The Cost of Commitment - KJ2 (27 page)

Basher scratched his chin stubble and considered. “Tweety’s due for a hearin’ day afta tomorra. It’s his fifth one in ten years, an’ he knows he ain’ neva gettin’ out ’til his twenty-five is up. You get the bigwigs to let him walk, and that oughta do it.”

“Done,” Breathwaite hissed.

“Alrigh’ then. I’ll go to da bros an’ tell dem to watch what happens wit Tweety. Then we’ll see whats dey’s wantin’ ta do.”

Two days later they were back in the apartment. Basher’s eyes were wide with a mixture of surprise and respect.

“Ya did it. Man, I ain’ neva seen nothin’ like it. Guy’s in fo’ really bad shit an’ he walks out da fron’ door free as a bird. Tweety’s one lucky man. No shi’.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Breathwaite said impatiently. “Are your boys in or not?”

“Shi’ yeah. Man does somethin’ like that wit’ no more than a snap of a finga, yeah they’s in.”

“Good. Here’s how it’s going to happen. I want some of your buddies outside in D yard for their rec time just after dinner and others staying behind on the block.” Breathwaite pulled out a schematic of the Attica state penitentiary. On it, clearly marked, were cell blocks A, B, C, D, and E. Times Square sat right in the center of blocks A through D and was the one-story area where all four of those blocks intersected. It was
Lynn Ames

highlighted in red. He pointed to where he had circled the D block recreation yard and to the floor where Basher had been housed. “I’ve marked everything clearly.”

“Man, you don’ hafta tell da bros how ta create chaos, they’s got that cova’ed. All I needs ta know is how you expect them ta get to da target, and how you espec me ta git that map ta the bros.”

“Don’t worry about the map, my man on the inside will take care of that. As for getting to Kyle, when it becomes clear to the administration that the incident is getting out of hand, they’ll send the big guns from headquarters, including her.”

“Yeah, but they sure as hell ain’ gonna go on the block with four hun’red inmates carryin’ on.”

“No,” Breathwaite tried to stay patient, “but the riot will attract the media. She will have to deal with them. In order to do that, she’s going to have to walk through Times Square to get out the front door and across the street to an area where the reporters will be standing by.” He traced the route with his finger on the map. “That’s how she’ll supply them with updates.”

“Yeah? How you know dat?”

Breathwaite sighed. “You’re just going to have to take my word for it. She’ll be unarmed and by herself. Your buddies should take her on one of her trips outside to brief the press, but don’t kill her in Times Square—it’s too accessible and there are too many chances for something to go wrong. No,” he smiled evilly, lost in his own personal fantasy, “let the boys take her back to the unit and have some fun.”

Kate’s head was pounding. It had been a long day, and it wasn’t over yet. She had intended to get out and do some Christmas shopping for Jay, but one crisis after another had waylaid her until it was too late to shop.

The last time she had celebrated Christmas was the year before her parents died. Since then, guilt and remorse had kept her from allowing herself to enjoy what had been her favorite holiday. Now, with Jay in her life, she was ready to reclaim a tradition she’d lost.

This first Christmas in her house, Kate was determined, would be a grand, fun, and romantic affair just for the two of them. She couldn’t wait. As a surprise for Jay, she had already bought a huge Douglas fir and decorated it. But she had a lot more work to do to make Christmas everything she thought it should be. Although she hadn’t had time to talk to Jay about her plans, she felt sure that she would be pleased.

She sighed, rubbing her temples and eyeing her briefcase, which was stuffed with memos that she hadn’t gotten to review before leaving the office. She missed Jay terribly. Her house, which had once been her
The Cost of Commitment

personal haven and buffer from the rest of the world, now seemed empty and cold without her lover in it. Even Fred was feeling a bit blue. Rather than running around the house with a stuffed toy in his mouth, he was lying on his bed, moping.

As if on cue, the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hi, my love.”

“Hey, sweetheart. How’s it going?” Kate tried to push the pain in her head aside.

“Oh, Kate, it’s amazing. I spent the day today talking with a Navajo singer, or medicine woman. So much of their approach to medicine is about healing the spirit. They use sand paintings that take days to produce to help the patient restore harmony and balance with their environment. Then, when the ceremony is done, they destroy the painting! I wasn’t allowed to see a completely correct painting, because the Navajo believe that will invite evil spirits, but the singer did show me one being created for artistic purposes.”

Although Kate was somewhat familiar with Native American healing rituals, she kept quiet, preferring to let Jay share her excitement.

“Oh, Kate, it’s so different from our scientifically based approach.”

“Yes, it is.” The amusement was clear in Kate’s response.

“I’m sorry, love. Here I am, going on and on.”

“I love hearing you go on and on when you’re excited about something. I’m glad you’re enjoying the experience, sweetheart. Sounds like it will make a great story.”

“Oh, yes. Over the next few days I’m going to travel with the singer to the various parts of the reservation. It’s such an eclectic mix of traditional Navajo ways and western cultural influence. For instance, they may live in a hogan, but they have television. Go figure.”

“Mm-hmm.”

Jay paused a beat. “As much as I’m happy to be here learning new things, I miss you, Kate.”

“I miss you, too, baby. The house seems awfully empty without you.

Even Fred is sulking.”

“Aw. I’ll buy him an extra stuffed toy for Christmas.”

“He’ll appreciate that.”

“Oh my God. I almost forgot. Speaking of Christmas, you’ll never believe it. My mother called and left me a message at the office, which she never does. She wants me to come visit so we can have an old-fashioned Christmas like we used to do when I was a kid. It was about the only day I looked forward to all year. This would be the first Christmas I’ve actually celebrated since I left for college.” Jay prattled on excitedly, “Of course, I told her I would never come unless you were
Lynn Ames

invited, too, so she agreed. I figured we could fly out there the day before and leave the day after. What do you think?”

Kate thought her head would explode. Her pulse pounded in her ears.

“What did you tell her?” Her voice sounded strange and strangled, even to her own ears.

“I told her I would talk to you about it, but that it sounded great.”

“You told her what?” Kate was incredulous.

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Kate got up and began pacing around the living room. When she got to the glittering tree that graced the corner, she turned around angrily and strode in the other direction. “What’s wrong?

How can you ask me that? You go off and unilaterally commit us to spend Christmas with your parents, a father who abused you for years and a mother who stood by and allowed it to happen, and you want to know what’s wrong?”

“They are my parents, the only set I have,” Jay answered hotly, “and they are reaching out to me. Why can’t you be happy about that?”

“They aren’t reaching out to you, Jay, they’re trying to get you home so they can talk some sense into you. Don’t you get it? They’ve just found out you’re gay and hooked up with some disgraced woman, and they want to get their hands on you to straighten you out again.”

“You don’t know that.”

Kate made a noise of disgust. “It’s as obvious as the nose on my face.”

“Yeah, because you know my parents so well,” Jay retorted sarcastically.

“I don’t have to know them to know what they’re up to. Do you think they’re the first parents to think that if they could just talk to their child they could show her the error of her ways and fix her?”

“Oh, so now let’s generalize. You have no idea what my parents are about.”

“You’re right. I can’t fathom a father who would do to his daughter what yours did, and I can’t abide a mother who would stand by and do nothing to stop it. I have absolutely zero desire to meet your parents, Jay.

None. Zippo. If you want to spend our first Christmas with them, so be it.

You’ll do it without me.”

“Great. Here I thought I could finally go home and feel safe there because I’d have you by my side, and you won’t even give me that.

Guess I know where I stand.”

“If you want to look at it like that, which is ridiculous by the way, then how should I feel about the fact that it’s our first Christmas together, and you don’t even want to spend it with me alone?”

The Cost of Commitment

“You haven’t once mentioned Christmas and any plans for us. Now all of a sudden I’m supposed to know you had this big plan? What am I supposed to do, read your mind?”

“No, Jay,” Kate said bitterly, “you’re supposed to know how much I love you, which might have led you to believe that I had something planned.”

“Sorry,” Jay said, “the crystal ball’s in for repairs and my Vulcan mind meld’s a little off. I’ll just call my mother and tell her we can’t make it.”

“Don’t bother,” Kate said resignedly, “I’ll go with you.”

“No. I wouldn’t want you to have to spend Christmas with the family from hell.”

“Jay...”

“Never mind. Anyway, I’ve got to go. I’ll be out of touch for a few days because the reservation is a big place and we’ll be traveling around a lot.”

“Jay...”

“So I’ll talk to you later in the week. Bye, Kate.”

Kate sat there, a dial tone buzzing in her ear, wondering how a conversation that had started off so well had gone so horribly wrong.

Was that her fault? Why couldn’t Jay, who was so smart, see what her parents were trying to do? Why did she want to have anything to do with her father, especially? It made no sense to Kate. She looked at the tree, with its shiny balls and tinsel, her dreams for a beautiful, private Christmas shattered, and cried.

Half a country away, Jay was crying, too. Why couldn’t Kate understand that her parents were her parents, regardless of their faults and flaws? She thought about a conversation she’d had several months earlier with Barbara.

Jay twisted her hands in her lap. “Maybe one of the hardest things is
that my feelings about my parents are so muddled.” She looked up at
Barbara, who had listened to her entire story in silence, nodding with
compassionate understanding and offering a reassuring touch when
appropriate.

“Do you think it’s possible to love someone and hate them at the
same time?”

“Of course,” Barbara said gently.

Jay struggled with her thoughts. “I’m not saying that quite right. I
guess what I mean is, is it strange to hate the things that my father did to
me but still want to have a normal relationship with my parents?”

Lynn Ames

“I don’t think so. Everyone wants the kind of family they know they
should have had growing up. As an adult, you still crave that, and it’s
natural that you should.”

“In spite of everything?”

“Sometimes.”

“I’ve tried to explain it to Kate. You know, how convoluted and
complicated my feelings are about my parents—that I love them in a way,
and want a relationship with them because they’re my folks, but that it
doesn’t mean I’m okay with the way my father abused me or the way my
mother turned a blind eye.”

“Mm.”

“She doesn’t understand the concept of loving someone who’s caused
so much damage and pain. To her, he hurt me and he doesn’t deserve to
have me in his life. Period.”

“Knowing Kate and her strong sense of right and wrong, it would be
hard for her to get past your parents’ actions. Combine that with the fact
that we’re talking about you—the person she loves most in the world—

and I’m not surprised that she feels the way she does. In her mind, she’s
trying to shield you from further pain, even though you’re not asking for
her protection.”

“Exactly.”

“That must make it hard for you.”

Jay shrugged. “A little bit. When I do talk to my parents, mostly my
mother, I do it from my apartment in New York. The conversations are
stilted, and I tell them nothing about my private life, but I can’t seem to
divorce them entirely. I don’t really want to.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel, Jay. There are lots of
people out there who’ve been through what you have and feel the same
way.”

Jay sighed wistfully. “Maybe someday I can introduce Kate to my
folks and she can see for herself that they’re not complete monsters, just
flawed human beings.”

She had hoped that, with this invitation for Christmas and her lover by her side, seeing her father wouldn’t be so difficult. Kate’s presence would act like a protective blanket, shielding her from the hurt and fear.

Jay wanted to be able to get past those things. Going to see her parents together with her lover, she had hoped, would accomplish that. Now, she was sure she’d never get that chance.

“Still haven’t heard from Jay?”

“No.” Kate sat, looking utterly miserable, in Barbara’s kitchen.

The Cost of Commitment

“It’ll be fine, you’ll see.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You didn’t hear how hurt and disappointed she was.”

“And she didn’t know how much this Christmas meant to you, so you’re even.” Barbara shook her head. “What a pair.”

“Yeah. We sure are.”

“When’s she due back?”

“I wish I knew. The original time frame was supposed to be ten days, which means she should be coming home the middle of next week.”