The Cowgirl's Secret (The Diamondback Ranch Series #) (17 page)

"All I remember is that I wanted you from the first moment I saw you." His smooth deep voice washed over her, tempting her to toss her goals and dreams aside, anything to keep Sam in her life.

She had to be strong, had to keep the ultimate prize in sight. She inhaled a deep shaky breath. She could do this; she had to pursue her degree. Without distraction. Without Sam. "That was lust, not love," she said dismissively.

He nodded and one corner of his lips tilted in a half-smile. "Pure and simple."

That almost-smiled tugged at her heartstrings. She gritted her teeth. She had to be brave and keep to her resolve. "Right. Lust, pure and simple. Not complicated in the least. Except I didn't count on falling in love with you."

He reached down and touched her hair, moving his hand lower and cupping her jaw. His voice was soft, almost a whisper. "But you did fall in love with me. And now you're ready to throw it all away. I don't understand, babe."

Tori cringed inside, because the reality of throwing it all away made her heart ache unmercifully. "I don't want to throw it completely away. I want you in my life. I
do
love you. But I know how I am, how it's been with me since I started dating you. I don't have what it takes to get married and finish school at the same time. I can't risk it.
I have to finish school. I have to be a vet.
"

He stepped back, and she immediately felt the loss of his touch, the loss of the familiar heat of his body. How would she survive without Sam? Cooling things off with him--breaking up--was the most difficult thing she'd ever had to do.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I don't want to lose you. I love you too much."

Every time he said he loved her, a little of Tori's resolve chipped away. "You won't lose me. You just have to let me go for a little while."

Sam's brows slanted in a frown again. "Your concept of time is intriguing. Again, four years is
not
a little while."

She lifted her chin. "If our love can't survive for four years, then it's not very strong, and we're not meant to be together. You have to trust in the strength of our feelings for one another."

"Life's a crap shoot, and I don't think I can do that." Sam reached out a hand and pulled her to her feet. "So I guess this is goodbye, babe."

Tori searched the rugged features she'd come to love so well. His face looked carved from stone, he held his sculpted lips firmly together, his mouth in a flat line. She could see the blood visibly beating in the taut cords in his neck. She swallowed a sob. "Not goodbye forever.
Not forever, Sam
."

"I think it's probably for the best." His voice was low and raspy.

"
But
. . ."

"You can't have it both ways, babe." He kissed her one last time, and Tori felt all the pent up passion, anger and fury. Sam ravaged her mouth--devouring, branding, marking her. It was like he was making sure she'd never forget what she'd thrown away.

He jerked his mouth from hers and set her away from him. "Good bye, Tori."

She stayed where she was, touching trembling fingers to her lips. The front door slammed behind him, and she crumpled to the sofa, tears and sobs consuming her.

My God! What had she done?

CHAPTER EIGHT

Tori had less than a month to get her academic record straightened out. She talked to her advisors and professors, focused all her energy on her classes, then studied for finals like she'd never studied before. She passed with respectable grades and finalized the paperwork for vet school, but every moment of every day, she felt as if something vital had been yanked from her soul; something essential lost forever.

Finally, everything was set in motion to begin the next phase of the rest of her life. She should be ecstatic, right? Instead, it all seemed anticlimactic. She missed Sam. She
ached
for Sam.

During those last hectic weeks before graduation, she'd tried her best not to think about him. Tried not to second-guess about whether she'd done the right thing. Whether she'd ruined her one chance for true love.

When he'd said they'd make a clean break, he hadn't been kidding. No phone calls, no emails, no texts. No nothing. That's what she'd wanted, wasn't it? Then why was she hurting so badly? Why did her heart feel so battered, so empty?

How many times had she picked up her phone, ready to call him, ready to tell him she'd made a mistake? Tell him all that mattered was their love for one another? That everything else wasn't important? How many times had she put it down again, because she knew she'd only feel half-alive if she didn't become a vet? But without Sam in her life, she felt empty and dead, so what did it matter?

Her brain was like one of those hamster wheels, always turning, never getting anywhere. She went round and round in her mind about Sam and school, fluctuating back and forth but never finding a workable solution.

Graduation came and went. Tori greeted her family who had driven in from the ranch to see her walk and receive her diploma. She'd pasted on a smile and hoped they wouldn't think anything amiss. She'd never told them about Sam, and she wanted to keep it that way. She didn't need her brothers going all macho and protective about their baby sister. She didn't want their pity, didn't want her mother's well-meaning sympathy, either. She was hanging on to her sanity and nerves by a mere thread as it was. One word or look of commiseration, and she'd be a blubbering basket case.

So when they finally left to go back to the Diamondback Ranch, Tori felt a little guilty waving goodbye. Guilty and glad she didn't have to pretend to be cheerful all the time.

She would see her family soon enough when she returned to Salt Fork to work with Doc Pritchard at his clinic during the summer months. Then she'd be headed to College Station and A&M and her future.

But first, she had to help Raenell get married. Tori had promised to throw a bridal shower for her friend, and that kept her busy during those first days after graduation. After that, there were dress fittings for the bridesmaids, and all manner of details Tori volunteered to do in preparation for the wedding. It kept her hands busy and her mind occupied during the days.

Nights were another matter. Sam invaded her dreams now more than ever. From the moment her head hit the pillow to the blast of the morning alarm on her cell phone, images of Sam bombarded her sleepy thoughts making her restless and edgy and wanting. She would remember his smile that never failed to warm her heart, the heat in his brown eyes that never failed to ignite a hunger in her blood. His consideration and gentleness when they'd first made love, then later the wild unleashed passion when he lost control and touched her very soul. His continued tenderness taking care in his mother, the strength and bravery he showed in the face of her impending death.

Was it any wonder she threw herself whole-heartedly into the preparations for Raenell's wedding? She pushed herself and worked like a Trojan, always with the hope that maybe she'd be so tired she'd fall into bed too exhausted to dream. It sounded good in theory, yet sucked in reality. But she kept busy and worked hard, just the same.

Tori managed to avoid bumping into Sam for almost a month, all the while steeling herself for the inevitable confrontation, what with both of them being in the wedding party and all. She would have to see and interact with him during the wedding rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, the actual ceremony and reception. She hoped to God she could stand by her decision, because not seeing Sam was killing her.

She tried not to think how stressed out she felt during what should have been such a joyful occasion. She vowed she would
not
ruin Raenell's wedding no matter what. Her friend was already upset about the break up. Like most brides, she wanted everyone around her to be in love and find true happiness with their very own soul mates. Unfortunately, real life didn't always work out that way.

Tori's cheeks hurt from smiling whenever Raenell looked her way; her brain hurt with always trying to act cheerful.

The wedding was scheduled to take place in an older church with a beautiful interior, with the reception hall situated next door. At the wedding rehearsal, Tori braced herself for her first glimpse of Sam since the night he'd kissed her goodbye forever. Entering the church, she quickly scanned the group of people gathered around the minister, noting with relief that Sam hadn't arrived yet. The short respite gave her time to dredge up a little courage for the moment she would see him again.

She set her bag on the back pew and made her way down the aisle toward the minister. Raenell smiled and motioned her over. The side door of the vestibule opened and Joe walked in with Sam by his side. Tori's breath stalled in her lungs and she almost stumbled, but caught herself before falling flat on her face in the middle of the aisle.

Sam's head shot her way and his eyes lasered in on her. For a frozen moment in time, it seemed all the others receded to the background, leaving only Tori and Sam alone, standing across from each other in the wide-open space inside the church.

She grabbed hold of the back of one of the pews to steady herself. Her heartbeat echoed in her head; her surroundings blurred around the edge of her peripheral vision. Was she going to faint? She'd never fainted before in her life. But then again, she'd never loved . . . or lost anyone, either.

Bravely, she continued down the aisle to stand near Raenell. Sam stood with Joe on the bride's other side. Tori angled herself beside her friend so she could steal a glance at Sam. Searing pain sliced through her midsection when she saw the grim look in those dark brown eyes. She quickly stepped back and when Raenell looked at her, Tori shook her head and forced a smile.

How foolish to think she'd adequately prepared herself to see Sam again. Gone were the heat and desire she was accustomed to seeing directed her way; instead, his eyes were cold and withdrawn, flat and impersonal. What had she expected? She'd thrown his love and proposal in his face. She'd broken it off with him; terminated the relationship.

Her choice. Her decision.
Had she been insane?

Tori drew in a tremulous breath. The minister's calm voice contrasted with the turbulent thoughts and emotions spinning round and round in her head. Now more than ever, here in this church, she wondered if she'd made the right choice, done the right thing. Would she ever feel normal again?

"Tori? Are you okay?" Raenell took her elbow and walked to the back of the church so they could rehearse the wedding march and ceremony.

"I'm fine," she lied, trying desperately to get hold of her riotous emotions. "Don't worry about me. I'll be all right."

"Okay. If you're sure . . ." Raenell broke away to stand with her father near the back of the church.

No, she wasn't sure at all, Tori thought. How in the world would she manage to get through the whole wedding day tomorrow without succumbing to the surge of emotions roiling inside? Just thinking about it made her heart pound and her stomach tumble.

Thank God, the bachelorette party had been last weekend. No way could Tori have faced the stress and strain of the big day had she been recovering from a hangover and trying to function on only a few hours of sleep.

It would all be stressful enough as it was. Tori prayed she'd have the strength to endure.

***

Saturday dawned sunny and hot. June in Dallas was always a scorcher. Tori showered, dressed and carefully applied makeup. She grabbed her bridesmaid's dress and was out the door in record time. She'd arranged to meet Raenell at the church and help her dress and get ready.

Pure chaos reigned in the bride's dressing room with all of the bridesmaids, Raenell and her mother, her sister and Tori, too. The laughter and excitement of the women proved contagious and went a long way in soothing Tori's nervous jitters about having to be in close proximity to Sam all day.

Finally, the big moment came when they all entered the church and took their assigned places. When it came Tori's turn to walk down the aisle, she gave Raenell one last hug then slowly made her way to the front of the church in time to the organ music. She avoided looking directly at Sam. She couldn't face the cold distance in his eyes again. Not yet.

When she reached the altar, she turned to face the congregation and watched Raenell float up the aisle toward her husband-to-be and a bright happy future. Her friend's beautiful face held such a glow of love and happiness that Tori felt a little stab of jealousy and envy. Once again, the thought that she'd made the wrong decision about Sam surged through her mind.

She couldn't stand it any longer and slanted a glance over at him where he stood next to Joe straight and tall in his black tuxedo. He was so handsome, her heart hurt with her loss. He caught her gaze for a fleeting moment with narrowed eyes and clamped his jaw tight, but he quickly regained his poise and smiled at the bride as she came to stand beside the groom.

The ceremony wasn't long, yet it was moving and powerful. Tori cried a little in happiness for her best friend
and
a little bit in sorrow for herself and what might have been with Sam.

She braced herself for the walk down the aisle, placing trembling fingers on Sam's arm. When they reached the doors of the church, he couldn't let go of her quickly enough. His rejection almost made her sick to her stomach. Silently, she stood beside him outside the church with the rest of the wedding party, waiting for the bride and groom to emerge.