The Curious Incident at Claridge's

Also by R. T. Raichev

The Hunt for Sonya Dufrette

The Death of Corinne

Assassins at Ospreys

The Little Victim

Constable & Robinson Ltd

3 The Lanchesters

162 Fulham Palace Road

London W6 9ER

www.constablerobinson.com

First published in the UK by Constable,

an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2010

First US edition published by SohoConstable,

an imprint of Soho Press, 2010

Soho Press, Inc.

853 Broadway

New York, NY 10003

www.sohopress.com

Copyright © R. T. Raichev, 2010

The right of R. T. Raichev to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library

UK ISBN: 978-1-84901-122-8

US ISBN: 978-1-56947-633-8

eISBN: 978-1-56947-898-1

US Library of Congress number: 2009044017

Printed and bound in the EU

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

To Kirstin—the very best of literary devotees

Author's Note

This is a work of fiction. All the characters are imaginary and bear no relation to any living person.

R. T. R.

Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

1 The Military Philosophers

2 Conduct Unbecoming

3 Poison in Jest

4 The House of the Lurking Death

5 Night and Silence

6 Blackmail

7 Beneath a Waning Moon

8 The Rendezvous

9 The Turn of the Screw

10 From the Life of the Detectives

11
Manoir de mes rêves

12 The Bafflement of the Elusive Baronet

13 Holy Dread

14 The Captive

15 This Sweet Sickness

16 The Reckless Moment

17 Prelude to Murder

18 The Water's Lovely

19 Alibi

20 Suspicion

21 Lord of the Rings

22 Cruel Intentions

23 The Lady Investigates

24 The Adventure of the Audacious Eavesdroppers

25 Playing Happy Families

26 The Bad Sister (1)

27 Mystery Monk

28 Major Payne Pulls It Off

29 Something Like a Love Affair

30 The Great Escape

31 What the Steward Saw

32 The Bad Sister (2)

33 A Guilty Thing Surprised

34 The Face of Trespass

35 The Sting

36 To Fear a Painted Devil

37 The Deadly Joker

38 Nemesis

1

The Military Philosophers

‘Gentlemen—the Queen.' Major-General Hailsham held up his glass.

‘The Queen!' They all raised their glasses.

‘His Royal Highness, the Duke of Edinburgh.'

‘The Duke of Edinburgh!' They drank again. They had already toasted the regiment, twice.

‘Shame HRH couldn't be with us today.'

‘Terrible shame. No question of him
not
wanting to be with us.'

‘Of course not. Circumstances beyond his control.'

‘HRH sent a message, saying he'll be with us in spirit.'

‘How frightfully thoughtful. Couldn't have wished for a better patron, what?'

‘Absolutely. Sound on every topic. The Army, the Navy, women, the Chinese, what's to be done about blacks, the
Cutty Sark
, the French, the global whatsit—am I missing something?'

‘Rain forests, the General Dental Council, the Mussulman menace, horses?'

‘Thank you, Savil. Yes. List as long as my arm. Practically endless. Horses? Horses
are
important, dammit. Can be a bit radical on occasion, true, but they
listen
to him, that's the bloody marvellous thing. They're not supposed to, they wouldn't admit to it, but they listen to him. HRH has ideas. Knows exactly what's to be done about things.'

‘They listened to him about Diana—'

‘Of course they did. And a good thing too, Ormsby. They said they didn't, but of course they did. MI5, MI6, the Ministry of Defence, the old HO, the old FO—they all listened to him.'

‘Confounded incompetents, but he's got them all eating out of his hand.'

‘Thank God for that.'

‘Thank God for that. There'd have been no end of trouble if they'd let things take their course. “Lady Diana Al Fayed”
,
that's what she would have insisted on styling herself, some such nonsense.'

‘Doesn't bear thinking about. The mother of the future King of England!'

‘Couldn't allow that sort of thing.'

‘Of course not. Pretty girl, good colour, but quite mad. Completely bonkers. Mixing with the wrong crowd and so on. Well, HRH saw to it. Knew where to draw the line.'

‘He is often misunderstood, mind, the liberal press tries poking fun at him, calls him gaffe-prone, a Nazi and I don't know what else, but he doesn't let that bother him one little bit. Well, there's nothing wrong with being radical, dammit.
Au contraire
. Somebody's
got
to be radical these days, wouldn't you say? Somebody's got to save us from tipping over the edge.'

‘Quite.'

‘Absolutely.'

‘There's one subject HRH never broaches.' Colonel Speke cleared his throat. ‘Sometimes a fellow asks an oblique kind of question, drops a heavy hint, but d'you know what?
He never gets an answer
.'

‘You mean …?'

‘
Yes
.'

‘Of course not. Out of bounds. Not the done thing.'

There was a pause as they all once more regarded the portrait on the wall.

‘Did—what was the chappie's name now?—do that one?' Brigadier Fielding asked. ‘Namby-pamby sort of chap. Never cared for him much, to tell you the truth, but they thought the world of him. Kept asking him over to Buck House. The sort of chap the Queen Mum favoured. You know. Beaton, that's it. He did them all, didn't he?'

‘It's an Annigoni, actually.'

‘Is it? Is there anything you don't know, Payne?' Colonel Weldon glowered boozily at him.

‘Payne knows all the answers.'

‘No, not really.' Major Payne made a self-deprecating grimace. ‘Wish I did.' He was sitting at the distinguished ‘top table'.

‘How he manages at his age I have no idea.' Colonel Speke shook his head. ‘No, not Payne. Payne's a young man. I mean HRH. How he manages to do
so much
. Where does he find the
energy
? He's two years older than me, you know.'

‘They give him
something.
Regular course, I am told.' General Savil lowered his voice. ‘German medico practically lives at Buck House now. No one's supposed to know. Top secret. Reliable source—lady-in-waiting—friend of m'wife's—play bridge together—sensible woman—got a head on her shoulders—talks in her cups—only way to get her going. They put him on a drip for two days, she says. He doesn't like it, grumbles a bit, but he submits, then he gets up and marches out, head held high, as good as new. As bright as a button. Roses in his cheeks and so on. Would create a stir, if it got round, so mum's the word. Regular as clockwork, I am told. On the highest authority.'

‘The last time he was here you could hear a pin drop the moment he opened his mouth. He hates it, absolutely hates it, terribly unassuming, wants things to carry on as per normal. Expects no credit. Wants everybody to have a good time What was it he said last time, d'you remember, Somerville? Ha-ha. It made us laugh. Remember? What
was
it?'

‘
What d'you take me for? Some bloody oracle
?'

‘That's it, Denham. Ha-ha. How we roared. We weren't here then, actually, were we? Completely different place. The Savoy, I think. How we roared. It
was
the Savoy, wasn't it?'

‘The good old Savoy. Building like a 1930s radio set, you almost expect Lord Reith to toddle along in his dinner jacket and give you a lecture.
Some bloody oracle.
That was damned funny. Can't quite say why but it's damned funny. For some reason. What's this place called? I mean
this
place. Sorry—my memory's completely gone. Total blackout. Memory's gone AWOL. Place has a name, hasn't it? All decent places have names.'

‘Claridge's.'

‘Claridge's, to be sure. Thank you, Payne. Good to have a young man around. Young Payne knows all the answers. You are such a clever fellow, Payne. The right man to have in a crisis.'

‘Not at all.' Major Payne stole a look at his watch. He did not feel particularly flattered to be referred to as ‘young Payne', given the average age of everybody was about eighty-five. The amount of drinking that went on around him was quite astonishing, if not alarming.

‘Jesty's also a young man, but he's always busy, aren't you, Jesty? Always on the run. Oh, he's gone,' Colonel Speke glanced round in a puzzled manner. ‘Where's Jesty gone?'

‘Gone AWOL, ha-ha.'

‘What's become of Jesty, since he gave us all the slip,' murmured Payne.

‘Jesty always disappears without warning, have you noticed? Quite a trick he has. Quite a habit.' Savil cleared his throat. ‘The usual, would you say?'

‘Most likely. That's the kind of thing he likes to do. Styles himself “Beau”, apparently.'

‘Beau Jesty, eh?'

‘
Chacun à son gout
. I am inordinately fond of clay pigeon shooting myself. Well, Claridge's is as good a place as any other for that sort of thing.'

‘One of these days Jesty'll come a cropper, mark my word,' said Livingston-Gore.

‘Interesting place, Claridge's. The King of Yugoslavia was born on the premises. Back in 1940-something. After Tito did his thing. The Communist takeover. Damned good wine, this. Why d'you keep looking at your watch, Payne? Haven't got a train to catch, have you? Don't tell us your lady wife keeps you on a short leash. Writes murders, doesn't she? Dangerous sort of woman to have round the house.'

‘I was here, you know, when the King of Yugoslavia was born. I was chief of security. Had the whole floor cordoned off and declared Yugoslav territory. One of those emergency measures. Real crisis. Checked every bloody waiter—in case one or more of the champagne buckets contained a bomb. Every damned bell-boy too. Ha-ha.'

‘Why couldn't HRH be with us today?'

‘Bad back, poor fellow—pain more than a human being could bear, I was told—on the highest authority—practically doubled up.'

‘Poor fellow. Worried about Harry, that's what's got him down. First they drag the boy back from the Khyber—then they ban him from Knightsbridge!'

‘Don't be dramatic, Ormsby. They banned him from some club or other, that's all. Couldn't matter less. Bijou or Beaujolais, some such name. It's a
night
club, or so I understand. In Knightsbridge, that's correct. Good address.'

‘Boujis, actually.'

‘Is that so? The kind of thing you know, Payne!'

‘I glance at the rags sometimes,' Payne said apologetically.

‘My niece met Harry once. In Knightsbridge, that's correct. Charming young fellow, she tells me. A little on the boisterous side, pinched her apparently. Full of beans, as we used to say. Enjoys a drink better than anything else, perhaps, but oodles of charm.'

‘Oodles of charm. Ahem. That thing they suggested about Hewitt …?'

‘Tittle-tattle, Livingston-Gore. Rank nonsense. Complete rot. Nothing in it whatsoever. What d'you say, Knatchbull?'

‘Fearful piffle. Hewitt deserves to be shot.'

‘Charming young rascal, eh? Eye for the girls, like HRH. I mean Harry.'

‘That's why HRH has taken it so badly. Damned fond of the boy.'

‘Damned fond.'

‘Nothing namby-pamby about Harry.'

‘Nothing namby-pamby about Harry.'

‘That's what we want to hear.' Major-General Hailsham nodded. ‘Let's drink to it, shall we? I'd like to propose a very special kind of toast.' He picked up his glass.

‘Gentlemen—Prince Harry.'

‘Prince Harry. Hurrah.'

‘Hurrah!'

‘Cry God for Harry, England and St George.'

‘Jolly well put, Payne. Has a familiar ring to it … Your own?'

The regimental reunion luncheon was exactly what Major Payne had expected it to be—glorious grub, the best of wines, incredibly inconsequential talk—everybody sounded as though they had sat at the feet of Ionesco or Beckett. Virtually interchangeable, if one shut one's eyes and just listened. It didn't matter who said what. Age and the demon drink had something to do with it. Payne didn't exactly
revel
in the company of his brother officers, though regimental dinners were something he was apt to attend, out of habit rather than loyalty or any particular affection. His accounts of past regimental dinners had made Antonia laugh, so now he tried to keep mental notes of what was being said. Was the superannuated army officer an intrinsically British phenomenon? He rather thought it was. They didn't have
quite
the same thing in France or in Germany. Why did they have to shout so? Enough to burst one's eardrums. Well, some of them were quite deaf …

Major Payne cleared his throat. ‘Would you allow me an observation? At our last reunion most of the fellows had moustaches. Now there are only two chaps with moustaches. Jesty and the Brigadier.'

‘By Jove, you are right. You are always right, I can't help noticing.' Colonel Speke squinted around. ‘
Yes
. How perfectly extraordinary. Damned curious, in fact. No moustaches!'

‘The mystery of the … diminishing moustaches, eh, Payne?' Brigadier Fielding cocked a knowing eyebrow. ‘Perhaps you should investigate what's behind it? That's what you like doing best, someone said. Investigating. Finding out about things. You and your lady wife. That's what a little bird told me.'

‘Not true. Nothing but silly rumours. People like to make up all kinds of stories.'

‘I say, Payne, would you like one of my cigars? You strike me as the kind of fellow who would appreciate an authentic Montecristo.'

‘Thank you, Fielding, I think I would. If you'll excuse me …' Major Payne rose.

‘No moustaches,' Denham said thoughtfully. ‘Payne's absolutely right. Payne's hit the nail on the head, as usual. That's what I've been thinking.
Standards are slipping
. Where are you off to, Payne? No problems with the waterworks, I trust? A young man like you—'

‘No, nothing of the sort. Got to clear my head,' Major Payne explained.