The Definitive Book of Body Language (46 page)

Ask any man who usually makes the first move in courtship and he will invariably say that men do. All studies into courtship, however, show that women are the initiators 90 percent of the time. A woman does this by sending a series of subtle eye, body, and facial signals to the targeted man, who, assuming he is perceptive enough to pick them up, responds to them. There are men who will approach women in a club or bar without being sent the green light but, while some of these men are regularly successful with finding partners, their overall statistical success rate is low because they weren't invited first— they're simply playing the numbers game.

In these cases, if a man detects that his approach will be unsuccessful, he's likely to pretend he's come to talk to her about other unrelated things and he will use corny lines like “You work at the National Bank, don't you?” or “Aren't you John Smith's sister?” To be successful in courtship by playing the numbers game, a man has to approach a lot of women to make a sale—unless, of course, he looks like Brad Pitt. Any man who crosses the floor to chat up a woman has usually done so at her request after picking up her body-language signals. It just
looks
as if he made the first move because he made the walk across the floor. Women do initiate up to 90 percent of flirtatious encounters, but it is done so subtly that most men think they are the ones taking the lead.

Men find it difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women's body language and research shows that men tend to
mistake friendliness and smiling for sexual interest. This is because men see the world in more sexual terms than women; men have ten to twenty times more testosterone than women, which makes them see the world in terms of sex.

When they meet a possible partner, women send out subtle, but often deceptive, courting signals to see whether he's worth pursuing. Women tend to bombard men with courting rituals in the first minutes of meeting them. Men may misinterpret these signals and make a clumsy pass. By sending erratic and ambiguous signals in the early stages, women manipulate men into showing their hand. This is one reason why many women have trouble attracting men—men become confused and won't make an approach.

As with other animals, human courtship follows a predictable five-step sequence that we all go through when we meet an attractive person.

Stage 1. Eye contact
: She looks across the room and spots a man she fancies. She waits till he notices her, then holds his gaze for about five seconds and then turns away. He now keeps watching her to see if she does it again. A woman needs to deliver this gaze, on average, three times before the average man realizes what's happening. This gaze process can be repeated several times and is the start of the flirting process.

Stage 2. Smiling
: She delivers one or more fleeting smiles. This is a quick half smile that is intended to give a prospective man
the green light to make an approach. Unfortunately, many men are not responsive to these signals, leaving the woman feeling that he's not interested in her.

Stage 3. Preening
: She sits up straight to emphasize her breasts and crosses her legs or ankles to show them to best advantage or, if she's standing, she tilts her hips and tilts her head sideways toward one shoulder, exposing her bare neck. She plays with her hair for up to six seconds—suggesting she is grooming herself for her man. She may lick her lips, flick her hair, and straighten her clothing and jewelry. He'll respond with gestures such as standing up straight, pulling his stomach in, expanding his chest, adjusting his clothing, touching his hair, and tucking his thumbs into his belt. They both point their feet or entire bodies toward each other.

Stage 4. Talk
: He approaches and attempts to make small talk, using clichés such as, “Haven't I seen you somewhere before?” and other well-worn lines that are purely intended to break the ice.

Stage 5. Touch
: She looks for an opportunity to initiate a light touch on the arm, either “accidental” or otherwise. A hand touch indicates a higher level of intimacy than a touch on the arm. Each level of touch is then repeated to check that the person is happy with this level of intimacy and to let them know that the first touch was not accidental. Lightly brushing or touching the shoulder of a man is done to give the impression that the woman cares about his health and appearance. Shaking hands is a quick way to move to the touch stage.

These first five stages of courtship may seem minor or even incidental, but they are critical to starting any new relationship and are the stages that most people, especially men, find difficult. This chapter will examine the signals that are most likely to be sent by men and women—and Graham—during these stages.

Women use most of the same basic preening gestures as men, including touching the hair, smoothing the clothing, one or both hands on hips, foot and body pointing toward the man, extended intimate gaze, and increasing eye contact. Some women will also adopt the Thumbs-in-Belt gesture, which, although it's a male-assertion gesture, is used more subtly: usually only one thumb is tucked into a belt or protrudes from a handbag or pocket.

Women become more sexually active in the middle of their menstrual cycle, when they are most likely to conceive. It's during this time that they are more likely to wear shorter dresses and higher heels, to walk, talk, dance, act more provocatively, and to use the signals we are about to discuss. What follows is a list of the thirteen most common courtship gestures and signals used by women everywhere to show a man that she could be available.

This is usually the first display a woman will use when she's around a man she fancies. The head is flicked back to toss the hair over the shoulders or away from the face. Even women with short hair will use this gesture. It's a way for a woman subtly to show that she cares about how she looks to a man. This also lets her expose her armpit, which allows the “sex perfume” known as pheromones to waft across to the target man.

Preening the hair and letting pheromones in the armpit work their magic

At puberty, a boy's facial bone structure alters dramatically as testosterone gives him a stronger, protruding jawline, larger nose, and more pronounced forehead—all the essentials for protection to the face during encounters with animals or enemies. Girls' bone structure remains largely unchanged and childlike, with more subcutaneous fat, which makes the female adolescent face appear thicker and fuller, particularly the lips. Larger, thicker lips therefore become a signal of femaleness because of their contrast in size to male lips. Some women have collagen injected into their lips to overstate this sexual difference and thereby make themselves more appealing to men. Pouting simply increases the lip display.

A woman's outer genital lips are proportionately the same thickness to her facial lips. Desmond Morris describes this as “self-mimicry,” as it is intended to symbolize the female genital region. The lips can be made to appear wet either by the use of saliva or cosmetics, giving a woman the appearance of sexual invitation.

When a woman becomes sexually aroused, her lips, breasts, and genitals become larger and redder as they fill with blood. The use of lipstick is an Egyptian invention that is four thousand years old and is intended to mimic the reddened
genitals of the sexually aroused female. This explains why, in experiments using photos of women wearing various lipstick colors, men consistently find the bright reds the most attractive and sensual.

Sex sirens instinctively know how to use mouth and lip displays to get attention

As stated earlier, our minds get our bodies to act out our secret desires—and so it is with Self-Touching. Women have dramatically more nerve sensors for experiencing touch than men, making them more sensitive to touch sensations. When a woman slowly and sensually strokes her thigh, neck, or throat it implies that, if a man plays his cards right, he may be able to touch her in these same ways. At the same time, her self-touch lets her imagine what it Most pictures of women in sensual poses might feel like if the man include plenty of Self-Touching was initiating the touch.

Most pictures of women in sensual poses include plenty of Self-Touching

Walking or sitting while holding a Limp Wrist is a submission signal used exclusively by women and gay men. In a similar way, a bird feigns a damaged wing to distract prey away from its nest. In other words, it's a great attention-getter. It's very attractive to men because
it makes them feel as if they can dominate. In business situations, however, a Limp Wrist seriously detracts from a woman's credibility and others will fail to take her seriously, although some men will probably ask her for a date.

Birds will feign an injured wing to get attention; women use a Limp Wrist

Fondling cigarettes, a finger, the stem of a wineglass, a dangling earring, or any phallic-shaped object is an unconscious indication of what may be in the mind. Taking a ring off and on the finger can also be a mental representation of having sex. When a woman does these things, a man is likely to symbolically try to possess her by fondling her cigarette lighter, car keys, or any personal item she has nearby.