The Damnation Game (13 page)

He undressed completely and washed himself at the sink, his testicles small as walnuts, tight to his body, his belly flab—the fat of his breasts and upper arms—quivering as the cold convulsed him. Once satisfied with his cleanliness, he sat on the mattress edge and cut his toenails. Then he dressed in freshly laundered clothes: the blue shirt, the gray trousers. He wore no shoes or socks. Of the physique that shamed him, his feet were his only pride.

It was almost dark by the time he finished, and the night was black and rainy. Time to go, he thought.

He positioned the chair carefully, stepped up onto it, and reached for the rope. The noose was if anything, an inch or two too high, and he had to go on tiptoe to fit it snugly around his neck, but he fitted it securely with a little maneuvering. Once he had the knot pulled tight against his skin he said his prayers and kicked the chair over.

Panic began immediately, and his hands, which he’d always trusted, betrayed him at this vital juncture, springing up from his sides and tearing at the rope as it tightened. The initial drop had not broken his neck, but his spine felt like a vast centipede sewn into his back, writhing now every way it could, causing his legs to spasm. The pain was the least of it: the real anguish came from being out of control, smelling his bowels giving out into his clean trousers without his say-so, his penis stiffening without a lustful thought in his popping head, his heels digging the air looking for purchase, fingers still scrabbling at the rope. All suddenly not his own, all too hot for their own preservation to hold still and die.

But their efforts were in vain. He’d planned this too carefully for it to go awry. The rope was tightening still, the cavortings of the centipede weakening. Life, this unwelcome visitor, would leave very soon.

There was a lot of noise in his head, almost as though he was underground, and hearing all the sounds of the earth. Rushing noises, the roar of great hidden weirs, the bubbling of molten stone. Breer, the great Razor-Eater, knew the earth very well. He’d buried dead beauties in it all too often, and filled his mouth with soil as penitence for the intrusion, chewing on it as he covered over their pastel bodies. Now the earth noises had blotted out everything—his gasps, the music from the radio, and the traffic outside the window. Sight was going too; lace darkness crept over the room, its patterns pulsing. He knew he was turning—there was the bed, now the wardrobe, now the sink—but the forms he fitfully saw were decaying.

His body had given up the good fight. His tongue flapped perhaps, or maybe he imagined the motion, just as surely as he imagined the sound of somebody calling his name.

Quite abruptly, sight went out completely, and death was on him. No flood of regrets attended the ending, no lightning regurgitation of a life history encrusted with guilt. Just a dark, and a deeper dark, and now a dark so deep night was luminous by comparison with it. And it was over, easily.

No; not over.

Not quite over. A cluster of unwelcome sensations swarmed over him, intruding on the privacy of his death. A breeze warmed his face, assaulting his nerve endings. An ungracious breath choked him, pressing into his flaccid lungs without the least invitation.

He fought the resurrection, but his Savior was insistent. The room began to reassemble itself around him. First light, then form. Now color, albeit drained and grimy. The noises—fiery rivers and liquid stone alike—were gone. He was hearing himself cough, and smelling his own vomit. Despair mocked him. Could he not even kill himself successfully?

Somebody said his name. He shook his head, but the voice came again, and this time his upturned eyes found a face.

And
oh
it was not over: far from it. He had not been delivered into Heaven or Hell. Neither would dare boast the face he was now staring up into.

“I thought I’d lost you, Anthony,” said the Last European.

Chapter 19

H
e had righted the chair Breer had used to stand on for his suicide attempt, and was sitting on it, looking as unsullied as ever. Breer tried to say something, but his tongue felt too fat for his mouth, and when he felt it his fingers came back bloody.

“You bit your tongue in your enthusiasm,” said the European. “You won’t be able to eat or speak too well for a while. But it’ll heal, Anthony. Everything heals given time.”

Breer had no energy to get up off the floor; all he could do was lie there, the noose still tight around his neck, staring up at the severed rope that still depended from the light fixture. The European had obviously just cut him down and let him fall. His body had begun to shake; his teeth were chattering like a mad monkey’s.

“You’re in shock,” said the European. “You lie there … I’ll make some tea, shall I? Sweet tea is just the thing.”

It took some effort, but Breer managed to haul himself off the floor and onto the bed. His trousers were soiled, front and back: he felt disgusting. But the European didn’t mind. He forgave all, Breer knew that.

No other man Breer had ever met was quite so capable of forgiveness; it humbled him to be in the company and the care of such easy humanity. Here was a man who knew the secret heart of his corruption, and never once spoke a word of censure.

Propped up on the bed, feeling the signs of life reappearing in his wracked body, Breer watched the European making the tea. They were very different people. Breer had always felt awed by this man. Yet hadn’t the European told him once: “I am the last of my tribe, Anthony, just as you are the last of yours. We are in so many ways the same”? Breer hadn’t understood the significance of the remark when he’d first heard it, but he’d come to understand in time. “I am the last true European; you are the last of the Razor-Eaters. We should try to help each other.” And the European had gone on to do just that, keeping Breer from capture on two or three occasions, celebrating his trespasses, teaching him that to be a Razor-Eater was a worthy estate. In return for this education he’d asked scarcely anything: a few minor services, no more. But Breer wasn’t so trusting that he didn’t suspect a time would come when the Last European— please call me Mr. Mamoulian, he used to say, but Breer had never really got his tongue around that comical name—when this strange companion would ask for help in his turn. It wouldn’t be an odd job or two he’d ask either; it would be something terrible. Breer knew that, and feared it.

In dying he had hoped to escape the debt ever being called in. The longer he’d been away from Mr. Mamoulian—and it was six years since they’d last met—the more the memory of the man had come to frighten Breer. The European’s image had not faded with time: quite the contrary. His eyes, his hands, the caress of his voice had stayed crystal-clear when yesterday’s events had become a blur. It was as if Mamoulian had never quite gone, as though he’d left a sliver of himself in Breer’s head to polish up his picture when time dirtied it; to keep a watch on his servant’s every deed.

No surprise then, that the man had come in when he had, interrupting the death scene before it could be played out. No surprise either that he was talking to Breer now as though they’d never been parted, as though he was the loving husband to Breer’s devoted wife, and the years had never intervened. Breer watched Mamoulian move from sink to table as he prepared the tea, locating the pot, setting out the cups, performing each domestic act with hypnotic economy. The debt would have to be paid, he knew that now. There would be no darkness until it was paid. At the thought, Breer began to sob quietly.

“Don’t cry,” said Mamoulian, not turning from the sink.

“I wanted to die,” Breer murmured. The words came out as though through a mouthful of pebbles.

“You can’t perish yet, Anthony. You owe me a little time. Surely you must see that?”

“I wanted to die,” was all Breer could repeat in response. He was trying not to hate the European, because the man would know. He’d feel it for certain, and maybe lose his temper. But it was so difficult: resentment bubbled up through the sobbing.

“Has life been treating you badly?” the European asked.

Breer sniffed. He didn’t want a father confessor, he wanted the dark. Couldn’t Mamoulian understand that he was past explanations, past healing? He was shit on the shoe of a mongol, the most worthless, irredeemable thing in creation. The image of himself as a Razor-Eater, as the last representative of a once-terrible tribe, had kept his self-esteem intact for a few perilous years, but the fantasy had long since lost its power to sanctify his vileness. There was no possibility of working the same trick twice. And it was a trick, just a trick, Breer knew that, and hated Mamoulian all the more for his manipulations. I want to be dead, was all he could think.

Did he say the words out loud? He hadn’t heard himself speak, but Mamoulian answered him as though he had.

“Of course you do. I understand, I really do. You think it’s all an illusion: tribes, and dreams of salvation. But take it from me, it isn’t. There’s purpose in the world yet. For both of us.”

Breer drew the back of his hand across his swollen eyes, and tried to control his sobs. His teeth no longer chattered; that was something.

“Have the years been so cruel?” the European inquired.

“Yes,” Breer said sullenly.

The other nodded, looking across at the Razor-Eater with compassion in his eyes; or at least an adequate impersonation of same.

“At least they didn’t lock you away,” he said. “You’ve been careful.”

“You taught me how,” Breer conceded.

“I showed you only what you already knew, but were too confused by other people to see. If you’ve forgotten, I can show you again.”

Breer looked down at the cup of sweet, milkless tea the European had set on the bedside table.

“—or do you no longer trust me?”

“Things have changed,” Breer mumbled with his thick mouth.

Now it was Mamoulian’s turn to sigh. He sat on the chair again, and sipped at his own tea before replying.

“Yes, I’m afraid you’re right. There’s less and less place for us here. But does that mean we should throw up our hands and die?”

Looking at the sober, aristocratic face, at the haunted hollows of his eyes, Breer began to remember why he’d trusted this man. The fear he’d felt was dwindling, the anger too. There was a calm in the air, and it was seeping into Breer’s system.

“Drink your tea, Anthony.”

“Thank you.”

“Then I think you should change your trousers.”

Breer blushed; he couldn’t help himself.

“Your body responded quite naturally, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Semen and shit make the world go round.”

The European laughed, softly, into his teacup, and Breer, not feeling the joke to be at his expense, joined in.

“I never forgot you,” Mamoulian said. “I told you I’d come back for you and I meant what I said.”

Breer nursed his cup in hands that still trembled, and met Mamoulian’s gaze. The look was as unfathomable as he’d remembered, but he felt warm toward the man. As the European said, he hadn’t forgotten, he hadn’t gone away never to return. Maybe he had his own reasons for being here now maybe he’d come to squeeze payment out of a long-standing debtor, but that was better, wasn’t it, than being forgotten entirely?

“Why come back now?” he asked, putting down his cup.

“I have business,” Mamoulian replied.

“And you need my help?”

“That’s right.”

Breer nodded. The tears had stopped entirely. The tea had done him good: he felt strong enough to ask an insolent question or two.

“What about me?” came the reply.

The European frowned at the inquiry. The lamp beside the bed flickered, as though the bulb was at crisis point, and about to go out.

“What about you?” he asked.

Breer was aware that he was on tricky ground, but he was determined not to be weak. If Mamoulian wanted help, then he should be prepared to deliver something in exchange.

“What’s in it for me?” he asked.

“You can be with me again,” the European said.

Breer grunted. The offer was less than tempting.

“Is that not enough?” Mamoulian wanted to know. The lamplight was more fitful by the moment, and Breer had suddenly lost his taste for impertinence.

“Answer me, Anthony,” the European insisted. “If you’ve got an objection, voice it.”

The flickering was worsening, and Breer knew he’d made an error, pressing Mamoulian for a covenant. Why hadn’t he remembered that the European loathed bargains and bargainers alike? Instinctively he fingered the noose groove around his neck. It was deep, and permanent.

“I’m sorry …” he said, rather lamely.

Just before the lamp bulb gave out completely, he saw Mamoulian shake his head. A tiny shake, like a tick. Then the room was drowned in darkness.

“Are you with me, Anthony?” the Last European murmured.

The voice, normally so even, was twisted out of true.

“Yes …” Breer replied. His lazy eyes weren’t becoming accustomed to the dark with their usual speed. He squinted, trying to sort out the European’s form in the surrounding gloom. He needn’t have troubled himself. Scant seconds later something across the room from him seemed to ignite, and suddenly, awesomely, the European was providing his own illumination.

Now, with this lurid lantern show to set his sanity reeling, tea and apologies were forgotten: The dark, life itself, were forgotten; and there was only time, in a room turned inside out with terrors and petals, to stare and stare and maybe, if one had a sense of the ridiculous, to say a little prayer.

Chapter 20

A
lone in Breer’s sordid one-room flat the Last European sat himself down and played solitaire with his favorite pack of cards. The Razor-Eater had dressed himself up and gone out to taste the night. If he concentrated, Mamoulian could find the parasite with his mind, and taste vicariously whatever experiences the other man was enjoying. But he had no appetite for such games. Besides, he knew all too well what the Razor-Eater would be doing, and it frankly revolted him. All pursuits of the flesh, whether conventional or perverse, appalled him, and as he grew older the disgust deepened. On some days he could barely stand to look at the human animal without the roving gloss of its eye or the pinkness of its tongue awaking nausea in him. But Breer would be useful in the struggle to come; and his bizarre desires gave him an insight, albeit crude, into Mamoulian’s tragedy, an insight that made him a more compliant attendant than the usual companions the European had tolerated in his long, long life.