The Devil You Know (21 page)

“I told you before.” Her accent thickened, becoming the old French I loved so much. “Your pain is mine. Maybe you don’t understand this. I ache for you, Cate. To love you and be loved by you. Part of that means I ache with you. Your heart becomes my own, more so with each hour that our connection deepens. I may not know its source, but I know your hurt is no little thing. Your tears do not frighten or disgust me, cher, but merely amaze me that you have held them back so well till now. I only wish…” Her words trailed off, and in my mind, I could almost see her gray eyes staring blankly into the woods.

I took a deep breath. “What do you wish?” I wanted so desperately to turn and look at her but I was too afraid of what I might see. The night sounds seemed overly loud as I waited with bated breath for her answer.

Finally, Jacq said, “I only wish…to know why. I feel I am the cause, as if my entrance into your life brings this hurt and that things would be better if I go.”

“No!” I shouted. Startled, birds squawked loudly as they took flight, moving like small shadows against the clouds. “No,” I moaned more softly.
How could she think that?
I cried harder. My silence was causing Jacq greater anguish and uncertainty than I realized. I wanted to reassure her, but I had to be honest, too. “Not in the way you think. I do hurt more since we’ve met.” Jacq flinched. I grabbed her hands, refusing to let her let go. “But most of that is timing. The rest is my doing. I hid my heart away. It always ached with so many losses. My mother. My relationship with Luke. My inability to be a good guardian. But I refused to acknowledge the pain, instead burying it away.” I took a shuddering breath. “It’s as if everything else blocked the door to my heart. To let love out, I had to let everything out. But even if you went away, I couldn’t stop loving you. And I couldn’t put the hurt away again. I couldn’t undo the things I’ve learned or what I’ve experienced, what I’ve become.”

The words were slow to come and heavy with emotion. But once they were out they seemed to hang in the air, daring me to draw them back. Daring Jacq to accept them. I took a shallow breath. “Please,” I begged, “give me time.”

Voice thick, she breathed, “Cate.” Her grip tightened almost painfully. “I would give you eternity.”

Such love would have had other women crying. As I was already bawling and not any normal sort of woman, her words dried my eyes. After a moment more of sniffling, I smiled weakly, whispering, “Careful of the promises you make, Detective. It seems I have some hellishly powerful relations who could be persuaded to make you keep them.”

“I’ll be careful,” Jacq murmured. “But I’ll need no help keeping the vows I make.”

I nodded, saying nothing more. The fierce certainty in her voice said enough. Feeling stronger, I leaned my head back, looking at the night sky. The clouds, the stars—they were the same as they’d been hours ago. Yet like Jacq, they looked different. But this time, I was the one who had changed. I thought again of my words and knew I was wrong not to share this with Jacq. By doing so, I was holding part of myself apart, making the block on my memories a wall between us. And that was a price I was not willing to pay, even to keep my heart forever whole.

I let the memories return one by one, then removed the block, sharing them with Jacq.
The fight with Ramus. His taunting, his abuse, his near invasion of my body and mind.
I remembered my betrayals.
Finding out my family had bound my powers and hidden my demon-half from me. My aunt’s allusion that they’d done it for my safety.
Compared to Ramus’s brutality, my family’s silence no longer seemed so important, especially as I believed their actions, though misguided, were motivated by love. The only thing I held back was my mother’s demon book. It wasn’t the moment for that.

Jacq absorbed my memories, and I kept quiet, standing with her on the edge of the woods, each of us lost in the pain of the past and the not-so-past. I’d learned recently that there were things that one could face, that one could become, that were worse than death. And tonight I had learned a painful amendment to that lesson. It didn’t always take an outside force to transform someone into one of those horrors. I’d seen the truth in Ramus’s mad gaze. He’d plunged gleefully into the darkness. He had embraced it, letting it make him a monster in the name of some unknown holy cause. And he had turned that mad intent upon me, hoping to make another warrior in his image, ready to take up arms in a war I was certain he must be on the wrong side of…assuming there was a right side.

He’d also given me the opportunity to see another side of my own inner demon, and what I’d seen had surprised me. She was not all darkness. I was not all light. And we might not be locked in the endless battle I’d previously thought. Even now, I could feel her silent sympathy rising up, trying to comfort me from within as Jacq comforted me from without. But even if my inner battle was not as I’d thought, the scars were unquestionable.

Jacq’s mind withdrew from mine. Her grip never lessened, but her body trembled and something hot and wet splashed against my neck. I looked again at the trees, unable to face her tears, knowing they would bring mine back.

This had been my home, my play area since I was old enough to run free. Less than an hour ago, it had been overflowing with demons trying to take me and what was mine. They had not won, but the damage they had done—to my home, to the forest, to my peace of mind—would take time to repair. I swallowed again, but this time as I felt Ramus’s phantom magic and remembered with a shudder the feel of him readying to force his way into my body, the anger I’d thought lost returned. I looked again at the area that had been my home, knowing it had been violated as surely as I had, and my anger grew. And with it came an unwavering resolution.

It was time to reclaim what was mine.

The demoness within me growled, and I smiled, my body growing hot, my blood boiling with our combined anger and determination. On this, my demon-half and I were in agreement. No more would we let others bring the battle to our doorstep. Jacq sensed my changing mood, and I felt her relief…and approval. I had feared that once she had seen my memories, she would see me as somehow weak or broken…or worse, look at me with pity. But I sensed none of this in her mind. Her anger and resolution matched my own.

There would be no more tears.

I let the wind that foretold an oncoming storm scrub my face clean, and clenched Jacq’s hands tighter, pulling her to walk by my side. We moved forward into the dark woods, on the path home, even as we began a journey down a new path.

A warpath.

* * *

Jacq and I made it through the woods and had the house’s wards in sight when the rain began. One moment the air was muggy with the promise of an impending flood. The next, the skies opened, and the deluge came down. Here, spring storms were frequent and fast to come and go. This one had approached so swiftly it would not stay long. But while it was here, it would be a gusher. Our clothes were instantly soaked.

“Come on.” Laughing, Jacq tugged my hand, urging me to run. We sprinted to the closest ward door, where my family was still working on Van. The large wards around the house were set to allow in things of the Earth, such as rain, so Nana had cast a small circle around herself, Aunt Helena, Kathryn, and the unconscious Van to shield them from the storm. The front lawn was an unorthodox place for a healing, but even Nana could
temporarily
ignore propriety to save a man’s life.

We opened an arched ley-line door. Marco stood guard nearby. The stiff set of his shoulders eased almost imperceptibly at our reappearance. The vampire’s dark hair was plastered wetly against his forehead, and there was a brooding expression on his face as he watched the woods, gun held loosely to his side. With his dark Italian good looks, the vampire seemed the sort to have no lack of lovers. But at that moment, he looked to me to be a very lonely man.

Unexpectedly, I felt empathetic toward the undead soldier and had the briefest (extremely brief, not even a half-nanosecond long) urge to play cupid. Then Marco flashed me a very fangy smile and arched a brow at the nipples visible underneath my transparent dress, and I pushed that thought from my head, kicking it in the ass on its way out the door. I crossed my arms over my chest, scowled at the Kin, and marched past him. The only assistance I would be offering this vampire was to point him in the direction home…and there was no guarantee it would be the right one.

I had been known to become confused from time to time.

Reminded, I turned and slogged back to the vampire, surprising Jacq. I had almost forgotten to give the Kin his marching orders.

“Yes, m’lady?” Again on guard, he barely glanced in my direction, his smirk now gone. I stepped close and crooked my finger. He leaned down, and I quietly outlined how he could repay his debt. He raised a brow at the simplicity of the request but simply nodded. “Name the night and time and it shall be done.”

I thanked him and headed again for my family.

Jacq gave me an interested look. “Do I get to know?”

“Maybe, but probably not.” I smiled coyly. “Technically, it’s a human-run facility, out of Fera’s jurisdiction but very much in yours. I don’t want there to be a conflict of interest.” While Jacq might be on vacation, I knew my detective—she would take any opportunity, legitimate or not, to cuff me. Sensing my thoughts, she simply gave me that one-dimpled half grin. My love knew she would get me to talk, one way or another.

Despite the rain, we stopped beside the smaller circle. Even through the shield’s green cast, I could see Van’s color was much better. Still, I wanted to be sure. Hair dripping water down my back, white dress nearly indecent wherever black demon blood wasn’t oozing across the fabric, I looked to the three women. Nana looked up, alarmed.

“It’s not mine,” I said, gesturing to the blood before quickly crossing my arms again. I was a little too old to be flashing my grandmother. “How’s Van?”

“Stable.” Nana’s lips moved. A second later, the muffled sound passed through the thin magical barrier. “We’ll move him to the Nursery soon. You did well keeping him alive.” She smiled. “Very well, considering the circumstances.” Her smile slipped. “Or so I hear.”

I almost smiled. Then I saw the harsh set to her mouth and bristled, biting my lip to keep back a sharp reply. I wasn’t sure why Nana was angry. I’d done my best to stay away from the battle. It wasn’t my fault it had come to me. So why did I suddenly feel like a child who’d been spanked for another’s crime?

Jacq’s hand brushed soft and warm down my back. I instantly felt calmer, which allowed me to pick up on a reprimand directed at someone other than myself.

Aunt Helena put a hand on Nana’s shoulder. My aunt’s face was turned away, but I heard her hushed, “Don’t take your fear for Cate and your temper at me out on her. She’s home safe now. We’ll discuss what you think you saw later.” Aunt Helena turned, looked up at me, and smiled, saying more loudly, “Yes, you did well, Cate. Very well. You’re unharmed, and you saved Van. That’s all that counts.” She looked to Jacq, and something passed between them. “And thank you, Jacqueline, for protecting our home. Some things cannot be replaced.”

Behind me, I felt my auburn-haired love nod. I frowned. My frown grew as my aunt added, “You both go clean up and go to bed. Rest well, sweet niece.” She turned back to their healing, dismissing me.

“Damn,” I muttered as I pulled Jacq along beside me, heading for the back gardens. “What in the hell is going on?” I grinned. “That was a rhetorical question, Detective. I don’t expect you to know.”

“Good.” She flashed me a smile. “Because you would be sorely disappointed.”

“I doubt that,” I said under my breath.

Jacq quirked a brow. “Where are we going?”

We were currently on a small walkway that crossed through the large shrubs protecting the gardens from prying eyes. I stopped near the sliding glass doors that led to the training room, uncoiled a water hose attached to the house, and pointed it at my dirty feet. Jacq gave me a strange look. Though I knew she had the power to clean us magically, even restore my dress to new, I was in the mood to do things a bit more simply.

Besides, I needed to distract her. Given enough power and clarity of thought, Jacq would realize what was occurring nearby with the captured demons. She would be angry when she realized I’d intentionally kept her from participating in their punishment. But there was tension enough between Jacq, Kathryn, and Van without Jacq being involved in what would happen soon. More importantly, I needed her now. I might appear lighthearted, but inside something was still very raw…probably would be for a long time.

“You heard my aunt. We’re going to go inside, take a shower, and go to bed.” I turned on the hose, adjusted the nozzle, squirted a bit of water on my feet to find it still warm, and smiled. “Just as soon as I’ve cleaned this yucky demon blood off of us.”

Jacq gave me a dubious look, which she was right to do. Before the words were even out of my mouth, I raised the nozzle and let ’er rip, spraying a large stream of water at her chest and the blob of matter on her shirt. The water was nowhere near Jacq’s face, but the surprised woman still sputtered and spat like a cat dropped in the bath.

Taking pity on her, I turned the hose, albeit more gently, on myself, yelping as the water suddenly ran cold. Ignoring Jacq’s laughter, I briskly washed as much gore and blood as possible from my hair and clothes before pulling the formerly white dress up and over my head. There was an abrupt silence as Jacq’s laughter died.

Jacq was suddenly looming over me, forcing my body back into the shadow of the house. “What are you doing?” she asked. Shoulders hunched to curve her body around my space, Jacq stood inches away. Even so, I felt her presence as if we were skin to skin.

“I would have thought the answer obvious.” Keeping my eyes lowered, I quickly wrung out the dress before turning off the water. I had plans for her, and she would know them with only a glance if I let her see into my eyes.

“You cannot undress here,” Jacq said softly, her accent thick with agitation. Though wet, her body radiated a delicious heat. I felt the warmth of it as her hands moved from her sides to the wall behind me, gently bracketing me in. The air around us grew hotter still as she moved ever closer.