The Cowgirl Rides Away (Bluebonnet Texas Book 1) (22 page)

Love Zack.

Dear Zack…

"Come home soon," kept echoing through my head as I stared at the blinking cursor, trying to figure out what to say. I'd showered after my ride, then booted up my laptop, hoping for a minute to read his email. The clock was ticking; soon Kane would be pounding on my bedroom door.

Dear Zack,

Trust me. No gloating here. Not even a little. I don't even know where to begin, but I wanted to let you know I'm okay. Angry, but okay. I think I owe you some sort of explanation.

By the time I finished what was probably the longest email I'd ever written, my anger at Kane had dissipated even more. I could almost hear Zack in my head imparting some artistic bit of wisdom.

And dinner, well, dinner was…tense. But that was to be expected. My presence was unannounced and unwelcome by my step-mother and Caron, who kept Cutter pinned to her side once we got back from our ride. My little sister had a lot of growing up to do and Cutter was just the man to make it happen.

"Jessa, how long are you planning on staying?" Marlene asked.

"Just through the wedding." I winked at Jace across the table from me.

"Then what?" Daddy asked from the other end of the table.

The flip, happy, over-confident side of me wanted to say move to Texas and buy a ranch, but the truth was I had no definite plans and I wasn't about to put all my cards out on the table in front of Marlene so that she could pick me apart. "Sell my condo. Settle down somewhere. Maybe down in Texas."

"The Gulf is nice," Kane murmured from beside me. I didn't miss the slight tinge of laughter in his voice either. Kane had no love for Marlene, same as me; he'd only come because he was Cutter's best man.

"You and Kane finally going to settle down?" Marlene asked.

For the briefest moment you could have heard a pin drop, then I laughed at the irony and stupidity of it all. All these years and they had no idea who Kane really was and I wasn't about to tell them. Not yet. I ignored her question. "I suppose I could get a job on one of those fishing boats if the horse breeding thing doesn't take."

"God, not that one we went out on year before last. When was that, Thanksgiving?"

"Haaaaaa, yes. I thought for sure that old thing was gonna come apart on us but it didn't. And you caught that dang shark, too." I smiled over at Daddy and said, "We had shark for Thanksgiving, no chestnuts, no cornbread stuffing." The memory, a good one, made me smile. We'd had a great Thanksgiving. The realization that we could have gone to Louisiana and been with family sobered me and my smile faded.

Dad looked positively grim, almost as if he'd read my mind, and then he said, "That's an awful long way from home."

"Yup." My anger at two of the most important men in my life simmered below the surface. "You sound surprised."

Daddy slowly lowered his eyes to his plate and resumed eating his pot roast.

"Maybe this year we can spend the holiday in Louisiana with your family," I said to Kane.

He flinched, then turned his attention to his plate. "If you want."

"Oh my God," Marlene muttered. "You two are settling down then."

"I never said that."

"Then what are you saying, Jessalyn?" Dad sighed and sat back in his chair. "I thought you'd come home and help run the ranch."

"You know better than that, Dad. We both do."

"Happy trails, sis," Colby said.

"Grow up, Colby and stop being such a jealous little baby." Ignoring the slightly panicked vibes I was picking up from Jace, I returned my attention to my dinner.

"I'll thank you to remember whose table you're sitting at, young lady." Marlene's voice could have fractured ice cubes.

"Yes, ma'am, I surely do. It's Dad's table and Dad's land. And before that, it was my granddaddy's land. Shall I continue?"

"Don't smart-mouth your mother," Daddy growled, his eyes still downcast.

I'd given him one but giving him two was impossible. Under the table I felt Kane's hand gently squeezing my knee. I jerked my leg away.

"She's not my mother."

***

When I got back to the cabin, I had an email waiting for me from Zack.

Dear Jessa,

When shit hits the fan, it really flies, huh? I understand your anger. I don't blame you one bit, and again, I'm not upset with you for leaving. If I'd found out what you did and then got hit with Delaney, I'd probably have taken off too. I want you to know that. I wish I had a simple solution for you but all I have is this: Sometimes we have to make the best decision we can—and then we have to live with them. Like the decision I made about Travis, like the decision my parents made about Delaney, and even like the decision your cousin, Kane, made to not be completely honest with you.

I get that you're torn over being forced into retirement, and for what it's worth, I'm not sure I could have watched you ride. It probably would have scared the crap out of me :) . As for the rest, I know you'll figure it out. I have faith in you. So does Aunt Susie.

We miss you. See you soon.

Love Zack

After I was done, I went out to join Kane on the front porch.

"Lil' Bit, that was quite a performance at the supper table. It even topped your game of tag."

Kane left his chair and took a seat beside me on the porch steps and handed me a glass half full of scotch.

"Amazing how I just suddenly don't give a shit anymore." With a
hmmpf
, I sipped my scotch, letting it slide down my throat. "I'm tired, John," I said, using his given name for once. "Tired of all of this."

The sun was gone and I was thankful for the thick jacket I'd confiscated from my room while Marlene washed dishes. I'd also grabbed an extra pair of boots and a couple pairs of old jeans. It was sad, but there wasn't much else in there for me to take. I wondered what Marlene had done with all my old trophies and ribbons.

"Then why did you come? Why are you here? You said you weren't coming." Squeezing my shoulder, he added, "You look good, by the way. What's his name?"

"His who," I murmured in my glass.

"His whoever it is that put that swing in your hips."

"My hips don't swing." I punched him in the arm hard enough to get a grunt from him for my efforts.

"They do now," he said with a laugh.

"You know why I'm here; I came to talk to you…and Dad," I said softly. Then I told Kane all about Zack. Everything. Including that I'd slept with him. "You know what I was thinking about during dinner?"

"Louisiana."

"Yeah, and all those Thanksgivings and Christmases that I missed." It wasn't a dig. Just the truth of the matter. I loved him. He was my oldest and dearest friend. Eventually I'd get over it all, but some things just needed to be said.

He stepped inside the cabin and returned with the bottle, pouring more in both our glasses and sitting beside me. I looked into the pale green eyes of my best, oldest and dearest friend and thought about it as tears slipped down my cheeks. About the family that apparently wasn't mine to have and the circumstances I'd never be able to change. About myself and my career. Deep down inside, I could finally admit I was glad to retire, as much as it hurt me to disappoint my father. I now knew I couldn't make him love me by rodeoing. I couldn't make him love me at all. I had no career, no job, other than my singing gig at the dancehall, and even that was up in the air. I was adrift, but in some ways, I felt more peaceful than I had in years.

In some ways, I suppose John Kane was also a part of my history. A huge part. A bigger part than I'd ever imagined.

"I've got something for you." He fished a tiny pouch out of his pocket and handed it to me. I dried my face and then opened it up. Inside was a plain gold chain, nothing fancy, with a plain cross on it. "Was it hers?"

"Granny Jo's? Yeah."

"You know this doesn't make up for anything." But I handed it back to him, turned and lifted my hair so he could put it on me. He did, his fingers sending a shiver down my spine.

"I wish I'd known. I just wish I'd known," I said, trying to visualize the life I might have had if Dad had sent me to live with my grandparents. I set my glass down, and hugging my coat around me, stood. "I need to be alone."

"I understand."

It was late and full dark, so I didn't wander far thanks to the possibility of predators. Occasionally I'd hear a car drive by on the county road, but for the most part, it was peaceful—the exact opposite of how I felt on the inside. A light breeze carrying God's perfume—grass, earth, and animals—ruffled my hair. I stood at the holding pen near the house for the longest time, my eyes closed, letting the night sounds and animal sounds clear the fog in my head.

Up at the house, a light came on. The last thing I wanted right then was company.

By the time I got back from my walk, Kane was stretched out on the couch snoring his head off.

***

I slept in the following day, then spent the rest of the morning trying to avoid both Colby and Marlene. My luck ran out though and the walk from the cabin to the house was shorter than I would have liked. Two of Daddy's hands, plus Colby, Jace, Kane and Cutter, worked on the tent for the reception while some women from town sat up on the porch with Marlene putting together silk flower arrangements. Every now and then Marlene would look up and yell some comment or another about it being crooked or off center.

"Morning, Sunshine." Jace stopped long enough to give me a quick, sweaty hug.

"Do they have some sort of backup plan in case the weather turns?" I asked, motioning to the muddy ground.

"Not my problem," Jace said with a snicker.

I shook my head and tugged my quilted flannel shirt around me, wishing I'd grabbed my coat. The warm early-May sun didn't do much good against a chilly spring breeze.

"Nice of you to finally join us." Colby turned, hands propped on his hips.

Between my slight hangover, fatigue and my sore knee from all the driving and my ride yesterday afternoon, I was
not
in the mood, and it took everything I had to keep from grabbing the hammer out of his hands and wiping the perpetual smirk off his face. No way would I give Little Mama's Boy the satisfaction of scrapping with him, especially in front of his mother.

Instead, I gave him my most angelic smile. "You need someone to supervise?"

Kane snickered. "I haven't seen your dad all morning, sugar."

"Sugar? Since when is she your sugar?" Colby sneered.

I glanced at Kane and shrugged, my jaw aching from the forced smile. I shook my head 'no' just the tiniest bit at him and he nodded. He'd stand down unless it got out of hand. Even after all our talking and fussing, he still had my back. He, at least, was still family.

"You too good to give us a hand or what?"

He just wasn't gonna let up.

"She can't with her shoulder," Jace said.

"Oh yeah," he said with a harsh laugh. "How's it feel to know you'll never win the All-Around? What's it like to be a washout at twenty-five?"

Kane looked grim, his lips pressed in a thin, tight line. And I knew his eyes, shaded by his ball cap, were narrowed into slits.

Colby threw down his hammer and stepped closer. Something had put him in a bad mood and he was obviously spoiling for a fight, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction. Not the kind of fight he wanted, anyway.

"I'm twenty-six," I finally said.

The clucking on the porch stopped. Jace looked like he'd swallowed a chicken. The two hands looked ready to run— as long as they'd been with Daddy, the poor guys knew about my temper
and
my feud with Colby.

Colby's smirk turned into a frown of confusion and, behind him, Kane's lips twitched. "Huh?"

"You asked me what it was like to be a washout at twenty-five. I'm twenty-six." With a slow shake of my head, I stepped closer, not even trying to hold back the bubble of near-hysterical laughter. I raked my fingers through my hair, pushing it back off my face, feeling lighter than I had in a long time. Freer. "And the last time I checked, I had five gold buckles to my name. Buckles bigger than your sorry, pimply ass that say I'm a five-time World Saddle Bronc Champ."

His frown became a scowl as everyone behind him laughed. And from the porch steps I heard more laughter—from the women, and one deep baritone that echoed across the yard.
Daddy.

I tilted my head to the side and in my sweetest voice, I asked, "How many do you have again?"

He shoved me and I went down ass over tea kettle, doing my best to stay off my left shoulder.

"That's enough, Colby Aloysius Stratton," Daddy hollered, stepping down into the yard.

Kane helped me up and I dusted myself off. I wasn't fighting. I couldn't afford to scrap with Colby, not after all the time I'd spent in physical therapy. By the time I got my bearings, Colby and Jace were rolling around on the ground. Dad was hollering for them to stop. And there was a car coming up the drive.

Knowing my luck it was the minister come for some last-minute something or other about the wedding.
Great!

I sighed, catching Cutter's eye and motioning for him to step in.