The Crazy School (15 page)

“Because I didn’t want to get eviscerated all night over some pointless bullshit. Mindy was going to set me up, so I did it fi rst. She and I don’t like each other—I’m sure she’d characterize
me
as an annoying bitch.”

Mindy nodded.

“But here’s the thing, Tim,” I went on. “I feel like shit now because you guys went for her throat with such astonishing gusto. And she didn’t deserve that, even if she would’ve enjoyed the hell out of watching it happen to me.”

Nobody said a word.

“Okay, so I just felt like it was important to be honest for once.” I shrugged. “Mindy and I can keep on hating each other, and you guys can go right ahead and take out whoever you want for the rest of the session.”

Dhumavati cleared her throat. “Mindy, would you like to share with the group how you feel about what Madeline just said?”

Mindy simpered at me again, then she said, “I feel like Madeline needs to fi re herself.”

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“Oh, shut
up,
” said Lulu.

“Lulu, I’m feeling some hostility from you,” said Dhumavati.

“I’m feeling some hostility from me, too,” said Lulu. “I mean, for God’s sake
,
Dhumavati, Madeline’s right. What the hell is the point of sitting around tearing into each other like this?”

“Even if Madeline’s original intention tonight was dishonest, I certainly feel as though we’re clearing the air now. Don’t you think that’s worth doing?”

“If viciousness is the only thing we’ll accept as authentic emotion,” said Lulu. “But I refuse to concede that’s all there is.

I think it’s just what we’ve allowed ourselves to settle for.”

“We have a perfectly authentic way to express our positive feelings. That’s the whole point of appreciating one another,”

said Dhumavati.

Lulu sighed.

“I’d like to appreciate you for reminding us how important that is, Lulu,” said Dhumavati. “I agree with you that these meetings can all too often degenerate into accusation and shame-mongering. In fact, I’d like to see our time together put to more generous and compassionate use. But it’s not up to me.

That’s why we call it an open session—the agenda is yours, not mine.”

Pete raised his hand.

“What would you like to add to the discussion?” asked Dhumavati. “I value your input on what’s been said so far tonight.”

“I’d like to appreciate Lulu and Madeline,” he said. “They’ve made me feel incredibly welcome here, and I value our new friendship a great deal.”

Lulu was soothed by that, I could tell.

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“Thank you, Pete,” said Dhumavati. “I’m grateful to you for demonstrating what I was just trying to say.”

“My pleasure,” he said. “And I’d also like to do a turn-in.”

Lulu was suddenly looking a whole lot less soothed. I tucked my hands under my legs so no one could see how hard I was gripping the sides of my chair’s plastic seat.

“Good for you,” said Dhumavati. “And what would you like to do a turn-in for?”

“Smoking cigarettes,” he said.

My stomach threatened to give dinner an encore appearance right onto the carpet.

“On campus?” she asked.

“Friday afternoon,” he said. “But a couple of times off campus over the weekend.”

“Anything else you’d like us to know?” asked Dhumavati.

“That’s it,” he said. “I was feeling stressed. Now I regret the decision to cover that up with smoking.”

“How do you feel now that you’ve done your turn-in?” she asked.

“Better. It feels like it will be easier to resist the temptation now that I’ve admitted it.”

“That’s the whole point,” she said. “You have a fresh start.”

Pete smiled at her. “Thank you for that. I appreciate it.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to share?”

I held my breath.
Oh yeah, and I was with Lulu and Madeline,
who were smoking right along with me, and then I smoked pot at
Madeline’s house, and we’ve all been slamming down as much coffee as
we can get our hands on.

“No,” he said, “I think that’s about it.”

“Let’s let Pete know how much we appreciate his candor, shall we?” said Dhumavati, starting to clap again.

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We all joined in, Lulu and I somewhat more tepidly than the rest of the crew. Lulu caught my eye, the corner of her mouth twitching up in relief. Or maybe dismay.

I wondered what the point of him doing a turn-in was if he was going to lie about it. Was it meant to show what a good little lapdog he was? Or—to give him the benefi t of the doubt—was he was trying to come to my aid by defl ecting the conversation?

But then I wondered if he’d been hoping Dhumavati would ask him whether he’d been with Lulu and me at the time of his transgressions, given how quickly he’d tacked that turn-in on to his purported appreciation of us.

Pretty damn candyass, no matter how you sliced it. I just hoped Lulu would get that before she was tempted to open up to him any further. I sure as hell wasn’t about to waste any more Camels on the guy, even if he begged.

“Let’s go home early for a change,” said Dhumavati. “I think we could all use a break.”

People bolted out of the room like she’d fi red a starting pistol.

I fi gured I’d wait so as to avoid getting trampled. Lulu was of the same mind. She didn’t budge from her chair, just hummed

“Goodnight, Irene” under her breath.

Dhumavati stood up and started gathering her papers. “Are we all set for Fay’s birthday?”

“I baked a cake,” said Lulu. “It should have cooled enough for me to get the frosting on by now.”

“I’ll bring ice cream and paper plates and party hats,” said Dhumavati.

“I bought a box of candles,” I said, pulling them out of my jacket pocket.

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Dhumavati laughed. “You got off easy.”

“I have a feeling Lulu is way better at baking,” I told her.

“And thank you for letting us go early.”

“Madeline, you may not believe it, but I’m as sick of these meetings as you are. The human capacity for pointless sniping never ceases to amaze me,” said Dhumavati.

“I admit to being shocked,” I said.

“You think you had me fooled for a moment,” she said.

“Appreciating Mindy? That woman’s about as appreciate-able as head lice.”

“And here I thought you were a true believer waving your Little Red Book,” I said.

“It’s not that bad,” she said. “Sometimes the tension makes people bring up topics that actually matter. In Synanon, they called it the Game.”

“You were in Synanon?” I asked.

“Close enough,” she replied. “Why don’t you two go frost that cake?”

Lulu and I stood up.

“And for God’s sake get yourselves some better mouthwash.

I can’t stand smoker’s breath,” said Dhumavati.

Lulu and I just stood there, stunned, as she walked out of the room.

“Did somebody put acid in my coffee this morning?” Lulu asked me.

“Looks that way.”

“Luckily it was good acid,” said Lulu.

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21

It was dark in the woods about an hour after we’d fi nished supper in the dining hall. Lulu and I were toting the cake down to the Farm. She’d frosted it creamy white and written Fay’s name across the top in pale blue script, with little candy pearls.

“Should’ve brought my fl ashlight,” I said.

“We’re almost there. You’ve got a lighter?”

“Always,” I said. “You want me to hold it up so we can see?”

“I’m fi ne,” she said. “Just wanted to make sure we had something to light the cake.”

“Right here in my jacket,” I said fi ngering the Bic and the box of tiny pink candles in my pocket.

“I’m a little surprised Dhumavati’s letting us do this,” Lulu said.

“After that meeting?”

“Well, maybe not as surprised as I might formerly have been,” she admitted.

“I think she feels bad for Fay, you know?”

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“It gives me hope for this place—the kids
should
have a little celebration on their birthdays.”

We came out of the trees. The windows of the building below were lit up—rectangles of welcoming yellow light.

“What’d Sookie have to say yesterday?” asked Lulu, picking her way carefully down the hillside. “Anything useful? I forgot to ask you.”

“She wasn’t in her offi ce. Her kids have the fl u or something.”

“Yeah, there’s a nasty bug going around,” said Lulu. “The whole second fl oor in New Boys was down for the count over the weekend. We’ll probably get it, what with being shut up in all these damn meetings, breathing each other’s fumes.”

“Something else to look forward to.”

“At this point I’d pretty much welcome it. I could hole up in my bed for a couple of days with mugs of tea and some crappy novels.”

“Looking forward to the fl u,” I said. “That’s just sad.”

“Tell me about it,” said Lulu. “Pitiful.”

We reached the bottom of the hill and trudged toward the garden fence.

“Well, I’ll be dipped,” said Lulu.

“What?”

“First snow of the year. Check it out.”

She was right—I could see the onset of gentle fl akes drifting down across the building’s windows.

I stopped walking. “Makes it seem like it will be all cozy inside.”

“I doubt it,” she said. “Have you decided what we should do about Fay and Mooney?”

“No.”

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“I’ve been thinking we should talk to Dhumavati.”

“What?”

“After the party tonight,” said Luke.

I shivered but didn’t take another step forward.

“Madeline,” she said, stopping beside me, “I don’t know what else we can do. They’re kids. If they went on the road and anything happened? I can’t stomach that responsibility.”

“But can we live with what will happen if they don’t go?”

“Maybe there’s a third option if we come clean with Dhumavati. She seems like their best bet. And ours,” said Lulu.

“But telling her is the same thing as telling Santangelo,” I said. “We know that.”

“Do we? I’ve been wondering whether it’s that black and white anymore—especially after today’s meeting.”

I thought about that. Deep down, I knew the only reason I’d agreed to keep Fay and Mooney’s secret was that I had no fucking idea what to do about it—how to help them, how to be the grown-up who could make it all okay. And Lulu was right, I couldn’t imagine the pair of them surviving on their own. They were children. Damaged children.

But wouldn’t Santangelo just compound that damage?

“Why does Dhumavati want to take this leave of absence in the fi rst place?” Lulu continued, “I think it’s pretty obvious the woman’s wrestling with some rather profound doubts of her own.”

“I’m not sure the leave was Dhumavati’s idea. I get the feeling it’s more about Santangelo doubting her. Especially given his hints that she won’t be coming back.”

“So let’s ask her. We’ll start there. If she’s honest about that, maybe she really is a viable third option for Fay and Mooney.”

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“What can she do about it, even if she wants to run interfer-ence with Santangelo?”

“More than we can,” said Lulu.

“Maybe,” I said.

“Madeline, come on. The idea of those two kids out on their own with no meds, no skills, no jobs. What the hell are they going to do? You can’t hide them in your apartment.”

“They trusted me,” I said. “I promised them I’d help. I just don’t know how.”

“Maybe they wanted you to tell someone. Maybe that’s the only kind of help you can give.”

“You believe that?”

“I don’t know what to believe. I just don’t think we can handle it alone, any more than they can. With Fay pregnant—”

“What if she wasn’t?” I asked.

“She is.”

“Lulu, there must be a Planned Parenthood somewhere nearby. We could get her there.”

“And then what?”

“We bring her back.”

“What good does that do?”

“The main thing is she wouldn’t be sent home. From what Mooney told me, she’s better off here than with her parents.

That’s why the two of them want to run away—to keep Santangelo and her family from forcing her to have the baby.”

“I don’t know,” said Lulu.

“It’s a real third option,” I said. “If we work it right, no one else has to know.”

“They’d know she left campus.”

“So she’d get sent back to the Farm for a while. They’d corner her again. Whatever.”

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“And the baby?”

“Given the meds Fay’s on, would it stand a chance of being born healthy? Especially since they’ve upped her dosage.”

“I still think we should tell Dhumavati.”

“We have to talk it over with Fay and Mooney fi rst. Ask them what they want to do. If they agree to have us tell her, I’m all for it, but it’s gotta be their decision.”

“Madeline—”

“You’re going to say they’re just kids.”

“Because they are.”

“They’re both eighteen, Lulu. As of today they’re adults.”

She looked down at the cake in her hands. “In name only.”

“What else is there?”

“I wish to hell I knew,” she said. “But all right. Talk it over with them before we make any decisions.”

“Let’s get inside,” I said, starting toward the door of the Farm. “I’m freezing my ass off.”

“You should’ve worn pants.”

“I should’ve done a lot of things.”

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22

The living room seemed bright and hot after our walk through the woods. There were ten kids on the Farm, with Tim and Gerald on duty to complete the party. I tossed my jacket on a chair by the kitchen door as Dhumavati led us inside to light the candles.