!”

So he puts an ad in
The Owltime Review
:

Litter-bug litter-bug

Where have you been?

“Scattering rubbish –

I'm ever so keen!

Down by the waterfront

Up in the green

Searching for places

Still tidy and clean.

Well I've made such a mess

It's just got to be seen!”

Litter–bug litter–bug

You're mean

Real mean.

Far out in the sea lived a whale

With a great dashing lashing big tail.

It smashed as it bashed

And it crashed as it slashed

And it flashed – and got lost in the gale!

Miss Pear! Miss Pear!

Miss Pear is in despair

(She's really very sad!)

Miss Pear! Miss Pear!

Miss Pear – don't despair!

It can't be all that bad.

Miss Pear! Miss Pear!

Miss Pear! She doesn't care

(She's really glum!)

Miss Pear! Miss Pear!

She needs some air –

She's hopelessly in love with Mr Plum.

And this – this Plum? (Now that she has made

her heart bare).

The wretch! “But all I wanted was to peel Miss

Pear!”

How would you like to be

a weenshy little flea

a weenshy little flea

with a pain in one knee?

His knee is so small

he can't see it at all

“Is it growing pains I have?” says he.

Weenshy little flea

try a compress of cold tea

it works. Always worked for me.

“Hm… Maybe…”

sighs the flea.

“You see

what's worryin' me

is I'm in agony

but, golly gee,

only in the one knee …”

Spare a little thought for the fleas …

their little knees

The fire-eating moth is a sucker for fame

And dances and jumps to applause,

“There's nothing,” he says, “to compare with a flame,”

(Which he chews without using his jaws).

A remarkable fellow, the fire–eating moth,

He has never been scorched, as of yet …

Except once and he yelled: “This flame is thoo hoth!

Geth me a drink – one that's weth!”

It's two o'clock in the morning,

The crow has lost his way,

His wife in her sleep is turning,

Very soon it will be day!

At last he's found his nest,

He snuggles so quietly in:

When, nestling up to her breast,

Suddenly – there's an awful din!

“Caw Caw! He's back! He's back! He's back!

Caw Caw!” They sing and jeer.

“Sorry,” he says, “night was so black!

Breakfast in bed, my dear?”

I think I've got a slug, said the Cabbage,

Something's crawling over me,

Try to get it out .. can you manage?

Oh, please hurry Mr Chicory.

I'm doing my best, says Chicory. Lord above!

It's not a slug you've got – it's two!

And if I'm not mistaken, they seem to be in love –

No, not with one another, dear – with you!

“Nobody ever talks to me,”

says poor Canute Cucumber.

“Nobody takes a walk with me

or says I'm a cute Cucumber.

“What on God's earth can one do?

One feels so terribly green;

Must one wait till one's twenty–two

Before one is heard of or seen?

“Nobody ever talks to me,

I wonder is it my name?

Nobody takes a walk with me

Really, you know, it's a shame!”

Dark…

Dogs bark …

I hear them howl,

Growl…

WUFF!

What are they saying?

What are they baying?

Wuff! Wuff–wuff!

Wuff!

You'd think by now they'd had enough

“Who is crying over there?”

“Who disturbs the evening air?”

“Pineappple, is it you?

Are you blue?”

“Tell us what's wrong!”

“I pine … I pine for a song…”

“Oh pineapple! Silly, silly! Why pine?

Let us all sing,
Auld Lang Syne
!”

“Dr Spinach will see you now, Mr Banana,

Step right this way please.”

“Thank you Miss Parsley – I – I mean Anna –

Excuse me I'm going to sn- sneeze!”

“Well well, Mr Banana – let's see how you look.

Still green with envy, poor sod:

Take to your bed and read a good book –

The Koran, the Bible – anything, by God!”

There once was a small honey bee

Went out on the wide open sea,

Flying for hours

Searching for flowers –

It never came back for its tea.

Professor X does not agree

With either colleague, A or B:

“No no no, it cannot be …

You see …”

Professor B swallows a pill.

He has truly had his fill.

Professor X he'd like to kill.

“Someday I will,” he says, “I will.”

Professor A just stares ahead,

Hasn't heard a word's been said.

Got out wrong side of bed,

Only half alive, half dead …

Professor X says: “Well, that's that…”

Goes to put on scarf and hat.

Professor A says: “Look, a rat!”

Hits him with his brolly – splat!