The Definitive Book of Body Language (11 page)

The Bone-Crusher

Unfortunately, there are no effective ways to counter it. If you believe someone has done it on purpose, you could bring it to everyone's attention by saying, “Ouch! That really hurt my hand. Your grip is too strong.” This puts the advocate of the Bone-Crusher on notice not to repeat the behavior.

Credibility Rating: 2/10.
A common occurrence in male-female greetings, the Finger-Tip Grab is a handshake that misses the mark and the user mistakenly grabs the other person's fingers. Even though the initiator may seem to have an enthusiastic attitude toward the receiver, he in fact lacks confidence in himself. In these circumstances, the main aim of the Finger-Tip Grab is to keep the
receiver at a comfortable distance. The Finger-Tip Grab can also result from personal space differences between the people in the handshake. This could happen if one person's intimate space is two feet and the other's is three feet; the latter stands farther back during greeting so the hands don't connect properly.

The Finger-Tip Grab

If this happens to you, take the other person's right hand with your left and place it correctly in your right hand and say, with a smile, “Let's try that again!” and shake hands equally. This builds your credibility because you are telling the other person that you think they are important enough for you to get it right.

Credibility Rating: 3/10.
Like the Palm-Down Thrust, the Stiff-Arm Thrust tends to be used by aggressive types and its main purpose is to keep you at a distance and away from their personal space. It's also used by people raised in rural areas, who have larger personal space needs and want to protect their territory.

The Stiff-Arm Thrust

These people will even lean forward or balance on one foot to keep their distance when delivering a Stiff-Arm Thrust.

Credibility Rating: 3/10.
A popular choice of power players and common cause of watering eyes and, in extreme cases, torn ligaments. This is the father of the Bent-Arm-Pull-In, and involves forcefully gripping the receiver's outstretched palm, then simultaneously applying a sharp reverse thrust, attempting to drag the receiver into the initiator's territory. This results in loss of balance and gets the relationship off on the wrong foot.

The Socket-Wrencher

Pulling the receiver into the initiator's territory can mean one of three things: first, the initiator is an insecure type who feels safe only within his own personal space; second, the initiator is from a culture that has smaller space needs; or third, he wants to control you by pulling you off balance. Either way, he wants the encounter to be on his terms.

Credibility Rating: 4/10.
With strong rural overtones, the pumper grabs the hand of the pumpee and commences an energetic and rhythmic series of rapid vertical strokes.

While up to seven pumps is acceptable, some pumpers continue to pump uncontrollably as if they are trying to draw water from the pumpee.

The Pump Handle

Occasionally, the pumper will cease pumping but continue to hold the receiver's hand to prevent their escape and, interestingly, few people try to pull their hand away The act of being physically connected seems to weaken our resolve to retreat.

Credibility Rating: 2/10.
Being somewhat vegetarian in approach, this handshake has its origins in the Netherlands, where a person can be accused of
“Geeft 'n hand als bosje worteljes,”
meaning “Giving a handshake like a bunch of carrots.” It's a distant relative of the Wet Fish, but stiffer and less clammy to the touch.

The Dutch Treat

It has been superseded in younger generations by
De Slappe Vaatdoek
, or Sloppy Dishcloth. This needs no further explanation.

The photograph below shows the late Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and Palestinian Chairman Yassar Arafat shaking hands at the White House in 1993 and it reveals several interesting attitudes. President Clinton is, in fact, the key figure in the shot because of his unobstructed center position, extra height, and Arms-Spread-Open-Palms gesture, reminiscent of a god presiding over his people. Clinton's Half-Moon, Lips-Sucking smile shows the emotional restraint he either felt or faked.

Yitzhak Rabin (left) holds his ground using a Stiff-Arm Thrust to resist being
pulled forward as Yassar Arafat attempts a Bent-Arm-Pull-In

In this famous shot, both men keep their feet firmly planted on the ground and attempt to force the other out of his territory. Yitzhak Rabin assumed the power position on the left side of the picture and used a Stiff-Arm Thrust and leaned forward to keep Arafat out of his personal space, while Yassar Arafat stood absolutely erect and attempted to counter with a Bent-Arm-Pull-In.

Few people have any idea how they come across to others in initial meetings, despite the fact that most of us are aware that the first few minutes of that meeting can make or break a relationship. Take the time to practice handshake styles with your friends and colleagues and you can quickly learn how to deliver a positive handshake every time. Keeping the palms held vertical and matching the other person's grip is usually perceived as a 10/10 handshake.

What makes this one of the world's most irresistible icons?

Bob gazed across the room and locked eyes with an attractive brunette. She seemed to smile at him and, not being slow on the uptake, he swiftly crossed the room and began a conversation with her. She didn't seem to talk much but she was still smiling at him, so he persisted. One of his female friends sauntered past and whispered, “Forget it, Bob… she thinks you're a jerk.” He was stunned. But she was still smiling at him! As with most men, Bob didn't understand the negative significance of the tight-lipped, no-teeth-visible female smile.

Children were often told by their grandmothers to “put on a happy face,” “wear a big smile,” and “show your pearly whites” when meeting someone new because Grandma knew, on an intuitive level, it would produce a positive reaction in others.

The first recorded scientific studies into smiling were in the
early part of the nineteenth century when French scientist Guillaume Duchenne de Boulogne used electrodiagnostics and electrical stimulation to distinguish between the smile of real enjoyment and other kinds of smiling. He analyzed the heads of people executed by guillotine to study how the face muscles worked. He pulled face muscles from many different angles to catalog and record which muscles caused which smiles. He discovered that smiles are controlled by two sets of muscles: the zygomatic major muscles, which run down the side of the face and connect to the corners of the mouth, and the orbicularis oculi, which pull the eyes back. The zygomatic majors pull the mouth back to expose the teeth and enlarge the cheeks, while the orbicularis oculi make the eyes narrow and cause “crow's feet.” These muscles are important to understand because the zygomatic majors are consciously controlled—in other words, they are used to produce false smiles of fake enjoyment to try to appear friendly or subordinate. The orbicularis oculi at the eyes act independently and reveal the true feelings of a genuine smile. So the first place to check the sincerity of a smile is to look for wrinkle lines beside the eyes.