The Darkness of Perfection (17 page)

Whether you like it or not, I’m still your big brother and I’m always going to look out for you. I just wish things were different.”

He rubbed his face with his hands and when he dropped them at his sides again I noticed a weariness in his own blue eyes, like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders and his burden was becoming too heavy to bear. It made me worry.

“Is everything all right? Is Grace okay? Are you?” I fired questions at him trying to discern the cause of his stress. “Is there something I should know about?”

He sighed and squared his shoulders, tugging at the cuff of his jacket, stalling his answer which only made my concern increase before he spoke. “No. Everything is fine.” His smile was weak and almost apologetic. “I didn’t really want to tell you like this after barging in here and accusing you the way I did. I guess you can be the first to congratulate me. Grace is pregnant. We found out a few weeks ago,

but didn’t want to say anything until her appointment today showed everything with the baby looked good. You know we’ve had problems in the past.”

My anger was forgotten with his announcement and I grabbed him in a firm hug. I knew how much he and Grace wanted children, but the stress of three miscarriages had been hard on them.

“Congratulations! I’m very happy for you. And the doctor is confident Grace is going to be all right this time?”

He stepped back and blew out a harsh breath. “He’s as sure as he can be, but he’s putting her on restrictive bed rest for now as a precaution. He doesn’t want any undue stress affecting her.” He leaned against my desk and rubbed the back of his neck, thinking. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve gone about things regarding Jayden. I don’t know, maybe it would have been better if Jayden hadn’t escaped before. Maybe if you hadn’t lost her when you did, you wouldn’t have grown up to be so callous about your actions. Maybe you would have been more approachable-” He let his words taper off and stood again. “Anyway, can’t buy much on ‘maybes’. Life deals a hand and it’s up to us to figure out the best way to play it. I won’t keep you any longer. Grace and I are coming to the house for dinner tonight to tell Mom and Father. I’d love it if you were there and I know Grace would like to meet Jayden.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Subtlety isn’t your strong suit, but not to worry. I’m sure we’ll both be there. I have a feeling Jayden is ready to concede the little battle she’s been staging. You can tell Mother to set two places for us at the table.”

Sitting on the window seat with my knees drawn tightly to my chest, I watched the sky darken with streaks of orange and pink like paint splatters on a navy canvas, signaling the end to yet another day in my prison. My forehead rested heavily against the cool windowpane, my breath fogging up the glass each time I exhaled.

A cold front had come through yesterday, dropping the temperature. Nicholas had told me not to get used to it, and that it would be hot again in another day or so. He said it was normal for the temperature to change thirty degrees or more in a day this time of year and that the saying went something like this: if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute and it’ll change. I wished that phrase had given me a clue to where I was, but it didn’t.

As the sun dipped lower in the sky, I opened my mouth wide, exhaling again and fogging the glass, then slowly drew a line in the condensation. The mark disappeared as the fog dissipated, leaving no evidence behind.

Thirty-one days. Tomorrow would start a new month in my captivity. I tried to keep up with the hours at first, but I couldn’t decide when to start the clock. Was it when I passed out in the club parking lot or when I woke up here? Or should I go back in time to the cruise? Or even further back to when I first arrived at the house? I guess if I wanted to be completely accurate then I should go back to the night I was born.

I’d had a lot of time to think about my life, and it was hard to fathom how different my life would have been if my mother hadn’t rescued me. Nicholas was very clear regarding his expectations. He had wanted me completely isolated and ignorant of the world outside. If we hadn’t gotten away, he would have been my whole world. I wouldn’t have even known there was another way. The simple things in life I’d always taken for granted, like going to college, having hopes and dreams, watching television, having a cell phone, driving a car, or even just going to the mall with friends, would have been nonexistent, and the terrifying part was that I wouldn’t have even known it was wrong.

Nicholas was right. I would have been happy living in my ignorance.

I couldn’t prevent the sickening shudder when I thought about it. I remembered learning about slavery in my history class in high school and thinking it was inconceivable that something as heinous as slavery still existed in the world. I was too young when we escaped this life to understand the world we came from, and Mom and Dad sheltered me from that knowledge. My parents protected me so I never knew I was born a modern-day slave. We had been lucky to escape and go on to live a normal life. We found love and security with a good man who adored us and welcomed us into his life without censure. I’ll always be grateful for the years of freedom he gave me. I didn’t care what Nicholas said, Terry McAllister was my dad as far as I was concerned. He deserved the title so much more than the sperm donor, as I called him now, who’d sold me the day I was born.

Nicholas may have stolen my freedom, but he couldn’t take away my memories. I knew it frustrated him that he couldn’t erase the life I’d had without him. I’d never be the docile, declawed kitten or doormat he envisioned. Those years had shaped me into the person I was today. I may have been terrified of what the future held for me now, and I may not have had a lot of courage, but I owed it to my mom to survive and remember everything she’d taught me.

I turned to glare at my nemesis on the floor in the corner of the room, and felt my courage wane yet again. He had brought it out of the closet so the threat would always be present. I was weak, and growing weaker. Nicholas was relentless in breaking me more and more each and every day, and even I had to acknowledge he was winning.

Sighing, I closed my eyes and focused on seeing the faces of my family. They were the only real hope I had of rescue, but after so much time, I was losing that hope. I didn’t understand why the police never came. If I tried to escape, I risked Nicholas hurting my family. Nicholas’s insidious whispered words were taking their toll and he was slowly planting doubt in my mind that they would ever come.

“God, please save me,” I prayed, figuring that God surely wouldn’t forget me.

A clock chimed the hour from somewhere within the house, signaling the passage of time. Nicholas would be back soon. I didn’t know what he did or where he went all day. I’d never been allowed out of this room, and his was the only face I’d seen other than that first night with Katherine, if you didn’t count the brief glimpses of the guard at the door when Nicholas came and went or the one on the deck outside. Every day I’d been locked in this room with nothing to do: no book, no television, not even a radio to break the silence that engulfed me, so that by the time he would return, I craved his attention.

It took me four days to figure out his game. Now I ignored him until I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. He never spoke first, always waiting me out until I broke. Only then would he talk to me. Even then, the only topics of discussion allowed were about the two of us, and our past or future. There was no world outside what he was creating for me, and I was terrified that one day I’d even believe it myself.

He was completely serious about making every decision for me. I hadn’t even held a utensil in all the time I’d been here, since I hadn’t earned the privilege of feeding myself yet, and I strove to follow the rules hoping that one day I’d be allowed to hold a freaking fork again. He chose the clothes I wore and I slept in his bed with my ankle chained instead of my wrist. He’d kept his promise and hadn’t touched me other than holding me in bed while I wallowed in my misery and missed my family. It was ironic that the reason behind my misery was the one providing the comfort.

While we would lie in the dark, he’d paint a picture of our perfect life together, his insidious words seeming so real that I’d even dreamed about it. I think what terrified me the most, was that I could see myself living the life he wanted.

Every day the same battle waged in my head; one minute I’d be strong, and weak the next. I wanted to be strong like my mom, but I didn’t think I was.

Just then the door opened and I heard his footsteps crossing the room and coming to a stop behind me.

I felt his eyes on me, silently waiting for me to crack. It was a tiny battle he allowed me to wage, but as the days crawled by at a snail’s pace with nothing to do and no one to talk to, I was cracking faster.

My breath fogged the window again as I huffed in defeat and tilted my head to see him in my periphery.

“Hello, Nicholas.”

He acknowledged my defeat with a grin, glancing at his watch.

“Less than a minute. You must really be bored today,” he chuckled. “Jayden, I’ve allowed your little rebellion so far only because I knew you would realize the futility of it soon enough. From now on, though, you will greet me immediately when I come into the room. Is that understood?”

I closed my eyes, wishing once again that I could end this nightmare. How much longer could I hold out before I gave in completely?

“I’m waiting for your answer,” he reminded me.

I opened my eyes to the same scene of fields, trees, and that damn dog that was just as much my jailer as he was.

“I understand,” I mumbled, still not turning around.

He grasped my chin and held me firmly as he forced me to turn and rise from the window to look into his face, a silent battle taking place as we gazed at each other. The scent of his cologne and the outdoors tickled my senses, and I realized he was no longer wearing the black slacks and navy dress shirt he’d worn this morning, but was now in worn jeans, a black t-shirt, and denim jacket. I didn’t know where he’d changed clothes, because God knew he hadn’t come back here. The thought that he’d spent at least part of the day outside enjoying the sunshine while I’d remained trapped within these four walls, sitting here day in and day out, made me want to scream at the unfairness of it all.

“Jayden, you will look at me when you speak to me. Now try again,” he snapped.

“I said I understand perfectly,” I gritted. I was scared and frustrated, and losing my mind. He kept me off balance and I never knew what to expect. The rage finally got the better of me and I couldn’t have stopped the word vomit if I tried. “I’m supposed to look at you and bow down to you like royalty and kiss your ass and thank you for gracing me with your presence after leaving me trapped in this damn room all freaking day until I’m ready to rip my hair out.” I wasn’t sure how my outburst would be received, but the humor I saw dancing in his eyes was the last thing I expected.

“So, my kitten still has her claws after all. You’re kind of cute when you hiss and your fur stands on end, you know that?” he chuckled and eyed me speculatively while never releasing my chin. “So what should I do to sheath those little claws of yours? Hmm? Would my little kitten like to go outside?”

I bristled when he referred to me as an animal once again, but the thought of going outside stopped me from saying anything else stupid. At this point, I’d do just about anything to get out of this room. I searched his eyes, hoping that it was an honest offer, and slowly nodded. “Really? You’ll let me out?”

I asked timidly. The very thought of breathing in fresh air was so thrilling I was practically jumping out of my skin, but I was afraid to get my hopes up. Then I reminded myself that he’d never lied to me before.

That thought hit me like a bucket of ice water. In a sick, twisted way, I trusted him. He had kept every single promise he’d made. He was my kidnapper, my jailer, my owner, and yet he’d earned my trust.

Is this how being brainwashed began?

A cold chill ran down my spine.

He’d had his hand on my hip, and now he slowly slid it around to my lower back, pulling me closer to him until we were almost touching. The grin on his face turned decidedly wicked. “Yes, but what will you give me in return for that privilege?”

My eyes widened and I swallowed hard against the fear that quickly rose in my throat, shaking my head in denial. I had always known this moment was coming, when he would demand sex, and now that it was here I was terrified. If I said no, would he hurt me more? “Please don’t do this,” I pleaded, my eyes welling with tears as my chin trembled in his hand.