The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex (16 page)

How would you respond to the following question: “Who spends
more time and energy maintaining your relationship?” This is one item on the
Relative Effort Scale, which measures who is more committed to the
relationship. The more committed partner is generally less desirable. Studies
show that the less desirable partner becomes more jealous.

In one study of 220 married couples, Gary Hansen of the
University of Southern Mississippi measured perceived marital alternatives.
Participants were asked to imagine that their spouse would leave them over the
course of the next year. Then they were asked to estimate the likelihood that
they would be able to replace their partner with someone who was as desirable.
The response of
impossible
(indicating the fewest marital
alternatives) was scored a 1, whereas the response of
certain
(indicating
the greatest marital alternatives) was scored a 4.

Hansen then measured jealousy through responses to a series of
hypothetical scenarios of potential partner defection. Here are two scenarios
used, the first purely sexual and the second both sexual and emotional:

Scenario 1: “Your mate returns from a business trip to a
different city and informs you that he/she met a member of the opposite sex
that he/she found very physically attractive. They ended up engaging in sexual
relations. Your mate informs you that their relationship was purely physical
(not emotional) and that they will never be seeing each other again.”

Scenario 2: “Your mate has developed an ongoing emotional and
sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Your mate receives a
high degree of satisfaction from this relationship and plans to continue it.
Both you and your mate have been happy and pleased with your own relationship.
Your mate views his/her outside relationship as a supplement to, not a
substitute for, the relationship between the two of you.”

Participants recorded how they would feel on a scale ranging
from
extremely pleased
to
extremely disturbed or bothered
.
Hansen then analyzed what predicted these jealous reactions, scrutinizing
personality variables such as self-esteem, trust, marital adjustment, and
perceived options for replacement mates. Those who perceived fewer marital
alternatives and more difficulty in replacing their partner with someone as
desirable as their current partner were substantially more disturbed by
imagining each of the infidelity scenarios. Partners lower in desirability, in
short, are more easily threatened and more jealous.

Adolescence is often overlooked as a critical time in human
psychological development. It’s the time when hormones rage, competition for
mates commences, and the first halting steps toward romantic relationships
begin. So it’s not surprising that events in adolescence loom
disproportionately large in people’s memories. Avril Thorne of the University
of California at Santa Cruz asked a sample of adults to describe the most vivid
memory from their past and to record how old they were when the events
occurred. The overwhelming majority of vivid memories occurred between ages 10
and 20. People never seem to forget their high school athletic success when the
crowd roared, their teenage back-seat fumblings, or their first love.
Adolescence is the time when we crystallize images of ourselves and form
impressions of the opposite sex.

Several reports suggest that shocking discoveries of a parental
infidelity during adolescence can heighten jealousy in adulthood. In the most
detailed study, psychiatrists John Docherty and Jean Ellis described three
couples who came to therapy complaining about the husband’s “pathological
jealousy.” In each of these cases, the husband had accidentally witnessed
during adolescence his mother having sex with a man other than her husband.

In the first case, the husband was 47 and the wife 41 when they
came for therapy. The couple had been married for more than two decades and had
three beautiful children. Although the wife had an active and rewarding social
life outside the home, she found that life with her husband had turned into a
nightmare. Her husband’s jealousy started shortly after they were married and
intensified during her first pregnancy. For this and each of the two subsequent
pregnancies, the husband became convinced that the conceived child was not his
own. He started monitoring his wife’s phone calls, rifled through her purse,
and berated her with accusations until she knelt at his feet and pleaded with
him to believe her innocence. Afterward he would apologize and beg her not to
be angry with him. But just as suddenly, the jealousy would return with a
vengeance at some perceived flirtation, something as seemingly trivial as a
friendly smile to a neighbor. The back story to this case is that when the man
was 12, he had returned home from school unexpectedly and found his mother in
bed with a strange man. Although he never revealed to his father what he had
witnessed, he raged inside about his mother’s betrayal, especially when his
parents fought violently about the mother’s suspected infidelities. By the time
he reached adulthood, he had concluded that women could not be trusted—a
sentiment that ripped apart his marriage.

The second case involved a 36-year-old man and a 31-year-old
woman, married for two years when they arrived for therapy. Although there was
no hint of jealousy during their courtship, the demons emerged full-blown after
the marriage. The wife learned to avoid interacting with other men in order to
prevent her husband’s rages. He demanded that she remain glued to his side
during parties. He forbade her to socialize with men, insisted on knowing her
whereabouts at all times, and interrogated her daily. Any unexpected change in
her routine triggered a jealous rage and a heavy bout of drinking. This
husband’s secret was that in his teen years, his mother frequented a local
tavern, and he once came home unexpectedly and found her naked in bed with one
of the men from the tavern. He did not disclose this information to his father,
but the image had haunted him since.

As in many other cases reported in this chapter, not all people
labeled as “pathologically jealous” are truly delusional. Consider the case of
a man who reported that his mother had had many affairs, one of which he
discovered firsthand. When he returned home from running a shopping errand for
his mother, he found her having sex with his father’s best friend. He hadn’t
revealed this traumatic event to anyone until he mentioned it to his therapist.
The couple had come to therapy, as the other two couples had, to deal with the
husband’s pathological jealousy. His jealousy began when his wife started working
out, joined a weight-reduction program, began to dress more glamorously, and
stared looking more attractive. Strangely, he let her go on a vacation to
Florida with his best friend. When they returned, his friend informed him that
they had had sex. Although the husband said nothing to his “best friend,” he
began to berate his wife, disconnected her telephone, took away her car, and
accused her of having had many affairs. His jealousy destroyed their marriage.

Although the sample of this study is small and conclusions must
be tentative, it is reasonable to propose that the early adolescent trauma of
witnessing a parent’s infidelity evoked a hyperactivation of sexual jealousy.
Each man had developed a heightened sensitivity to suspecting infidelity, just as
people with early traumas involving snakes or open places develop specific
phobias.

Sometimes these shocking discoveries happen in adulthood. In one
case, a man showed absolutely no indications of jealousy in his first marriage.
His first wife, however, divorced him for another man, and her departure came
as a total shock to him. He became morose and severely depressed for six
months. Eventually he returned to normal and six years later remarried. His
second wife happened to be the younger sister of his ex-wife. During this
second marriage he became increasingly suspicious. His second marriage ended in
tragedy. While at a party, his wife began dancing with another man. When he
asked her to stop, she refused, and he stabbed her to death.

Adult sensitivities develop in women as well. One 49-year-old
woman came to a psychiatrist complaining of her husband’s alleged infidelities.
She had left him two years earlier because he was unfaithful, but returned home
“for the sake of my boy.” Soon after her return, she became crazed with
thoughts that her husband was having sex with a number of other women. She
searched the fireplace for burned letters, followed her husband surreptitiously
when he went out, and spied on him from a distance. She inspected his
underpants for evidence, but failed to find any. The husband admitted to the
therapist that he indeed had had an affair that originally led to his wife’s
departure, but he vehemently insisted on his fidelity ever since. Although the
wife’s jealousy was destroying their reunion, she admitted that she had not yet
found a single scrap of evidence that her suspicions were valid.

If these cases are any indication, the shocking discovery of
infidelity can sensitize a person to subtle signs of infidelity. It is not too
great a leap to suggest that prior experience with infidelity—either by a
parent or spouse—leads to a hyperactivation of this ancient coping mechanism.

One final complexity must be added to conclude the discussion of
the seemingly pathological aspects of jealousy—a complexity that cannot be
understood without viewing jealousy as a fundamentally adaptive mechanism. Some
couples develop symbiotic pathologies that are precariously poised in a
delicate balance. The intensity of a man’s jealousy, among other things,
conveys information to the woman about the strength of his commitment and the
depth of his love (topics we explore in the final chapters). At the same time,
the jealous man attempts to sequester his mate and cut off her opportunities to
meet other men. An intensely guarded woman may feel loved, but nonetheless
claustrophobically hemmed in by her husband’s possessiveness. A woman whose
husband fails to display any jealousy may feel free to do as she pleases, but
may simultaneously feel unloved. This delicate balance sometimes leads to what
experts call symbiotic pathology.

Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder resulting in a fear of places
where escape might be difficult or help not available. It is more prevalent in
women than in men. A common manifestation is a fear of open spaces or public
places. Agoraphobics often avoid being outside the home alone, panic when in a
crowd or standing in line, shun bridges and open fields, and fear traveling on
buses or trains. In extreme forms, agoraphobia becomes so debilitating that the
afflicted person refuses to leave home at all.

One counterintuitive idea is that women’s agoraphobia and men’s
sexual jealousy sometimes coexist in a delicate balance. When a woman fears
going out, she stays at home, causing the husband’s jealousy to subside. If her
agoraphobia gets cured and she starts going out alone, her husband’s jealousy
may mushroom, responding to the realistic threat that she will have increased
opportunities to meet other men. One study of 36 agoraphobic women explored
this symbiosis. Seven of these women had husbands who displayed “abnormal
jealousy.” In each case, as the women improved with treatment, getting relief
from agoraphobic symptoms, the husband’s jealousy increased. Predictably, when
a woman showed a relapse, returning to her former agoraphobic state, the
husband’s jealousy subsided.

Jane, a 38-year-old woman, first experienced agoraphobia shortly
after meeting her husband. Her panic and fear of going out of the house became
so debilitating that she was forced to quit her job. After treatment for
agoraphobia, she became almost totally cured and felt the freedom of venturing
outside of her home. Four months after her relief from symptoms, Jane came to
the therapist distraught and declared that her husband had attempted to kill
himself. His jealousy had become a monster. He interrogated her like a prisoner
of war and accused her of infidelity whenever she went out alone. Arguments and
accusations continued until she became agoraphobic again. She reverted from her
“cured” state—being able to travel alone for the first time in years—to her
early self-sequestration. Only after her agoraphobia returned and she again
became terrified of leaving her house did the husband’s accusations subside.
The husband denied being abnormally jealous. Instead, he attributed his
“distress” to the fact that his wife no longer needed him after her recovery.
She was no longer dependent on him, making him feel useless, inferior, and
inadequate. When the therapist recontacted the couple a year later for
follow-up, the marriage remained unchanged and Jane continued to suffer from
agoraphobia. Their symbiotic pathology remained a cycle they could not break.

Another case of symbiotic pathology involved a woman who
interpreted her husband’s jealousy as a sign of his love, manliness, and sexual
attraction to her. The trouble started when he entered therapy to reduce his
feelings of jealousy. He told the therapist that when he became jealous, he
became hypersexual with his wife to ensure that she remained sexually
satisfied. Only by keeping her sexually sated, he felt, could he prevent her
from seeking gratification elsewhere. The wife denied any infidelity, despite
her husband’s suspicions. The therapist administered medication, which lessened
the man’s jealousy. As his jealousy receded, however, his wife developed florid
agitation, loose associations, cognitive incoherence, and started to complain
that her husband was “not a proper man” and was “just like a little boy.” As he
got better, she got worse declaring that her husband did not find her sexually
interesting any more.