The Day The Sun Fell From The Sky (5 page)

Transformation

Lyth’s eyes are not like anything that I’ve ever seen before. I can’t shoot her. Of course I can’t. But then why am I standing over her with a gun in my hands? I can’t find anything in them that I know. Hope and self-preservation are completely absent. She has reached a state of being terrorized for too long and she can’t remember what it was like before the terror took over.

“All
you have to do is pull the trigger.” Vyr speaks into my ear.

I don’t even say sorry to her. I just close my eyes because I do not want to see what I have become. Then I can feel my hands shaking and I sink to my knees. I’m not aware that I’m crying until I feel something wet s
liding down the side of my face. I don’t want to open my eyes because I don’t want to see what I’ve done.

“What you are feeling right now. Embrace it.”
Vyr tells me. “Because you will never have to feel it again.”

He’s right in that the experience of being forced to watch someone
get raped and then having to shoot that person will probably never be repeated but he’s wrong about the lengths that I will go to survive. If I am forced to shoot again, I probably will.

Someone takes the gun from my hands and
Vyr tells me to get up.

When I finally open my eyes, I can see that I didn’t just shoot her once.
I fired at least four bullets into her and there are multiple wounds on her chest. I’m not sure why I did that but I think I was terrified that I would leave her lingering. I wanted to make sure that she was dead because if she didn’t die straight away then she would be in unspeakable pain for as long as it took for her life to slip away.

“I was right.”
Vyr smiles at me. “It was easy, wasn’t it?”

“Yes it was.” I admit.

*_*

After I murder
Lyth, the guards do not let me rest. They put me straight to work, raping me in the room next door, where I was being held earlier.

“Bend over.”
Vyr commands.

I lean on my front
so that the top half of my body is lying on the interrogation table while my feet remain on the ground. The guards waste no time in taking turns to sodomise me.

Vyr
pulls my head up off the table and speaks into my ear. “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

I can’t say anything in reply without screaming so I stay quiet.

“Remember it.” He continues to whisper into my ear. “Remember what you are here for.”

*_*

The cell that they put me in is very small. There is barely enough room to lie down and absolutely no source of light whatsoever. I sit against the wall like I had done in the medical cell at the army base. The door closes and I am locked in completely.

I have not had a
chance to process what I did. I’ve never done that kind of thing to anyone before. I’ve never killed. I’ve watched people I know get killed – like Mira and Ath. I’ve watched people I don’t know get killed – like the Knax populace of Bass Village. But now, I am not just a witness anymore. I am a murderer myself.

I’m beginning to understand why they had handed me a gun without fearing that I would turn it on them. Even if I was crazy enough to try that, there were three other guns in the room. I had considered that. See if I couldn’t shoot one of the guards. Then of course reality hits me and I know that I can’t do it. Not because the guards were going to shoot me or torture me if I tried but because I just couldn’t.

I wasn’t a murderer. Until now. Yes I was forced to do it. But it doesn’t change the fact that I was the one who pulled the trigger. I was the one who took a life without even acknowledging that person. I had no interaction with Lyth at all and in all honesty, had no particular feelings toward her. At that point, if I had been asked to shoot a cow, I would not have felt any different toward the cow.

I can see myself changing and I don’t like what I’ve become. If I came across mum and Mish now, I wouldn’t even be able to look them in the eyes. Yes, I know that what I did was wrong but I can’t say that I feel any remorse about it. I feel horrible for firing a gun but I can’t say that I feel anything for the perso
n that got shot. This is what Kov had meant by apathy.

Assignment

I am taken to C
ell 209 to spend the night with its inmates. Hvin Prison is the largest prison in Hven for serious crimes. As far as I’m concerned, the guards were not that much better than the prisoners but that’s probably just because of the “program” that I’ve been put in. I’m sure that the guards treat their family back home very well.

“She’s all yours.” Says Ab, my supervising guard. He was the one who had hosed me on my first day.

“I haven’t fucked a girl since like forever.” Says one of the inmates. He is bald and heavily tattooed.

“Have fun.” Says the other inmate, who is cle
an shaven and wears contact lenses.

I just stand there
, not moving and not speaking.

“Relax man. I’m not going to fuck you yet.” Says the first inmate.

Great, he prefers to have a chat first.

“What’s your name?” He asks me.

“Myc.” I tell him.

“I’m
Gav.” He says. “Where are you from Myc?”

“
Kynn.” I tell him the name of my town.

“That’s good to hear. I’m from
Hvin.” He continues. “Shut up Zeb.”

The other inmate is laughing at his false civility.

“You know what he’s in here for?” Gav asks me, pointing to his cellmate.

“No.” I shake my head.

“Tell her.” Says Gav.

“I killed my boss.”
Zeb shrugs.

“That’s nice to know.” I reply, sarcastic.

“You wanna know what I’m in here for?” Gav asks me.

I really don’t but I am obviously not going to argue with him.

“What?” I glare at him.

“I fuck my girl and she goes to the police.” He laughs. “Bu
t we’re together man. She was acting like I was being horrible to her.”

If she did report him to the police, I don’t blame her.

“Why are you telling me this?” I ask him.

“Because he wants you to insult him.” Says
Zeb. “It’s easier for him to use you when he’s angry.”

“Of course.” I mutter.

“You haven’t asked us any of the important questions yet.” Zeb remarks.

“Like what?” I ask him.

“Like you just accepted that I killed someone but you didn’t ask how or why.” He says.

“I don’t want to know.” I tell him.

“You won’t have to hear it.” He smiles. “I’ll show you.”

He approaches me and I don’t
try to move away. There is nowhere to go to and I can’t fight them off.

“You take this.” He holds up a small white scarf. “Then you wrap it around the person’s neck.” He performs the action on me as he explains. “Then you twist it and you fold it until the knot doesn’t come out. He was fighting back, mind you. He didn’t just stand there like you are. Then you grasp both ends and you pull.”

As he pulls, he pushes into me with his weight and I can feel myself crashing into the wall behind me. I stay on my feet barely and my head feels like it’s about to explode again. I’ve only been choked once before. That was by Padd. I try to keep my eyes open as Zeb continues to apply pressure to my neck. In that moment, I learn two things as I look into his eyes. First, unlike Padd, Zeb did not enjoy doing this at all. He was choking me to “help” his friend get comfortable enough to use me. Second, despite telling the same story of how he had killed his boss to anyone that cared to ask, he did not kill him.

*_*

I am in the room where I shot Lyth. My hands have been strung up above my head and my feet are suspended off the ground. There is a camera in front of me so I know that I am being recorded. Someone is being forced to watch what is being done to me just like I was being forced to watch Lyth. The guards are taking it in turns to strike my torso with wooden bats and then asking me ridiculous questions like whether or not I was enjoying the experience.

I don’t say anything in reply to them because I know that it won’t make any difference. Yes, I am in enormous pain. But they already know that. I’ve started to disassociate my mind from my body. Knowing that I can’t stop the pain helps me to deal with it. I’m putting less energy into trying to
get the pain go away and more energy into trying to stay alive and trying to stay sane.

The door opens and I’m not surprised to see another person being brought into the room. Just like how I was being forced to shoot
Lyth, the guards are going to make him torture me. He’s not a Knax that has been forcibly detained. He’s a fresh inmate who has been convicted of whatever crime and the guards are going to break him on his first day.

He might be a hardened criminal or whatever but even he finds it difficult to stomach what they are trying to make him do.

“I’ve never tortured anyone before and I’m not about to start now.” He says.

“But you’ve killed someone before.” Says
Vyr.

“Under completely different circumstances.” The prisoner replies. “And I did not drag out his death.”

“All the same. He’s dead now.” Vyr laughs. “Do you think it matters to his family how he died when they know that they will never see him again?”

“It’s not the same. I killed in self
defence.” The man replies.

“So you say.” Says
Vyr. “Why is it that every time someone kills someone else, it’s never that they actually intended to take a life? It’s always done in self-defence.”

“Say what you like.” Says the inmate. “There’s no way that I’m going to hit her.”

“You want to hit her. And there’s nothing to stop you from doing that here.” Vyr smiles.

“Why would I want to hit her?” The inmate is flabbergast.

“Because you are human. If you did not want to lash out at someone, I’d question whether you were capable of any feelings at all.” Says Vyr.

“Excuse me?” The prisoner raises an eyebrow.

“It’s called transference. You deliver onto someone else the pain that you feel. It’s very cathartic. You should try it some time.” Vyr explains.

“Who says
that I’m in pain?” Asks the man.

“You’ve just been marked. Your closest friends and family are starting to wonder if they knew you at all.” Says
Vyr. “If and when you do get out, you will be a leper. People will be more cautious in their dealings with you. Decent employment will be next to impossible. And in the meantime, prison itself will change you. You will not be the same man when you are free again.”

“I think I’ve heard enough.” The man is visibly upset.

“If you think you’re going to spend your sentence in a hotel with bars, you are mistaken. There are people here who have done things that you would not imagine to be possible.” Says Vyr. “You will be sharing the same living space with them and you will have to befriend them. These people, whom you would not normally give a second look, you will have to come to rely on them. And you will have to learn to think like them.”

“Stop!” The man yells. “Please I don’t want to hear it.”

“Then prove that you have what it takes to make it in here. Because if you are unable to hit them, they will hit you. You have a long sentence ahead of you.”

The man swings the bat that he’s been given wordlessly and I scream because I know that he still cares. I scream because I want him to remember that this is who he is – not the cold prisoner that he’s going to become.

*_*

In the nights that I am being passed around from cell to cell, I come across many
Gavs – prisoners who have been mostly forgotten by the system and are now telling their stories to the only people that will listen: the girls who are being forced to accompany them. I haven’t come across many Zebs though – guys who not only are innocent of the crime that they have been incarcerated for but who want everyone to believe that they are psychopaths.

The guards would also use me when it suited them. From conversations with the inmates, I become aware that there
are other girls like me in this place. Of course there would be. But I haven’t seen any of them. We are kept and used well away from one another so that none of us knows how many of us there are at any given point in time.

In the time that I spend waiting between “assignments” in my cell, I come to understand what actually destroyed
Lyth. It wasn’t the constant abuse that pushed her over the edge. It was the silence. Specifically, it was the lack of a median between the two. There was only intense violence and then absolute silence. Though the violence is painful, the real killer is the silence.

Experimentation

“What’s with him?” I ask Zeb, pointing to Gav who is passed out on his bed.

“He’s drunk.”
Zeb replies.

“How does he get access to alcohol?” I ask in surprise.

“His girlfriend smuggles it in for him.” He tells me.

“But she called the cops on him.” I say with disbelief. If it
had been me, I would not have continued to see him.

“Don’t try to understand what’s going on between those two. It will give you a headache.” He laughs.

“What I really don’t understand is why you’re here.” I tell him.

“You know why.” He tries to end the conversation.

“I know what you want me to think – what you want everyone to think. But that’s not what actually happened.” I tell him.

“How would you know what
actually
happened?” He smirks.

“I don’t.” I reply. “But I know what it’s like to be strangled by someone that actually wants to kill me. I also know what it’s like to be the one doing the killing. I was looking for a killer when you faux strangled me and I couldn’t find one.”

“Keep saying that and I just might strangle you for real.” He says, becoming impatient.

“You can say that but you won’t do it.” I tell him with confidence.

“Why wouldn’t I?” He asks me.

“
Because you are a Knax that’s pretending to be a Venry and if you kill me, they will reopen your file and reassess you. You’re not going to risk that happening. That’s why you’re not going to kill me.” I explain.

He hasn’t noticed that during our conversation, we have both switched languages. He hasn’t noticed that he has been conversing in
Knav to me for a while now.

“Unbelievable.” He smiles. “No one has ever picked that up. How did you know?”

“I didn’t.” I tell him. “But when you answered my questions in Knav, I knew that I must be getting closer to the truth.”

“You’re right.” He replies, shaking his head.

“So you didn’t kill your boss?” I ask him.

“No. I went to him to ask for protection. We all knew that the army was coming. He gave us a severance payment and told us to leave.” He explains. “One of the guys strangled him by accident. He just thought that physical persuasion might be more powerful than verbal persuasion and he over did it. Someone had to stay at the crime
scene to give the others enough time to get away. I volunteered because I didn’t like our chances on the road.”

I nod to show that I understood his reasoning. He was not making a valiant sacrifice for the team. He was doing his best to save himself.

He continues. “When the police came, they didn’t see a Knax that needed to be handed over to the army. They saw a murder that needed to be investigated so I told them what they wanted to hear. They were really happy to get it over with.”

“And you’ve been biding your time in here ever since.” I smile.

As far as survival strategies go, it was brilliant. Possibly one of the best that anyone has ever come up with. The most dangerous place in civil society has become the safest place in a civil war – because I agree with Hash. This is a war.

“I keep up though. I get through as many newspapers as I can grab my hands on and I read t
he articles that nobody else wants to read.” He tells me. “Which reminds me. You’ll be happy to know that thanks to your little stunt in the snow, the ‘selection’ process has become obsolete.”

“What?” This was
actually more shocking than comforting.

“Your selection was by far the most violent. There was enormous backlash from the
Venry general population. They don’t broadcast any of that stuff anymore.” He informs me.

“But how are they recruiting them?” I ask him because I know that girls were still being recruited after me. I
had met some of them in the truck ride between the base and this prison.

“They are taken by force. There are no volunteers anymore.” He explains.

“Then what happens to their families?” I ask him.

“They are air lifted. To wh
ere I do not know.” He replies. “You’re not taking this news very well.” He laughs at my reaction.

“Are there any of us left?” I ask him.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I’d like to think that there are.”

*_*

Some of the prisoners at the facility have become involved with medical testing under the false pretense that they will get an earlier release as compensation. I get roped into it because I don’t have a choice either way. There is apparently a growing market for sexual enhancement drugs and they are using prisoners and forcibly detained persons (like me) for research.

I’ve stopped accompanying the
inmates in the evenings altogether. There are doctors supervising the drugs and the experiments. They monitor us using biofeedback throughout the process. Details of our sexual activity are recorded and I spend most of my time trying to stay awake. Fatigue has hit me like I’ve never experienced it before. I am totally exhausted.

It is here that I meet some of the other girls involved in my “program”. Like
Lyth, many of them do not have long to go before the guards will want to replace them with fresh girls. I am trying my best to hold it together but it’s becoming harder and harder by the day. I am glad to be out of the cell that I was kept in before.

There is a “recovery room” in the medical laboratory attached to the prison where we are given limited freedoms like
actually having enough space to lie down fully and sleep. The room is shared by all the test subjects so although we could have used it to socialize or at least to comfort each other, none of us has the energy to hold that kind of conversation. We mostly just lie there in silence.

This room is the opposite of what I had in the previous cell. Whereas before there was no light, now there is always light. The light never gets turned off. I can feel the end coming
. I am still sane enough to know who I am and where I am. I have trouble conversing with people though. I cannot hold myself together when I have to talk and I’ve lost the ability to express pain.

It’s now only a matter of time before I will meet the same fate as
Lyth. I can see now that she welcomed the end and I probably will too, when my time comes.