The Diaries of Sofia Tolstoy (67 page)

 

26th
. Slept badly, as depressed as ever. Wrote all day. Another beautiful day, hoar frost, sun and ice. Didn't leave the house. Wrote letters, two business replies.

 

27th
. Took some veronal for my insomnia and slept till 12. Felt dazed, but it's better like this—the suffering is less acute, the body loses the capacity to respond to spiritual pain. But where is the soul? I did a lot of copying and wrote to Lina, Vanya and Tanya, Sonya and Ilyushok, plus two business letters. 15° below freezing as before, and windy.

 

28th
. It is two months today since Lev Nik. left. I went to the grave. Life is just as unbearably painful. I wrote to my daughter Tanya in Rome and sent her a photograph of the grave. 10° below freezing, windy and not quite so beautiful outside. I am copying manuscripts. My daughter Sasha came, and Andryusha with his wife and daughter. There have been a lot of visitors to Lev Nik.'s grave and his rooms.

 

29th
. I wrote all day and corrected proofs—there were a lot to do. Andryusha is a sorry sight with his unstable nerves. We're all like that now! And so depressed. The weather is warmer; I didn't go out. I copied a very good excerpt from a work of Lev Nikolaevich's about God. He
wrote
well, but what did he
do
?

 

30th
. My son Ilya arrived with his wife and three eldest boys. Andryusha is a little better today, but still very tense. Windy. 6° below freezing. A sleepless night, slightly feverish all day, didn't leave the house. I'm glad my sons are here, I don't feel so lonely. Read a lot of proofs, and copied a lot of Lev Nik.'s story ‘What I Dreamt About'.

 

31st
. I read proofs, copied
Father Sergei
and played for a while with my granddaughter Mashenka. My son Seryozha arrived before dinner. When the clock struck 12 we all gathered in the drawing room and talked about Lev N.'s last days. Then we went into the dining room and drank tea. There was a cake, fruit and fruit juice for the children. The atmosphere was sad but very touching. Ilya told me something interesting old Professor Snegiryov had told him about Lev Nikol.'s death. Apparently there's a certain kind of pneumonia that starts as an unnatural excitement of the brain, and the patient, infected by the poison, rushes out of the house, goes off he knows not where and roams around. Just like Lev Nik. leaving the house and visiting Shamordino, then rushing off. He bought tickets that were valid for three months. Snegiryov assumes Lev Nik. was already ill when he left Yasnaya Polyana.

January–February—student riots, followed by arrests and deportations; 125 professors resign. Universities come under police control. Jews further disenfranchised. September—Stolypin, President of the Council of Ministers, assassinated by agent of security police. Ascendancy at court of the monk Rasputin and his increasing influence on government decisions. The start of a series of wars in the Balkans for control of the Ottoman Empire
.

Battle over Tolstoy's manuscripts begins, with Sofia and her sons against Chertkov and Sasha (who obtains injunction forbidding her mother access to her room at the Historical Museum and halting publication of her editions). Government declines to buy Yasnaya Polyana so as not to honour Tolstoy's memory, but the Tsar provides his widow with a generous pension. Sofia's brother-in-law Mikhail Kuzminsky and her sons Lev, Mikhail, Andrei and Ilya negotiate with American businessmen against her will over the possible purchase of Yasnaya (it comes to nothing). March—official opening of the Moscow Society of the Tolstoy Museum. Sofia starts work on an edition of Tolstoy's letters to her
.

 

1st January
. Made a copy of Lev Nikol.'s diary for July and August to give to Lyova. Lovely weather, 5°, moonlit nights and such sadness! My children, grandchildren, guests and people in general are no real consolation, only a diversion. I even love my sadness, as my final contact with my Lyovochka. The tears are there, every moment of the day, but I try to restrain myself and fear them. Seryozha is closest to me, we grieve more than the others.

 

2nd
. Proofs all morning. Took fresh flowers to the grave and scattered seeds to the birds. Wept bitterly; inconsolable, irreparable grief. Prayer is no comfort. My three grandsons have left. Andryusha returned and told me of L.N.'s fears that I might chase after him, and his tears and sobs when they told him I had tried to drown myself. It was very painful.

 

4th
. A snowstorm this morning. The artist Orlov has arrived. Seryozha has left. I tidied the books again—so tedious! This evening my sons
Ilya, Andrei and Misha rushed over and demanded 1,500 rubles to send Ilya to America to sell Yasnaya Polyana.* I find this most distasteful and distressing. I should like to see Yasnaya Polyana in Russian hands, as public property.

 

5th
. A lot of proofs, all to no purpose, it seems. There's no spiritual centre to the world now, no lofty, abstract life in this house—and it's very sad! There's no love either—although I was robbed of that long ago, the expression of it anyway, and my place in Lev Nik.'s heart.

 

6th
. Makovitsky left here for good today. I wept; one more link with Lev Nik. is now broken. I corrected some page proofs of Volume 20 and wrote Tanya a postcard. Then I tidied some books, although there are still a lot of new ones from Makovitsky to be sorted. This evening I pasted cuttings into the album and wrote to Lev Nik.'s French translator Halpérine-Kaminsky in Paris.

 

8th
. I am tormented by discussions with my sons about the sale of Yasnaya Polyana and Andryusha's attempts to contest the will. I can sympathize with one aspect of this, however: his desire to disinherit the hateful Chertkov.

 

11th–15th (Moscow)
. Sasha has again fallen under the same influence that destroyed both Lev Nik. and me—Chertkov. He has set her against me, and through Muravyov, her attorney, she has issued a legal injunction barring me from my room at the Historical Museum, halting publication of my edition at the press and other similarly despicable acts. And she has found yet another ally in her persecution of me—Goldenweiser. I visited the Historical Museum, talked to the administrators and gave them a document in response to Sasha's, also forbidding anyone to enter my room or have access to his manuscripts. Sasha has threatened to damage my edition in every way possible—let her! I left this evening for Yasnaya Polyana without coming to any agreement with her. How her late father would have grieved at her behaviour.

 

19th
. Spent the morning reading proofs, and was about to go to the grave when my son Misha arrived from Moscow. Long discussions about how to defend ourselves against Chertkov's and Sasha's
malevolence. Terribly painful and nerve-racking! If it wasn't for my impoverished sons I would have given up.

 

20th
. Painful discussions with Andryusha: “If there's no money I'll shoot myself!” How terrible to think like that! The newspapers and lawyers have stood up for my rights.* But how much better it would be to have peace and friendly agreement.

 

21st
. Very depressed, the tears keep coming to my eyes. The same as usual—reading proofs and pasting in newspaper cuttings. Hypocritical feuilleton by Mr Chertkov in all the papers. The more I think about it, the more clearly I realize Lev Nik. preferred Chertkov at the end of his life, and the more sad and painful it is. Very frosty, minus 20°. Everything is bright and beautiful. How white and pure it all is…

 

22nd
. Read 3 pages of proofs and marvelled at the artistry of Lev Nik.'s writing.

 

23rd
. Read probably the
last
proofs of
Youth
I shall ever read. A telegram from Spiro telling me to prepare a reply to a letter from Chertkov in today's papers, which I haven't yet read.

 

24th
. Wrote to Ksyunin and the State Bank. Most unpleasant to read Sasha's letter next to Chertkov's in all the newspapers. The persecution continues. How will it all end! At times like these one longs for death. The articles in the papers are so unpleasant; they have cheapened my beloved Lyovochka's name, and this is unbearably painful. S.P. Spiro, a journalist for
Russian Word
, came to visit. I begged him not to publish anything on my behalf. Cold, minus 16°, wind. I didn't leave the house all day. Such depression!

 

4th February
. Oh, what sadness! The wind howled all day. I copied out some interesting pages from Lev Nik.'s notebooks—material for an unwritten work about the Peter the Great period.* Fascinating.

 

9th
. Copied my letter to Koni.* Initialled handkerchiefs. Went to Lev Nik.'s grave and wept and prayed, begging him to forgive me for being unable to make him happier at the end of his life. I should have accepted that he preferred Chertkov, but I couldn't. I pasted newspaper cuttings and grieved.

 

10th
. Terrible snowstorm this morning. Copied the diary L.N. kept when he wooed and married me. Did a little sewing. I'm depressed and afraid of going to Moscow—although I must; I have to clear up things for future generations.

 

13th (Moscow)
. Sasha came, fat, red-cheeked and stubborn, secretive and spiteful as ever. Painful discussion. What a cross this daughter of mine is. A lot of tedious business and bustle. The new edition has appeared in 20 volumes.

 

16th
. We are hurrying to sell and distribute the new edition.

 

17th
. Went to the warehouse this morning to give various instructions, then to the bank and to Howard's to ask about the account and the cheques. Learnt that Volumes 16, 19 and 20 of the
Complete Collected Works
have been seized.* This complicates everything. Home this evening.

 

20th
. The lawyer Maklakov recommends that Sasha and I go to a court of arbitration. All courts are so painful. Ilya and Andryusha came, and briefly Misha. I went to see him and his family off from Paveletsky station. Endless partings—life is so lonely! Endless problems.

 

21st
. Worked frantically on the sale of the new edition all morning. Paid Howard 20,000 rubles for paper and the Kushneryov printers over 15,300. Went to the bank to see Dunaev, who is a director. Did some shopping. Thawing snow and terrible mud in Moscow. Spent the evening quietly at home. Depression.

 

22nd
. Went to the bank. Visited the museum and talked to Prince Shcherbatov about the manuscripts. The police sealed up Vols. 16, 19 and 20 in the warehouse today.

 

23rd
. I went to the warehouse early this morning to ask the police officer not to spoil the books when they're sealing them up, then walked to the mushroom market with my maid Verochka. Thawing. Went home, copied my summer diary and painfully relived it. Went to church. Today is the day of my Vanechka's death. May the Lord reunite me soon with my Lyovochka and Vanechka.

 

2nd March
. Spent the day copying out the sad story of my life during the summer of 1910. I weep for things that can never be put right, yet it was all foreordained. Stakhovich was here. Negotiations are starting today between him, Belgard and Stepanov (procurator of the Palace of Justice). Tomorrow they will be summoning me too.

 

3rd
. Misha Stakhovich came this morning and Alexei Belgard, chief press censor, a most sympathetic man. They are defending my interests over the seizure of the 3 volumes of the
Complete Collected Works
, and I am grateful to them. But then one
has
to take L.N. Tolstoy's widow's wishes into account; one could hardly put her in prison or lock her in a fortress. I stayed indoors all day.

 

4th
. My negotiations over the seizure of the 3 volumes are going badly. I shall have to reprint two volumes at least—that's the best that can happen. At worst they can throw me in the fortress and put me on trial. I spent the day copying and weeping.

 

7th
. Visited the editorial boards with an announcement of the sale of Lev Nik.'s works. Sat up late copying and did 4 pages—90 more to go.

 

9th
. Prince Shcherbatov, president of the Historical Museum, called on me and stayed a long time, telling me how I could get the manuscripts back, although he said they hadn't come to any agreement and everything was exactly as it was before. He advised me to write to Kasso, Minister of Education, and to take up the matter in St Petersburg, and if I didn't achieve any results with the ministers to go and see the Tsar himself. I stayed at home all day and copied.

 

10th
. I wrote two letters to Kasso, one asking them to return everything of mine to me (diaries, letters and so on), the other asking to be allowed to use various documents for my memoirs. I also prepared to leave for St Petersburg. Sonya Mamonova, Misha Olsufiev and Count Geiden dined with us, which was very pleasant. I visited the Rumyantsev Museum and the Historical Museum, asked for copies of the paintings of Lev Nik. and visited the exhibition.

 

12th
. I worked all morning and late into the night, and finished copying my diary from June to October, when Lev Nik. left. This evening I went to vespers at the Palace Church in the Kremlin, where L.N. and I were married. The service was very crude, the deacon and the singers
had the most disagreeable bass voices, the church was empty and dark, and the whole thing had a dismal effect on me. Maslova and Prince and Princess Odoevsky came to pay their respects and compliments.

 

14th
. Took my last diary to the Historical Museum, as well as three notebooks containing Lev Nik.'s first and last diaries, and copies of various letters of his; I shall receive a receipt for these tomorrow. Then I rushed around the town—I am planning to leave for Yasnaya tomorrow. A wonderful spring day, the sun is shining, the streams are thawing—and everything is so melancholy! I long for home and the grave.

 

15th
. Took back a book to Taneev. He is
weeping
for his nurse, I am weeping for my husband, and we had a good heart-to-heart talk. This evening I left for Yasnaya.

 

16th
. I cried as I approached the house, cried when I went to the grave and cried when I went into Lev Nikol.'s room. It was as if he was still here and was about to come in and I would tell him something. Tanya's friend Yulia Igumnova is staying, who has become very stout, and the artist Orlov. Old Dunyasha and Nurse are quietly living out their last days here. All so empty and sad! Nothing but bills, housekeeping and business.

 

21st
. Copied out the diaries. What a lot of careful, conscientious background work on his books he put into these diaries!

 

23rd
. I have finished copying Lev Nik.'s diaries—to my great sorrow! Now I have nothing of his to work on! Endless sadness, I sit here at home on my own all day! I have hung the large portraits of Lev Nik. on the walls. But they don't speak to me. There are so many of them—they're everywhere!

 

24th
. Today I have been vividly recalling the events surrounding Lev Nik.'s last days, and despite all the anguish I feel it
could not
have been otherwise, it was foreordained.

 

27th
. Went to Lev Nik.'s grave and wept inconsolably. I thought about my daughter Sasha. She must be so lonely among all those strangers, poor thing. She has left her mother, her brothers don't love her—even her dogs come to see me, especially Belka, but she never pays her grieving mother a visit.

 

4th April
. We read aloud my son Lyova's letters from America.* I went to bed, then got up and talked to Lev Nik.'s translator Halpérine, and read some of his article about his departure.

 

10th
. A warm, windy day; I went out for the first time—to Lev Nikolaevich's grave of course. In the distance they were ringing the church bells, and ‘Christ is Risen!' rang out over Russia. But in the forest and beside the grave there was silence, and the wind shook the withered wreaths as I prayed and wept. Then I sat in silence for a long time on a board that had been laid on a tree stump. Did Christ rise in my beloved husband's heart when he cruelly left me and his home, and disinherited his poor sons and their families? May the Lord forgive him!