The Cora Carmack New Adult Boxed Set: Losing It, Keeping Her, Faking It, and Finding It plus bonus material (39 page)

Epilogue

Max

T
HREE
M
ONTHS
L
ATER

I
hadn’t told him that I loved him yet, even though he said it to me a few weeks ago. We’d just passed the mark of my longest relationship, and even though I wouldn’t admit it to him, I was still afraid that I was going to screw this up somehow. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’d almost told him a dozen times, but those three words are the kind of thing you can’t take back. Once they’re out there in the universe, everything changes.

So, I was waiting for the right moment to make that change. Cade called them “beats,” an acting term he’d taught me when we’d been working on some of my music together.

I brushed more blush across my cheeks and smoothed on my signature red lipstick. Cade knocked on the bathroom door and said, “You ready, babe? We’re up next.”

Cade and I were singing at an opening mic tonight . . . together.

There was a song, the first song I ever wrote actually, that I was finally ready to sing, but I didn’t think I could do it without him. He hadn’t been comfortable singing at one of the band’s gigs, and I wasn’t sure this was a song I wanted associated with the band. This song wasn’t about getting a break or making money.

This song was just for me.

He asked, “Are you nervous?”

I smiled and said, “Only enough to throw up.”

He laughed and said, “You’ll be fine then.”

The bar was about half full as we took the stage. It was a big enough crowd that I didn’t feel like our singing was pointless, but not so big that I was overwhelmed. Cade pressed a kiss to my hand, and then took up the bass guitar. In true Golden Boy fashion, he’d learned to play in about a month so that he could play with me while I was writing. I took my guitar up, too, and adjusted the microphone.

The lights were just bright enough to cast the bar in darkness. I leaned into the mic and said, “My name is Max, and this is Cade. Tonight we’re singing an original song that I wrote a long time ago. I’ve never played it in public, and I finally decided it was time.” I took a deep breath. “It’s called ‘Ten Years.’ ”

I started with the familiar opening cords, and immediately all the old emotions rushed up under my skin. I took a deep breath, and thought about why I was doing this. The song had haunted me since I wrote it, and it was time to move past it.

I took a deep breath and started to sing. Cade sang with me, low and solid. His voice was an anchor to the song and an anchor to me.

“In one second, I see ten years

I picture a future of all my fears

One blink, and I think

Losing you is like losing me.”

I met Cade’s eyes and thought that in a few ways this song spoke to our situation as well. It had been three months, and we’d insinuated ourselves into each other’s lives so completely. Even associating him with a song about loss made me have to blink back tears. I was in danger of saying all the cheesy things about better halves and soul mates that I’d always laughed at in movies.

“Lights flash, the car spins

Every time I close my eyes I see

Broken skin, my life stretched thin

Every time I close my eyes I see

Broken skin and broken kin

The end of you feels like the end of me.

“There’s a scream in my soul

’Cause I’ll never feel whole

I’m stuck in the moment. My mind’s on repeat

Trapped in an instant I can’t delete

“Time unravels, my life unspools

The future has made us all into fools

You’re lying there, and I’m stuck in my chair

All I’m allowed to do is stare.”

I got so choked up on the verse that my voice broke, and I had to take a break and repeat some of the guitar part before I was able to come in for the next verse. Cade was so in tune and perceptive that he followed me easily.

“We’re all slaves to the grave

Helpless to save

So we close our eyes to shut it out

Instead it becomes what we’re all about.”

I closed my eyes, and I did see it all as I sang. I remembered the images that had flashed through my mind of a life without Alex. I’d thought of all the moments in my life that she would miss, and how nothing would ever be the same without her. I was at nine years now, and though nothing was the same without her, life also wasn’t as bad as I had pictured it would be.

I glanced at Cade. Life wasn’t bad at all.

“In one second, I see ten years

Can’t hold it back any more than the tears

I see black dresses, life’s stresses

Imagine the grief, loss of belief

My life unfolds as yours is untold

“Every time I close my eyes.”

Cade repeated the last line alone, and when I heard his low and steady voice, I finally felt like my ghosts had been put to rest.

People started clapping, and I looked at him over the microphone and mouthed, “I love you.”

I blinked, and just like that I saw ten more years unfold.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

T
hank you to William Morrow and Amanda Bergeron for believing in my writing, and working so incredibly hard to get it out into the world so quickly. And Amanda, thank you for helping make Cade as awesome as he is. Thank you to Jessie Edwards for being made of awesome and believing in sunken ships with me. Thanks also to Molly Birckhead, Pam Jaffee, and all the rest of the HarperCollins team for doing such a fabulous job.

Thank you to the epic and amazing Suzie Townsend. I am eternally grateful to have a literary gladiator like you on my side. Thanks also to Kathleen, Pouya, Joanna, Danielle, and the rest of the New Leaf Team. You guys keep my world spinning.

Thanks to Kathleen Smith for the information. Thank you to Jennifer, Colleen, Wendy, Sophie, Kathleen, and Molly for reading this book in advance and loving it. I was kind of petrified, and you guys gave me so much confidence. Thank you to Ana for all the things you do and all the things you are, and for making me feel like I’m more awesome than I am. Thanks to Lindsay for being the person with whom I can share absolutely anything, and for always sharing back. Thank you also to Joey, Patrick, Bethany, Shelly, Zach, Kristin, Sam, Marylee, Kendall, Swinter, Louise, Tyler, Brittany, Michelle, Heather, Amber, DeAndre, Matt, Mark, Mere, Michael, Leesa, and so many other friends. I’m so thankful to have you all in my life. Thank you to my former students (even though you aren’t old enough to read this; close this book right now). Thank you to Marisa, Stacey, Sarah, Michelle, Jamie, El, Molly, Aimee, Kim, Kathryn, Nichole, Julie, and Marice. I love you guys.

I wish I could list each and every blogger, Twitter follower, Facebook friend, and reader who has supported me and my writing. But there are so many of you (for which I’m extremely grateful) that it could fill a whole other book. Just know that I appreciate and love you all so much. All of this is for you!

Thank you to my family. I have the best family in the world, and not just because we rock freckles better than anyone else. This all still feels like a dream. And well, it is a dream . . . one I couldn’t have achieved without your love and support.

And to that guy I threw an Easter egg at in Queens at two in the morning because I thought you were someone else . . . I’m sorry for being the most awkward person to ever walk on two legs.